After reading the websites “How to Write a Query Letter” and through your advice I found I truly didn’t know what it took to write a query. Below is my second attempt keeping to the guidelines and word count of 350. Please help with the content? Thank you! :
Kadan is gripped by the unquenchable thirst for vengeance after
when the Shadow clan ninjas -- long believed extinct-- attack him, leaving him for dead, as they look for retribution against his adoptive father, Takeo, who betrayed them nearly twenty years ago.
This hook has too much going on. Your hook needs to be snappy and easy to understand.
Kadan’s near death, Takeo is dead by Zaiaku Punishment, Was is Zaiaku Punishment? and all seems lost when he is rescued by Nyx, the mysterious leader of the Yokai, an elite group of cutthroat ninjas from the Kage clan equipped with state-of-the-art suits. Too many names and new terms. Kadan discovers Takeo used to lead the Shadow clan along with his biological? father, Ryuu, and brother Torlan, until he sequestered Kadan away from a human engineering experiment sanctioned by the American government twenty years ago, the cause for the strife between the Kage and Shadow clan. Oh, this is very complicated with more names!
When Torlan discovers Kadan is alive and is the sole survivor of the long-dead experiment, he will stop at nothing to get his hands on him. After a disastrous meeting with Torlan that nearly kills Kadan, he realizes that Takeo’s pacifist ideals What pacifist ideals? This is the first time we hear of them. have limited his training. While he’s an expert in the teachings of the Core, The Core? Kadan must learn the darker aspects of ninjutsu What is ninjutsu? and become an expert in the Void. What is the Void? Kadan soon finds that on his journey for vengeance, he must overcome the mistrust of the Kage clan, a rivalry among the Yokai that will threaten the team, the death of a close friend, and a spy that will bring the clan to the brink of destruction. Despite having enhanced senses, superior strength, and the ability of invisibility, Kadan fears it may not be enough to defeat Torlan. He will have to decide if vengeance is worth losing himself to the darker nature of the Void.
FINDING THE VOID is a
n approximately 120,000-word (they know this is an approximation) action novel set in modern New England. It will appeal to fans of the Night Angel trilogy and Sigma Force series. Italicize other titles. I have written for the Gordon College Newspaper. I graduated with a bachelor in Biology, and I hold the rank of 9th Kyu in Bujinkan. What is a 9th Kyu in Buijinkan? Thank you for your time and consideration
The biggest problem with your query is that is has too many names, terms, complexity. Your query needs to be simple; you should have a maximum of 3 named characters. You need to minimize the use of specialized terms.
You should rewrite your query focusing on these questions:
1. Who is your MC?
2. What does he want/need?
3. What obstacles prevent him from getting what he wants/needs?
4. What will happen if he fails?
Make your query very simple, cut out all the extraneous information. Another point is that 120K words is very long -- you will get a lot of auto-rejections just from the length. I would recommend you try to cut down the final count if you can.
But in the meantime, because your book is so long, it is especially important to make your query short and concise -- you need to convince the agents that your book is also concise, and you do that by giving them a very concise query. Query writing is super hard, especially when you're used to writing books. Don't be discouraged, just keep working at it. Good luck!