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YA-Fantasy Crown of Ash and Stars


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#1 A. Wass

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 05:37 PM

Revision on post #27.



#2 mindy24601

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 06:26 PM

So I'm currently back in the Query trenches after my Agent left the biz. It's been a few years since I had to write a query so here goes nothing. I greatly appreciate any feedback. Thank you!!

Oh, no! Well, good luck to you, and hope the wait is not too long. :) 

 

 

When Seer Eloiny is born with the gift of foresight, she thought she’d never be surprised again. that's catchy! That was before her father, King of Elyria, signs a peace treaty with a rivaling kingdom that promises her to Shocker Prince Deacon on her eighteenth Name Day next week. so she didn't see that coming? there are limits to her foresight? good first sentence, but second sentence doesn't necessarily seem to follow. 

 

Eloiny would never take the bond with a Shocker, even if he is handsome and charming. Anything is better than linking her mind and soul with someone whose gift does nothing but inflict pain. hmmm, interesting! Deacon wants nothing more than to stop the senseless war between his kingdom of Rornatan and its neighbor to the West should west be capital?, even if it means having to win over the sharp-tongued Princess whose as fierce a fighter as she is stubborn. ...but why does he have to win her over...if he does nothing, won't the peace treaty still go through?

 

After an incident at the boundary, the wall of magic separating the kingdoms from the desolate wasteland of The Veil, this is a little wordy and unclear, maybe reword so it says "after an incident at the wall of magic..." Eloiny’s glimpses of the future show her something dark and dangerous is on the horizon. Something hell-bent on destroying both their kingdoms. Thrown into a twisted game of Fate i was recently told this phrase is too cliche...?, Eloiny and Deacon must learn to put their prejudices aside in order to stop an evil as ancient as the stars. ooh, i love this! with your title!

 

CROWN OF STARS AND ASH, beautiful is a dual POV YA fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

ooh, ooh, ooh, i'm so in love with this. it's clear you've had some success in your industry; you weave a beautiful story! just some minor thoughts for your consideration. 

 

please consider lending feedback: http://agentquerycon...ry-ya-fantasy/ 



#3 Nessa

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 06:37 PM

So I'm currently back in the Query trenches after my Agent left the biz. It's been a few years since I had to write a query so here goes nothing. I greatly appreciate any feedback. Thank you!!

 

 

 

When Seer Eloiny is born with the gift of foresight, she thought she’d never be surprised again.​[If Eloiny is born with foresight, then did she ever have the opportunity to be surprised? It sounds like she was surprised ​before ​she was born.] That was before her father, King of Elyria, signs a peace treaty with a rivaling kingdom that promises her to Shocker Prince Deacon on her eighteenth Name Day next week. ​[Peace treaties through marriages are a cliché, so you might want to rework this to put less of a spotlight on the marriage.]

 

Eloiny would never take the bond with a Shocker, even if he is handsome and charming. ​[Another cliché that you might want to rework.] Anything is better than linking her mind and soul with someone whose gift does nothing but inflict pain. Deacon wants nothing more than to stop the senseless war between his kingdom of Rornatan and its neighbor to the West, even if it means having to win over the sharp-tongued Princess whose as fierce a fighter as she is stubborn. ​[What is it about the marriages that will make peace possible? I've never understood that plot device. Perhaps you could add a clarifying bit about what the marriage brings to both kingdoms.]

 

After an incident at the boundary, ​[What incident?]the wall of magic separating the kingdoms from the desolate wasteland of The Veil, Eloiny’s glimpses of the future show her something dark and dangerous is on the horizon. Something hell-bent on destroying both their kingdoms. Thrown into a twisted game of Fate, Eloiny and Deacon must learn to put their prejudices aside in order to stop an evil as ancient as the stars. ​[These final sentences are vague. Can you make the evil thing more concrete, and possibly something less cliché than a mysterious darkness? My major concern for this query is the lack of something unique. This reminds me too much of the current YA fantasy on shelves. Is there something in your manuscript that really stands out and could be infused with your query?]

 

CROWN OF STARS AND ASH, is a dual POV YA fantasy complete at 80,000 words. ​[Good word count. You're at the sweet spot for YA fantasy.]


