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EVELYN - YA sci-fi

Young Adult Science Fiction

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#1 cookingdan

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Posted 16 November 2017 - 10:25 PM

Latest version below

 

 

Dear members, thanks in advance for clicking on my query. I'd love to hear what you wonderful and patient folk have to think.

 

 

Dear (Agent),

 

I’m writing to you seeking representation for my YA sci-fi novel, Evelyn.

 

Evelyn, an AI who thinks she's a teenage girl, finds herself at the center of a plot to turn humankind into a digital race when the man who made her unleashes a supercomputer into the World Wide Web.

 

Years after a man-made strain of toxic algae wipes out 80% of life on Earth, Evelyn and a group of teenagers interning at a space-exploration company are drugged during their first day and when they awake they're on an alien planet. The only explanation they receive from Damien Reyner, the man responsible, is a message explaining they have been sent to a new planet to start a human colony there, as he intends to rid Earth of mankind's destruction.

 

But as the interns struggle to survive on the hostile planet, they find they are not the first to arrive there. A group of people controlled by a strange substance called the Mind, which seems to have a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. While Evelyn is plagued by strange voices in her head and memories that aren’t hers, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the interns uncover clues about where – and when – they really are.

 

But the answers Evelyn finds when she finally confronts the Mind are not the ones she was looking for ... When she learns what she really is, and that the Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and more familiar power whose intentions are far ghastlier than she could ever have imagined, Evelyn must reconcile her programming with her own perceived humanness, as well as the confusing feelings she’s developed for Matthew, one of the interns. Finding herself the unsuspecting centerpiece of Damien Reyner’s insane but brilliant plan, the choices Evelyn must make when she encounters the true enemy will determine the fate of her friends, and alter the very course of humanity’s future.

 

Evelyn, my first novel, is complete at 88500 words. I currently live and work as an ESL teacher in Hanoi, Viet Nam, but my home country is South Africa.  (not sure if these details are relevant, but I think the agent might appreciate being informed that I do not reside in the States, as I imagine it adds an extra element to the agent's job)



#2 morgan.spraker

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Posted 19 November 2017 - 07:08 PM

Dear members, thanks in advance for clicking on my query. I'd love to hear what you wonderful and patient folk have to think.

 

 

Dear (Agent),

 

I’m writing to you seeking representation for my YA sci-fi novel, Evelyn.

 

Evelyn, an AI who thinks she's a teenage girl, finds herself at the center of a plot to turn humankind into a digital race when the man who made her unleashes a supercomputer into the World Wide Web. Would just say internet. Amazing hook, though!

 

Years after a man-made strain of toxic algae wipes out 80% of life on Earth, Evelyn and a group of teenagers interning at a space-exploration company are drugged during their first day and when they awake they're on an alien planet. Make what I bolded its own sentence - if you leave it as is it's a run-onThe only explanation they receive from Damien Reyner, the man responsible, is a message explaining they have been sent to a new planet to start a human colony there, as he intends to rid Earth of mankind's destruction.

 

But as the interns struggle to survive on the hostile planet, they find they are not the first to arrive there. A group of people controlled by a strange substance called the Mind, which seems to have Be confident in your story! "seems" weakens everything. Just say "has a mysterious connection" a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. While Evelyn is plagued by strange voices in her head and memories that aren’t hers, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the interns uncover clues about where – and when – they really are.

 

But the answers Evelyn finds when she finally confronts the Mind are not the ones she was looking for ... When she learns what she really is, and that the Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and more familiar power whose intentions are far ghastlier than she could ever have imagined, Evelyn must reconcile her programming with her own perceived humanness, as well as the confusing feelings she’s developed for Matthew, one of the interns. I bolded this so you would realize what a long sentence it is - there were a lot of things going on. Short sentences are your friend. Also, you don't want to reveal all your tricks up your sleeve in terms of plot. You're writing a pitch, not a synopsiis! Finding herself the unsuspecting centerpiece of Damien Reyner’s insane but brilliant plan, the choices Evelyn must make when she encounters the true enemy will determine the fate of her friends, and alter the very course of humanity’s future.Kind of a cliche ending

 

Evelyn, my first novel, is complete at 88500 words. Here's where you put the genre and target age audience. Also, round to the nearest thousand. It would be 89,000 I currently live and work as an ESL teacher in Hanoi, Viet Nam, but my home country is South Africa.  (not sure if these details are relevant, but I think the agent might appreciate being informed that I do not reside in the States, as I imagine it adds an extra element to the agent's job)

If you wouldn't mind, would you take a look at my query here x ?



