Hi Taylor! Thanks so much for looking at my query. Here are my thoughts on yours:
When eighteen-year-old (I think you should put his age in the first sentence. It flows better) hockey prodigy Elliot Wexler finds self-proclaimed street rat Lucy Pembroke in his dad’s shed, he doesn’t know if he should call the cops or invite her in for hot chocolate.
Elliot is depressed after getting bullied by his hockey team (If he's a prodigy, why is he being bullied? Wouldn't he be respected by his team? You have the word count space, so I'd love to see a reason why. He's bullied by his team because... they think he's strange? He missed a big shot in an important game? Etc), self-medicating his bipolar disorder to suppress his suicidal urges (Is there another way to phrase this? Maybe something like, "which has been making the management of his bipolar disorder even harder" or something?) But for seventeen-year-old Lucy, survival is all that matters, even with nothing but a flannel, a backpack, and a heart-shaped box. When Elliot’s family goes away for Christmas (without him? again, a little clarification... my attention snags on the fact that his family left him alone at home over Christmas, which feels wrong. If you give a reason, even a quick one, my attention won't snag. He was left behind so he could go to his hockey practices/because he didn't want to go/etc), he invites Lucy to stay with him, and life is suddenly brighter—until she disappears.
Searching for Lucy’s true identity, Elliot resorts to Google, where he uncovers that Lucy’s parents are dead, she’s classified as missing, and her deranged (for a story that sounds like it will dive deep into issues of mental health, I'm not sure the use of the word "deranged" is the best choice. Is there another, less loaded word choice you can use? Overly possessive? Abusive?) ex-boyfriend might be behind it. But as Elliot chases Lucy, a near-death encounter (can you say what that encounter was, specifically? Otherwise I'm wondering how the two are related, as an ex-boyfriend showing up and almost dying don't seem totally related) leads her ex-boyfriend to his doorstep. When one of Elliot’s family members is taken (by the ex-boyfriend? IMO, this stands out as a plot point that doesn't exactly fit in with the vibe of the rest of the story. You get into thriller territory here), the impact Lucy is leaving on his life becomes too much, and Elliot is faced with a choice: to risk more consequences, or give up on the girl he loves.
The query is snappy and well-paced, but I'm not 100% sure you get to the heart of your story here. Is this a story about finding love under difficult circumstances? Finding inner strength in the face of mental illness? Or is it a high-octane thriller with missing people, chases, and kidnapping? Because right now it feels like it starts as a love story with a thread of mental illness, but then it ends feeling more like a thriller. I would try to weave in the stakes of the love story or his mental illness in the third paragraph somehow.
And speaking of your stakes, what are they exactly? Is there anyway to make hockey a part of it? If he's a prodigy, I would assume it's a huge part of his life. Like, maybe despite the bullying, Elliot thinks that playing hockey is the only thing that does help him, and if he continues down the Lucy rabbit-hole his spot on the team will be forfeited. (Or maybe that's his misbelief, and he realizes that all this time, he actually hates playing despite his skills and Lucy is the one who helps him realize that at the end, therefore helping him manage his mental illness better. You don't have to mention any of that in the query, but from Elliot's perspective, losing his chance to play on the hockey team would be huge stakes. See what I mean?)
TL;DR: I love the first paragraph. Hooked me 100%. Now is there a way to make sure the 3rd paragraph comes back around to the things that matter for the heart of the story?