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#4 LeeAllan

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Posted 03 January 2018 - 12:27 AM

So I'm currently back in the Query trenches after my Agent left the biz. It's been a few years since I had to write a query so here goes nothing. I greatly appreciate any feedback. Thank you!!

 

The other reviewers have offered excellent suggestions. Fantasy is not really my realm, but I'd be happy to offer my comments, though they may not be as insightful as the others.

 

 

When Seer Eloiny is born with the gift of foresight, she thought she’d never be surprised again. That was before her father, King of Elyria, signs a peace treaty with a rivaling kingdom (of Rornatan? I'm confused with which kingdom is east and which is west) that promises her to Shocker Prince Deacon on her eighteenth Name Day next week. (I agree that perhaps you should explain the limitations of her gift of foresight)

 

Eloiny would never take the bond with a Shocker, even if he is handsome and charming. Anything is better than linking her mind and soul with someone whose gift (I'm confused. Does this Shocker also have a gift? What is it?) does nothing but inflict pain. Deacon (who is Deacon? This is the first time we hear his name but we know nothing about him. I'm sensing that Deacon is the man she's to marry. Is that correct?) wants nothing more than to stop the senseless war between his kingdom of Rornatan and its neighbor to the West, even if it means having to win over the sharp-tongued Princess whose as fierce a fighter as she is stubborn.

 

After an incident at the boundary, the wall of magic separating the two kingdoms from the desolate wasteland of The Veil (I'm having trouble picturing this in my mind. So the wall of magic separates the two kingdoms. Where is the wasteland of The Veil in relation to them? Is it between the two kingdoms as well?), Eloiny’s glimpses of the future show her something dark and dangerous (tell us what it is) is on the horizon. Something hell-bent on destroying both their kingdoms. Thrown into a twisted game of Fate, Eloiny and Deacon must learn to put their prejudices aside in order to stop an evil as ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF STARS AND ASH,(delete the comma) is a dual POV YA fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

 

Sounds like an interesting novel! I'd greatly appreciate it if you would critique the latest version (post #27) of my novel Love, Cats, and Assassins. Thank you! Here's the link:

 

http://agentquerycon...dec-31-version/



#5 A. Wass

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 10:51 AM

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I scrapped that query and tried to start over. What do you think of this one?

 

 

 

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every child is born with a gift bestowed by the Ether, the invisible life force found in every living thing. But what the Ether gives, it can take.

 

Prince Deacon of Karda, a Shocker, wants his parents to stop hounding him to choose a Queen. The thought of taking the bond, a connection of mind, body, and soul, with a stranger repulses him. He’d rather rule alone and know his thoughts and feelings are his own. Princess Eloiny of Elyria, a Seer, isn’t used to surprises. She’s used to seeing everything moments before they happen, but the future is ever changing and there are limits to her foresight.

 

Her best friend, and love, accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Unable to see beyond The Veil and willing to do anything to bring him back, she crosses the boundary to save him. Crossing the boundary and returning reveals The Veil for what it really is. A prison. And Eloiny opened the cage, freeing a Shade, a hollow shadow of a mad and power hungry King from long ago.

 

With the Shade wreaking havoc across the lands, The Great Seer declares Eloiny and Deacon must join the two Kingdoms in a bonding ceremony. Only together as one mind and soul can they defeat the Shade and prevent darkness from consuming the kingdoms. Deacon and Eloiny must decide what they’re willing to give up to defeat an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.



#6 rhwashere

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 02:57 PM

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I scrapped that query and tried to start over. What do you think of this one?

 

 

 

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every child is born with a gift bestowed by the Ether, the invisible life force found in every living thing. But what the Ether gives, it can take. (I like that last line)

 

Prince Deacon of Karda, a Shocker, wants his parents to stop hounding him to choose a Queen. The thought of taking the bond, a connection of mind, body, and soul, with a stranger (we know what marriage is, so you could stand to lose this bit) repulses him. He’d rather rule alone and know his thoughts and feelings are his own. Princess Eloiny of Elyria, a Seer, isn’t used to surprises. She’s used to seeing everything moments before they happen (this reads awkwardly; maybe try "seeing things moments before they happen" or "nothing happens that she hasn't seen ahead of time"), but the future is ever changing and there are limits to her foresight.

