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The Huntsman and the Alchemist-Will return Query


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#21 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 13 December 2017 - 10:13 PM

Thank you, everyone, for your help in helping improve my query! I greatly appreciate it! This is what I've boiled it down to! 

 

​Hello Fellow author,

 

Nineteen-year-old Solarra Vitallis knows what it’s like to stand on top of the world, and thanks to her father she now knows what it’s like to be trapped at the bottom of a well. ​I think this hook could be stronger, and a little more detailed oriented, (is there a difference between Lord Father and her regular father? Are they the same?

                  

Recently instated as the youngest Alchemist in the history of the Brewer’s Guild, Solarra’s life seems perfect, but when her lord father leads a massive slave uprising, stripping her homeland of its precious labor force, Solarra is left in a precarious position with the remaining vengeful nobility. With everyone blinded by hatred for her disgraced family, Solarra seems to be the only one who remembers the ​(why does nobody else think he's the true enemy?) true enemy, Brewmaster Lecter, a ruthless Alchemist overlord who rules from the shadows. Seeking to restore the house of Vitallis to its former glory, Solarra plots to assassinate Lecter, but to succeed she’ll need powerful allies.

                    

 With the nobility calling for her head, Lecter sends ​(I thought she was just trying to kill lecter, now he's sending her places)Solarra halfway across the continent to forge an alliance with the Chancellor of the Citadel, the Inner Kingdom’s wealthiest guild. Solarra, however, has no intention of being Lecter’s pawn and resolves to either earn the Chancellor’s favor for herself or sabotage the Brewmaster’s efforts. Her assignment? To be paired with one of the Citadels Huntsmen, the world’s foremost monster hunters, and use her alchemical abilities to improve the success rate on monster contracts. Knowing a Huntsman could make for an invaluable ally, Solarra is eager to get underway, but when she is paired with legendary Huntsman Thane Grimheart, an irritable recluse who hardly embodies the legendary figure that the stories paint him to be, she quickly realizes her assignment might not be as straightforward as she’d imagined. Contracted to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness, Solarra embarks on an adventure that will thrust her deep into a world unlike any she’s ever known. ​(This sounds good, but I would shorten it considerably. Also, I feel like you're mentioning two plotlines, the revenge on Lecter, and then this across the world hunting monsters business. I would pick one, and focus on that part to shorten it and make it better.

 

​Sounds like a good story, indeed, and you're query is already in pretty good shape but I would shorten it.

 

​Hope that helps

 

Please reciprocate at http://agentquerycon...-eden/?p=349605

 

​I appreciate it.

                                                                                                                            

The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror of Skorengard is a complete 130,000 word adult epic fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and Glen Cook’s The Black Company


Preston Copeland

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Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#22 ThatDan

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Posted 13 December 2017 - 10:43 PM

I want to echo Preston's comment about Lecter sending Solarra away. Doesn't quite feel right.

He's saving her life by sending her away from the vengeful nobility. This actually makes him the good guy!


I'm no professional. Take my critiques merely as suggestions.

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#23 The Drowned Man

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Posted 14 December 2017 - 06:29 PM

Thank you for your feedback! So about Lecter sending Solarra away. They have a strange one on one relationship sort of similar to Dumbledore and Harry Potter in how they meet one on one, except Solarra and Lecter's is much more twisted. Lecter often puts Solarra through cruel tests (mainly of sending her into the bottom of a pool to retrieve a glowing stone that she can never bring back to the surface and often nearly drowns in the process. Also he knows about her cheating on the State Alchemy Exam. Solarra hates Lecter for his manipulative ways and how he controls Rodvanian life through various ways that others not as close to him are always aware of. Lecter, on the other hand, has a particular interest in Solarra though she doesn't know exactly why. Hence him sending her away. Unfortunately, i can't convey all of this in a simple query. 

 

My second point is that I'm aware I'm mentioning two plot points with Solarra's personal goals and teaming up with Thane to hunt down the Horror, but I really don't see a better way to do it as I feel both are crucial to understanding the story. The technical story is about her going north with Thane to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, but her wanting to kill Lecter and free her homeland is the character motivation for wanting to so. I just can't think of a better way to combine the two?

 

Below is my revision for my hook, give it a go? Thanks! 

 

Wealth, power, prestige, nineteen-year-old Solarra Vitallis has been living a life that would make most princesses envious, but when her lord father leads a massive slave uprising, stripping her homeland of its precious labor force, her once perfect world is lit aflame. 