#3 cookingdan

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Posted 20 November 2017 - 10:36 PM

If you wouldn't mind, would you take a look at my query here x ?

Thanks for your very helpful feedback and tips! I'm heading to your query now (I actually already checked it out before I posted mine but felt a bit too out-of-my-depth to presume to critique it -- I'll give you my two cents, though).



#4 cookingdan

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Posted 21 November 2017 - 02:18 AM

Revised after feedback (I left the last paragraph a lot more 'mysterious' - thought maybe it was a bit of an info dump before, what  do you think?)

 

Dear (Agent),

 

Evelyn, an AI who thinks she's a teenage girl, finds herself at the center of a plot to turn humankind into a digital race when the man who made her unleashes a supercomputer into the Internet.

 

Years after a man-made strain of toxic algae wipes out 80% of life on Earth, Evelyn and a group of teenagers interning at a space-exploration company are drugged during their first day. When they awake they're on an alien planet. The only explanation they receive from Damien Reyner, the man responsible, is a message explaining they have been sent to a new planet to start a human colony there, as he intends to rid Earth of the destructive human race.

 

But as the interns struggle to survive on the hostile planet, they find they are not the first to arrive there. A group of people controlled by a strange entity called the Mind, which has a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. While Evelyn is plagued by voices in her head and memories that aren’t hers, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the interns uncover clues about where – and when – they really are.

 

When Evelyn finally confronts the Mind after it murders some of her friends, it becomes clear that the brain-controlling entity is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and more familiar power, whose intentions are ghastlier than she could ever have imagined. But can Evelyn even trust herself after she learns that both she and the Mind were made by the same man, Damien Reyner?

 

Evelyn is my first novel. It is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently live and work as an ESL teacher in Hanoi, Viet Nam, but my home country is South Africa. 



#5 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 21 November 2017 - 08:47 PM

Revised after feedback (I left the last paragraph a lot more 'mysterious' - thought maybe it was a bit of an info dump before, what  do you think?)

 

Dear (Agent),

 

​Hey Dan,

 

Evelyn, an AI who thinks she's a teenage girl, finds herself at the center of a plot to turn humankind into a digital race when the man who made her unleashes a supercomputer into the Internet. ​This hook sounds cool 2 things. Maybe break into 2 sentences. And what does a supercomputer into the internet actually mean? Tell us.

 

Years after a man-made strain of toxic algae wipes out 80% of life on Earth, Evelyn and a group of teenagers interning at a space-exploration company are drugged during their first day. When they awake they're on an alien planet. The only explanation they receive from Damien Reyner, the man responsible, is a message explaining they have been sent to a new planet to start a human colony there, as he intends to rid Earth of the destructive human race. ​Lol, damn humans must learn one way or another.

 

But as the interns struggle to survive on the hostile planet, they find they are not the first to arrive there. A group of people controlled by a strange entity called the Mind, which has a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. While Evelyn is plagued by voices in her head and memories that aren’t hers, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the interns uncover clues about where – and when – they really are. ​Awesome!

 

When Evelyn finally confronts the Mind after it murders some of her friends, it becomes clear that the brain-controlling entity is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and more familiar power, whose intentions are ghastlier than she could ever have imagined. But can Evelyn even trust herself after she learns that both she and the Mind were made by the same man, Damien Reyner? 

 

​Cool man. I like it. There are some parts to tweak and you could tighten up the prose but I get the picture. Good job!

 

Please reciprocate at http://agentquerycon...-book/?p=349136

 

Evelyn is my first novel. It is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently live and work as an ESL teacher in Hanoi, Viet Nam, but my home country is South Africa. 


