Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Huntsman and the Alchemist-Will return Query


  • Please log in to reply
23 replies to this topic

#21 Preston Copeland.Biz

Preston Copeland.Biz

    Preston Copeland

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 280 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I am a self-published author at www.pcopeland2345.com.

Posted 13 December 2017 - 10:13 PM

Thank you, everyone, for your help in helping improve my query! I greatly appreciate it! This is what I've boiled it down to! 

 

​Hello Fellow author,

 

Nineteen-year-old Solarra Vitallis knows what it’s like to stand on top of the world, and thanks to her father she now knows what it’s like to be trapped at the bottom of a well. ​I think this hook could be stronger, and a little more detailed oriented, (is there a difference between Lord Father and her regular father? Are they the same?

                  

Recently instated as the youngest Alchemist in the history of the Brewer’s Guild, Solarra’s life seems perfect, but when her lord father leads a massive slave uprising, stripping her homeland of its precious labor force, Solarra is left in a precarious position with the remaining vengeful nobility. With everyone blinded by hatred for her disgraced family, Solarra seems to be the only one who remembers the ​(why does nobody else think he's the true enemy?) true enemy, Brewmaster Lecter, a ruthless Alchemist overlord who rules from the shadows. Seeking to restore the house of Vitallis to its former glory, Solarra plots to assassinate Lecter, but to succeed she’ll need powerful allies.

                    

 With the nobility calling for her head, Lecter sends ​(I thought she was just trying to kill lecter, now he's sending her places)Solarra halfway across the continent to forge an alliance with the Chancellor of the Citadel, the Inner Kingdom’s wealthiest guild. Solarra, however, has no intention of being Lecter’s pawn and resolves to either earn the Chancellor’s favor for herself or sabotage the Brewmaster’s efforts. Her assignment? To be paired with one of the Citadels Huntsmen, the world’s foremost monster hunters, and use her alchemical abilities to improve the success rate on monster contracts. Knowing a Huntsman could make for an invaluable ally, Solarra is eager to get underway, but when she is paired with legendary Huntsman Thane Grimheart, an irritable recluse who hardly embodies the legendary figure that the stories paint him to be, she quickly realizes her assignment might not be as straightforward as she’d imagined. Contracted to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness, Solarra embarks on an adventure that will thrust her deep into a world unlike any she’s ever known. ​(This sounds good, but I would shorten it considerably. Also, I feel like you're mentioning two plotlines, the revenge on Lecter, and then this across the world hunting monsters business. I would pick one, and focus on that part to shorten it and make it better.

 

​Sounds like a good story, indeed, and you're query is already in pretty good shape but I would shorten it.

 

​Hope that helps

 

Please reciprocate at http://agentquerycon...-eden/?p=349605

 

​I appreciate it.

                                                                                                                            

The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror of Skorengard is a complete 130,000 word adult epic fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and Glen Cook’s The Black Company


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#22 ThatDan

ThatDan

    Back at it

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Purely scientific

Posted 13 December 2017 - 10:43 PM

I want to echo Preston's comment about Lecter sending Solarra away. Doesn't quite feel right.

He's saving her life by sending her away from the vengeful nobility. This actually makes him the good guy!


My query, your critiques >>> http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=349578


#23 The Drowned Man

The Drowned Man

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Zilch

Posted 14 December 2017 - 06:29 PM

Thank you for your feedback! So about Lecter sending Solarra away. They have a strange one on one relationship sort of similar to Dumbledore and Harry Potter in how they meet one on one, except Solarra and Lecter's is much more twisted. Lecter often puts Solarra through cruel tests (mainly of sending her into the bottom of a pool to retrieve a glowing stone that she can never bring back to the surface and often nearly drowns in the process. Also he knows about her cheating on the State Alchemy Exam. Solarra hates Lecter for his manipulative ways and how he controls Rodvanian life through various ways that others not as close to him are always aware of. Lecter, on the other hand, has a particular interest in Solarra though she doesn't know exactly why. Hence him sending her away. Unfortunately, i can't convey all of this in a simple query. 

 

My second point is that I'm aware I'm mentioning two plot points with Solarra's personal goals and teaming up with Thane to hunt down the Horror, but I really don't see a better way to do it as I feel both are crucial to understanding the story. The technical story is about her going north with Thane to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, but her wanting to kill Lecter and free her homeland is the character motivation for wanting to so. I just can't think of a better way to combine the two?

 

Below is my revision for my hook, give it a go? Thanks! 

 

Wealth, power, prestige, nineteen-year-old Solarra Vitallis has been living a life that would make most princesses envious, but when her lord father leads a massive slave uprising, stripping her homeland of its precious labor force, her once perfect world is lit aflame. 

 

Thanks all!



#24 ThatDan

ThatDan

    Back at it

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Purely scientific

Posted 15 December 2017 - 03:47 AM

Thank you for your feedback! So about Lecter sending Solarra away. They have a strange one on one relationship sort of similar to Dumbledore and Harry Potter in how they meet one on one, except Solarra and Lecter's is much more twisted. Lecter often puts Solarra through cruel tests (mainly of sending her into the bottom of a pool to retrieve a glowing stone that she can never bring back to the surface and often nearly drowns in the process. Also he knows about her cheating on the State Alchemy Exam. Solarra hates Lecter for his manipulative ways and how he controls Rodvanian life through various ways that others not as close to him are always aware of. Lecter, on the other hand, has a particular interest in Solarra though she doesn't know exactly why. Hence him sending her away. Unfortunately, i can't convey all of this in a simple query.

 

​Here is a rough suggestion how you might get away with the disconnect, without having to explain too much extra

With the nobility calling for her head, Lecter saves Solarra ​by sending her halfway across the continent, but only so she can repay his favor by forging an alliance with the Chancellor of the Citadel, the Inner Kingdom’s wealthiest guild. ​<Lecter, despite saving Solarra, remains the bad guy because he only did it for personal gains.

 

My second point is that I'm aware I'm mentioning two plot points with Solarra's personal goals and teaming up with Thane to hunt down the Horror, but I really don't see a better way to do it as I feel both are crucial to understanding the story. The technical story is about her going north with Thane to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, but her wanting to kill Lecter and free her homeland is the character motivation for wanting to so. I just can't think of a better way to combine the two?

​I think my earlier critique would suffice. Just add something towards the end about her needing to defeat the Horror if she's ever going to become strong/brave enough to eventually take on Lecter. Make it so her main challenge is a prerequisite for her final goal.

 

Below is my revision for my hook, give it a go? Thanks! 

 

Wealth, power, prestige, nineteen-year-old Solarra Vitallis has been living a life that would make most princesses envious, but when her lord father leads a massive slave uprising, stripping her homeland of its precious labor force, her once perfect world is lit aflame. ​<it's good, but too long to be hooky, imo. You could probably adjust and shorten it to give it more punch.

 

 

Thanks all!

​Keep up the good work.


My query, your critiques >>> http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=349578





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users