 

Her best friend, and love, accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Unable to see beyond The Veil and willing to do anything to bring him back, she crosses the boundary to save him. Crossing the boundary and returning reveals The Veil for what it really is. A prison. And Eloiny opened the cage, freeing a Shade, a hollow shadow of a mad and power hungry King from long ago. (This paragraph took a couple of read-throughs before it started making sense, which is not what you want in a query; maybe try to limit the use of world-specific jargon, i.e. "Ether, Veil, Shade")

 

With the Shade wreaking havoc across the lands, The Great Seer declares Eloiny and Deacon must join the two Kingdoms in a bonding ceremony. Only together as one mind and soul can they defeat the Shade and prevent darkness from consuming the kingdoms (how, specifically, will they do this?). Deacon and Eloiny must decide what they’re willing to give up (maybe try to be more specific with what they would have to give up) to defeat an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

 

Overall, it sounds like a great idea for a story! Most of my suggestions have to do with telling me more about what the MC's care about and what they are going to do to get/protect that.

 

Please feel free to take a look at my query too, if you get a chance.


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#7 A. Wass

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 04:10 PM

Tweaked it a little:

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every child is born with a gift bestowed by the Ether, the invisible life force found in every living thing. But what the Ether gives, it can take.

Prince Deacon of Karda, a Shocker, wants his parents to stop hounding him to choose a Queen. The thought of taking the Eternal Bond, an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul, with a stranger repulses him. He’d rather rule alone and know his thoughts and feelings are his own. Princess Eloiny of Elyria, a Seer, doesn’t like surprises. She’s used to seeing things before they happen, but the future is ever changing and there are limits to her foresight.

Her best friend, and love, accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to bring him back, she crosses the boundary to save him. Crossing the boundary and returning reveals The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the door, freeing a Shade, a hollow shadow of a mad and power hungry King from long ago.

With the Shade wreaking havoc across the lands, The Great Seer declares Eloiny and Deacon must join the two Kingdoms by taking the Eternal Bond. Only together as one mind and soul will they have enough power to defeat the Shade and prevent darkness from consuming the kingdoms. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.



#8 A. Wass

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 11:57 AM

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every child is born with a gift bestowed by the Ether, the invisible life force found in every living thing. But what the Ether gives, it can take.

 

Prince Deacon of Karda, a Shocker, wants his parents to stop hounding him to choose a Queen. The thought of taking the Eternal Bond, an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul, with a stranger repulses him. He’d rather rule alone and know his thoughts and feelings are his own.

 

Princess Eloiny of Elyria, a Seer, doesn’t like surprises. She’s used to seeing things before they happen, but the future is ever changing and there are limits to her foresight. Her best friend, and love, accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to save him, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage, releasing the beast within.

 

The Shade, a hollow shadow of a mad and power hungry King from long ago, wreaks havoc across the lands. Eloiny and Deacon discover they must join the two Kingdoms by taking the Eternal Bond. Only together as one mind and soul will they have enough power to defeat the Shade and prevent darkness from consuming the kingdoms. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.



#9 rhwashere

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 02:19 PM

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every child is born with a gift bestowed by the Ether, the invisible life force found in every living thing. But what the Ether gives, it can take.

 

Prince Deacon of Karda, a Shocker, wants his parents to stop hounding him to choose a Queen. The thought of taking the Eternal Bond with a stranger, an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul, with a stranger repulses him. He’d rather rule alone and know his thoughts and feelings are his own.

 

Princess Eloiny of Elyria, a Seer, doesn’t like surprises. She’s used to seeing things before they happen, but the future is ever changing and there are limits to her foresight. Her best friend, and love, accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to save him, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage, releasing the beast within.

