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#1 infinitycookies

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Posted 22 November 2017 - 08:22 AM

Hi everyone,

 

I have been querying for a while now but have been avoiding submitting to agents who require a synopsis because mine is in desperate need of a fix. I'd really love some help so I can query on, and will do my best to return the favor to anyone willing to share feedback! Thank you so much.

 

When Lea Sanchez finds her boyfriend kissing her best friend, she turns to her family for comfort. Though beloved and supported by her Mom, Grandpa and sister, heartbreak overwhelms the Filipina teen, until an opportunity to audition for the high school musical production of RENT arises.


However, Lea receives news about her Grandpa’s death in a tragic fire after trying to save a boy in the neighboring house that was burning down. She flies back to Manila, the city she grew up in, with her Mom and her sister to mourn Grandpa and gather his remains.

Back in her old hometown, she’s reacquainted with her childhood friend, Adrian, who just so happens to be the boy her Grandpa saved. Adrian Burgos, having just lost his home and his family, accepts an invitation to live with the Sanchezes in New York and be taken care of by his godmother, Lea’s mom, Lisa.

After the burial of Adrian’s family and the cremation of Lea’s grandfather, the Sanchezes head back to New York city, with Adrian in tow. Lea finds herself having a hard time connecting with her orphaned childhood friend despite their shared grief.

But soon enough, things start looking up as Lea finds a new quirky lunch group to hang out with and finds herself becoming friends with Adrian again. When the auditions for the spring musical Rent are held, Lea exerts herself to get the part of Mimi. Lea, who’s dreamt of becoming a Broadway star for the longest time, is disappointed when she is only assigned as an understudy. However, when her singing video goes viral and she gets another chance at callbacks, Lea finally wins a lead role thanks to the support of her sister, her new friends and Adrian.

Over the winter holidays, Lea and Adrian grow closer as they get honest and open up about their heartache over the deaths of their family members. As the new year begins, Adrian starts to come to life and rise from his misery, especially after Lea tours him around New York for his birthday adventure. The two soon become a couple after they share a magical kiss one snowy day.

As Lea and Adrian live out their teenage romance, everything comes to a sudden halt in the Spring after they’re caught in bed by Lisa after having fallen asleep. Despite having never been strict or conservative in her parenting style, Lisa expresses her concern about Lea and Adrian’s lightning fast relationship.

Soon after, Adrian throws himself into work while Lea pushes herself during rehearsals for RENT, growing anxious when the play director asks her to inhabit her character better.

Feeling the pressure, Lea takes too much alcohol at the cast pre-party. A drunk Lea confronts her ex-boyfriend about cheating on her, only to have him kiss her in an attempt to win her back, which Adrian witnesses.

Ultimately, he breaks it off with Lea when he realizes that he is not ready for the ups and downs of a relationship with her, because he is still badly distressed over the traumatic fire that killed his family.

Yet again heartbroken, an angry, inebriated Lea lashes out, hurting the people she loves in the process. The coming week, she is absolutely alone, because she too has disappointed the two best friends she ever had: her Mom and her sister.

But the day before the spring musical, after an enlightening chat with Adrian, Lea realizes how she has messed up and how she must make it up to the people she hurt. The day of the show, she finally reconciles with her best friend, her new friends, her sister, her mother and Adrian, after they show up to support her performance.

In the summer, Lea’s family, along with Adrian, goes back to the Philippines for a vacation. There, Adrian finally accepts his family’s death and says goodbye to them. In a burst of inspiration, Lea decides to take her family on a trip to the ocean so they can scatter her Grandpa’s ashes. Having let go finally, Lea and Adrian move forward, together.

 



#2 lnloft

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Posted 24 November 2017 - 04:45 PM

 

Hi everyone,

 

I have been querying for a while now but have been avoiding submitting to agents who require a synopsis because mine is in desperate need of a fix. I'd really love some help so I can query on, and will do my best to return the favor to anyone willing to share feedback! Thank you so much.

