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THE CROWN BETRAYERS - YA Fantasy/SciFi Will Return Critiques


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#1 ymchen

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Posted 16 December 2017 - 06:56 AM

I tried my hands at an official synopsis, and as I'm pretty new at this, I was hoping to have it critiqued so I can improve. :) 

 

Thanks in advance for your help -- I will gladly pay it forward and return critiques!

 

 

THE SYNOPSIS;;

 

 

 

In the Empire, a futuristic society where humans and magicians live under a monarchy, a young girl named NYSSA JAIR struggles to pay off her contract with VICTOR LEX, a ruthless crime lord. As a magician with the gift of healing, all she wants is to help the truly downtrodden instead of his thugs.

 

One night, a desperate ex-Empire researcher named SILAS MAGNATUM arrives at Lex’s. He needs to disappear, and Lex is the only one who can help him do that. Offering Lex the opportunity to have what he always wanted, a device that can separate a magician’s energy from its host for others to wield, Silas proposes a heist into the Empire’s palace to retrieve it. The same night, Nyssa learns that Silas is a fugitive with a million-dollar bounty on his head. When she tries to claim the reward, Lex undermines her by claiming it first. Not only does Lex sets the Empire soldiers on him, he also reneges Silas’s proposal. Unwilling to let the bounty slip away, Nyssa helps Silas escape by commandeering a rental jet, biding her time to bring him in herself.

 

On their way to Silas’s old friend, who could help them vanish, they get caught in a firefight and their jet crashes. Nyssa loses consciousness, but when she wakes up next, she realizes Silas has saved her and transported her safely, into his friend’s homestead. She learns that Silas needs her as an accomplice for the heist, and Nyssa agrees to help him because it is far easier to betray him in the Empire’s capital away from Lex’s reach. They carry forward the heist during the busiest winter celebration in the Empire and infiltrate the palace, disguised as delegates.

 

When they reach an abandoned laboratory holding the device, Nyssa rounds on Silas and attempts to bring him in. A magical fight ensues and their activity alerts nearby guards. Silas flees, Nyssa chases after him, and on their way out of the Palace, they run into Silas’s father, a council lord. In a standoff with the guards, instead of capturing Silas for the bounty, he’s taken hostage and Nyssa and Silas’s father are attacked. She recognizes a face within the guards’ ranks as one of Lex’s operatives. As Silas is dragged away, he tosses her the Enigma, pleading for her to seek the commander’s help.

 

Nyssa works with the commander to understand the extent of the guards’ betrayals. Lex surprises them by confirming their worst fears: he has Silas, and he'd return him in exchange for the bounty – and Nyssa herself. The council agrees, although Nyssa balks. As she discovers inconsistencies between the Empire’s version of Silas’s crimes, his father’s opinion of his son, and her own opinion of him, she asks to speak with Silas privately first. She will only accept the trade only after they talk.

 

The parties agree, so Silas confides in Nyssa that Lex holds a dangerous secret over Silas, one that if announced, can discredit not only his research with the device, but also the monarch’s reign. The Empire will fall into a political rut and the research will be transferred to a corrupt councilman in league with Lex. The device will then be used to destroy innocent lives, and Lex will benefit from the corruption and chaos and grow even more powerful.

 

Trusting Silas, Nyssa decides to put her own plans into motion. On the night of the trade, she prepares to free Silas and help herself escape. But when Lex arrives himself instead of his men, she is unprepared. However with Silas’s help, the two of them manage to disarm Lex and Nyssa delivers the killing blow, ending Lex’s life. With Lex gone, the fear over Nyssa’s life is over. There is no contract left for her to pay out, so she decides to forgo the bounty and let Silas walk free. 



#2 Nessa

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Posted 16 December 2017 - 12:34 PM

I tried my hands at an official synopsis, and as I'm pretty new at this, I was hoping to have it critiqued so I can improve. :) 

 

Thanks in advance for your help -- I will gladly pay it forward and return critiques!

 

 

THE SYNOPSIS;;

 

​Rough edits/suggestions in green. :)

 

In the Empire, a futuristic society where humans and magicians live under a monarchy, a young girl named [age]-year-old NYSSA JAIR struggles to pay off her contract with VICTOR LEX, a ruthless crime lord. As a magician with the gift of healing, all she wants is to help the truly downtrodden instead of his thugs.