 

The Shade, a hollow shadow of a mad and power hungry King from long ago, now wreaks havoc across the lands. Eloiny and Deacon discover they must join the two Kingdoms by taking the Eternal Bond. Only together as one mind and soul will they have enough power to defeat the Shade and prevent darkness from consuming the kingdoms. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

I like this a lot better. Like, A LOT. I like the layout, with each paragraph focusing on either a MC or the villain. I love that Eloiny has to let go of the one she loves to form a bond with some other dude to stop the Shade. That makes for some great stakes. It's also a lot easier to follow than the previous versions. The only changes I would make are minor sentence structure revisions.

 

Kudos!


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#10 VSChapman

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 02:43 PM

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every child is born with a gift bestowed by the Ether, the invisible life force found in every living thing. But what the Ether gives, it can take. (I like this line.)

 

Prince Deacon of Karda, a Shocker, wants his parents to stop hounding him to choose a Queen. The thought of taking the Eternal Bond, an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul, with a stranger repulses him. He’d rather rule alone and know his thoughts and feelings are his own.

 

Princess Eloiny of Elyria, (these two names are very similar, I get confused easily. ;))  a Seer, doesn’t like surprises. She’s used to seeing things before they happen, but the future is ever changing and there are limits to her foresight. Her best friend, and love, accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to save him, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage, releasing the beast within.

 

The Shade, a hollow shadow of a mad and power hungry King from long ago, wreaks havoc across the lands. (Is this the beast that she released?) Eloiny and Deacon discover they must join the two Kingdoms by taking the Eternal Bond. Only together as one mind and soul will they have enough power to defeat the Shade and prevent darkness from consuming the kingdoms. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

I didn't read the other versions because I wanted this to be fresh. For me, the first time reading it I feel there are too many names and I get lost remembering who is who and to what kingdom they belong.  Or it could just be my cold virus making me dumb, who knows. ;)  That being said, I think that both of your MCs are described well and we know what's at stake. Overall, pretty good. It's pretty clear and concise (besides all the names) and sounds good. Good job!



#11 A. Wass

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 08:53 PM

Ok so more than one person said something about too many names etc so I tried to cut back a little. How do you like this version? Better or worse than the version in post #8??

 

 

Deacon was born to rule a kingdom of magic and splendor, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the fact his parents won’t stop hounding him to choose a Queen in a land where getting married means an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul.

 

Being a Seer is the most envied of all the gifts in Elyria, but Eloiny doesn’t see the point in being able to see the future if she has no effect on the outcome. As much as she tries to prevent it, the boy she loves accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to bring him back, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage.

 

After a millennia of imprisonment, the Shade, the shell of a power hungry King twisted by dark magic, wreaks havoc across the lands. Eloiny and Deacon discover that only together as one mind and soul will they have enough power to defeat the Shade and prevent darkness from consuming the land. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.



#12 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 09:08 PM

Deacon was born to rule a kingdom of magic and splendor, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the fact his parents won’t stop hounding him to choose a Queen in a land where getting married means an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul. [I like this sooooo much and I'm SO intrigued immediately. Literally just had a moment of, "Oh, yeah, I'll request the manuscript - wait, I'm not an agent!" However, I'm wondering if it can be shortened? Maybe. Hmm...]

 

Being a Seer is the most envied of all the gifts [grammatically incorrect. "Being a Seer" is not a gift but a state of being, so either replace "gifts" or say something like "Seeing the future is the most envied of all the gifts, but Eliony doesn't see the point being a Seer ...]in Elyria, but Eloiny doesn’t see the point in being able to see the future if she has no effect on the outcome. As much as she tries to prevent it, the boy she loves accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to bring him back, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage.[Elyria is very similar to Eloiny, which is totally fine, but not to have right next to each other in the same paragraph. I suggest not naming Elyria because you really don't need to in a query. Also btw your story sounds SO cool and besides these nitpicky things, you're explaining it really well.]

