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#61 alibi174

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 10:48 AM

Callie wants to be invisible. And thanks to her subconscious ability to erase memories, she almost is.

Life on the streets is lonely for a seventeen-year-old, but Callie’s learned to appreciate the solitude. The less she’s noticed, the easier survival becomes. However, her social isolation ends when she's approached by a group of strangers who claim there's more to her peculiar life than meets the eye ["than meets the eye" is a bit cliche and doesn't evoke any images]. They say she's a Reaper--a person capable of manipulating focus and memory--and offer to help her reach her full potential.

Under their guidance, Callie progresses from subconsciously making people ignore her, to actively altering memories with a single stare. But her new friends, each with a psychological specialityspecialty of their own, have trained her for another reason--a rebel crusade against a mysterious empire capable of rescinding their powers [this sentence is a bit long. Consider splitting them up into 2 sentences (with the part about them being able to rescind their powers in the second sentence]. Upon locating the enemy, Callie is shocked to find her own kind--Reapers--along with an offer to join them. The empire is convinced that suppression is the only way to keep the peace, else the rebels will exploit and overthrow the powerless. But Callie's friends are done with being oppressed, and await her intel, ready to initiate their uprising.
Obtain

 

Knowing the plans [stronger word here?] of both sides, Callie's undecided loyalty becomes a catalyst for chaos—joining the empire will mean betraying her only friends, siding with the rebels could massacre her Reaper kin, and retreating to solitude will leave an entire city in the crossfire of an imminent war.

18FORGOTTEN is a YA fantasy complete at 95,000 words. Comps, bio, etc.

 

 

 

I would greatly appreciate any feedback you can provide on my new version of my query for BISECTER

If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#62 ThatDan

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 01:38 PM

Thanks to all!

It seems a strange formatting error combined the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs into one, linked by an extraneous "Obtain" (my, oh my, this site can be quirky sometimes). Wondering if this is why a number of people said the 2nd paragraph was bulky and confusing. Either way, I do agree that some sentences could be cut into two. Working on it today, and will return feedback.

 

 

 

Something I noticed on this latest round (and it might be that I'm misunderstanding), but you say that if Callie sides with the rebels, they could massacre their Reaper kin... but aren't the rebels also Reaper? So either way, will Reapers be killed? I may just be misunderstanding, in which case, ignore me.

 

 

I think this is how a few people have interpreted it, but they seem to glance over the paradox you mention.

So, the world is comprised of the powerless, and the "Realized" (people with psych power). The Realized are then further divided based on what their power is. MC and the empire are all Reapers (power to manipulate focus and memory), while the rebels are all the other kinds of Realized (other powers; manipulate thoughts, sense thoughts, manipulate knowledge, manipulate healing, sense emotion, etc, etc). 

In an earlier version, I'd tried to clarify this, but it just brought in "Realized" as a confusing proper noun, and created more questions than answers.

Currently just trying to find a way to specify that the rebels are not Reapers, without adding too much confusion.


I'm no professional. Take my critiques merely as suggestions.

No active query atm.


#63 PureZhar3

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 04:48 PM

In response to post #62:

 

I read your new version, and I think you do a great job of making this clear in it. The paradox isn't so startlingly obvious that it would stand out much, I don't think, so if you end up reverting to V12.5, it might not be a big deal. I liked the newer version overall.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#64 Wayfarer

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Posted 24 January 2018 - 02:23 PM

Version 13: Made some bigger changes, but maybe version 12.5 (below) was better?

 

Callie wants to be invisible. And thanks to her subconscious ability to erase memories, she almost is.

Life on the streets is lonely for a seventeen-year-old, but Callie’s learned to appreciate the solitude. The less she’s noticed, the easier survival becomes. However, her social isolation ends when she's approached by a group of strangers who claim she's a Reaper—a person able to manipulate focus and memory. If she can master her power, she’ll be capable of far more than merely surviving.

Under the guidance of the strangers, Callie progresses from subconsciously making people ignore her, to actively altering memories with a single stare. Although her mentors also have unique psychological skills, they aren’t Reapers, nor are they as powerful. In fact, for decades they’ve been oppressed by a mysterious empire which threatens to rescind their powers.

 

Joining the rebel crusade to help liberate her new friends, Callie locates the enemy, and is shocked to find her own kind—Reapers. The empire is convinced that suppression is the only way to keep the peace, else the rebels will exploit and overthrow the powerless. But Callie's friends are done with being oppressed, and await her intel, ready to initiate their uprising.

Uncovering the drastic strategies of both sides, Callie's undecided loyalty becomes a catalyst for chaos—joining the empire will mean betraying her only friends, siding with the rebels could massacre her Reaper kin, and retreating to solitude will leave an entire city in the crossfire of an imminent war.

This reads incredibly well. I only had one instance of confusion and that was what I bolded above. Are the powerless just normal civilians, as in not Reapers or Callie's friends? If so, it's not super clear from that phrasing. Other than that, I have nothing to ammend with this, and would say it's at a point that it can be distributed to Agents.






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