 

Thanks all!



#24 ThatDan

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Posted 15 December 2017 - 03:47 AM

Thank you for your feedback! So about Lecter sending Solarra away. They have a strange one on one relationship sort of similar to Dumbledore and Harry Potter in how they meet one on one, except Solarra and Lecter's is much more twisted. Lecter often puts Solarra through cruel tests (mainly of sending her into the bottom of a pool to retrieve a glowing stone that she can never bring back to the surface and often nearly drowns in the process. Also he knows about her cheating on the State Alchemy Exam. Solarra hates Lecter for his manipulative ways and how he controls Rodvanian life through various ways that others not as close to him are always aware of. Lecter, on the other hand, has a particular interest in Solarra though she doesn't know exactly why. Hence him sending her away. Unfortunately, i can't convey all of this in a simple query.

 

​Here is a rough suggestion how you might get away with the disconnect, without having to explain too much extra

With the nobility calling for her head, Lecter saves Solarra ​by sending her halfway across the continent, but only so she can repay his favor by forging an alliance with the Chancellor of the Citadel, the Inner Kingdom’s wealthiest guild. ​<Lecter, despite saving Solarra, remains the bad guy because he only did it for personal gains.

 

My second point is that I'm aware I'm mentioning two plot points with Solarra's personal goals and teaming up with Thane to hunt down the Horror, but I really don't see a better way to do it as I feel both are crucial to understanding the story. The technical story is about her going north with Thane to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, but her wanting to kill Lecter and free her homeland is the character motivation for wanting to so. I just can't think of a better way to combine the two?

​I think my earlier critique would suffice. Just add something towards the end about her needing to defeat the Horror if she's ever going to become strong/brave enough to eventually take on Lecter. Make it so her main challenge is a prerequisite for her final goal.

 

Below is my revision for my hook, give it a go? Thanks! 

 

Wealth, power, prestige, nineteen-year-old Solarra Vitallis has been living a life that would make most princesses envious, but when her lord father leads a massive slave uprising, stripping her homeland of its precious labor force, her once perfect world is lit aflame. ​<it's good, but too long to be hooky, imo. You could probably adjust and shorten it to give it more punch.

 

 

Thanks all!

​Keep up the good work.


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#25 The Drowned Man

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Posted 21 December 2017 - 07:38 PM

Thanks everyone for all your help with this! I've really learned a lot and am immensely appreciative of all of your feedback! I've been toiling away on the query for a few days now and have gotten to the point that slaving over it anymore will only further blind me to its faults! Below is my current query. Cheers all! 

 

Wealth, power, prestige, nineteen-year-old Solarra Vitallis would make most princesses look like common scullions, but when her lord father leads a massive slave uprising, her once impeccable world is set ablaze.

 

Recently instated as the youngest Alchemist in the history of the Brewer’s Guild, Solarra’s life seems perfect, but following her father’s devastating betrayal, her homeland has been stripped of its precious labor force, leaving Solarra in a precarious position with the remaining vengeful nobility. With everyone blinded by hatred for her disgraced family, Solarra seems to be the only one who remembers the true enemy, Brewmaster Lecter, a ruthless Alchemist overlord who rules from the shadows. Seeking to restore house Vitallis to its former glory, Solarra plots to assassinate Lecter, but to succeed she’ll need powerful allies.

                  

 Unaware of her intentions, Lecter sends Solarra halfway across the continent to forge an alliance with the Chancellor of the Citadel, the Inner Kingdom’s wealthiest guild. Solarra, however, has no intention of being Lecter’s pawn and resolves to either earn the Chancellor’s favor for herself or sabotage the Brewmaster’s efforts. Her assignment? To be paired with one of the Citadel’s Huntsmen, the world’s foremost monster hunters. Knowing a Huntsman could make for an invaluable ally, Solarra is eager to get underway, but when she is paired with legendary Huntsman Thane Grimheart, an irritable recluse who hardly embodies the legendary figure that the stories paint him to be, she quickly realizes her assignment might not be as straightforward as she’d imagined. Contracted to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness, Solarra must swallow her pride and endure Thane’s disgruntled grumblings for the future of her house and embark on an adventure that will thrust her deep into a world unlike she’s ever known.

                                                                                                                            

The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror of Skorengard is a complete 130,000 word adult epic fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and Glen Cook’s The Black Company.



