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The Witch and the Whispers

Paranormal Romance Historical

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#1 Andrea Roche

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Posted 21 December 2017 - 12:12 AM

       If someone wants to give their thoughts I'd appreciate it. 

I have looked over a few 250's here and I have to say, I am quite impressed.

Thank you for reading!

       

  Sometime around 3 am, the ship’s bell rang in alarm. Feet scurried up the narrow stair to the promenade. Shouts rang out from the main deck above her. Whoever is ringing that bell better have a good damn reason to, she thought even before she opened her eyes.

The high-pitched vibrato seeped into her very bones. Waking from a restless sleep, she brushed her sweat-soaked, tangled hair off her face. Outside her door crewmen shouted, their words a garbled mess.

Arose Du Mouchelle pulled on her velvet robe and knotted the silk tie high over her burgeoning belly. She slipped out the warm Captain’s chamber into a thick as mud fog, her bare feet slapping the icy deck.

The crewmen pointed toward a dense plume. Their shouts absorbed by the sea and fog, drowning any sense they may have been making. She sniffed the salty air. A smoky tinge hit her tongue; the flavor of seared wood added to the murky taste of the mist. Her blue-green eyes scanned the distance. A young man standing next to her poked her with a periscope.

She gave a quick murmur of thanks and put the simple brass tube up to her eye. She adjusted the line of sight until a hulking shadow came into view. A red glow followed while billows of thick black smoke cloaked the stern. 

    Then crippled and floating without a heading the bow of a ship poked through a clearing. The name embossed on her side – “The Golden Eagle.” 


Andrea Roche

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#2 mzbritney12

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Posted 21 December 2017 - 12:52 PM

 

       If someone wants to give their thoughts I'd appreciate it. 

 

I have looked over a few 250's here and I have to say, I am quite impressed.

Thank you for reading!

       

 

 

  Sometime around 3 am, the ship’s bell rang in alarm. (I like the first sentence a lot. It's clean, cut, and concise. Honestly, the only thing I would recommend is spelling out the number three. But that's also just a personal preference.)Feet scurried up the narrow stair to the promenade. Shouts rang out from the main deck above her. Whoever is ringing that bell better have a good damn reason to, she thought even before she opened her eyes.

 

The high-pitched vibrato seeped into her very bones. Waking from a restless sleep, she brushed her sweat-soaked, tangled hair off her face. Outside her door crewmen shouted, their words a garbled mess.

 

Arose Du Mouchelle pulled on her velvet robe and knotted the silk tie high over her burgeoning belly. She slipped out the warm Captain’s chamber into a thick as mud fog, her bare feet slapping the icy deck. (Lots of showing here, I like it!)

 

The crewmen pointed toward a dense plume. Their shouts absorbed by the sea and fog, drowning any sense they may have been making. She sniffed the salty air. A smoky tinge hit her tongue; the flavor of seared wood added to the murky taste of the mist. Her blue-green eyes scanned the distance. A young man standing next to her poked her with a periscope.

 

She gave a quick murmur of thanks and put the simple brass tube up to her eye. She adjusted the line of sight until a hulking shadow came into view. A red glow followed while billows of thick black smoke cloaked the stern. 

 

    Then crippled and floating without a heading the bow of a ship poked through a clearing. (This last sentence (<--) was a bit confusing to read.) The name embossed on her side – “The Golden Eagle.” 

 

 

 

Hiya!
I didn't have too many negative comments. I honestly liked the first 250 here. It was insightful, it clearly showed your MC's voice, and it started with height.

Of course, everyone will have a different opinion here. 

The only sentence that threw me off was the second to last one. I could make out what you were trying to say (a boat was coming, or was next to the ship?) but there were so many adjectives there that it made it hard to understand. 

I hope this helps!
Good luck with everything! 


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#3 Springfield

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Posted 27 December 2017 - 03:28 PM

 

       If someone wants to give their thoughts I'd appreciate it. 

 

I have looked over a few 250's here and I have to say, I am quite impressed.

Thank you for reading!

       

 

 

  Sometime around 3 am, the ship’s bell rang in alarm. Feet scurried up the narrow stair to the promenade. Shouts rang out from the main deck above her. Whoever is ringing that bell better have a good damn reason to, she thought even before she opened her eyes.

 

The high-pitched vibrato seeped into her very bones. Waking from a restless sleep, she brushed her sweat-soaked, tangled hair off her face. Outside her door crewmen shouted, their words a garbled mess.

 

Arose Du Mouchelle pulled on her velvet robe and knotted the silk tie high over her burgeoning belly. She slipped out the warm Captain’s chamber into a thick as mud fog, her bare feet slapping the icy deck.