 

One night, a desperate ex-Empire researcher named SILAS MAGNATUM arrives at Lex’s. He needs to disappear, and Lex is the only one who can help him do that. Offering Lex the opportunity to have what he always wanted, claim a device that can harvest separate a magician’s energy from its host for and plant it in others to wield, Silas proposes a heist into the Empire’s palace to retrieve it. The same night, Nyssa learns that Silas is a fugitive with a million-dollar bounty on his head. When she tries to claim the reward, Lex undermines her by claiming it first. ​[She captures Silas and turns him in?] Not only does Lex betrays Silas and turns sets the Empire soldiers on him, then he also reneges Silas’s proposal. Unwilling to let the bounty slip away, Nyssa helps Silas escape by commandeering a rental jet, biding her time to bring him in herself. ​[She lets him go, then plans to bring him back in? I'm getting lost.]

 

On their way to Silas’s old friend, who could help them vanish ​[Replace this w/ something more concrete. "...old friend, a skilled thief/whatever who can make them vanish."], they get caught in a firefight and crash their jet crashes. Nyssa loses consciousness., but wWhen she wakes up next, she realizes Silas has saved her and by transporting transported her safely, into his friend’s homestead. She learns that Silas needs her as an accomplice for the heist, and Nyssa agrees to help him because it is far easier to betray him in the Empire’s capital away from Lex’s reach​[I'm still confused, but that can be fixed in the above paragraph.]. They commit carry forward the heist during a busy the busiest winter celebration in the Empire and infiltrate the palace, disguised as delegates.

 

When they reach the an abandoned laboratory holding the device, Nyssa turns rounds on Silas and attempts to bring him in. They fight, and the commotion A magical fight ensues and their activity alerts nearby guards. Silas flees, and Nyssa takes chase. chases after him, and on their way out of the Palace, tThey run into Silas’s father, a council lord. In a standoff with the guards, instead of capturing Silas for the bounty, he’s is taken hostage, and Nyssa and Silas’s father are attacked ​by guards. She recognizes a guard face within the guards’ ranks as one of Lex’s operatives. As Silas is dragged away, he tosses her the Enigma, pleading for her to seek the commander’s help.

 

Nyssa works with the commander to understand the extent of the guards’ betrayals. Lex surprises them by confirming confirms their worst fears: he has Silas, and he'd will return him in exchange for the bounty – and Nyssa herself. The council agrees, although but Nyssa balks. As she discovers inconsistencies between the Empire’s version of Silas’s crimes, his father’s opinion of his son, and her own opinion of him, she asks to speak with Silas privately first. She will only accept the trade only after they talk.

 

The parties agree, so Silas confides in Nyssa that Lex holds a dangerous secret over Silas, one that if announced,. It can discredits not only his research with about the device, but also the monarch’s reign. The Empire will fall into a political rut and the research will be transferred to a corrupt councilman in league with Lex. The device will then be used to destroy innocent lives ​[Mention that this is the device from earlier. It can pass as another one.], and Lex will benefit from the corruption and chaos and grow even more powerful. ​[We know what the device is, so make the consequences more concrete. Lex will strip magicians of their magic and infuse himself with power, making himself nearly invincible. Right? That's what I'm getting.]

 

Trusting Silas ​[Why? Seems like a sudden turn.], Nyssa decides to put her own plans into motion. On the night of the trade, she prepares to free Silas and help herself escape. But when Lex arrives himself instead of his men, she is unprepared. However with Silas’s help, she the two of them manage to disarms Lex. and Nyssa kills Lex delivers the killing blow, ending Lex’s life. With Lex gone, the fear over Nyssa’s life is over. There is no contract left for her to pay out, so she decides to forgo the bounty and let Silas walk free. 


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#3 ThatDan

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Posted 16 December 2017 - 05:09 PM

I tried my hands at an official synopsis, and as I'm pretty new at this, I was hoping to have it critiqued so I can improve. :) 

 

Thanks in advance for your help -- I will gladly pay it forward and return critiques!

 

absolutely love the setting and plot of your story.

my two main suggestions though: 1- see if you can simplify the alliances and betrayals towards the end of the synopsis.I found it quite difficult to stay on top of who was on who's side. 2- maybe build Silas's character a bit more. We know Nyssa wants to help people and is stuck helping the wrong people. We get a good sense of her character and goals, but Silas seems underdeveloped in the synopsis. Unless he's not that important, but it feels like he is.

 

 

THE SYNOPSIS;;

 

 

 

In the Empire, a futuristic society where humans and magicians live under a monarchy, young magician named <you can always word it better and reduce word count by simply introducing the character, rather than saying they are named... NYSSA JAIR struggles to pay off her contract with VICTOR LEX, a ruthless crime lord. As a magician with the gift of healing, all she wants is to help the truly downtrodden instead of his thugs.

