Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

Che Cazzo (Adult Fiction)


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 EmperorOfTheNorth

EmperorOfTheNorth

    King of The Road

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 74 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 01 January 2018 - 07:01 PM

This is intended to be a 21 year old describing his first experience (other than some mutual hand jobbing with Heather Baker 3 months earlier) at age 13. (He just turned 13 and the girl, Julie is 14)

I'm going for an acceptable line between the necessity of discussing this in the book and not wanting to broach the lines of ummm 'ickyness' Please let me know.

Four days later, the day after Thanksgiving, I was lying on a blanket in an open field beneath a maple tree. Beside me was Julie. We were both topless. I had managed to pull on my boxers and she had on a red silk thong. It had been painful. Exhilarating, exquisite and painful. But after a half hour we went for a second helping and it was even more exquisite. I found myself thinking about Stephanie Baker and wondering what it would be like with her. Julie drew closer to me and we kissed. It was a mild day for November and we both sat up and dressed. I stood holding Julie in my arms for a long while before we packed everything and returned to my house.
The morning after my birthday I had walked into the kitchen at a much later hour than was my custom. An extra portion of Fisher’s raisin-mash had precipitated my falling asleep. My head throbbed slightly so I took some aspirin and had coffee. Gina had joined me along with her fiancé. Tori was at Fisher’s studying. Gina poured coffee and made toast. She sat and looked at me a moment.
“Nicky and I have to get back to school, Vinnie. We have some work to get done. After our talk last night I think you will have concluded that we help Uncle V and others by providing ID cards. There is a DMV near the campus and Nicky works there. He knows someone who helps out.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.

#2 VickieJack

VickieJack

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 30 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 04 January 2018 - 04:38 PM

First of all this sounds like the start of a chapter. Like an event is described and then suddenly the MC is taking us to the precipitating events.

So much going on here.

First of all, yes you handled this as well as possible given that you state a need to mention teen sex. The description of them all but naked is right on the edge but you draw back remarkably well.

I like how, have just gotten laid, this boy is clearly thinking about a different girl he may have wanted.

Having read your other posts and query, I like how you draw the reader right back to overdrinking, hangover city, and then bring in hints of the criminal goings on.

Is Gina the sister of MC? Just curious.

You fit a lot into 250 words and are as delicate as the situation will allow. I do not think you cater go pervie minds at all.

#3 EmperorOfTheNorth

EmperorOfTheNorth

    King of The Road

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 74 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 04 January 2018 - 05:27 PM

First of all this sounds like the start of a chapter. Like an event is described and then suddenly the MC is taking us to the precipitating events.

Yes it is. Exactly.

So much going on here.

First of all, yes you handled this as well as possible given that you state a need to mention teen sex. The description of them all but naked is right on the edge but you draw back remarkably well.

That was kind of my worry. I want real but not porn.

I like how, have just gotten laid, this boy is clearly thinking about a different girl he may have wanted.

Boys are that way and he is priapic to the Nth

Having read your other posts and query, I like how you draw the reader right back to overdrinking, hangover city, and then bring in hints of the criminal goings on.

Is Gina the sister of MC? Just curious.

Yes she is

You fit a lot into 250 words and are as delicate as the situation will allow. I do not think you cater go pervie minds at all.


Thank you. This helps a lot.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.

#4 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,106 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 04 January 2018 - 09:49 PM

This is intended to be a 21 year old describing his first experience (other than some mutual hand jobbing with Heather Baker 3 months earlier) at age 13. (He just turned 13 and the girl, Julie is 14)

I'm going for an acceptable line between the necessity of discussing this in the book and not wanting to broach the lines of ummm 'ickyness' Please let me know.

Four days later, the day after Thanksgiving, I was lying on a blanket in an open field beneath a maple tree. Beside me was Julie. We were both topless. I had managed to pull on my boxers and she had on a red silk thong. It had been painful. Exhilarating, exquisite and painful. But after a half hour we went for a second helping and it was even more exquisite. I found myself thinking about Stephanie Baker and wondering what it would be like with her. Julie drew closer to me and we kissed. It was a mild day for November and we both sat up and dressed. I stood holding Julie in my arms for a long while before we packed everything and returned to my house.
The morning after my birthday I had walked into the kitchen at a much later hour than was my custom. An extra portion of Fisher’s raisin-mash had precipitated my falling asleep. My head throbbed slightly so I took some aspirin and had coffee. Gina had joined me along with her fiancé. Tori was at Fisher’s studying. Gina poured coffee and made toast. She sat and looked at me a moment.
“Nicky and I have to get back to school, Vinnie. We have some work to get done. After our talk last night I think you will have concluded that we help Uncle V and others by providing ID cards. There is a DMV near the campus and Nicky works there. He knows someone who helps out.

 

 

This is super telly, and stilted, especially the dialogue. There's a similarity to the sentence construction as well. It's also confusing -- I presume four days later relates to whatever came before, but then it's the morning after my birthday, which is disconnected.



#5 EmperorOfTheNorth

EmperorOfTheNorth

    King of The Road

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 74 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 05 January 2018 - 05:51 PM

Thank you Vickie. You understand exactly. It's a memoir. It's the middle of a complicated plotline. I wanted to know if it was too edgy. Appreciate your help.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users