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#6 cookingdan

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Posted 21 November 2017 - 09:37 PM

I've been playing with the hook a little, trying to approach it from a different aspect. I felt the previous one was somewhat misleading, as it references something that happens much later in the book and makes it sound like the inciting incident. As always thanks for feedback -- it shall be returned!

 

Dear Agent

 

Earth is dying. In an effort to preserve the human race a pioneer in AI research sends a group of teens led by Evelyn, an AI who thinks she’s human, to colonize a new planet. The teens think all they’ve signed up for is a summer internship at Reyner’s space exploration company …

 

Evelyn and her companions awake in a space shuttle with tubes down their throats, their only explanation a cryptic message from Damien Reyner, the man who sent them. Thinking they’ve been the subjects of a bad prank, reality sets in when they are attacked by an alien life form resembling an extinct Earth creature. After fighting it off, a sabotage of their food stores forces the interns to venture out into the hostile planet as distrust spreads among them, and they discover they are not the first to arrive there. A group of people controlled by a strange entity called the Mind, which has a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. While Evelyn is haunted by voices in her head and memories that aren’t hers, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the interns uncover clues about where – and when – they really are, and why they were truly sent there.

 

When Evelyn confronts the Mind and finally learns what she really is, she also discovers that the Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and more familiar power. To avoid becoming nothing but data, Evelyn and the interns must do everything they can to prevent humankind from being converted into a digital race. But can Evelyn trust her own decisions, knowing that everything she’s ever done has been a result of her programming?

 

Evelyn is my first novel. It is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently live and work as an ESL teacher in Hanoi, Viet Nam, but my home country is South Africa. 



#7 cookingdan

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Posted 22 November 2017 - 08:49 PM

Another option, from a different angle:

 

A summer internship at a space-exploration company turns into a nightmare for seventeen-year-old Evelyn and seven other teenage interns when they are sent against their will to an alien planet. The last thing any of them remember is passing out after meeting the company’s founder, Damien Reyner.

 

The only explanation the interns receive when they awake aboard a space shuttle on a new planet is a message from Reyner saying they’ve been sent to colonize it, as he planned to end the human plague on Earth. But when the group ventures out into the hostile new planet, they discover they are not the first to arrive there. A group of humans controlled by an entity called the Mind, which has a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. The fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the interns uncover clues about where and when they really are, and the true reason Reyner sent them there.

 

When Evelyn confronts the Mind and learns what she really is – an AI built by Damien Reyner – she also discovers that the Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and more familiar power. With the true enemy revealed, Evelyn and the interns must do everything they can to prevent humankind from being converted to a digital race. But can Evelyn trust her own decisions, knowing that everything she’s ever done has been a result of her programming?



#8 pinkatailmon

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Posted 22 November 2017 - 10:26 PM

I prefer this query.

 

I've been playing with the hook a little, trying to approach it from a different aspect. I felt the previous one was somewhat misleading, as it references something that happens much later in the book and makes it sound like the inciting incident. As always thanks for feedback -- it shall be returned!

 

Dear Agent

 

Earth is dying. In an effort to preserve the human race, pioneer in AI research Damien Reyner sends a group of teens led by Evelyn, an AI who thinks she’s human (I'd save that reveal since there's already a lot going on in the hook. Also withhold Damien Reyner's name until the next paragraph since Evelyn is the MC and emphasis should be on her. Rephrase basically, like "In an effort to preserve the human race, Evelyn and a group of teens is sent to... " Alternatively, you can make the hook about Evelyn thinking she's a human, but is really an AI. It's definitely unique and eye-catching), to colonize a new planet. The teens think all they’ve signed up for is a summer internship at Reyner’s space exploration company …

 

Evelyn and her companions awake in a space shuttle with tubes down their throats, their only explanation a cryptic message from Reyner. Thinking they’ve been the subjects of a bad prank, reality sets in when they are attacked by an alien life form. After fighting it off, a sabotage of their food stores forces the interns to venture out into the hostile planet as distrust spreads among them, and they discover they are not the first to arrive there. A group of people controlled by a strange entity called the Mind, which has a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. While Evelyn is haunted by voices in her head and memories that aren’t hers, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the interns uncover clues about where – and when – they really are, and why they were truly sent there.

