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#1 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 10:37 AM

Hello everyone. This is my new query to those who are just stopping in. I'm new to the site so I'm still learning the etiquette, but I'm happy to return any critiques. Feel free to ask me. 

 

I personalize intros, but this is just to give an idea:

 

Dear Mr/Ms...

 

When homeless seventeen-year-old Lucy Pembroke plots to steal from a suburban family, she doesn’t expect to get caught by their son. Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler has everything that Lucy doesn’t—a loving home, a picture-perfect family. But Elliot is more troubled than he seems, and Lucy soon discovers that he gave up his NHL dreams after a failed suicide attempt and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Lucy’s life is all about survival, so falling in love isn’t part of the plan, but Elliot catches her heart.
 
What starts out as a perfect love dies when Lucy’s abusive ex-boyfriend, Colton, rips back into her life. If Lucy doesn’t leave Elliot, Colton will hurt her friends. But Elliot doesn’t give up on trying to contact Lucy, so when Colton leaves the city, she grabs her first chance to explain herself. Elliot’s dad is a cop—he can help, but crossing Colton has hurt Lucy before, and her friends’ lives are now in the balance. Lucy, like she always does, will figure this out herself.
 
It gets complicated when Elliot can’t let her go. And Lucy, as hard as she tries, can’t forget him, either. Elliot sinks into a deep depression, and Lucy realizes that she's damaging his life in an irreversible way. In order for Elliot’s mental health to heal, he’s better off without her, and Lucy is faced with a choice: to leave behind the only boy she’s ever loved, or risk hurting him more than she already has.
 

Complete at 82,000 words, [WORKING TITLE] is a contemporary YA novel told from both Lucy and Elliot's perspectives. It will appeal to readers of ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES and WHEN WE COLLIDED. [insert agent research here]

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

Taylor Hale



#2 Springfield

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 11:20 AM

Hello everyone. This is the current draft of my query letter. I personalize intros and always include word count and genre. Plot comps are all recent titles within the genre. I want to focus on the body of the query. Thanks in advance, please rip me apart :^)

 

Hi  :)

 

He needs her to stay, but she can't stop running. Because it's like the movie Speed but without the bus? Because she's really into ultra marathons? It's too vague, and I really don't think you want to start off with an unnamed he needs a she to capitulate to his will, at this particular juncture, if you see what I'm saying. It's also just meaningless without context. 

 

Elliot Wexler expected to graduate straight into the NHL, but after a violent episode, he went from popular kid to social outcast. This too is too vague -- graduate from? There's no grounding here, I dunno how old, if he's an AHL star, in college, in h.s. in what country... also why a violent episode would preclude him from the NHL. Now Elliot floats through life with no friends, mediocre grades and little reason left to live. 

Lucy Pembroke survives the harsh city streets with nothing but a flannel, a backpack and a heart-shaped box. Hunted by her deranged ex-boyfriend, Lucy lives for the promise of a better tomorrow.This feels like they;re both older than YA -- also no grounding here, and in general, only romances are dual-POV queried.

When Lucy plots to steal from a nice suburban family, she doesn’t anticipate getting caught by their squeaky-clean son, who isn’t as picture-perfect as he seems. If I were an agent, I'd be out here, because the perpetual convoluted vague/coy thing irks. I get what you're trying to do, I think, but in a query you want to be clear. And Elliot never thought he’d find the cure to his heartache in a self-proclaimed street girl covered in bruises. But when Lucy disappears, So it was his house and then they met and stuff happened, presumably, but none of that, which presumably drives the plot, is here. Character, problem, stakes. You've got problems, plural and then it's petering out. Elliot learns the truth: Lucy lied. About..... Her life is riddled with secrets—the unexplained death of her parents, illicit relationships—and the pressure might be too much. As Lucy’s past catches up to her, Elliot’s mental health wears dangerously thin. This is the first indication there's an issue there -- if you're doing a Green/Rowell thing, it needs to be clear what the problem is.

 

See above the dual POV problem. Pick one. Then character, problem, stakes. This is way too vague and blurby. I'm also sort of concerned about the wc and don't understand how it's YA, as they both seem out of range, but there's no age info. If it's YA, you need ages upfront. 