 

The crewmen pointed toward a dense plume. Their shouts absorbed by the sea and fog, drowning any sense they may have been making. She sniffed the salty air. A smoky tinge hit her tongue; the flavor of seared wood added to the murky taste of the mist. Her blue-green eyes scanned the distance. A young man standing next to her poked her with a periscope.

 

She gave a quick murmur of thanks and put the simple brass tube up to her eye. She adjusted the line of sight until a hulking shadow came into view. A red glow followed while billows of thick black smoke cloaked the stern. 

 

    Then crippled and floating without a heading the bow of a ship poked through a clearing. The name embossed on her side – “The Golden Eagle.” 

 

 

I'd suggest you scrap this and go another way. 

 

First, it's a waking-up opening, with an unnamed protag, no less, so why stack the deck against yourself that hard? Second, it's totally confusing the way it's written. You have the unnamed protag, unclear antecedents which personalize the ship, the bell; it's a grammatical morass. Finally, I can't actually find anything happening. It's just 250 but it's just, I think, saying there's a woman on one ship and there's another ship someplace. This doesn't give any info.



#4 Timejockey

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Posted 27 December 2017 - 08:41 PM

 

 

 

  Sometime around 3 am, the ship’s bell rang in alarm. Feet scurried up the narrow stair to the promenade. Shouts rang out from the main deck above her. Whoever is ringing that bell better have a good damn reason to, she thought even before she opened her eyes.

 

The high-pitched vibrato seeped into her very bones. Waking from a restless sleep, she brushed her sweat-soaked, tangled hair off her face. Outside her door crewmen shouted, their words a garbled mess.

 

Arose Du Mouchelle pulled on her velvet robe and knotted the silk tie high over her burgeoning belly. She slipped out the warm Captain’s chamber into a thick as mud fog, her bare feet slapping the icy deck.

 

The crewmen pointed toward a dense plume. Their shouts absorbed by the sea and fog, drowning any sense they may have been making. She sniffed the salty air. A smoky tinge hit her tongue; the flavor of seared wood added to the murky taste of the mist. Her blue-green eyes scanned the distance. A young man standing next to her poked her with a periscope. (spyglass? Telescope?)

 

She gave a quick murmur of thanks and put the simple brass tube up to her eye. She adjusted the line of sight until a hulking shadow came into view. A red glow followed while billows of thick black smoke cloaked the stern. 

 

    Then crippled and floating, without a heading, the bow of a ship poked through a clearing. The name embossed on her side – “The Golden Eagle.” 

 

 

The short and sentences and paragraphs make it feel a bit choppy to me. There seems to be a lot going on quickly, and maybe you are trying to capture the tense confusion of someone waking up to chaos, but it reads a bit confusing. And while you do follow things from the MC point of view, all the different crewmen and people doesn't help the choppiness. I was also unsure if her name is Arose or if you were describing action. I also added some commas in the last sentence to see if it helped because it doesn't seem clear.

The descriptions are very vivid and there is a good underlying tension, but I think it needs some restructuring for that to really shine. Hope this helps!



#5 EmperorOfTheNorth

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Posted 01 January 2018 - 10:08 PM

If someone wants to give their thoughts I'd appreciate it. 
I have looked over a few 250's here and I have to say, I am quite impressed.
Thank you for reading!
       

  Sometime around 3 am, the ship’s bell rang in alarm. Feet scurried up the narrow stair to the promenade. Shouts rang out from the main deck above her. Whoever is ringing that bell better have a good damn reason to, she thought even before she opened her eyes.
The high-pitched vibrato seeped into her very bones. Waking from a restless sleep, she brushed her sweat-soaked, tangled hair off her face. Outside her door crewmen shouted, their words a garbled mess.
Arose Du Mouchelle pulled on her velvet robe and knotted the silk tie high over her burgeoning belly. She slipped out the warm Captain’s chamber into a thick as mud fog, her bare feet slapping the icy deck.
The crewmen pointed toward a dense plume. Their shouts absorbed by the sea and fog, drowning any sense they may have been making. She sniffed the salty air. A smoky tinge hit her tongue; the flavor of seared wood added to the murky taste of the mist. Her blue-green eyes scanned the distance. A young man standing next to her poked her with a periscope.
She gave a quick murmur of thanks and put the simple brass tube up to her eye. She adjusted the line of sight until a hulking shadow came into view. A red glow followed while billows of thick black smoke cloaked the stern. 
    Then crippled and floating without a heading the bow of a ship poked through a clearing. The name embossed on her side – “The Golden Eagle.”


You capture chaos admirably. This is quite chaotic. It is also hard to follow.

Two things I didn't care for. Damned good reason to. Lose the "to" whoever is ringing that bell best have a damned good reason.

Second Thick as mud fog. It doesn't work for me. Saying Thick Fog or Dense Fog seems enough.

I do like this though as far as writing style.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.





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