 

When Evelyn confronts the Mind and finally learns what she really is, she also discovers that the Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and more familiar power, one whose plans are ghastlier than she could ever have imagined. The choices Evelyn must make in the face of the enemy she thought she knew will determine the fate of her friends and the very future of human evolution, but can she trust her own judgment knowing that everything she's ever done has been a result of her programming? (I understand that you're going for the YA blurb we typically see on the back flap of books. In a query though, stakes need to be clearer. What is the Mind's plan? And I'm not entirely sure if this still applies because I read it years ago, but don't end a query with a question. The last sentence is amazing, so rephrase as a normal sentence.)

 

Evelyn is my first novel. It is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. EVELYN is a completed 89,000-word YA sci-fi. (Add some comp titles here. At first glance, it reminds me of Illuminae by Jay Kristoff and Amie Kaufman) I currently live and work as an ESL teacher in Hanoi, Viet Nam, but my home country is South Africa.  (If personal info isn't relevant to the story, no need to add.)

 

Can you take a look at mine too? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=349172



#9 cookingdan

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Posted 22 November 2017 - 11:07 PM

Ok I feel like I'm getting close! Please leave your thoughts, I'll return the favour!

 

Dear Agent

 

Evelyn, an AI who believes she's a teenage girl, finds herself at the center of a plot to turn Earth's population into a digital race when the man who made her sends her and 7 teenagers to colonize a new planet, against their will.

 

Evelyn and her new companions awake aboard a space shuttle on the new planet, their only explanation a message left by Damien Reyner, the man who sent them. Thinking they've been the butt of some insane prank, reality sets in when they are attacked by an alien life form that closely resembles an extinct Earth creature. Forced to venture out into the hostile new planet when their food stores are sabotaged, the interns discover they are not the first to arrive there. A group of humans controlled by an entity called the Mind, which has a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. The fight for survival soon escalates into a deadly search for answers as the interns uncover clues about where and when they really are, and the true reason Reyner sent them there.

 

When Evelyn confronts the Mind and finally learns what she really is, she also discovers that the Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and more familiar power, whose plans are ghastlier than she could ever have imagined. As Evelyn falls ever deeper in love with Matthew, one of the interns, she finds herself turning against those she thought were friends in order to do what she believes is right and prevent humanity from becoming data. But can Evelyn trust her own choices, knowing that everything she’s ever done is a result of her programming?

 

Evelyn is my first novel. It is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently work as an ESL teacher in Viet Nam.



#10 BadgerFox

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Posted 23 November 2017 - 03:25 PM

 

Dear Agent

 

Evelyn, an AI who believes she's a teenage girl, finds herself at the center of a plot to turn Earth's population into a digital race when the man who made her sends her and 7 teenagers to colonize a new planet, against their will. [As a hook/ first sentence, the information that is given here is generally good and interesting, but this sentence is really too long. Try dividing the information into multiple sentences or putting some of this info in the second paragraph]

 

Evelyn and her new companions awake aboard a space shuttle on the new planet, their only explanation a message left by Damien Reyner, the man who sent them. Thinking they've been the butt of some insane prank, reality sets in when they are attacked by an alien life form that closely resembles an extinct Earth creature [what the creature physically looks like isn't strictly necessary, it is probably enough here to know that it is dangerous and it attacks them. If you include thisdetail to signify that they are able to tell which planet it is by which creatures are present...maybe, but it's not clear why finding a thing that looks like a dinosaur would help anyone to realize they are on an alien planet]. Forced to venture out into the hostile new planet when their food stores are sabotaged, the interns discover they are not the first to arrive there. A group of humans controlled by an entity called the Mind, which has a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. The fight for survival soon escalates into a deadly search for answers as the interns uncover clues about where and when they really are, and the true reason Reyner sent them there. [This is good and clear, but it feels quite distant and removed from Evelyn's POV. If that's your intent that's fine, though it comes off as less gripping and emotionally intense to take this tone.]

 

When Evelyn confronts the Mind and finally learns what she really is, she also discovers that the Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and more familiar power, whose plans are ghastlier than she could ever have imagined. As Evelyn falls ever deeper in love with Matthew, one of the interns, she finds herself turning against those she thought were friends in order to do what she believes is right and prevent humanity from becoming data. But can Evelyn trust her own choices, knowing that everything she’s ever done is a result of her programming? [Ok, this is a really cool moral dilemma.]