#26 RMLucas

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Posted 22 December 2017 - 06:57 PM

Thank you, everyone, for your help in helping improve my query! I greatly appreciate it! This is what I've boiled it down to! 

 

Nineteen-year-old Solarra Vitallis knows what it’s like to stand on top of the world, and thanks to her father she now knows what it’s like to be trapped at the bottom of a well.

                  

Recently instated as the youngest Alchemist in the history of the Brewer’s Guild, Solarra’s life seems perfect, but when her lord father leads a massive slave uprising, stripping her homeland of its precious labor force, Solarra is left in a precarious position with the remaining vengeful nobility. With everyone blinded by hatred for her disgraced family, Solarra seems to be the only one who remembers the true enemy, Brewmaster Lecter, a ruthless Alchemist overlord who rules from the shadows. Seeking to restore the house of Vitallis to its former glory, Solarra plots to assassinate Lecter, but to succeed she’ll need powerful allies.

                    

 With the nobility calling for her head, Lecter sends Solarra halfway across the continent to forge an alliance with the Chancellor of the Citadel, the Inner Kingdom’s wealthiest guild. Solarra, however, has no intention of being Lecter’s pawn and resolves to either earn the Chancellor’s favor for herself or sabotage the Brewmaster’s efforts. Her assignment? To be paired with one of the Citadel's Huntsmen, the world’s foremost monster hunters, and use her alchemical abilities to improve the success rate on monster contracts. Knowing a Huntsman could make for an invaluable ally, Solarra is eager to get underway, but when she is paired with legendary Huntsman Thane Grimheart, an irritable recluse who hardly embodies the legendary figure that the stories paint him to be, she quickly realizes her assignment might not be as straightforward as she’d imagined. Contracted to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness, Solarra embarks on an adventure that will thrust her deep into a world unlike any she’s ever known.

                                                                                                                            

The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror of Skorengard is a complete 130,000 word adult epic fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and Glen Cook’s The Black Company

 

 

There really not much I would change. Its a great query. Sorry I got to the end to help provide advice. Only missing an apostrophe above. Overall very concise and clear. Great job! I would love your opinion on mine if you have a minute.

http://agentquerycon...r-for-critique/



#27 egavin

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Posted 28 December 2017 - 10:07 PM

Wealth, power, prestige (i think there's a word or two missing here?) nineteen-year-old Solarra Vitallis would make most princesses look like common scullions, but when her lord father leads a massive slave uprising, her once impeccable world is set ablaze.

 

Recently instated as the youngest Alchemist in the history of the Brewer’s Guild, Solarra’s lives a seemingly perfect life, (The way you had it before, the subject of the sentence is Solarra's life not Solarra personally. I honestly have no idea if agents will be THAT nitpicky though...) but following her father’s devastating betrayal, her homeland has been stripped of its precious labor force, leaving Solarra in a precarious position (Precarious position sounds a little clinical. Simply "Leaving Solarra surrounded by vengeful nobility" feels tenser to me? with the remaining vengeful nobility. With everyone blinded by hatred for her disgraced family, Solarra seems to be the only one who remembers the true enemy, Brewmaster Lecter, a ruthless Alchemist overlord who rules from the shadows. Seeking to restore house Vitallis to its former glory, Solarra plots to assassinate Lecter, but to succeed she’ll need powerful allies.

                  

 Unaware of her intentions, Lecter sends Solarra halfway across the continent to forge an alliance with the Chancellor of the Citadel, the Inner Kingdom’s wealthiest guild. (Oh, so Lecter is the ruler of Solarra's country? With the previous paragraph, it felt like he was an enemy faction. Is there any way to make this clearer) Solarra, however, has no intention of being Lecter’s pawn and resolves to either earn the Chancellor’s favor for herself or sabotage the Brewmaster’s efforts. Her assignment? To be paired with (Is there something more specific than "paired with"? Are they just partnered for one assignment, blood bond for life, etc.) one of the Citadel’s Huntsmen, the world’s foremost monster hunters. Knowing a Huntsman could make for an invaluable ally, Solarra is eager to get underway, but when she is paired with legendary Huntsman Thane Grimheart, an irritable recluse who hardly embodies the legendary figure that the stories paint him to be, she quickly realizes her assignment might not be as straightforward as she’d imagined. (This construction of this sentence feels a little off. I think it's since "but when" implies that there are going to be problems, but being paired with a legend doesn't seem like a problem. Is it possible to move the information about Grimheart into the previous sentence, and then jsut say, like, "But when Thane Grimheart turns out to be a raving old recluse, she quickly realizes..." Contracted to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness, Solarra must swallow her pride and endure Thane’s disgruntled grumblings for the future of her house and embark on an adventure that will thrust her deep into a world unlike she’s ever known. Nice ending! Though is it possible to smoothly integrate something about Lecter here? The whole "assassinate Lecter" part seems to get lost in the monster hunting subplot.

