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Ruptured Sky - Science Fiction (Will Return Critique)


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#1 NGrzesik

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Posted 07 December 2017 - 05:21 PM

This actually isn't my first time with this query on this site. I was working on it a little under a month ago, but since then I've decided to take a break from querying with it (because it's so close to the holidays) and work on another project. But during that time, I figured it wouldn't hurt to put this back up here to get further feedback. 

 

So, in general, any comments or critiques are welcome. I will happily return critiques on other people's queries. Thanks!

 

 

Dear <Insert Agent Name Here>,

 

John Walker is shocked when he kills a woman with his car and witnesses her fatal wounds heal.  

 

After he takes her to a hospital, an alien light descends from the sky and destroys the entire building. Barely escaping with the woman he hit, John reunites with his father, a man he thought to be dead. His father delivers a grave revelation: a race of extradimensional beings imperils all of reality.

 

The beings are imprisoned in the void between dimensions and divided by civil war. Their war threatens to spill into our reality via cracks in the fabric of space and time. Among them, a single entity plots to widen the cracks and unleash those who want to escape the void. Once free, the extradimensional beings will obliterate anyone who stands in their way.

 

John struggles to forgive his father for his absence and questions his own place in a conflict older than humanity. That is, until he learns another truth. He, too, is an extradimensional being, and one of the few who can kill the entity. John must reconcile with his father and help him kill the being, but to attack it means certain death.

 

The woman he hit also questions her place in a war amid the cosmos. Her memories are gone, and she has no recollection of her identity. But when her memories resurface, a terrifying realization emerges: she may be the true enemy.

 

RUPTURED SKY is a science-fiction novel complete at 80,000 words. A character-driven story about loss, forgiveness and the importance of family, I believe the blend of sci-fi elements and traditional themes can appeal to broad audiences.

 

<Insert Submission Requirements Here>

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 


If you found my suggestions to be helpful, I'd appreciate if you took a look at my query for Ruptured Sky. Thanks. 


#2 ThatDan

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Posted 11 December 2017 - 03:16 AM

Hope my comments help:

This actually isn't my first time with this query on this site. I was working on it a little under a month ago, but since then I've decided to take a break <same here from querying with it (because it's so close to the holidays) and work on another project. But during that time, I figured it wouldn't hurt to put this back up here to get further feedback. - stay on the horse;)

 

So, in general, any comments or critiques are welcome. I will happily return critiques on other people's queries. Thanks!

 

 

Dear <Insert Agent Name Here>,

 

John Walker is shocked when he kills a woman with his car and witnesses her fatal wounds heal.  

 

After he takes her to a hospital, an alien light descends from the sky and destroys the entire building. Barely escaping with the woman he hit, John reunites with his father, a man he thought to be dead. <why and how? its an odd jump to go from *escapes exploding hospital* to "turns out dad's alive" His father delivers a grave revelation: a race of extradimensional beings imperils all of reality.

 

The beings are imprisoned in the void between dimensions and divided by civil war. Their war threatens to spill into our reality via cracks in the fabric of space and time. Among them, a single entity plots to widen the cracks and unleash those who want to escape the void. Once free, the extradimensional beings will obliterate anyone who stands in their way. < I like the plot this paragraph starts to build, but I have no idea how to visualize these "beings". maybe they're gross aliens, or maybe theyre humanoid like us.

 

John struggles to forgive his father for his absence and questions his own place in a conflict older than humanity. That is, until he learns another truth. He, too, is an extradimensional being, and one of the few who can kill the entity. John must reconcile with his father and help him kill the being, but to attack it means certain death. <why? seems too vague to just say "if he attacks, he dies". Also, I think most of this paragraph needs more flair and flow (feels like it's been chopped and changed from some previous edits)

 

The woman he hit also questions her place in a war amid the cosmos. Her memories are gone, and she has no recollection of her identity. But when her memories resurface, a terrifying realization emerges: she may be the true enemy. <this paragraph really interests me, but it fells tacked on at the end. maybe you can work it into the stakes with the previous paragraph.

 

RUPTURED SKY is a science-fiction novel complete at 80,000 words. A character-driven story about loss, forgiveness and the importance of family, I believe the blend of sci-fi elements and traditional themes can appeal to broad audiences. <not necessarily needed

 

<Insert Submission Requirements Here>

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


My query, your critiques >>> http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=349578


#3 Dennis Lee

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Posted 15 December 2017 - 12:48 PM

Hi NGrzesik,

 

Below are my comments on your query. I'm new to AgentQuery, so other more experienced members my offer better suggestions than mine.

 

Dear <Insert Agent Name Here>,

 

John Walker is shocked when he kills a woman (I suggest giving her name) with his car and witnesses her fatal wounds heal.  I love this opening line. It captures our attention immediately.

 

After he takes her (or give her name here) to a hospital (wouldn't he call 911 and have an ambulance take her? Wouldn't the first responders say she is dead, and then have her taken to a morgue? Or do her wounds start to heal immediately? Some explanation would be helpful), an alien light descends from the sky and destroys strikes the entire building. John escapes with (name) just before the hospital collapses. Barely escaping with the woman he hit, John reunites with his father, a man he thought to be dead. (again, more explanation needed. How does John reunite with his father if his dad is dead?)

 

(New paragraph) His father long-lost father visits John to delivers a grave revelation: a race of extradimensional beings imperils all of reality. (same paragraph) The beings are imprisoned in the void between dimensions and they're divided by civil war. Their war threatens to spill into our reality via cracks in the fabric of space and time. Among them, a single entity (describe this entity briefly. Is it omniscient?) plots to widen the cracks and unleash those who want to escape the void. Once free, the extradimensional beings will obliterate anyone who stands in their way. (What is the reason these beings will kill humans? What is their objective? What makes them so powerful?)

 

John struggles to forgive his father for his absence and questions his own place in a conflict older than humanity. That is, until he learns another truth. He, Then John learns that he too, is an extradimensional being, and one of the few who can kill the entity. John must reconcile with his father and help him kill the entity being, but to attack it means certain death. (Why? You've already told us that John is one of the few who can kill it.)

 

The woman he hit also questions her place in a war amid the cosmos. Her memories are gone, and she has no recollection of her identity. (This non-recollection of her identity should be shown at the beginning. Wouldn't John give her a name?). But when her memories resurface, a terrifying realization emerges: she may be the true enemy.

 

RUPTURED SKY is a science-fiction novel complete at 80,000 words. A character-driven story about loss, forgiveness and the importance of family, I believe the blend of sci-fi elements and traditional themes can appeal to broad audiences.

 

<Insert Submission Requirements Here>

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

This is a very good start to an interesting story. I think if you can briefly answer the questions I've raised, you'll have a good basis for revision. All the best!

 

I'd very much appreciate if you'd critique my query for my novel, Love, Cats, and Assassins. My last revision is at the end of the posts. Here is the link:

 

http://agentquerycon...-other-queries/

 

LEEALLAN






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