 

Evelyn is my first novel. It  [you might as well leave that information out as it doesn't really add anything except to make an agent a little more suspicious. If an agent specifically asks, obviously, do as they say and include the information, but otherwise, it sort of goes withotu saying that you haven't published before because if you did, you would mention it] is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently work as an ESL teacher in Viet Nam.

 

This is good. There's a real clarity to it and the plot seems strong and well-explained, although, as I say, Evelyn herself feels strangely distant from the events unti the last paragraph. If you wanted to change this, more description of Evelyn's feelings and reactions to the early events could be helpful. Nice work :)


Spare a shiny scrap of feedback for newbie?

250 words of my AU novel: http://agentquerycon...native-history/


#11 cookingdan

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Posted 23 November 2017 - 09:16 PM

Thank you Badger Fox. I have made some changes based on your feedback and think it works better now.

 

Dear Agent

 

Evelyn is an AI who believes she's a teenage girl. When her creator sends her and seven teenagers to colonize a new planet without their consent, Evelyn is unaware she's the centerpiece of a plot to turn Earth's population into a digital race.

 

Evelyn and her new companions awake aboard a space shuttle on the new planet, their only explanation a message left by Damien Reyner, the man who sent them. Thinking they've been the butt of some insane prank, reality sets in when their shuttle is attacked by an alien life form. Then their food stores are sabotaged. Evelyn is forced to lead the group out into the hostile new planet in search of food, and they soon discover they are not the first to arrive there. A group of humans controlled by an entity called the Mind, which has a mysterious connection with Evelyn, is hunting them. While Evelyn is plagued by a voice in her head and memories that aren't hers, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as she uncovers clues about where and when they really are, and the true reason Reyner sent them there.

 

During a confrontation with the Mind, Evelyn is devastated to learn of her own true nature as she realizes that her growing affections for Matthew, one of the interns, can never be reciprocated. But there is little time to dwell on her emotions: the Mind turns out to be merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and far more familiar power, whose plans for the human race are ghastlier than she could ever have imagined. To do what she believes is right, Evelyn must turn against those she thought were friends in order to prevent humanity from being converted to data. But can she trust her own decisions, knowing that everything she has ever done is a result of her programming?

 

Evelyn is a YA sci-fi, complete at 89000 words. I currently work as an ESL teacher in Viet Nam.



#12 cookingdan

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Posted 26 November 2017 - 09:26 PM

I came back and reread my last update. It wasn't working for me so I had another go. I'd love to hear your thoughts kind people!

 

Dear Agent

 


Teenage AI Evelyn believes she's a just a normal seventeen-year-old girl off to join a summer internship at the world's top space-exploration company. Then her creator, the company's CEO, sends her and the seven other interns through a dark matter rift to a newly-discovered planet, against their will. 
 

Evelyn and the interns awake in a space shuttle. The last thing any of them remember is meeting each other and their host. Thinking they've been the butt of some insane prank, reality sets in when their shuttle is attacked by an alien life-form. Evelyn succeeds in fighting it off, but then the shuttle's food stores are mysteriously sabotaged and distrust begins to spread among the interns. Forced to leave the safety of the shuttle and venture out into the hostile new planet, thriving with life compared to the oxygen-depleted Earth they came from, the interns soon discover they are not the first humans to arrive there: a group of people ruled by a brain-controlling entity called the Mind is hunting them. Plagued by voices in her head and memories that aren't hers, Evelyn begins to realize she has a connection with the Mind, and that everything bad that's happened to them may be her fault. And she has something the Mind wants ...

While Evelyn begins to develop feelings for Matthew, one of the interns, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the group uncovers clues about where -- and when -- they really are, and the reason they were sent there. When one of them is captured by the Mind's minions Evelyn decides to confront the enemy, only to learn that the Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and far more familiar power, whose plans are ghastlier than she ever could have imagined. As the line between friend and foe becomes blurred in the fight to prevent humanity from being converted to data, Evelyn is forced to question her own judgment once she learns what she really is: a machine built by the man behind it all.