#3 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 11:32 AM

See above the dual POV problem. Pick one. Then character, problem, stakes. This is way too vague and blurby. I'm also sort of concerned about the wc and don't understand how it's YA, as they both seem out of range, but there's no age info. If it's YA, you need ages upfront. 

But the novel is dual POV - does that change anything? Originally, I did have it in just a single POV, but after reading the blurbs for many dual-POV books, I took this approach! Mistake? ;-)

 

I 100% see what you mean. Right back to the drawing board - I'll cut the dual-POV and stick to single-POV. My original draft made it more obvious that it's YA so I'll go back to that as well. I'll post my next version, I hope you don't mind giving it another critique when it's done - I need it hahaha



#4 Springfield

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 11:40 AM

But the novel is dual POV - does that change anything? Originally, I did have it in just a single POV, but after reading the blurbs for many dual-POV books, I took this approach! Mistake? ;-)

 

I 100% see what you mean. Right back to the drawing board - I'll cut the dual-POV and stick to single-POV. My original draft made it more obvious that it's YA so I'll go back to that as well. I'll post my next version, I hope you don't mind giving it another critique when it's done - I need it hahaha

 

Nope, doesn't change anything. Dual, triple, quadruple-POV... unless it's a genre romance, generally always queried focusing on a single MC. 

 

Blurbs are not queries.



#5 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 11:46 AM

Nope, doesn't change anything. Dual, triple, quadruple-POV... unless it's a genre romance, generally always queried focusing on a single MC. 

 

Blurbs are not queries.

Thank you so much! This is so helpful. I got a full request from an agent before on an old query - I think it's awful, but something in it must be right, so I'm going to work with that :-)



#6 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 12:52 PM

See above the dual POV problem. Pick one. Then character, problem, stakes. This is way too vague and blurby. I'm also sort of concerned about the wc and don't understand how it's YA, as they both seem out of range, but there's no age info. If it's YA, you need ages upfront. 

All right, I'm back. This is what I came up with. This isn't the query that got me a full request - that one was riddled with annoying rhetorical questions. But I did try to keep it concise, to the point, and avoid any "quirkiness" lol

 

Here's the entire query to give a more rounded view of the story. I do personalize intros but this is just to give an idea. 

 

Dear MR/MS...

 

I am seeking representation for my contemporary YA novel, SOMEPLACE LIKE HOME, complete at 81,000 words. Due to your interest in__ , I hope that my novel will be a good fit for your list. 

 

Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler had spent his high school career preparing for the NHL, but after a violent outburst and a failed suicide attempt, he was ditched by his team and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When he finds seventeen-year-old, self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke stealing from his dad’s shed, he thinks that he’s found the cure to his loneliness—until she disappears. Faced with the reality that Lucy lied about her past, Elliot tries desperately to keep her with him. But in his efforts to save Lucy, Elliot might lose himself forever.

 

Told from two perspectives, SOMEPLACE LIKE HOME is a story about mental illness, teen homelessness and addiction. As a novel dealing with bipolar disorder, it will appeal to readers of ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES and WHEN WE COLLIDED. The theme of overcoming abuse will resonate with fans of ALL IN PIECES. My personal experiences with mental illness, addiction and homelessness inspired me to write this novel. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,
Taylor Hale



#7 Springfield

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 01:14 PM

All right, I'm back. This is what I came up with. This isn't the query that got me a full request - that one was riddled with annoying rhetorical questions. But I did try to keep it concise, to the point, and avoid any "quirkiness" lol

 

Here's the entire query to give a more rounded view of the story. I do personalize intros but this is just to give an idea. 

 

Quirkiness is good, voice is good, include those, but -- a query is, at its heart, a business letter. It is NOT a blurb. It's got blurb-like qualities in some respects, but they're not the same things at all. Think of it like an interview. You want to let an interviewer see the real you, your personality, how you'd specifically be a good fit for the company, but at the same time, you show up in appropriate interview attire, sit up straight, answer in complete sentences, etc., not in your fave band t-shirt, munching from a bag of flaming hot Cheetos. There are conventions you show you understand that demonstrate you're cognizant of proper etiquette. 

