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My hook for my YA Fantasy novel


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#1 sereneew

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Posted 22 December 2017 - 11:42 PM

HI There!  I would really appreciate any help with my hook... I'm new to the whole query thing so bare with me, since I will make many mistakes! 

 

Thank you in advance (: 

 

Hook:

 

It's a crime to have superpowers in New York City since the streets were filled with Black Death--- only feeds on the soul of powerful people--- and his men. The superheroes were extinct--- until one night a girl discovers her superpowers. 

 

You can find the query to this on: http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38246-burning-souls-ya-fantasy/


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#2 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 07:22 AM

 

It's a crime to have superpowers in New York City since the streets were filled with Black Death--- only feeds on the soul of powerful people--- and his men. The superheroes were extinct--- until one night a girl discovers her superpowers. 

 

Skip the confusing dashes and the teeny info dump they hold ("only feeds on the..."). Not important (for the sake of a quick pitch) that it's a crime. I suggest starting with the Black Death (is it a person? can you clarify concisely?), something like: "The Black Death extinguished [don't actually use this verb lol] all the superheroes in New York City. Until one night a girl discovers HER SPECIFIC SUPERPOWER." Be concise but detailed, and give some more details to intrigue us. What superpower does she have? If it's more than one, pick the most prominent/interesting one. 

 

Also what are the girls' stakes? Tell us about the danger she's now about to face.

 

Good luck!



#3 sereneew

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 09:32 PM

 

 

It's a crime to have superpowers in New York City since the streets were filled with Black Death--- only feeds on the soul of powerful people--- and his men. The superheroes were extinct--- until one night a girl discovers her superpowers. 

 

Skip the confusing dashes and the teeny info dump they hold ("only feeds on the..."). Not important (for the sake of a quick pitch) that it's a crime. I suggest starting with the Black Death (is it a person? can you clarify concisely?), something like: "The Black Death extinguished [don't actually use this verb lol] all the superheroes in New York City. Until one night a girl discovers HER SPECIFIC SUPERPOWER." Be concise but detailed, and give some more details to intrigue us. What superpower does she have? If it's more than one, pick the most prominent/interesting one. 

 

Also what are the girls' stakes? Tell us about the danger she's now about to face.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks for your feedback. So I have a completely different hook and approach for my query now. 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#4 sereneew

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Posted 17 January 2018 - 08:24 PM

My hook so far... 

 

1. 17yo Norvina must stop a super-villain's plan to rule the world or her city and everyone will transform into bloodthirsty villains.

 

2. NYC has one law: all humans with powers will die. Which is bad for 17yo Norvina who got them in a big way.

 

2. 17yo Norvina must become a kick-ass villain to save her city from the hands of Black Death and his bloodthirsty men. 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#5 galian84

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 10:20 PM

My hook so far... 

 

1. 17yo Norvina must stop a super-villain's plan to rule the world or her city and everyone will transform into bloodthirsty villains. (A few well-placed commas would help this be a little more readable! I'm not really feeling this hook. It makes your story sound very generic and like all the other superhero stories currently out there)

 

2. NYC has one law: all humans with powers will die. Which is bad for 17yo Norvina (,) who got them in a big way. (More interesting, but unfortunately not enough to make me want to read more. Might help to make a mention of what powers she has. Is the city the antagonist here? Or is there a different one?) 

 

2. 17yo Norvina must become a kick-ass villain to save her city from the hands of Black Death and his bloodthirsty men. (I like this one the best! Details are good and the fact that the MC is a villain puts a unique spin on it. So Black Death is a person, then? If so it might help to specify that. I think if you could find a way to somehow combine this hook with the previous one, it would be more compelling)

 

Just my two cents! Just looking at this from a reader's POV. Hopefully you can take something from all this :)






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