 

After a millennia of imprisonment, the Shade, the shell of a power hungry King twisted by dark magic, ['shell of power hungry King' threw me off. I would just say power hungry king OR something more descriptive, like 'ghost,' 'spirit,' etc. Also, king shouldn't be capitalized here.] wreaks havoc across the lands. Eloiny and Deacon [I think you need a phrase mentioning that they met at some point because I was a little jolted] discover that only together as one mind and soul will they have enough power to defeat the Shade and prevent darkness from consuming the kingdoms. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars. [This is where the query loses its incredible pop. I think you should hang your tension on 'they MIGHT be able to defeat the Shade together, but they really don't want to do it.' Because telling us they WILL have the power to save the day makes it kind of like, 'oh, okay, then they'll save the day.']

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

 

[I'm so intrigued by this and would buy this in a bookstore in a heartbeat.]

 

Also I'd greatly appreciate feedback on my query here. Good luck!



#13 A. Wass

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 11:31 PM

Thanks for the feedback pigeon. This revision is much stronger because of it. 

 

 

Deacon was born to rule a kingdom of magic and splendor, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the fact his parents won’t stop hounding him to choose a Queen in a land where getting married means an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul.

 

Having visions of the future is the most envied of all the gifts, but Eloiny doesn’t see the point in being a Seer if she has no effect on the outcome. As much as she tries to prevent it, the boy she loves accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to bring him back, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage.

 

After a millennia of imprisonment, the Shade, the shadow of a power hungry king twisted by dark magic, wreaks havoc across the lands. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save. Their only hope is to bond together as one mind and soul in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.



#14 sereneew

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 11:57 PM

Thanks for the feedback pigeon. This revision is much stronger because of it. 

 

 

Deacon was born to rule a kingdom of magic and splendor, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the fact his parents won’t stop hounding him to choose a Queen in a land where getting married means an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul.( good hook!)

 

Having visions of the future is the most envied of all the gifts, but Eloiny doesn’t see the point in being a Seer( not sure what you mean by this. I suggest starting with... " people who have visions of he future are known as Seers." something along those lines so we know what you're talking about )   if she has no effect on the outcome. As much as she tries to prevent it, the boy she loves accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to bring him back, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage.( I'd reword this. Doesn't really give us the oomph we need) 

 

After a millennia of imprisonment, the Shade, the shadow of a power hungry king twisted by dark magic, wreaks havoc across the lands. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save. Their only hope is to bond together as one mind and soul in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

 

 

 

I really like this revision better than your previous ones. The hook is better and the paragraphs are more condensed, which is good. I recommended a few changes, hopefully they are helpful, but other than those minor suggestions your query is getting there (: Goodluck ! 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#15 Mdane

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 12:59 AM

Thanks for the feedback pigeon. This revision is much stronger because of it. 

 

 

Deacon was born to rule a kingdom of magic and splendor, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the fact I think this sentence will be stronger without it his parents won’t stop hounding him to choose a Qqueen in a land where getting married means an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul. Ewww, cooties

 

Having visions of the future is the most envied of all the gifts, but Eloiny doesn’t see the point in being a Seer if she has no effect on the outcome. As much as she tries to prevent it, the boy she loves accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to bring him back, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage.

 

After a millennia of imprisonment, the Shadethe shadow of a power hungry king twisted by dark magicwreaks havoc across the lands. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save. Their only hope is to bond together as one mind and soul in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

 

This sounds like an interesting story with good character arcs. The paragraphs read well. Maybe a little more information on the shade and what will happen if they fail to defeat it? What is at risk?

 

If you have a chance, can you please check out my query, The Other Side of Blood

 

Thanks


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#16 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 07:01 PM

Deacon was born to rule a kingdom of magic and splendor, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the fact his parents won’t stop hounding him to choose a queen [queen isn't capitalized in this context] in a land where getting married means an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul. Besides the three words I cut, I still love this.

 

Having visions of the future is the most envied of all the gifts, but Eloiny doesn’t see the point in being a Seer if she has no effect on the outcome. As much as she tries to prevent it, the boy she loves accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to bring him back, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage. [Someone above said this paragraph didn't really do it for them, and it just goes to show - different strokes for different folks, because this is so intriguing to me.]