 

One night,desperate ex-Empire researcher named SILAS MAGNATUM arrives at Lex’s. He needs to disappear, and Lex is the only one who can help him do that. Offering Lex the opportunity to have what he always wanted, a device that can separate a magician’s energy from its host for others to wield, Silas proposes a heist into the Empire’s palace to retrieve it. The same night, Nyssa learns that Silas is a fugitive with a million-dollar bounty on his head. When she tries to claim the reward, Lex undermines her by claiming it first. Not only does Lex sets the Empire soldiers on him, he also reneges Silas’s proposal. Unwilling to let the bounty slip away, Nyssa add "secretly", since it seems she betraying Lex, yet he never seeks revenge for her betrayal helps Silas escape by commandeering a rental jet, biding her time to bring him in herself.

 

On their way to Silas’s old friend, who could help them vanish, they get caught in a firefight and their jet crashes. Nyssa loses consciousness, but when she wakes up next, she realizes Silas has saved her and transported her safely, into his friend’s homestead. She learns that Silas needs her as an accomplice for the heist why does he still need to do the heist? Is he going that he can get Lex to accept his trade again? It didn't work the first time round., and Nyssa agrees to help him because it is far easier to betray him in the Empire’s capital away from Lex’s reach. They carry forward the heist during the busiest winter celebration in the Empire and infiltrate the palace, disguised as delegates.

 

When they reach an abandoned laboratory holding the device, Nyssa rounds on Silas and attempts to bring him in. A magical fight ensues and their activity alerts nearby guards. Silas flees, Nyssa chases after him, and on their way out of the Palace, they run into Silas’s father, a council lord. In a standoff with the guards, instead of capturing Silas for the bounty, he’s taken hostage and Nyssa and Silas’s father are attacked.<this sentence is a mess! :o She recognizes a face within the guards’ ranks as one of Lex’s operatives. As Silas is dragged away, he tosses her the Enigma <I'm assuming this is the name for the device they're stealing? WE haven't been introduced to it as enigma yet. Maybe add it's name much earlier, pleading for her to seek the commander’s help.<commander of the empire?

 

Nyssa works with the commander to understand the extent of Lex's infiltration of the empire the guards’ betrayals . Lex surprises them by confirming their worst fears: he has Silas, and he'd return him in exchange for the bounty <still not sure why he wants the bounty if the weapon is what he's after– and Nyssa herself<has Lex now uncovered her betrayal?. The council agrees, although Nyssa balks. As she discovers inconsistencies between the Empire’s version of Silas’s crimes, his father’s opinion of his son, and her own opinion of him, she asks to speak with Silas privately first. She will only accept the trade only after they talk.<if they're handing her over, why does she get a say in the matter?

 

The parties agree, so Silas confides in Nyssa that Lex holds a dangerous secret over Silas, one that if announced, can discredit not only his research with the device, but also the monarch’s reign. The Empire will fall into a political rut and the research will be transferred to a corrupt councilman in league with Lex. The device will then be used to destroy innocent lives, and Lex will benefit from the corruption and chaos and grow even more powerful. <so why doesn't Lex announce this secret already and get the weapon? Why is he wasting time with Silas and the bounty?

 

Trusting Silas, Nyssa decides to put her own plans into motion. On the night of the trade, she prepares to free Silas and help herself escape. But when Lex arrives himself instead of his men, she is unprepared. However with Silas’s help, the two of them manage to disarm Lex and Nyssa delivers the killing blow, ending Lex’s life. With Lex gone, the fear over Nyssa’s life is over. There is no contract left for her to pay out, so she decides to forego the bounty and let Silas walk free.

 

Great work.i echo most of the above suggestions, but this is a very solid synopsis. Could definitely use some more clarity and simplifying in areas, but it was good enough to hold my interest.


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#4 Hillthrill

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Posted 21 December 2017 - 05:11 PM

Held my attention to the end, while getting rather complicated towards the middle I feel that you kept it focused by always bringing it back to the main three characters and not over-naming. Is there a newer version?



#5 LEEALLAN

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Posted 26 December 2017 - 01:58 PM

Hi ymchen,

 

I think you've got a great story here. I agree with the critiques that others have given you. Although I am new to this synopsis game as well, here are some of my suggestions.