 

 

Evelyn is my first novel. It is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently work as an ESL teacher in Viet Nam.



#13 cookingdan

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Posted 30 November 2017 - 10:11 PM

Dear agent,

 

Teenage AI Evelyn believes she's a just a normal seventeen-year-old girl about to join her dream internship at the world's top space-exploration company. Then the company's CEO sends her and the seven other interns through a dark matter rift to a newly-discovered planet, against their will. 
 

Evelyn and the interns awake in a space shuttle. The last thing any of them remember is meeting each other and their host. Thinking they've been the butt of some insane prank, reality sets in when their shuttle is attacked by an alien life-form. Evelyn succeeds in fighting it off, but then the shuttle's food stores are mysteriously sabotaged and distrust begins to spread among the interns. Forced to venture out into the hostile new planet, thriving with life compared to the oxygen-depleted Earth they came from, the interns soon discover they are not the first humans to arrive there: a group of people ruled by a brain-controlling entity called the Mind is hunting them. Plagued by voices in her head and memories that aren't hers, Evelyn begins to realize she has a connection with the Mind, and that everything bad that's been happening to the interns may be her fault.

 

While Evelyn begins to develop feelings for Matthew, one of the interns, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the group uncovers clues about where -- and when -- they really are, and the reason they were sent there. When Evelyn finally decides to confront the enemy, she learns that the Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater and far more familiar power, whose plans are ghastlier than she ever could have imagined. As the line between friend and foe becomes blurred in the fight to prevent humanity from being converted to data, Evelyn is forced to question her own judgment once she learns what she really is: a machine built by the man behind it all.

 

 

Evelyn is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently work as an ESL teacher in Viet Nam.



#14 MissTeela

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Posted 01 December 2017 - 08:58 PM

Latest Edit.

 

 

Dear agent,

 

Teenage AI This threw me off. I thought is said 'AL' as in the guy's name. Maybe YA agents won't be thrown off? Or maybe you can find a different way to slip it in? Evelyn believes she's a just a normal seventeen-year-old girl about to join her dream internship at the world's top space-exploration company. Then the company's CEO sends her and the seven other interns through a dark matter rift to a newly-discovered planet, against their will. Whoa. Where did the second sentence come from? How about at least one set-up sentence? But the premise sounds pretty cool. It reminds me of SpaceCamp, a movie I love. 
 

Evelyn and the interns awake in a space shuttle. I didn't know they were asleep. Were they not aware they launched? Why not? The last thing any of them  they remember is meeting each other and their host. Oh, what is this about a host? Perhaps set it up before? Thinking they've been the butt of ansome insane prank, reality sets in when their shuttle is attacked by an alien life-form. Evelyn barely? succeeds in fighting it off, but then the shuttle's food stores are mysteriously sabotaged and distrust begins to spreads among the interns. Nice job mentioning their source of survival is compromised & the distrust that forms among the crew. Forced to venture out into the hostile new planet, thriving with life compared to the oxygen-depleted Earth they came from, the interns soon discover they are not the first humans to arrive there: a group of people ruled by a brain-controlling entity called the Mind is hunting them. Plagued by voices in her head and memories that aren't hers, Evelyn begins to realize she has a connection with the Mind, and that everything bad that's been happening to the interns may be her fault. I'd suggest keeping the focus on Evelyn in this paragraph. Consider not even mentioning the interns unless you have to. This is her story. Or if you must mention them, make their relationship to Evelyn stronger, like mentioning they are friends. This is important so that it builds tension when Evelyn realizes her connection with the Mind. 

 

I'm not crazy about the two sentences starting with Forced to venture out & Plagued by voices. A ton of information is being conveyed here. Let's break it up into two sentences or figure out a way to simplify it. I know you're trying to get a lot of information across, but let's not do it at the expense of clarity. 

 

I love that the planet they end up in has critical implications for Evelyn. I love even more that it wasn't necessarily her choice to go there. It was a matter of life or death since the crew's food is running out. Nice job. 

