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First 250 of Che Cazzo (Adult Fiction)


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#1 EmperorOfTheNorth

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Posted 02 January 2018 - 11:28 PM

This is the opening of the prologue. I'm hoping it brings out the voice of the 21 year old MC.

It was fitting that I ended up in jail, that postgraduate academy of survival. I was definitely predisposed to make the deans list and graduate Momma-Cum Loudly. In the introductory curriculum I learned how to use toothpaste as glue, fashion a shiv out of a spoon and build communication networks. After many seminars, some tutoring and a bit of basic hazing from the upperclassmen, I learned the only rehabilitation possible, self preservation. My entire young life has been, in a way, a manual of survival in the prison that was once the United States. Since the reign of Herr Donald Cheetolini the “united” part is obvious bullshit. I learned early on where and exactly how to place the explosives that would one day destroy the walls of this overbearing and oppressive nation currently run by the rich for the rich. I learned to judge people as people not as a herd. I learned to help others through compassion and caring.
Coming of age as an urban pirate, I was educated by my parents and their friends in the idea of building a nation where the technology produces goods and services for whoever needs them, come who may. “From each according to his ability. To each according to his need.” I believe Marx said that. Karl not Harpo. I had those words hammered into my psyche. My generation was to be the new Robin Hoods of the urban jungles. We were trained to steal from the robber barons who own the castles of capitalism.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.

#2 A.M.Rose

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Posted 03 January 2018 - 03:11 PM

My question is, do you need this prologue? In my personal opinion, it isn't doing much for you but having a character tell us about himself. I'd much rather read about a character doing something, than be told he did something, if that makes sense. 

 

Unless this is some kind of non-fiction work or memoir, I'm not sure this works. Consider starting at a point where your character has a goal he is trying to reach. A scene where he is actively doing something. 

 

Best of luck. 


A.M.Rose

 

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#3 EmperorOfTheNorth

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Posted 03 January 2018 - 04:03 PM

It's an AF novel about an alcoholic/addict.

Told like a memoir.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.

#4 JoQwerty

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Posted 04 January 2018 - 08:27 AM

I tend to agree with A.M.Rose, I don't thinks this opening works. First, it is too much information, too fast. Second, the MC sounds whiny. Most of us don't like to listen to people rant on until we get to them better. If you don't want to start with the MC doing something, then expound on that first sentence. People write whole books about life in prison, so a whole page as an introduction to where your MC is in life is not unreasonable.



#5 VickieJack

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Posted 04 January 2018 - 04:47 PM

Wow! This guy comes off as tough, jaded and pretty intelligent in a hip way. I like the comparison of jail to a university. Graduated Momma-Cum-Loudly? You can pay to clean my screen if this coffee I spit out doesn't wipe off. ROTFLMFAO!

I think for a fictional memoir you have a good start. And you immediately set his background although it sounds like his moral qualms got lost along the way.

#6 EmperorOfTheNorth

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Posted 04 January 2018 - 07:46 PM

Thank you everyone
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.




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