 

Is the protagonist NYSSA JAIR? Since SILAS MAGNATUM also is prominent, it is not completely clear as we read the synopsis.

I think that as soon as you mention the device, you should call it by its name, the Enigma.

Is their any romantic involvement between the two? If so you should mention it.

What is the goal of the protagonist? In the first paragraph you mention it as being to help the downtrodden, but she never pursues this goal.

 

In the Empire, a futuristic society where humans and magicians live under a monarchy, a young girl named NYSSA JAIR struggles to pay off her contract [how much is it worth? What is the contract? What special skill does she have that she uses with her contract?] with VICTOR LEX, a ruthless crime lord. As a magician with the gift of healing, all she wants is to help the truly downtrodden [Be specific. She wants to help sick people? Can she heal all illnesses or just certain ones?]  instead of his thugs. [Why don't you talk about this gift of healing later on? Is it used during the story?]

 

One night, a desperate ex-Empire researcher named SILAS MAGNATUM arrives at Lex’s. He needs to disappear [Why? What has he done?] , and Lex is the only one who can help him do that. Offering Lex the opportunity to have what he always wanted, the Enigma,a device that can separate a magician’s energy from its host for others to wield, Silas proposes a heist into the Empire’s palace to retrieve it. [What special powers does Silas have that make him the only one who can help Lex?] The same night, Nyssa learns that Silas is a fugitive with a million-dollar bounty on his head. When she tries to claim the reward, Lex undermines her by claiming it first. Not only does Lex sets the Empire soldiers on him, he also reneges Silas’s proposal. Unwilling to let the bounty slip away, Nyssa helps Silas escape by commandeering a rental jet, biding her time to bring him in herself.

 

On their way to Silas’s old friend, who could help them vanish [Reword this phrase, it sounds awkward] , they get caught in a firefight and their jet crashes. Nyssa loses consciousness, but when she wakes up next, she realizes Silas has saved her and transported her safely, into at his friend’s homestead. She learns that Silas needs her as an accomplice for the heist [Why?], and Nyssa agrees to help him because it is far easier to betray him in the Empire’s capital away from Lex’s reach. They carry forward the heist during the busiest winter celebration in the Empire and infiltrate the palace, disguised as delegates.

 

When they reach an abandoned laboratory holding the device, Nyssa rounds turns on Silas and attempts to bring him in. A magical fight ensues and their activity alerts nearby guards. Silas flees, Nyssa chases after him, and on their way out of the Palace, they run into Silas’s father, a council lord. In a standoff with the guards, instead of capturing Silas for the bounty, he’s Silas is taken hostage and Nyssa and Silas’s father are attacked [this phrase needs rewording]. She recognizes a face within the guards’ ranks as one of Lex’s operatives. As Silas is dragged away, he tosses her the Enigma, pleading for her to seek the commander’s help.

 

Nyssa works with the commander to understand the extent of the guards’ betrayals. Lex surprises them by confirming their worst fears: he has Silas, and he'd return him in exchange for the bounty [What about the Enigma? Who ends up with it? It does seem important to the story] – and Nyssa herself. The council agrees, although Nyssa balks. As she discovers inconsistencies between the Empire’s version of Silas’s crimes, his father’s opinion of his son, and her own opinion of him, she asks to speak with Silas privately first. She will only accept the trade only after they talk.

 

The parties agree, so Silas confides in Nyssa that Lex holds a dangerous secret [What is this secret?] over Silas, one that if announced, can discredit not only his research with the device, but also the monarch’s reign. The Empire will fall into a political rut ruin and the research will be transferred to a corrupt councilman in league with Lex. The device will then be used to destroy innocent lives, and Lex will benefit from the corruption and chaos and grow even more powerful.

 

Trusting Silas, Nyssa decides to put her own plans into motion. On the night of the trade, she prepares to free Silas and help herself escape. But when Lex arrives himself instead of his men, she is unprepared. However with Silas’s help, the two of them manage to disarm Lex and Nyssa delivers the killing blow, ending Lex’s life. With Lex gone, the fear over Nyssa’s life is over. There is no contract left for her to pay out, so she decides to forgo the bounty and let Silas walk free. [This last paragraph seems weak. How does this achieve her goal of helping the downtrodden?]

 

 

I hope these comments are helpful. You've got a good story here. I think you need to focus on the essential elements and not get caught up a whole lot of detail. I would be very grateful if you would critique my synopsis, for my novel Love, Cats, and Assassins. Here is the link:

 

http://agentquerycon...turn-critiques/






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