 

 

While Evelyn begins to develop feelings for Matthew, one of the interns, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the group uncovers clues about where -- and when -- they really are, and the reason they were sent there. Oh boy. Please, please, please simplify that first info-rich sentence. It will definitely be to your benefit. I'm excited to see a love interest among the possible saboteurs! But the wording of the first sentence leads me to believe that the fight for survival escalates because Evelyn develops feeling for Matthew. When Evelyn finally decides to confront the Mind enemy, she learns that they are Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater deadlier and far more shockingly familiar power, whose plans are ghastlier than she ever could have imagined. As the line between friend and foe becomes blurred in the fight to prevent humanity from being converted to data, Evelyn is forced to question her own judgment once she learns what she really is: a machine built by the man behind it all. Good God what a twist! Nicely done!   But I do have some notes. Pick something else - something way bigger - besides Evelyn questioning her own judgement. It needs to be huge enough to match the awesome twist that she is a freaking machine. Also, the point about humanity being turned into data caught me completely off guard. I suppose we need to include this because this is the external stakes. If that's true, then can you put it in a stand-alone sentence? 

 

 

 

Evelyn is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently work as an ESL teacher in Viet Nam.

 

All in all, this sounds intriguing & I can definitely see movie potential in it. 



#15 cookingdan

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Posted 03 December 2017 - 10:32 PM

 

Latest Edit.

 

 

Dear agent,

 

Teenage AI This threw me off. I thought is said 'AL' as in the guy's name. Maybe YA agents won't be thrown off? Or maybe you can find a different way to slip it in? Evelyn believes she's a just a normal seventeen-year-old girl about to join her dream internship at the world's top space-exploration company. Then the company's CEO sends her and the seven other interns through a dark matter rift to a newly-discovered planet, against their will. Whoa. Where did the second sentence come from? How about at least one set-up sentence? But the premise sounds pretty cool. It reminds me of SpaceCamp, a movie I love. 
 

Evelyn and the interns awake in a space shuttle. I didn't know they were asleep. Were they not aware they launched? Why not? The last thing any of them  they remember is meeting each other and their host. Oh, what is this about a host? Perhaps set it up before? Thinking they've been the butt of ansome insane prank, reality sets in when their shuttle is attacked by an alien life-form. Evelyn barely? succeeds in fighting it off, but then the shuttle's food stores are mysteriously sabotaged and distrust begins to spreads among the interns. Nice job mentioning their source of survival is compromised & the distrust that forms among the crew. Forced to venture out into the hostile new planet, thriving with life compared to the oxygen-depleted Earth they came from, the interns soon discover they are not the first humans to arrive there: a group of people ruled by a brain-controlling entity called the Mind is hunting them. Plagued by voices in her head and memories that aren't hers, Evelyn begins to realize she has a connection with the Mind, and that everything bad that's been happening to the interns may be her fault. I'd suggest keeping the focus on Evelyn in this paragraph. Consider not even mentioning the interns unless you have to. This is her story. Or if you must mention them, make their relationship to Evelyn stronger, like mentioning they are friends. This is important so that it builds tension when Evelyn realizes her connection with the Mind. 

 

I'm not crazy about the two sentences starting with Forced to venture out & Plagued by voices. A ton of information is being conveyed here. Let's break it up into two sentences or figure out a way to simplify it. I know you're trying to get a lot of information across, but let's not do it at the expense of clarity. 

 

I love that the planet they end up in has critical implications for Evelyn. I love even more that it wasn't necessarily her choice to go there. It was a matter of life or death since the crew's food is running out. Nice job. 

 

 

While Evelyn begins to develop feelings for Matthew, one of the interns, the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers as the group uncovers clues about where -- and when -- they really are, and the reason they were sent there. Oh boy. Please, please, please simplify that first info-rich sentence. It will definitely be to your benefit. I'm excited to see a love interest among the possible saboteurs! But the wording of the first sentence leads me to believe that the fight for survival escalates because Evelyn develops feeling for Matthew. When Evelyn finally decides to confront the Mind enemy, she learns that they are Mind is merely a pawn in the hands of a greater deadlier and far more shockingly familiar power, whose plans are ghastlier than she ever could have imagined. As the line between friend and foe becomes blurred in the fight to prevent humanity from being converted to data, Evelyn is forced to question her own judgment once she learns what she really is: a machine built by the man behind it all. Good God what a twist! Nicely done!   But I do have some notes. Pick something else - something way bigger - besides Evelyn questioning her own judgement. It needs to be huge enough to match the awesome twist that she is a freaking machine. Also, the point about humanity being turned into data caught me completely off guard. I suppose we need to include this because this is the external stakes. If that's true, then can you put it in a stand-alone sentence? 

