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help me make this hook rock **The Girl in Mid-Bloom**

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#1 MissTeela


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Posted 05 December 2017 - 11:34 AM

thanks so much, guys.

Elizabeth is terrified when she falls for a woman instead of a man. Everything screams at her to concentrate on the guy courting her – her conservative upbringing, her father who’s a well-respected pastor, the traditionalist town she lives in. Everything. Except her heart.

For context, here is the query letter.

Twenty-eight-year-old Elizabeth is frustrated about wasting six years of her life in a relationship that didn’t go anywhere. Eager to get married and settle down, she breaks her rule of not dating her life-coaching clients and says yes when Josh asks her out. On a hot summer night in posh but conservative West Palm Beach, Josh stands her up and Elizabeth meets Remy, a bold and captivating young woman. When Elizabeth starts developing romantic feelings for Remy, she is alarmed but curious.

The day Elizabeth’s father sees her and Remy kissing, her parents cancel their weekly family brunches and slip into giving her the silent treatment. Elizabeth is crushed. When Josh calls her and explains why he stood her up and asks for a second chance, she reluctantly agrees. After their date goes well, Elizabeth throws herself into making their budding relationship work. The problem is, Josh doesn’t make her heart race and her body thrum like Remy does.

Despite Elizabeth’s attempts to forget about Remy, she can’t. But if Elizabeth chooses Remy, she risks losing her parent’s love and acceptance. Almost as bad will be the gawking and whispers when she holds Remy’s hand or kisses her in public. But losing Remy will prove to be just as terrifying for Elizabeth.

THE GIRL IN MID-BLOOM, a women’s fiction manuscript complete at 99,000 words, is a cross between the drama of Jodi Picoult’s Sing You Home and the playfulness of Kristen Zimmer’s The Gravity Between Us.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


#2 lnloft



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Posted 11 December 2017 - 05:30 PM

Hmm... It's not bad, I think. It's a little harder for me to judge, because it doesn't exactly grab me, but I think a big part of that is that this is not a genre I would naturally be reading. I think my biggest critique is that the first sentence is a little tell-y instead of show-y. Think about how you could convey the same information you have, but in a more exciting way. Concrete details from the story. "Elizabeth wants to make it work with her newest [adjective] boyfriend, until she meets a [adjective] woman at a [location], and falls head over heels." Then plug in the rest of the paragraph. You don't have to follow what I've written exactly, but often a couple juicy details can help paint that picture that makes the agent want to see more of your writing.

Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.

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