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Small Brook - Horror/Thriller


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#1 TClark

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Posted 04 December 2017 - 07:45 PM

Wilfred Walter’s paranormal research and writing career has gone down the toilet. His books on Amazon sit idle while the rent checks pile up. Photo shopping ghost children into hazy photos doesn’t buy the public’s attention anymore. He hasn’t encountered the paranormal in years and his readers can smell the bullshit. After months of dead end leads, Wilfred stumbles upon a link for a town buried in secrecy: Small Brook. Encapsulated by the vast Alaskan wilderness, the few people who visited the remote town have all died mysterious deaths. Small brook his Wilfred’s key back into success.

            Small Brook has been completely erased from public knowledge. Working around this obstacle, Wilfred manages to track the down the phone number of a town resident: Jessica Alberts. Nervously granting her a call, Jessica invites Wilfred to Small Brook to encounter the horror of Small Brook for herself. She hangs up abruptly with a final warning that Department of Wildlife monitors everything they do.

            Wilfred finds himself in the home of Jessica Alberts two days alter. The home is barricaded like a fortress much like the other homes of the town. She gives him two simple rules: always lock the doors and never go outside after dark. As an investigator he is quick to violate these rules. The first night the nightmare begins. Hordes of the creatures emerge from the Alaskan wilderness and surround Jessica’s house. Wilfred manages to capture several photographs and smudge has their attention directed to him.

            Wilfred continues his investigation by exploring the house and nearby grounds. Jessica has welded shut the outside basement entrance and barricaded the basement door. His adventure into the nearby forest turns up little until he trips over a small hole. He soon discovers the immediate forest floor is covered in porous holes leading to a cave system. Wilfred is stunned to realize the holes are emitting hot air. His research is cut short by sticks cracking in the woods and the intense feeling of being watched.

            Another night in Small Brook and he is awoken into a nightmare. A shadowy figure, different than of the creatures he had observed previous, beckons him to allow the figure inside. Wilfred refuses and is forcefully awoken from his nightmare in the kitchen by Jessica. All of her defense measures on the house had been removed. The lawn has been scorched in a perfect circle around the house. The next day is tense as Jessica and Wilfred work to replace the fortifications of the home. In between their tense argument and Jessica’s insistence Wilfred return home, a plastic bag is found dangling the woods. A note scribbled in German directs Wilfred to the “vault.”

            As the situation escalates and the creatures in the woods attempt further interaction with Wilfred, the townspeople and Jessica grow increasingly anxious at the increase in activity. Even worse, translating the German notes online has caught the attention of the Department as their Internet connection is severed. Wilfred and Jessica are not such which to designate as the larger threat.

            A townsperson who has given Wilfred troubling for investigating the town arrives on Jessica’s doorstep as the paranormal activity escalates and the fear of Department action grows. Wilfred manages to convince Jessica to open the basement door and after discovering a hidden tunnel beneath an old boiler. Wilfred attempts to return a suspected belonging of one of the beings into the hole he had discovered in the yard days before. Tom attempts to stop him but is grabbed and pulled beneath the Earth.

            Wilfred is left with no other option than to travel to the supposed “vault.” The creatures have destroyed Jessica’s car, killed a beloved town member, pushed Jessica to the brink, and more than likely brought the Department’s attention to him. His only option is to attempt to solve the mystery beneath the town. He journeys to the nearby abandoned military facility, where at an unfathomable depth below the Earth’s surface he finds their lair. Working their home he ventures deeper into labyrinth, discovering greater horrors than the creatures who had originally stalked him. He kills a former US serviceman known as Jack, a fleshy creature who serves his overlords. Deeper he comes across walls of flesh and the reanimated corpses of Native Americans who hint at the greater evil inside. Wilfred continues further and crosses a great underground river where all those who have died in Small Brook shimmer below the water’s surface. Lastly, beyond reality, he discovers a great temple. Inside he meets Muller, a former Nazi and creator of the creatures haunting Small Brook to create a more perfect race of humans. Muller wants to Wilfred to let the shadowy figure take possession of Wilfred to heighten his writing career and draw more to Small Brook. Wilfred, however, is too distraught by the sight of Muller parasitically leeching off Jessica’s supposedly dead brother and manages to incapacitate him. Wilfred investigates the temple further and finds a break in reality between this world and the next. He discovers a portal straight to Hell and more specifically, the throne room of Asmodeus, a crown prince of Hell and the demon of desire.

            Wilfred manages to escape back to Jessica’s home. The creature’s attack that night and manage to ravage most of the town. Jessica dies in the process of protecting her home and just as Asmodeus approaches Wilfred cowering in the corner, the Department arrives and contains the situation. Wilfred is taken into custody. 



#2 galaxyspinner

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Posted 07 December 2017 - 05:45 PM

Wilfred Walter’s (The first time you use a character's name, put it in all-caps) paranormal research and writing career has gone down the toilet. His books on Amazon sit idle while the rent checks pile up. Photo shopping (One word: "PhotoShopping") ghost children into hazy photos doesn’t buy the public’s attention anymore. He hasn’t encountered the paranormal in years and his readers can smell the bullshit. After months of dead end leads, Wilfred stumbles upon a link for a town buried in secrecy: Small Brook. Encapsulated by the vast Alaskan wilderness, the few people who visited the remote town have all died mysterious deaths. Small brook (Capitalize "brook") his ("is") Wilfred’s key back into success.

