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Hook, line, but sinking feeling

Science Fiction Young Adult

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#1 cookingdan

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Posted 17 November 2017 - 02:47 AM

This is what I've got:

 

When an AI enslaves the planet, teenager Evelyn finds herself the key figure in a plot to turn humanity into a digital race 

 

OR

 

Evelyn, teenage AI, is sent to defeat a supercomputer that’s enslaved the planet. But who’s pushing the buttons?

 

Trying to keep it short enough to fit in a tweet with some hashtags. Your thoughts, champions?

 

Much thanks



#2 giffordmac

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Posted 17 November 2017 - 01:38 PM

I like the first one better -- it has more punch -- but it doesn't say that Evelyn is also an AI, which is what I get from the second. And I'm not seeing an "or else".

 

Could you mash them together, sort of like this:

 

When a supercomputer enslaves the planet, AI teenager Evelyn is sent defeat it (or else what?)

 

If you could squeeze in why Evelyn is chosen, that would be great. But I think it's more important to get the stakes for her in.

 

With Twitter expanded to 280 characters, I'm not sure how it will effect the contests. Maybe try for a short one and a longer version, so you're prepared no matter what the rules become.

 

Best of luck!


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#3 Niambi

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Posted 19 November 2017 - 02:08 AM

I agree. You have more necessary info than most in a concise package. Stating clear objectives for an actual antagonist and protagonist but why Evelyn is chosen or a motivation would seal the deal.

#4 cookingdan

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Posted 20 November 2017 - 11:28 PM

Thanks for your feedback!

 

I'll have another go and get back with results







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