 

After a millennia of imprisonment, the Shade, the shadow of a power hungry king twisted by dark magic, wreaks havoc across the lands. Deacon must learn to open his heart and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save. Their only hope is to bond together as one mind and soul in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars. [I think if you sent out this query today as is, you'd be likely to get favorable responses. You could still maybe improve on the last two sentences of this paragraph, although this version is an improvement from the last draft I read. Maybe instead of saying they 'must,' express how they're resistant to it. Something like: 'Deacon doesn't want to marry, and Eloiny doesn't want to let go of the boy she risked everything to save. Yet their only hope...` [use more dramatic wording than 'doesn't want,' though, of course.]

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

 

Overall I really love this, and I think if you sent it out unchanged today, it would be perfectly fine.



#17 Sataris

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 07:20 PM

 

Deacon was born to rule a kingdom of magic and splendor, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Except for the fact his parents won’t stop hounding him to choose a Queen in a land where getting married means an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul.

 

Having visions of the future is the most envied of all the gifts, but Eloiny doesn’t see the point in being a Seer if she has no effect on the outcome. As much as she tries to prevent it, the boy she loves accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to bring him back, she discovers The Veil for what it really is just after she breaks down the door: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage. might help if you avoid the tense shift like so- caused me to stumble a bit

 

After a millennia of imprisonment, the Shade, the shadow of a power hungry king twisted by dark magic, wreaks havoc across the lands. Deacon must learn to open his heart  and Eloiny must let go of the boy she risked everything to save. Their only hope is to bond together as one mind and soul in order to vanquish an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars. 

 

this is the only part that i think needs to be improved- it's not very clear how deacon opening his heart/Eloiny letting go of the boy will help until we get to the last sentence. and im not sure why theyre more powerful as a single being (married couple?), even though the forced love angle is compelling on its own.

 

Also- if it's just a matter of getting married to form the bond, what's stopping these two from getting married then pursuing their own interests? Or, in other words, do they really need to fall in love with each other before they can form the bond? If so, I'd definitely make that clear, because that would be awesome.

 

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

Overall this is really solid. You've handled the POV shift really well. Wouldn't be surprised if you got bites on this as is, but I do think the last two lines could be sharpened a bit to improve your odds. Hope that was helpful! If you've got a minute, I'd appreciate you taking a look at the query in my signature. Best of luck.


No current query.


#18 A. Wass

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 07:42 PM

You guys are being so helpful. Thank you! Newest revision. I know it's just about there. Just trying to spice up that last paragraph.

Deacon was born to rule a kingdom of magic and splendor, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Except his parents won’t stop hounding him to choose a queen in a land where getting married means an irreversible physical connection of mind, body, and soul.

Having visions of the future is the most envied of all the gifts, but Eloiny doesn’t see the point in being a Seer if she has no effect on the outcome. As much as she tries to prevent it, the boy she loves accidentally crosses the forbidden wall of magic that separates her kingdom from The Veil, a barren wasteland no one ever returns from. Willing to do anything to bring him back, she discovers The Veil for what it really is: a prison. And Eloiny opened the cage.

After centuries of imprisonment, the Shade, the shadow of a power hungry king twisted by dark magic, wreaks havoc across the lands. Deacon doesn’t want to marry Eloiny, and Eloiny doesn’t want to let go of the boy she risked everything to save, but their only hope is to bond together as one mind and soul. Only then will they have the strength to defeat an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.

CROWN OF ASH AND STARS is a dual POV YA Fantasy complete at 80,000 words.



#19 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 07:56 PM

I think you've got it!



#20 Sataris

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 08:05 PM

After centuries of imprisonment, the Shade, the shadow of a power hungry king twisted by dark magic, wreaks havoc across the lands. Deacon doesn’t want to marry Eloiny, and Eloiny doesn’t want to let go of the boy she risked everything to save, but their only hope is to bond together as one mind and soul. Only then will they have the strength to defeat an evil as powerful and ancient as the stars.
 

This is better because it's hinting that they'll grow stronger - but we still don't know what it is they'll be able to do, or how it's going to prepare them to confront the shade. Maybe you could detail the power briefly in the opening paragraph?

 

Also, something nitpicky, in the first line you say irreversible physical connection - but I'm guessing it's more of a magical connection? Or are they literally physically connected?


No current query.





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