 

Dear MR/MS...

 

I am seeking representation for my contemporary YA novel, SOMEPLACE LIKE HOME, complete at 81,000 words. Due to your interest in__ , I hope that my novel will be a good fit for your list. 

 

Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler had spent his high school career preparing for the NHL, but after a violent outburst and a failed suicide attempt, he was ditched by his team and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Much better. When he finds seventeen-year-old, self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke stealing from his dad’s shed, he thinks that he’s found the cure to his loneliness This sounds like he attacks her and keeps her in the closet to talk to. —until she disappears. Faced with the reality that Lucy lied about her past, eh?? Elliot tries desperately to keep her with him. But in his efforts to save Lucy, Elliot might lose himself forever. Way too vague and Green/Rowell.

 

Told from two perspectives, SOMEPLACE LIKE HOME is a story about mental illness, teen homelessness and addiction. As a novel dealing with bipolar disorder, it will appeal to readers of ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES and WHEN WE COLLIDED. The theme of overcoming abuse will resonate with fans of ALL IN PIECES. My personal experiences with mental illness, addiction and homelessness inspired me to write this novel. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,
Taylor Hale

You have way more room -- actual plot and stakes would help here.



#8 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 01:45 PM

You have way more room -- actual plot and stakes would help here.

Finding a balance of voice and professionalism is so hard! I can't thank you enough for helping me.

 

Here's what I have now.

 

Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler had spent his high school career preparing for the NHL, but after a violent outburst and a failed suicide attempt, he was ditched by his team and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When he finds seventeen-year-old, self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke stealing from his dad’s shed, he discovers an unlikely relationship with her. Over the course of the winter, Elliot’s wounds begin to heal—until Lucy disappears.

 

When Elliot learns that Lucy is running from a deranged ex-boyfriend, he tries desperately to keep her safe. Then his family gets caught in the crossfire. In his efforts to save everyone around him, Elliot fails over and over—and the only answer might be at the bottom of a bottle of pills.

 

 

Still too vague at the end? Or too revealing?

 

I don’t want too vague or Green/Rowell. The story itself—I believe—brings something different to the table. So I don’t want to give off the impression that it’s an imitation of another author. I’ve never read Rowell but I am not a Green fan. Though I understand that the topics in general are similar to things those authors write about, so some similarities may be impossible to avoid. 



#9 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 02:23 PM

You have way more room -- actual plot and stakes would help here.

sorry, made another one- this might have more voice/make the characters seem more compelling.

 

 

Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler had spent his high school career preparing for the NHL, but after a violent outburst and a failed suicide attempt, he was ditched by his team and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When he finds seventeen-year-old, self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke stealing from his dad’s shed, he discovers an unlikely relationship with her. Lucy survives the streets with nothing but a flannel, a backpack and a heart-shaped box, while Elliot has been sheltered for his entire life. But despite their differences, Lucy heals Elliot’s wounds—until she disappears. 
 
When Elliot learns that Lucy is running from a deranged ex-boyfriend, he tries desperately to keep her safe. Then his family gets caught in the crossfire. In his efforts to save everyone around him, Elliot fails over and over—and the only answer might be at the bottom of a bottle of pills.


#10 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 03:31 PM

You have way more room -- actual plot and stakes would help here.

Apologies for the spam - this is my last post. I don't think that implying suicide at the end is the best approach. Maybe this would be better.

 

Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler had spent his high school career preparing for the NHL, but after a violent outburst and a failed suicide attempt, he was ditched by his team and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When he finds seventeen-year-old, self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke stealing from his dad’s shed, he discovers an unlikely relationship with her. Lucy survives the streets with nothing but a flannel, a backpack and a heart-shaped box, while Elliot has been sheltered for his entire life. But despite their differences, Lucy heals Elliot’s wounds—until she disappears.

 

When Elliot learns that Lucy is running from a deranged ex-boyfriend, he tries desperately to keep her safe. But in helping Lucy, Elliot puts his own family at risk. 



#11 mzbritney12

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 03:32 PM

Hey you!