 

When Lea Sanchez LEA SANCHEZ [the first time you mention a character's name, do it in all caps] finds her boyfriend kissing her best friend, she turns to her family for comfort. Though beloved and supported by her Mom, Grandpa and sister, heartbreak overwhelms the Filipina teen, until an opportunity to audition for the high school musical production of RENT arises.


However, Lea receives news about her Grandpa’s death in a tragic fire after trying to save a boy in the neighboring house that was burning down. She flies back to Manila, the city she grew up in, with her Mom and her sister to mourn Grandpa and gather his remains.

Back in her old hometown, she’s reacquainted with her childhood friend, Adrian ADRIAN BURGOS, who just so happens to be the boy her Grandpa saved So, above you said "trying to save", which to me implied that he failed, which is obviously not the case. Adrian Burgos, having just lost his home and his family, accepts an invitation to live with the Sanchezes in New York and be taken care of by his godmother, Lea’s mom, Lisa LISA.

After the burial of Adrian’s family and the cremation of Lea’s grandfather, the Sanchezes head back to New York city, with Adrian in tow. Lea finds herself having a hard time connecting with her orphaned childhood friend despite their shared grief.

But soon enough, things start looking up as Lea finds a new quirky lunch group to hang out with and finds herself becoming friends with Adrian again This is awkward because part of it is directly contradictory to what you just said. Lea was having trouble connecting with Adrian but now they're friends. Where's the transition?. When the auditions for the spring musical Rent are held, Lea exerts herself to get the part of Mimi Looking back, I realize that you didn't actually say she had auditioned or gotten a part, but I was under the impression that she had already done both. Lea, who’s dreamt of becoming a Broadway star for the longest time Maybe this would be a nice thing to introduce earlier, so we can get a better sense of why auditioning for the play would be a catharsis for her at the beginning, is disappointed when she is only assigned as an understudy. However, when her singing video goes viral and she gets another chance at callbacks, Lea finally wins a lead role thanks to the support of her sister, her new friends and Adrian. What? I'm confused by this last line. What singing video? Also, what happened to the poor chick who was originally cast as Mimi? And this is the second time in this paragraph where you basically say one thing, and then immediately negate the problem in the next sentence.

Over the winter holidays, Lea and Adrian grow closer as they get honest and open up about their heartache over the deaths of their family members. As the new year begins, Adrian starts to come to life and rise from his misery, especially after Lea tours him around New York for his birthday adventure. The two soon become a couple after they share a magical kiss one snowy day.

As Lea and Adrian live out their teenage romance, everything comes to a sudden halt in the Sspring after they’re caught in bed by Lisa after having fallen asleep. Despite having never been strict or conservative in her parenting style, Lisa expresses her concern about Lea and Adrian’s lightning fast relationship.

Soon after, Adrian throws himself into work What work? You never mentioned a job before. while Lea pushes herself during rehearsals for RENT, growing anxious when the play director asks her to inhabit her character better.

Feeling the pressure, Lea takes too much alcohol at the cast pre-party. A drunk Lea confronts her ex-boyfriend about cheating on her, only to have him kiss her in an attempt to win her back, which Adrian witnesses.

Ultimately, he breaks it off with Lea when he realizes that he is not ready for the ups and downs of a relationship with her, because he is still badly distressed over the traumatic fire that killed his family.

Yet again heartbroken, an angry, inebriated Lea lashes out, hurting the people she loves in the process. The coming week, she is absolutely alone, because she too has disappointed the two best friends she ever had: her Mom and her sister. Elaboration on this?

But the day before the spring musical, after an enlightening chat with Adrian, Lea realizes how she has messed up and how she must make it up to the people she hurt. The day of the show, she finally reconciles with her best friend Which person does this refer to? I would have guessed Adrian, but you list him later, and then I wonder her mom and sister, since you mentioned them above as her two best friends, but it's clearly not them, either , her new friends, her sister, her mother and Adrian, after they show up to support her performance.