            Small Brook has been completely erased from public knowledge (It doesn't seem like it has, if he found a link to it). Working around this obstacle, Wilfred manages to track the (oops; extra "the") down the phone number of a town resident: Jessica Alberts. Nervously granting her a call, Jessica (Agreement error: your first clause is modifying Jessica when it should be modifying Wilfred) invites Wilfred to Small Brook to encounter the horror of Small Brook (You used the town's name twice in quick succession) for herself (himself?). She hangs up abruptly with a final warning that ("the") Department of Wildlife monitors everything they do.

            Wilfred finds himself in the home of Jessica Alberts two days alter ("after"?). The home is barricaded like a fortress much like the other homes of the town. She gives him two simple rules: always lock the doors and never go outside after dark. As an investigator he is quick to violate these rules. The first night the nightmare begins. Hordes of the creatures (what creatures?) emerge from the Alaskan wilderness and surround Jessica’s house. Wilfred manages to capture several photographs and smudge (what?) has their attention directed to him.

            Wilfred continues his investigation by exploring the house and nearby grounds. Jessica has welded shut the outside basement entrance and barricaded the basement door. His adventure into the nearby forest turns up little until he trips over a small hole. He soon discovers the immediate forest floor is covered in porous holes leading to a cave system. Wilfred is stunned to realize the holes are emitting hot air. His research is cut short by sticks cracking in the woods and the intense feeling of being watched.

            Another night in Small Brook and he is awoken into a nightmare (you already used this word; consider mixing it up). A shadowy figure, different than of the creatures (we still don't have any idea what these creatures are or what they look like) he had observed previous, beckons him to allow the figure inside. Wilfred refuses and is forcefully awoken from his nightmare (so it's a literal nightmare this time? The fact that he's "awoken" into it throws me off) in the kitchen by Jessica. All of her defense measures on the house had been removed. The lawn has been scorched in a perfect circle around the house. The next day is tense as Jessica and Wilfred work to replace the fortifications of the home. In between their tense argument and Jessica’s insistence Wilfred return home, a plastic bag is found dangling the woods. A note scribbled in German directs Wilfred to the “vault.”

            As the situation escalates and the creatures in the woods attempt further interaction with Wilfred, the townspeople and Jessica grow increasingly anxious at the increase in activity. Even worse, translating the German notes online has caught the attention of the Department as their Internet connection is severed. Wilfred and Jessica are not such ("sure"?) which to designate as the larger threat.

            A townsperson who has given Wilfred troubling ("trouble"?) for investigating the town arrives on Jessica’s doorstep as the paranormal activity escalates and the fear of Department action grows. Wilfred manages to convince Jessica to open the basement door and after discovering a hidden tunnel beneath an old boiler (awkward sentence). Wilfred attempts to return a suspected belonging of one of the beings into the hole he had discovered in the yard days before (what?). Tom (who?) attempts to stop him but is grabbed and pulled beneath the Earth.

            Wilfred is left with no other option than to travel to the supposed “vault.” The creatures have destroyed Jessica’s car, killed a beloved town member, pushed Jessica to the brink, and more than likely brought the Department’s attention to him. His only option is to attempt to solve the mystery beneath the town. He journeys to the nearby abandoned military facility, where at an unfathomable depth below the Earth’s surface he finds their lair. Working their home (what?) he ventures deeper into labyrinth, discovering greater horrors than the creatures who had originally stalked him. He kills a former US serviceman known as Jack, a fleshy creature who serves his overlords. Deeper he comes across walls of flesh and the reanimated corpses of Native Americans who hint at the greater evil inside. Wilfred continues further and crosses a great underground river where all those who have died in Small Brook shimmer below the water’s surface. Lastly, beyond reality (what?), he discovers a great temple. Inside he meets Muller, a former Nazi and creator of the creatures haunting Small Brook to create a more perfect race of humans. Muller wants to (extra "to") Wilfred to let the shadowy figure take possession of Wilfred to heighten his writing career and draw more to Small Brook. Wilfred, however, is too distraught by the sight of Muller parasitically leeching off Jessica’s supposedly dead brother and manages to incapacitate him. Wilfred investigates the temple further and finds a break in reality between this world and the next. He discovers a portal straight to Hell and more specifically, the throne room of Asmodeus, a crown prince of Hell and the demon of desire.

            Wilfred manages to escape back to Jessica’s home. The creature’s (plural, not possessive) attack that night and manage to ravage most of the town. Jessica dies in the process of protecting her home and just as Asmodeus approaches Wilfred cowering in the corner, the Department arrives and contains the situation. Wilfred is taken into custody.

 

There's a lot of "huh?" moments in here, and very few questions answered. At no point are we given a concept of what the creatures are, or what they are doing; apparently they have something to do with a Nazi plan to engineer the perfect race, but the logic of this doesn't follow in any obvious way. And then Hell is involved? I'm left wondering how all this fits together, as well as why the town exists, why the locales don't leave, and why the government is interested in keeping it covered up.

 

I would also take a careful look at your sentence structure. There are many grammatical errors, typos, and instances of awkward syntax; try reading it through out loud to help you improve its readability.


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