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My Hook Line for My YA Fantasy


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#1 Lara Rose Lee

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Posted 11 December 2017 - 12:43 AM

Here is my hook, Thank you in advance for the help. :D
 
 
UPDATED VERSION ON POST #11, 1/14/2018

Lara Rose Lee (Author)

 

MY WEBSITE: http://www.lararoselee.com

 

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#2 lnloft

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Posted 11 December 2017 - 05:23 PM

My biggest gripe is that while you've given a decent picture of what the story is about, you haven't told us anything of WHO it is about. I tend toward the thought that it's best to introduce the main character in the hook, so we know who we'll be rooting for through the rest of it. Who's your main character, and what's the inciting incident that drags them into the adventure?

 

P.S. Not relevant to your hook, but my main character is named Lara. Thought you might appreciate it.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#3 Lara Rose Lee

Lara Rose Lee

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    I now have been published on Amazon. The first book I wrote is "A Shadow Lurking" My Guardians Book Series are next to be published! I am also working on another young adult fantasy series I call the "Changing Series"

    It feels great to be published.

Posted 11 December 2017 - 11:19 PM

My biggest gripe is that while you've given a decent picture of what the story is about, you haven't told us anything of WHO it is about. I tend toward the thought that it's best to introduce the main character in the hook, so we know who we'll be rooting for through the rest of it. Who's your main character, and what's the inciting incident that drags them into the adventure?

 

P.S. Not relevant to your hook, but my main character is named Lara. Thought you might appreciate it.

 

lol, That is cool, my daughters call me Lara Croft. My middle is a gamer and loves playing tomb raider. My main character is a female named Rayana and thank you, I will take your advise into consideration and revise it to include Rayana. 


Lara Rose Lee (Author)

 

MY WEBSITE: http://www.lararoselee.com

 

MY BLOG:  https://www.lararoselee.me

 

MY FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/lararoselee

                                                             

MY AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE: https://www.amazon.c...hor/lararoselee

 

 


#4 Nessa

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Posted 12 December 2017 - 11:56 AM

 

Here is my hook, Thank you in advance for the help. :D
 
 
Three different dimensional worlds are in danger of a hostile take over, by an evil King who lives on one of the three worlds.   Like Inloft said, who is the MC?
 
The once reigning peaceful worlds, before the evil king's father died, had thrived in beauty, and now the evil from this king is poisoning the once beautiful world he rules, into darkness.   ​Clunky to read.
 
Each pitch should have the MC + conflict + hook.

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#5 Lara Rose Lee

Lara Rose Lee

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    I now have been published on Amazon. The first book I wrote is "A Shadow Lurking" My Guardians Book Series are next to be published! I am also working on another young adult fantasy series I call the "Changing Series"

    It feels great to be published.

Posted 18 December 2017 - 03:47 PM

New Version on #11


Lara Rose Lee (Author)

 

MY WEBSITE: http://www.lararoselee.com

 

MY BLOG:  https://www.lararoselee.me

 

MY FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/lararoselee

                                                             

MY AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE: https://www.amazon.c...hor/lararoselee

 

 


#6 Niambi

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Posted 19 December 2017 - 07:55 PM

I like the premise of the novel, what I can pull out on my own.  They are both a little long and don't hit the necessary buttons. I have been using a nifty series of questions to see if my own hooks and loglines hit the mark:

 

- Who is your main character?
    - Surface details: just by looking at him/her - occupation, location, descriptors
    - Personality details: wise-cracking? stubborn? macho? resourceful? cunning?
    - What is most essential to the character solving their conflict?
- What do they want?
- Who/what is in their way?  What are they struggling against?
- How do they overcome? What verbs describe the action of the story?

 

- Where does the story take place?
 
Any hook or logline has to hit the first three questions, and more often than not the last two get answered along the way.  
 
* The sub-bullets aren't necessary either, but they add some flavor. *
 
So if we punch your first query in we get this:
 
- Who is your main character: "Rayana"
    - Surface details: just by looking at her: 17, girl
    - Personality details:
    - What is essential to the character solving their conflict: N/A
- What does she want: N/A
- Who/what is in their way?  What are they struggling against: Evil King
- How do they overcome? What verbs describe the action of the story: N/A
- Where does the story take place: Different Dimensional Worlds
 
So it's not bad!  I'd shorten up the first one, then add something more about Rayana and what she wants first.  Then after that, decide whether you want to focus on her world instead of the others, and spice it up a bit with what makes your story unique.

 

[ Rayana, seventeen-year-old ( _____ ) wants ( ______ ) but is the only hope three worlds have to stop an evil king from taking over the inter-dimensional worlds.  ]



#7 Lara Rose Lee

Lara Rose Lee

    "Guardians Gateway" Book Series

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  • Publishing Experience:I used to work for a small town news publication until it went under. Now I focus on writing my stories and getting published.

    I now have been published on Amazon. The first book I wrote is "A Shadow Lurking" My Guardians Book Series are next to be published! I am also working on another young adult fantasy series I call the "Changing Series"

    It feels great to be published.

Posted 20 December 2017 - 01:21 PM

I like the premise of the novel, what I can pull out on my own.  They are both a little long and don't hit the necessary buttons. I have been using a nifty series of questions to see if my own hooks and loglines hit the mark:

 

- Who is your main character?
    - Surface details: just by looking at him/her - occupation, location, descriptors
    - Personality details: wise-cracking? stubborn? macho? resourceful? cunning?
    - What is most essential to the character solving their conflict?
- What do they want?
- Who/what is in their way?  What are they struggling against?
- How do they overcome? What verbs describe the action of the story?