I can't express how happy I am to run across your query--mostly because I have a special place in my heart for contemporary YA, and I think you have a pretty promising story line! 

Finding a balance of voice and professionalism is so hard! I can't thank you enough for helping me. (This is so true. I struggle(d) with this all the time. When it comes to contemporary YA, you really do want to add your own flair to it, but at the same time, you want to balance that out). 

 

Here's what I have now.

 

So I know this spot is blank here, but I bet you have an awesome hook in you that could be placed where this text is. 

 

Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler had spent his high school career preparing for the NHL, but after a violent outburst and a failed suicide attempt, he was ditched by his team and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. (To me, this first sentence is perfect. It's straight to the point and we already have a good feel for who the MC is.) When he finds seventeen-year-old, self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke stealing from his dad’s shed, he discovers an unlikely relationship with her. Over the course of the winter, Elliot’s wounds (I almost want to say that the use of the word "wounds" is a bit too vague here. Maybe if you summarized how his relationship with Lucy has had a positive effect on his mental illness, it might fit a bit better here.) begin to heal—until Lucy disappears.

 

When Elliot learns that Lucy is running from a deranged ex-boyfriend, he tries desperately to keep her safe. Then his family gets caught in the crossfire. (How does his family get caught in the crossfire? It might feel like you're giving away a lot here, but I promise it won't come off that way. Definitely write out what the stakes are--especially if his family is in danger of being murdered or taken for captive.) In his efforts to save everyone around him, Elliot fails over and over—and the only answer might be at the bottom of a bottle of pills. (Man, I totally know what you're going for here, but I do think the query ends a bit too abruptly. I think there needs to be more explaining to why Elliot feels death is the only answer. You might even have to explain his thinking process, or even explain where he has failed to give the reader more of an understanding to why he feels he wants to give up.)

 

Also, I wanted to to point out that I actually liked, "Told from two perspectives, SOMEPLACE LIKE HOME is a story about mental illness, teen homelessness and addiction. As a novel dealing with bipolar disorder, it will appeal to readers of ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES and WHEN WE COLLIDED. The theme of overcoming abuse will resonate with fans of ALL IN PIECES. My personal experiences with mental illness, addiction and homelessness inspired me to write this novel." It lets the agent know that you do have two different story lines that collide--and you also have a good list of what readers can expect, comparison wise, from your story.

 

 

Still too vague at the end? Or too revealing?

 

I don’t want too vague or Green/Rowell. The story itself—I believe—brings something different to the table. So I don’t want to give off the impression that it’s an imitation of another author. I’ve never read Rowell but I am not a Green fan. Though I understand that the topics in general are similar to things those authors write about, so some similarities may be impossible to avoid. 

 

First off, and I know it's vague and more for a blurb, but I loved, "He needs her to stay, but she can't stop running." Your writing style reminds me a lot of my own. :) I honestly think you can morph that single sentence into a hook if you expanded it more.

 

I love your story line here, and I don't think your query is too bad at all. I can see that you've had a lot of improvement and it's great to see how it's changed for the better. 

I hope my comments are helpful, and do let me know if something is confusing or doesn't make sense. 

Totally rooting for you!

Good luck!

 

 . . . . . and I don't have a query that needs to be looked at, but feel free to browse around my blog!

 

Looking forward to seeing this progress! 


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#12 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 03:38 PM

Hey you!

I can't express how happy I am to run across your query--mostly because I have a special place in my heart for contemporary YA, and I think you have a pretty promising story line! 

 

First off, and I know it's vague and more for a blurb, but I loved, "He needs her to stay, but she can't stop running." Your writing style reminds me a lot of my own. :) I honestly think you can morph that single sentence into a hook if you expanded it more.

 

I love your story line here, and I don't think your query is too bad at all. I can see that you've had a lot of improvement and it's great to see how it's changed for the better. 

I hope my comments are helpful, and do let me know if something is confusing or doesn't make sense. 

Totally rooting for you!

Good luck!

 

 . . . . . and I don't have a query that needs to be looked at, but feel free to browse around my blog!

 

Looking forward to seeing this progress! 

