Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

YA Fantasy


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 A. Wass

A. Wass

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 304 posts
  • Literary Status:published, in-between agents
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 04 January 2018 - 01:58 PM

I've been racking my brain for the right place to start my YA Fantasy in a way that's unique but not confusing. Let me know what you think. (It's slightly more than 250.) Thank you in advance!

 

 

I was born for this. I lived for it.

 

I ducked and weaved, an intricate and graceful dance, my gift telling me exactly where to step and when in order to avoid the storm of daggers and arrows. An arrow flew past my neck so close I felt the static of the metal against my skin. My heartbeat pounded in my ears. I relished the danger in the air, having made it to the last and most difficult leg of the labyrinth.

 

Sprinting forward in a rush, I lunged up the seven foot wall ahead of me, pulling myself up and over the other side. The sound of metal sticking into wood clanked behind me as I landed, kicking up a plume of dirt, safe on the other side of the wall. For now. Pausing for the briefest second to gather my senses, I followed the pull of my gift telling me to turn right deeper into the maze.

 

A horn blew in the distance. Once. Twice. Two racers had reached the last leg of the race. I pushed myself harder, faster, ignoring the painful ache in my legs as I picked up speed. Bastian was not going to beat me this time.

 

No one was.

 

My gift alerted me to Bastian coming up behind me, surprisingly fast considering his large, muscular frame. Father always said the key to victory was to identify an opponent’s weakness and then use it against them. Father had taught me well. Bastian’s bulk would be his downfall. After ducking around a corner, I knelt down and waited, using my gift to sense precisely when Bastian would round the corner.

 

3…2…1…

 

I swept his legs out from under him the second her rounded the corner, sending him sprawling and rolling forward in a tangle of limbs. I took off running, jumping over him, laughing in triumph.



#2 EmperorOfTheNorth

EmperorOfTheNorth

    King of The Road

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 74 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 04 January 2018 - 03:13 PM

I've been racking my brain for the right place to start my YA Fantasy in a way that's unique but not confusing. Let me know what you think. (It's slightly more than 250.) Thank you in advance!
 
 
I was born for this. I lived for it.
 
I ducked and weaved, an intricate and graceful dance, my gift telling me exactly where to step and when in order to avoid the storm of daggers and arrows. An arrow flew past my neck so close I felt the static of the metal against my skin. My heartbeat pounded in my ears. I relished the danger in the air, having made it to the last and most difficult leg of the labyrinth.
 
Sprinting forward in a rush, I lunged up the seven foot wall ahead of me, pulling myself up and over the other side. The sound of metal sticking into wood clanked behind me as I landed, kicking up a plume of dirt, safe on the other side of the wall. For now. Pausing for the briefest second to gather my senses, I followed the pull of my gift telling me to turn right deeper into the maze.
 
A horn blew in the distance. Once. Twice. Two racers had reached the last leg of the race. I pushed myself harder, faster, ignoring the painful ache in my legs as I picked up speed. Bastian was not going to beat me this time.
 
No one was.
 
My gift alerted me to Bastian coming up behind me, surprisingly fast considering his large, muscular frame. Father always said the key to victory was to identify an opponent’s weakness and then use it against them. Father had taught me well. Bastian’s bulk would be his downfall. After ducking around a corner, I knelt down and waited, using my gift to sense precisely when Bastian would round the corner.
 
3…2…1…
 
I swept his legs out from under him the second her (HE) rounded the corner, sending him sprawling and rolling forward in a tangle of limbs. I took off running, jumping over him, laughing in triumph.


Other tan who is Bastian and what is this race I like this a lot. Very exciting and driven. It makes me want to read more and I usually avoid this genre like the plague. Also note one grammatical correction. You meant he not her rounded the corner.


If you could look at mine entitled Che Cazzo I'd appreciate it. I'm trying to deal with an issue that really is touchy.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.

#3 A.M.Rose

A.M.Rose

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 212 posts
  • Literary Status:published, industry insider
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:Debut book coming 2018 from Entangled Teen.

Posted 04 January 2018 - 09:59 PM

I think you are too worried about starting with the action that I don't really know what is going on. The writing is very lovely, but I can't visualize what the MC is doing, or why I should care about her doing it. You don't have to necessarily start with "action" as much as you should start with the MC reaching toward a goal. If that makes sense. This tweet says it best. 

Another tip for beginnings: often it's best to start with your character immediately pursuing some relevant in-scene goal. It lends the story immediate momentum plus gives readers a mini story question to invest us quickly.

 

I hope this helps in some way. Good luck. 


A.M. Rose

Author of Road to Eugenica - Available 2018 from Entangled Teen 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


#4 Andrea Roche

Andrea Roche

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 355 posts
  • Literary Status:published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Solstice Publishing Nov 28, 2016

Posted 05 January 2018 - 09:50 AM

Wonderful expressive writing!  The GMC is writing standard- Goal, Motivation, and Conflict-

Here I see your Goal: Your Mc's desire to win & beat Bastion-  (inner as well as outer, awesome)

Motivation-.  Daddy issues,  say no more-LOL Great! 

Conflict: the Pain she is in (this is an outer conflict. I don't see an inner conflict _yet, further on in the story I'm sure it will be made clear.)

 

You mention "my gift" several times. Do you refer to it that way during the entire story? If not may I make the suggestion you name it early on in the story- a snappy, interesting name I'm sure you already have in mind.

 

Again wonderful work, I would like to read more.

 

 

 

Andrea


Andrea Roche

Author: Nights Arose on Amazon

www.Facebook/NightsArose.com

Twitter: @Rose121562


#5 TheBest

TheBest

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 162 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've just finished my first young and new adult Sci-fi novel, which I'm very proud of, and eager to get published. I've written two plays and a novella, self-published online.

Posted 21 January 2018 - 02:04 PM

I was born for this. I lived for it. (Fantastic! This might not be the way to open or establish the scene, but putting it in the beginning most definitely works.)

 

I ducked and weaved, an intricate and graceful dance (Spectacular imagery!), my gift telling me exactly where to step and when in order to avoid the storm of daggers and arrows. An arrow flew past my neck so close I felt the static of the metal against my skin. My heartbeat pounded in my ears. I relished the danger in the air, having made it to the last and most difficult leg of the labyrinth.

 

Sprinting forward in a rush, I lunged up the seven foot wall ahead of me, pulling myself up and over the other side. The sound of metal sticking into wood clanked behind me as I landed, kicking up a plume of dirt, safe on the other side of the wall. For now. Pausing for the briefest second to gather my senses, I followed the pull of my gift telling me to turn right deeper into the maze.

 

A horn blew in the distance. Once. Twice. Two racers had reached the last leg of the race. I pushed myself harder, faster, ignoring the painful ache in my legs as I picked up speed. Bastian was not going to beat me this time.

 

No one was. (Great!)

 

My gift alerted me to Bastian coming up behind me, surprisingly fast considering his large, muscular frame. Father always said the key to victory was to identify an opponent’s weakness and then use it against them. Father had taught me well. Bastian’s bulk would be his downfall. After ducking around a corner, I knelt down and waited, using my gift to sense precisely when Bastian would round the corner.

 

3…2…1…

 

I swept his legs out from under him the second her rounded the corner, sending him sprawling and rolling forward in a tangle of limbs. I took off running, jumping over him, laughing in triumph.

 

This is a really really really strong opening! The imagery is great, and the voice is amazing. If I had to nitpick, I'd say elaborate on Father's advice or make it sound more like something straight from father's mouth. 






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users