In the summer, Lea’s family, along with Adrian, goes back to the Philippines for a vacation. There, Adrian finally accepts his family’s death and says goodbye to them. In a burst of inspiration, Lea decides to take her family on a trip to the ocean so they can scatter her Grandpa’s ashes. Having let go finally, Lea and Adrian move forward, together.

 

So, this isn't terrible. But it's missing pop. It's just a flat recital of events, I feel. There's a lot of emotional things that happen to the characters, but that emotion isn't coming across right now. Character relationships are very important to your story, but often they just sort of happen (like Lea and Adrian just becoming friends) or are only established after they're important (Lea's upset about disappointing her mom and sister, but that would have more impact if we could be shown earlier that they're very close). You're lucky that you have a word count that allows you expand a little more, so you have some leeway in that.

 

There's definitely a lot of just moving from one point to the other in relationships. Lea and Adrian become friends. Lea has a new group of lunch buddies (who are never mentioned again). Lea has a falling out with her mom and sister (somehow). Lea reconciles with all the people she's upset, including some we didn't know she'd upset. So some better building on how these things happen would be a good idea.

 

One of the other things I noticed was a recurring statement of how Lea gets through things with the support of friends and family. I realize that's a reoccurring theme in your story, but maybe there are some other ways to say this. In particular, I notice that you'll list out the people who she relies on at a particular moment.

 

And one last note, on style: Almost every single one of your paragraphs is one or two sentences. This lends to a bit of choppiness in the synopsis. I'd look for a way to combine a few to make some slightly larger paragraphs.

 

You do tell your story, I get what happens for the most bit, which is obviously a pretty important piece. So you've got a good basis to work on here. Good luck with the rest.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#3 morgan.spraker

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 06:29 PM

 

Hi everyone,

 

I have been querying for a while now but have been avoiding submitting to agents who require a synopsis because mine is in desperate need of a fix. I'd really love some help so I can query on, and will do my best to return the favor to anyone willing to share feedback! Thank you so much.

 

When Lea Sanchez LEAH SANCHEZ -- character names should be in all caps the first time they're introduced finds her boyfriend kissing her best friend, she turns to her family for comfort. Though beloved and supported by her Mom, Grandpa and sister, heartbreak overwhelms the Filipina teen, until an opportunity to audition for the high school musical production of RENT arises.


However, Lea receives news about her Grandpa’s "grandpa" isn't capitalized here death in a tragic fire after trying to save a boy in the neighboring house that was burning down. She flies back to Manila, the city she grew up in, with her Mom mom and her sister to mourn Grandpa and gather his remains. I'm not seeing how the musical and her grandfather's death connect. I feel like there's something missing in between 

Back in her old hometown, she’s reacquainted with her childhood friend, Adrian, who just so happens to be the boy her Grandpa saved. Adrian Burgos, having just lost his home and his family, accepts an invitation to live with the Sanchezes in New York and be taken care of by his godmother, Lea’s mom, Lisa. You don't have to name the mom, just refer to her by her role in the story

After the burial of Adrian’s family and the cremation of Lea’s grandfather, the Sanchezes head back to New York city, no comma with Adrian in tow. Lea finds herself having a hard time connecting with her orphaned childhood friend despite their shared grief.