 

- Where does the story take place?
 
Any hook or logline has to hit the first three questions, and more often than not the last two get answered along the way.  
 
* The sub-bullets aren't necessary either, but they add some flavor. *
 
So if we punch your first query in we get this:
 
- Who is your main character: "Rayana"
    - Surface details: just by looking at her: 17, girl
    - Personality details:
    - What is essential to the character solving their conflict: N/A
- What does she want: N/A
- Who/what is in their way?  What are they struggling against: Evil King
- How do they overcome? What verbs describe the action of the story: N/A
- Where does the story take place: Different Dimensional Worlds
 
So it's not bad!  I'd shorten up the first one, then add something more about Rayana and what she wants first.  Then after that, decide whether you want to focus on her world instead of the others, and spice it up a bit with what makes your story unique.

 

[ Rayana, seventeen-year-old ( _____ ) wants ( ______ ) but is the only hope three worlds have to st,op an evil king from taking over the inter-dimensional worlds.  ]

 

Wow, Thanks. This helps me a lot, great advise! 


Lara Rose Lee (Author)

 

MY WEBSITE: http://www.lararoselee.com

 

MY BLOG:  https://www.lararoselee.me

 

MY FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/lararoselee

                                                             

MY AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE: https://www.amazon.c...hor/lararoselee

 

 


#8 mzbritney12

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Posted 21 December 2017 - 01:15 PM

Hi Lara!!!!

Ok, A new try with MC, Conflict, and hopefully a better hook. Let me know okay?? 

 

 

 

Three different dimensional worlds are in danger of a hostile take over by an evil King, who happens to live on one of these three worlds. The hope for these worlds falls on an unexpected seventeen-year-old girl named Rayana.

 

The once reigning worlds of peace, before the evil king's father, died,  thrived in beauty.  Now the evil from the new king is poisoning the once beautiful world, and darkness began to engulf the world,  changing the moods of the people. Rayana with the help of a young man are the only ones who can save the worlds and the people.

 

 

There are some good things here that I think are important and should stay in your hook, or the first/second paragraph of your query. 

These are:

-Three different dimensional worlds are in danger. (The fact that the king lives in one, I don't believe is important)

-It's up to a seventeen year old girl to save it! (I would honestly start here. This is the meat and potatoes of your entire story! "Seventeen-year-old Rayana is the only one who can save three different dimensional worlds from hostile take over by an evil king....")

 

Most importantly, In your hook, you should clearly state why Rayana is the only one who can save these worlds. 

A few questions that may help: what would happen to her if she didn't save the world? How is she connected to these worlds?

 

The only big critique I have for your hook is that there is an over use of descriptive words and commas. Sometimes, because of it, it can make your hook hard to read and understand. 

 

I definitely hope this helps you!

Of course, these are my personal opinions, but should you have any questions, let me know. 

All the best to you in your journey! 


I'm a writer who wants to support other writers. Follow my blog, and I'll follow yours!

Link: http://britneylewisbooks.blogspot.com/


#9 Lara Rose Lee

Lara Rose Lee

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    I now have been published on Amazon. The first book I wrote is "A Shadow Lurking" My Guardians Book Series are next to be published! I am also working on another young adult fantasy series I call the "Changing Series"

    It feels great to be published.

Posted 21 December 2017 - 07:46 PM

 This is the meat and potatoes of your entire story! "Seventeen-year-old Rayana is the only one who can save three different dimensional worlds from hostile take over by an evil king....")

 

 

 

Thank you for great input, mzbritney12  :biggrin:

and I love this idea. "Seventeen-year-old Rayana is the only one who can save three different dimensional worlds from hostile take over by an evil king...."


Lara Rose Lee (Author)

 

MY WEBSITE: http://www.lararoselee.com

 

MY BLOG:  https://www.lararoselee.me

 

MY FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/lararoselee

                                                             

MY AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE: https://www.amazon.c...hor/lararoselee

 

 


#10 mzbritney12

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Posted 22 December 2017 - 08:24 AM

You are so so welcome! 

I'm excited to see how this unfolds. 


I'm a writer who wants to support other writers. Follow my blog, and I'll follow yours!

Link: http://britneylewisbooks.blogspot.com/


#11 Lara Rose Lee

Lara Rose Lee

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    I now have been published on Amazon. The first book I wrote is "A Shadow Lurking" My Guardians Book Series are next to be published! I am also working on another young adult fantasy series I call the "Changing Series"

    It feels great to be published.

Posted 14 January 2018 - 07:07 PM

New Hook, let me know?

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Rayana is essential to the survival of three-dimensional worlds from a hostile take over of an evil king.  

 

Once the worlds reigned in peace, and thrived in beauty, until the day the evil king's father died.  Now his poison from his wicked heart is poisoning the once beautiful world, as darkness began to engulf and changed the moods of the people. Rayana with the help of a young man are the only ones who can save the worlds.


Lara Rose Lee (Author)

 

MY WEBSITE: http://www.lararoselee.com

 

MY BLOG:  https://www.lararoselee.me

 

MY FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/lararoselee

                                                             

MY AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE: https://www.amazon.c...hor/lararoselee

 

 





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