 

 

 

Evelyn is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently work as an ESL teacher in Viet Nam.

 

All in all, this sounds intriguing & I can definitely see movie potential in it. 

 

Thank you MissTeela! Back to the drawing board I go ;-)



#16 cookingdan

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Posted 03 December 2017 - 11:14 PM

Latest Edit. 

 

 

Dear agent,

 

Evelyn is an AI who believes she's a seventeen-year-old girl about to start her dream internship at the world's top space-exploration company. Then the company's CEO drugs her and the other seven interns during their inauguration and sends them through a dark matter rift to a newly-discovered planet.

 

Evelyn comes-to aboard a space shuttle with the other interns. Thinking they've been the butt of some insane prank, reality sets in when their shuttle is attacked by an alien life-form. Evelyn barely succeeds in saving her new friends; then the shuttle's food stores are sabotaged. Distrust begins to spread among the interns, but driven by the need for food Evelyn leads them out into the hostile planet, thriving with life compared to the oxygen-depleted Earth they came from. Evelyn soon discovers they are not the first to arrive there, however: a group of humans ruled by a brain-controlling entity called the Mind is hunting them. Plagued by voices in her head and memories that aren't hers, Evelyn begins to realize she has a connection with the Mind. What she doesn't know is how or why.

 

Amid the struggle to stay alive, Evelyn begins to develop feelings for Matthew, one of the interns. But there's little time for romance: the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers when she uncovers clues about where -- and when -- they really are, and the real reason they were sent there. When one of her friends is captured Evelyn is forced to confront the Mind, only to learn that the malicious 'entity' is merely a pawn controlled by a far more familiar power, which plans to convert humanity into a digital race. But can Evelyn trust herself to save her friends from becoming data once she learns what she really is: a machine built by the man behind everything?

 

 

Evelyn is a YA sci-fi and is complete at 89000 words. I currently work as an ESL teacher in Viet Nam.



#17 cookingdan

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Posted 06 December 2017 - 09:54 PM

Another option (reworked hook)

 

Dear Agent,

 

When seventeen-year-old Evelyn is drugged on day one of her summer internship at the world’s top space-exploration company, she has no idea she’s about to become the centerpiece of a plot to turn humankind into a digital race. She also has no idea she isn't human …

 

Evelyn comes to aboard a space shuttle with seven other interns to find a message saying they have been sent to a newly-discovered planet. Thinking they've been the butt of some insane prank, reality sets in when the shuttle is attacked by an alien life-form. Evelyn barely succeeds in fighting it off; then the shuttle's food stores are sabotaged. Distrust begins to spread among the interns, but driven by the need for food Evelyn leads them out into the hostile planet, thriving with life compared to the oxygen-depleted Earth they came from. Evelyn soon discovers she and her new friends are not the first to arrive there, however: a group of humans ruled by a brain-controlling entity called the Mind is hunting them. Plagued by voices in her head and memories that aren't hers, Evelyn begins to realize she has a connection with the Mind. What she doesn't know is how or why.

 

Amid the struggle to stay alive, Evelyn begins to develop feelings for one of the interns. But there's little time for romance: the fight for survival escalates into a deadly search for answers when she uncovers clues about where -- and when -- they really are, and the real reason they were sent there. When one of her friends disappears, Evelyn confronts the Mind only to learn that the malicious 'entity' is merely a pawn controlled by a far more familiar power, with shockingly sinister intentions. But can Evelyn trust herself in the fight to prevent humankind from being converted to data once she learns what she really is: a machine built by the man behind everything?

 

Evelyn is a YA sci-fi, complete at 89000 words. I currently work as an ESL teacher in Viet Nam.







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