 

Just a general thing, your paragraphs are super short and that makes the synopsis kind of choppy. I would see what you could do to combine some


But soon enough, things start looking up as Lea finds a new quirky lunch group to hang out with and finds herself becoming friends with Adrian again. When the auditions for the spring musical Rent are held, Lea exerts herself to get the part of Mimi. Lea, who’s dreamt of becoming a Broadway star for the longest time, is disappointed when she is only assigned as an understudy. However, when her singing video goes viral and she gets another chance at callbacks, Lea finally wins a lead role thanks to the support of her sister, her new friends and Adrian. This right here feels like a plot arc of its own -- I would see what you could do to make it less specific

Over the winter holidays, Lea and Adrian grow closer as they get honest and open up about their heartache over the deaths of their family members. As the new year begins, Adrian starts to come to life and rise from his misery, especially after Lea tours him around New York for his birthday adventure. The two soon become a couple after they share a magical kiss one snowy day. Be careful of too many adjectives and adverbs

As Lea and Adrian live out their teenage romance, everything comes to a sudden halt in the Spring after they’re caught in bed by Lisa after having fallen asleep. Despite having never been strict or conservative in her parenting style, Lisa expresses her concern about Lea and Adrian’s lightning fast relationship.

Soon after, Adrian throws himself into work while Lea pushes herself during rehearsals for RENT, growing anxious when the play director asks her to inhabit her character better.

Feeling the pressure, Lea takes drinks too much alcohol at the cast pre-party. A drunk Lea confronts her ex-boyfriend about cheating on her, only to have him kiss her in an attempt to win her back, which Adrian witnesses.

Ultimately, he breaks it off with Lea when he realizes that he is not ready for the ups and downs of a relationship with her, because he is still badly distressed over the traumatic fire that killed his family.

Yet again heartbroken, an angry, inebriated Lea lashes out, hurting the people she loves in the process. The coming week, she is absolutely alone, because she too has disappointed the two best friends she ever had: her Mom and her sister.

But the day before the spring musical, after an enlightening chat with Adrian, Lea realizes how she has messed up and how she must make it up to the people she hurt. The day of the show, she finally reconciles with her best friend, her new friends, her sister, her mother and Adrian, after they show up to support her performance.

In the summer, Lea’s family, along with Adrian, goes back to the Philippines for a vacation. There, Adrian finally accepts his family’s death and says goodbye to them. In a burst of inspiration, Lea decides to take her family on a trip to the ocean so they can scatter her Grandpa’s ashes. Having let go finally, Lea and Adrian move forward, together.

 

Alright, about halfway through I realized what felt off. My critique partner said something super helpful to me, which is that your synopsis shouldn't read like a short story. Trust me, I know where you're at. You don't have to put every single plot point in a synopsis, just enough to get the general shape of the story. This link is super helpful! You can definitely do this! http://www.publishin...-page-synopsis/

 

If you wouldn't mind, would you take a look at my synopsis? http://agentquerycon...erity-synopsis/



#4 mindy24601

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 07:17 PM

 

Hi everyone,

 

I have been querying for a while now but have been avoiding submitting to agents who require a synopsis because mine is in desperate need of a fix. I'd really love some help so I can query on, and will do my best to return the favor to anyone willing to share feedback! Thank you so much.

 

When Lea Sanchez finds her boyfriend kissing her best friend nice start, she turns to her family for comfort. Though beloved and supported by her Mom, Grandpa and sister, heartbreak overwhelms the Filipina teen, until an opportunity to audition for the high school musical production of RENT arises. okay, good start.


However, during the audition? before the audition? needs a bit more transition. Lea receives news about her Grandpa’s death in a tragic fire after trying to save a boy in the neighboring house that was burning down. oh no She flies back to Manila grandpa was giving telephone support? it sounded before like she lives with her mum, grandpa, and sister, almost , the city she grew up in, with her Mom and her sister to mourn Grandpa and gather his remains.

