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YA Hook Critique- this is never comfortable

Fiction Young Adult

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#1 JBILES

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Posted 12 December 2017 - 06:47 PM

I'm putting my thick skin on, please help this is for my debut novel. Thanks much.

 

 

Hannah wants nothing more than to hold power in her hands, to feel it’s thundering heartbeat and revel in it’s glory. The only thing that stands between her and that Ambassador Chair, is her father’s retirement; 3 years. But when she leaves her Territory for the first time her family is targeted and murdered. Sending Hannah on a witch hunt burning with revenge. Undead creatures, a thick web of lies, and personal demons feed the darkness that grows inside of her. Will she be the Ambassador the Kingdom so desperately needs or will her caged rage rule?



#2 JBILES

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Posted 12 December 2017 - 07:02 PM

sorry posted this to the wrong forum! whoops...too much coffee for me.



#3 Nessa

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Posted 12 December 2017 - 09:48 PM

I'm putting my thick skin on, please help this is for my debut novel. Thanks much.

 

​Before I get into the critique: it's = it is; its = possessive

 

​Also, what is this pitch for? A Query Manager form? A contest like #SFFpit?

 

Hannah wants nothing more than to hold power in her hands, to feel it’s thundering heartbeat and revel in it’s glory.​ First sentence is vague. I recommend starting w/ concrete details. Abstractness takes up space. The only thing that stands between her and that Ambassador Chair, is her father’s retirement; 3 years​ What do the years have to do with the rest of the pitch?. But when she leaves her Territory for the first time her family is targeted and murdered ​What's a Territory?. Sending Hannah on a witch hunt burning with revenge ​Avoid sentence fragments. Undead creatures, a thick web of lies, and personal demons feed the darkness that grows inside of her. ​Again, avoid fragments. Will she be the Ambassador the Kingdom so desperately needs or will her caged rage rule?

 

​Assuming this is for a Twitter event, I suggest you go through the #PitMad hashtag and look at the pitches that got requests. Take note of how the information is presented. Some are only one or two sentences long, but they still reveal the MC, conflict, and hook.


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#4 mzbritney12

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Posted 28 December 2017 - 12:35 PM

I'm putting my thick skin on, please help this is for my debut novel. Thanks much.

 

 

Hannah wants nothing more than to hold power in her hands, to feel it’s (its) thundering heartbeat and revel in it’s glory. (JBILES, I actually like your first sentence a lot. It was enough to pull me in. I think it could be a bit more concise, but I like the energy within it.) The only thing that stands between her and that Ambassador Chair, (no comma needed here) is her father’s retirement; 3 years. But when she leaves her Territory(Is there a reason territory is capitalized?) for the first time her family is targeted and murdered. Sending Hannah on a witch hunt burning with revenge. (where i've underlined, these two sentences should connect) Undead creatures, a thick web of lies, and personal demons feed the darkness that grows inside of her. Will she be the Ambassador the Kingdom so desperately needs or will her caged rage rule?

Hey!

 

I so enjoyed reading this little paragraph. Where is it that you meant to post it? 

 

The only part of your hook that threw me off was the last two sentences. I think that they blur the lines of your hook and distract the reader at the end. I do believe that your true ending is when Hannah is sent on a witch hunt. 

 

The only other thing I'm wondering (and maybe this is something you could add) but how is Hannah connected to this world? How old is she, and is she still planning on taking over the throne after her family's death? 

 

Good luck with everything! 

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