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm happy that you found it interesting :-) I think I'm going to remove the ending implying suicide, and leave it at something about how him helping Lucy puts his family at risk. What do you think? 

 

I'm thinking that the initial statement about him trying to commit suicide will imply that it could happen again in the book. But I'm not sure. I don't want to give away too much. Such a fine balance...



#13 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 03:49 PM

@anyone lol

 

Here's what I currently have.  :biggrin:

 

Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler had spent his high school career preparing for the NHL, but after a violent outburst and a failed suicide attempt, he was ditched by his team and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When he finds seventeen-year-old, self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke stealing from his dad’s shed, he discovers an unlikely relationship with her. Lucy survives the streets with nothing but a flannel, a backpack and a heart-shaped box, while Elliot has been sheltered for his entire life. But despite their differences, Lucy makes Elliot feel accepted—until she disappears.

 

When Elliot learns that Lucy is running from a deranged ex-boyfriend, he tries desperately to keep her safe. But in helping Lucy, Elliot could either save the girl he loves, or put his own family at risk of being hunted. 

 

 

^maybe I need to add more to the last para, not sure. Feels abrupt. 



#14 mzbritney12

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 03:54 PM

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm happy that you found it interesting :-) I think I'm going to remove the ending implying suicide, and leave it at something about how him helping Lucy puts his family at risk. What do you think? 

 

I'm thinking that the initial statement about him trying to commit suicide will imply that it could happen again in the book. But I'm not sure. I don't want to give away too much. Such a fine balance...

 

You're welcome! 

 

Hmm--I don't think you should remove it. I say this because it's such a huge stake for your main character. Maybe if you think it's giving away too much, you could possibly try eluding to the fact that suicide is on his mind. I do think that you explaining how he helps Lucy will be very very helpful for your query--it's definitely the meat and potatoes of this story. 

 

Overall, I personally like edit #8 the most, and I think you should build from that one. I do feel like you are cutting a lot of the story out and that your query is getting shorter and shorter, but I truly think you should expand it and stick to the traditional, "three-paragraph" rule. 


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#15 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 04:01 PM

You're welcome! 

 

Hmm--I don't think you should remove it. I say this because it's such a huge stake for your main character. Maybe if you think it's giving away too much, you could possibly try eluding to the fact that suicide is on his mind. I do think that you explaining how he helps Lucy will be very very helpful for your query--it's definitely the meat and potatoes of this story. 

 

Overall, I personally like edit #8 the most, and I think you should build from that one. I do feel like you are cutting a lot of the story out and that your query is getting shorter and shorter, but I truly think you should expand it and stick to the traditional, "three-paragraph" rule. 

When you say three paragraph rule, do you mean three paragraphs of summary? Or three paragraphs as in, intro(title, genre, etc), summary, outro(plot comps)? 

 

I have seen successful queries that contain the intro, three body paragraphs, then the plot comps and such. I want to give away enough story to hook, but keep things short as well :-D



#16 mzbritney12

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 04:37 PM

When you say three paragraph rule, do you mean three paragraphs of summary? Or three paragraphs as in, intro(title, genre, etc), summary, outro(plot comps)? 

 

I have seen successful queries that contain the intro, three body paragraphs, then the plot comps and such. I want to give away enough story to hook, but keep things short as well :-D

 

When I say three paragraphs, I'm referring to: the hook, mini-synopsis (which is actually the summary of your book), and the writer's bio (which in most cases, and mine as well, the plot comps). You may also refer to: https://britneylewisbooks.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-query-process.html . The post is a bit old, but I know it helped me a lot when I first joined AQC. 

 

I do like shorter queries--they are easy to navigate through!--but I do think, if you added a bit more, a lot of questions will be answered without giving away too much. I promise. Lol. 

You want to give away enough information that makes the reader want pick up the book (or in this case, the agent), but not too little that may cause confusion. Does that make sense? Here are a few short queries, and even long, that do just that: https://britneylewis...y-examples.html

 

Hope this helps!

Let me know about other questions as well!