Back in her old hometown, she’s reacquainted with her childhood friend, Adrian, who just so happens to be the boy her Grandpa saved. ooh nice twist Adrian Burgos, having just lost his home and his family they died in the fire, too?, accepts an invitation to live with the Sanchezes in New York and be taken care of by his godmother, Lea’s mom, Lisa.don't need to mention lisa's name, too confusing

After the burial of Adrian’s family and the cremation of Lea’s grandfather, the Sanchezes head back to New York city, with Adrian in tow. Lea finds herself having a hard time connecting with her orphaned childhood friend despite their shared grief. no paragraph break here

But soon enough, things start looking up as Lea finds a new quirky lunch group to hang out with and finds herself becoming friends with Adrian again. When the auditions for the spring musical Rent are held, Lea exerts not sure this is the right word herself to get the part of Mimi. Lea, who’s dreamt of becoming a Broadway star for the longest time reword this phrase, sounds juvenile, is disappointed when she is only take out only assigned as an understudy. However, when her singing video goes viral and she gets another chance at callbacks, Lea finally wins a lead role thanks to the support of her sister, her new friends and Adrian. this sentence is a bit confusing, consider having a transition piece and rewording

Over the winter holidays, Lea and Adrian grow closer as they get honest and open up about their heartache over the deaths of their family members. As the new year begins, Adrian starts to come to life and rise from his misery so he was miserable before? depressed? you didn't mention this, he sounded like he was supportive and even optimistic, especially after Lea tours wrong word him around New York for his birthday adventure. The two soon become a couple after they share a magical kiss one snowy day.

As Lea and Adrian live out their teenage romance, everything comes to a sudden halt in the Spring no capital S after they’re caught in bed by Lisa after having fallen asleep you mean they didn't have a physical relationship? awkward wording. Despite having never been strict or conservative in her parenting style, Lisa expresses her concern about Lea and Adrian’s lightning fast relationship. why? because it's too fast?

Soon after, Adrian throws himself into work while Lea pushes herself during rehearsals for RENT, growing anxious when the play director asks her to inhabit her character better. so she got mimi's part? 

Feeling the pressure, Lea takes too much alcohol at the cast pre-party. A drunk Lea confronts her ex-boyfriend about cheating on her, only to have him kiss her in an attempt to win her back, which Adrian witnesses. no paragraph break

Ultimately, he breaks it off with Lea when he realizes that he is not ready for the ups and downs of a relationship with her, because he is still badly distressed over the traumatic fire that killed his family. no paragraph break

Yet again heartbroken, an angry, inebriated Lea lashes out, hurting the people she loves in the process. The coming week, she is absolutely alone, because she too too as in, who else did? Adrian? has disappointed the two best friends she ever had: her Mom and her sister.

But the day before the spring musical, after an enlightening chat with Adrian, Lea realizes how she has messed up and how she must make it up to the people she hurt. awkward wording The day of the show, she finally reconciles with her best friend, her new friends, her sister, her mother and Adrian, after they show up to support her performance.

In the summer, Lea’s family, along with Adrian, goes back to the Philippines for a vacation. There, Adrian finally accepts his family’s death and says goodbye to them. In a burst of inspiration, Lea decides to take her family on a trip to the ocean so they can scatter her Grandpa’s ashes. Having let go finally, Lea and Adrian move forward, together.

 

you have a good plot here. just some notes about transition pieces, and the wording's a little awkward in places. but definitely just icing on the cake. 

 

if you would consider lending your thoughts: http://agentquerycon...psis-critique/ 



#5 smithgirl

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 06:46 PM

When x-year-old Filipina LEA SANCHEZ  Write names in all caps the first time they appear in your synopsis. finds her boyfriend kissing her best friend, she turns to her family for comfort. Though beloved and supported by her mom, grandpa and sister, heartbreak overwhelms her the Filipina teen, until an opportunity to audition for the high school musical production of Rent arises. Rent is a musical and needs to be italicized.

 

This is a nice start, but it does not connect logically/temporarily with the next paragraph. Your synopsis needs to flow temporarily. It's like you write this first paragraph and then step back in time.

 

Also these family names (mom, grandpa) are not capitalized unless they are being used as proper names: "I told you, Mom, I'm not going." vs. "I told my mom I wasn't going." 