                                                                                                                            

The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror of Skorengard is a complete 130,000 word adult epic fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and Glen Cook’s The Black Company.

Looking pretty good so far! Just one small question though: How does Solarra feel about her father's slave uprising? Disgust? Silent approval? Right now, I'm sort of getting that Solarra is this privileged slaver, which isn't particularly likable. Since this is epic fantasy, where a whole lot of moral ambiguity is par for the course, I don't think this is going to tank your query, but an extra spark of charm or humanity can't hurt either.

Good luck!



#28 RMLucas

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Posted 29 December 2017 - 04:02 AM

Hey everyone just wanted to get some feedback on this query before I sent it out to agents! Please let me know what you think! 

 

As the youngest instated Alchemist in the history of the Brewer’s Guild, Solarra Vitallis has some big expectations to fill. and could He could very well be the only person capable of restoring freedom to her homeland of Rodvania. But thanks to her deadbeat father, who’s recently sailed off with half the nation’s slave population, the whole of the nobility has been turned against her. Broke, hated, and with a small army of money hungry bounty hunters hot on her trail, Solarra quickly realizes that things might not be as simple as she anticipated. May want to narrow this hook down. Seems like a lot is going on.   

                            

As heir to the formerly richest slave-owning family in Rodvania, it’s hardly a surprise when Solarra arrives at the infamous Citadel for her first assignment and expects the world to bow to her every whim. While meeting with the Chancellor on official guild business, Solarra is armed with a her own secret agenda; to recruit powerful allies to help her overthrow the guild's Brewmaster, a calculating overlord who rules Rodvania from the shadows with an iron fist. Oh, her biggest secret? She cheated on the State Alchemist Exams, but no biggie, right? (This sentence seems to come out of left field and unrelated to your previous sentences. how does this affect the MC?)

 

When Solarra winds up getting stuck with world renowned Huntsman (Why is she stuck with him? Why was she chooses for this task?), Thane Grimheart, a man who hardly embodies the legendary monster hunter that the stories paint him to be, she must undertake the most dangerous task of her life: to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness. With a satchel full of potions, an arsenal of secrets, and a kick em in the ass attitude, Solarra eagerly sets out to kill this Horror and return for her next assignment, but little does she know that the path laid out before her is unlike any she’s ever dared dream of. (Still looking for whats at stake.)

 

The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror of Skorengard is a complete 130,000 word adult epic fantasy novel that would appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones.

 

The main problem with your query is that it seems to bounce around a lot between all of your different ideas. You need to narrow down the query to the MC, what her problem is, whats getting in her way and especially whats at stake. Hope this helps. Would love your opinion on my own query. Good luck!

 

http://agentquerycon...tique/?p=349850



#29 The Drowned Man

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 02:20 AM

This is my most current query for The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror for Skorengard

 

Dear Agent

 

When it comes to killing monsters, Thane Grimheart only has two rules: survive and get paid. Subjected to brutal trials that have increased his speed, strength, and agility to superhuman levels, Thane belongs to a dying breed of elite monster hunters known as Huntsman. Feared by an alienating society, Thane lives a solitary life trekking through murky swamps and dense woodlands in search of work.

 

After successfully hunting down a griffin for the Inner Kingdom’s most powerful guild, Thane returns to collect the bounty and is offered a superior contract: to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness. The catch? He must work with a partner, something he vowed to never do again. Solarra is a young brash Alchemist with a privileged slaver background. Unable to pass up such a prized contract, Thane grudgingly accepts. Together he and Solarra ride north for Skorengard, a lawless realm teeming with savage northmen and voracious monsters. To survive, the Huntsman and the Alchemist must set aside their differences and come to the realization that not all monsters have fangs and claws. Some can be found much closer to home.

 

The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror of Skorengard is a complete 140,000 word adult epic fantasy novel with strong sequel potential that will appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and Glen Cook’s The Black Company.






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