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#17 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 04:55 PM

When I say three paragraphs, I'm referring to: the hook, mini-synopsis (which is actually the summary of your book), and the writer's bio (which in most cases, and mine as well, the plot comps). You may also refer to: https://britneylewisbooks.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-query-process.html . The post is a bit old, but I know it helped me a lot when I first joined AQC. 

 

I do like shorter queries--they are easy to navigate through!--but I do think, if you added a bit more, a lot of questions will be answered without giving away too much. I promise. Lol. 

You want to give away enough information that makes the reader want pick up the book (or in this case, the agent), but not too little that may cause confusion. Does that make sense? Here are a few short queries, and even long, that do just that: https://britneylewis...y-examples.html

 

Hope this helps!

Let me know about other questions as well!

Thanks so much for the links, those are very helpful! 

 

 

Here's what I have now, revised with your suggestions :) 

 

Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler had spent his high school career preparing for the NHL, but after a violent outburst and a failed suicide attempt, he was ditched by his team and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When Elliot catches seventeen-year-old, self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke stealing from his dad’s shed, he forges an unlikely relationship with her. As a girl who survives with nothing but a flannel, a backpack and a heart-shaped box, Lucy challenges Elliot to overcome the weight of his mental illness. But when Lucy disappears, she leaves behind a trail of secrets—a deranged ex-boyfriend, the unexplained death of her parents, illicit relationships. And in a desperate attempt to keep Lucy safe, Elliot puts his own family at risk. With his growing thoughts of self-hatred and failure, Elliot’s mental health wears thin—if he can’t save the people he loves, his only answer might be at the bottom of a bottle of pills. 



#18 mzbritney12

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 05:12 PM

Thanks so much for the links, those are very helpful! 

 

 

Here's what I have now, revised with your suggestions :) 

 

Eighteen-year-old Elliot Wexler had spent his high school career preparing for the NHL, but after a violent outburst and a failed suicide attempt, he was ditched by his team and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When Elliot catches seventeen-year-old, self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke stealing from his dad’s shed, he forges (I so liked when you used the word "discovers" here instead of forges) an unlikely relationship with her. As a girl who survives with nothing but a flannel, a backpack and a heart-shaped box, Lucy challenges Elliot to overcome the weight of his mental illness. But when Lucy disappears, she leaves behind a trail of secrets—a deranged ex-boyfriend (this is good!) , the unexplained death of her parents (good), illicit relationships (care to explain a little? I know it'll mess up the flow just a tad bit, but illicit is so vague. Is she in relationships with drug dealers? ex convicts? slim shady? lol). And in a desperate attempt to keep Lucy safe, Elliot puts his own family at risk. (Maybe more expanding here, too? For example: ....Elliot puts his own family at risk when a group of neighborhood delinquents crowd outside his house to take revenge--Purge style and all.)  With his growing thoughts of self-hatred and failure, Elliot’s mental health wears thin—if he can’t save the people he loves, his only answer might be at the bottom of a bottle of pills. (I like this ending much much more. Seems less abrupt). 

 

I'm liking this revision so so much more!

How about that hook--?  :wink:

I know you've got a great one in you! Let's see it paired with your whole query. 


I'm a writer who wants to support other writers. Follow my blog, and I'll follow yours!

Link: http://britneylewisbooks.blogspot.com/


#19 taylorhale

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 05:33 PM

I'm liking this revision so so much more!

How about that hook--?  :wink:

I know you've got a great one in you! Let's see it paired with your whole query. 

*cryin* I've got nothing!! Other than the original "He needs her to stay, but she keeps running" - I'll try to think of something though! As for the actual query, I'm still very unhappy with it, it feels so long and rambly to me. Trying to think of a new and interesting approach to take. :-)



#20 mzbritney12

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 05:47 PM

*cryin* I've got nothing!! Other than the original "He needs her to stay, but she keeps running" - I'll try to think of something though! As for the actual query, I'm still very unhappy with it, it feels so long and rambly to me. Trying to think of a new and interesting approach to take. :-)

Oh man--It saddens me that you don't like it! You'll definitely want to be confident in what you're putting out there, so if you feel like you want to make more edits, do so, but don't drive yourself crazy. 

As far as the hook goes, I look forward to seeing some drafts! 


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