However, Lea receives news about her Grandpa’s death in a tragic fire after trying to save a boy in the neighboring house that was burning down. She flies back to Manila, the city she grew up in, with her Mom and her sister to mourn Grandpa and gather his remains.

 

What is the timeframe of this relative to the opening?Is it before she's auditioned for Rent? After? There is no time context.


Back in her old hometown, she’s reacquainted with her childhood friend, ADRIAN BURGES, who just so happens to be the boy her Grandpa saved. Adrian Burgos, having just lost his home and his family, accepts an invitation to live with the Sanchezes in New York and be taken care of by his godmother, Lea’s mom, LISA.

After the burial of Adrian’s family and the cremation of Lea’s grandfather, the Sanchezes head back to New York city, with Adrian in tow. Lea finds herself having a hard time connecting with her orphaned childhood friend despite their shared grief.

But soon enough, things look up start looking up as Lea finds a new quirky lunch group to hang out with and finds herself becoming friends with Adrian again. When the auditions for the spring musical Rent are held, Lea exerts herself to get the part of Mimi. Lea, who’s dreamt of becoming a Broadway star for the longest time, is disappointed when she is only assigned as an understudy. However, when her singing video goes viral and she gets another chance at callbacks, Lea finally wins a lead role thanks to the support of her sister, her new friends and Adrian. Can you be more specific about how her sister, new friends, and Adrian contribute?

Over the winter holidays, Lea and Adrian grow closer as they get honest and open up about their heartache over the deaths of their family members. As the new year begins, Adrian starts to come to life and rise from his misery, especially after Lea tours him around New York for his birthday adventure. The two soon become a couple after they share a magical kiss one snowy day.

As Lea and Adrian live out their teenage romance, everything comes to a sudden halt in the spring after Lisa catches them asleep together after sex.  they’re caught in bed by Lisa after having fallen asleep. Despite having never been strict or conservative in her parenting style, Lisa expresses her concern about Lea and Adrian’s lightning fast relationship.

Soon after, Adrian throws himself into work What work? I thought he was a student like Lea. while Lea pushes herself during rehearsals for Rent, growing anxious when the play director asks her to inhabit her character better.

Feeling the pressure, Lea drinks takes too much alcohol at the cast pre-party. A drunk Lea confronts her ex-boyfriend about cheating on her, only to have him kiss her in an attempt to win her back, which Adrian witnesses.

Ultimately, Adrian breaks it off with Lea when he realizes that he is not ready for the ups and downs of a relationship with her, because he is still badly distressed over the traumatic fire that killed his family.

Yet again heartbroken, Lea lashes out an angry, inebriated Lea lashes out, hurting the people she loves in the process. I'm confused. She lashes out at the party? Or she's drunk somewhere else? Because she lashes out while she's drunk. The coming week, she is absolutely alone, She's alone because they stopped talking to her? because she too has disappointed the two best friends she ever had: her Mom and her sister.

But the day before the spring musical, after an enlightening chat with Adrian, Lea realizes how she has messed up and how she must make it up to the people she hurt. The day of the show, she finally reconciles with her best friend, her new friends, her sister, her mother and Adrian, after they show up to support her performance.

In the summer, Lea’s family, along with Adrian, goes back to the Philippines for a vacation. There, Adrian finally accepts his family’s death and says goodbye to them. In a burst of inspiration, Lea decides to take her family on a trip to the ocean so they can scatter her Grandpa’s ashes. Having let go finally, Lea and Adrian move forward, together.
 
I see the overall arc of your story, but it feels disjointed. I am especially unclear regarding the relative timeframes. I would go back and try to write your synopsis so that the story proceeds in a  fluid series of steps, A then B then C. It sounds a bit choppy right now and it could flow better. Also be sure you don't capitalize words incorrectly. You should check that you don't do the same thing in your manuscript. It's a good start, just make it hang together better. Can you please look at my synopsis when you get a chance? Thanks! http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38312-love-literary-revised-post-12/

 







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