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A DARKNESS IN SPRING (dark fantasy) -- reciprocation guaranteed!


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#1 MICRONESIA

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 03:42 PM

JEAN MILLER is a thirty-year-old Wiccan who moves to rural North Carolina to start a new life—thanks to an ATM that started spitting out cash. Believing she caused this with a magic spell, Jean is determined to use the money selflessly: by transforming a local inn into a women’s shelter. Through loving deeds and nature worship, she hopes to inspire the community.

 

For a few weeks, she crashes with MILES, a former hookup. Strange events start taking place at the apartment complex. Rooms are tidied while no one’s home. Children’s singing echoes from the woods. Dark figures watch her as she sleeps. When a local boy wanders up a nearby mountain and dies of exposure, Jean recalls the legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits that steal children’s souls.

 

Two weeks into her stay, Jean is visited by a warlock who calls himself THE LANDLORD. He tempts her with visions of a greener world—the eco-conscious future she’s always longed for. In order for it to become a reality, a massive tragedy must occur. She’s left with the image of thousands of people dying on a burning mountain.

 

Enticed by the Landlord’s vision of a better future, yet shaken by the cost, Jean delves deeper into the complex’s mysteries. With the help of Miles and FUZZY, a local PI, Jean learns that several suspicious deaths have taken place at the complex and on a nearby mountain. For some reason, the Landlord’s company recently bought property in places rumored to be “portals of the Fair Folk,” including the apartment complex.

 

Jean is shocked to discover that Miles works for the Landlord. For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven of the magically-gifted. The Fair Folk—stewards of nature infuriated by man’s neglect—plan to cull humanity. With their guidance, the planet will thrive again. The Landlord acts as the Fair Folks’ executioner, consuming souls and gaining personal power.

 

After falling down a well hidden within the walls, Jean and Fuzzy find themselves in the Otherworld. They confront Miles, who is revealed to be a changeling. The Landlord introduces himself as an elderly, hippie warlock still longing for revolution. He plans to host a music festival on the mountain, where he’ll slay thousands of attendees in a fire. This sacrifice—along with his coven’s magical efforts—will “open up the mountain,” letting the Fair Folk enter our world freely.

 

Though skeptical, Jean believes humanity can still change things on its own—if it rejects modern distractions and gets back to loving nature. She refuses to help. Enraged, the Landlord unveils his true form: the walking serpent evicted from Eden.

 

He attacks, but Jean shields herself in a magic circle. The Landlord escapes. Though she can stay forever in the heavenly Otherworld, she returns to the real world to stop him. However, time passes differently in the Otherworld, and Jean returns three-hundred years in the future. The Fair Folks’ culling of humanity has worked. An awaiting family of fairy/human hybrids shoots her. Crawling and dying, Jean remains defiant. She welcomes the next world, whatever it might entail.


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#2 morgan.spraker

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 05:56 PM

JEAN MILLER is a thirty-year-old Wiccan who moves to North Carolina to start her own coven. Through loving deeds and nature worship, Jean hopes to “reclaim something the world has lost.” Why is this in quotes? Also, why does she think the previous two actions are the way to do this? In introducing character motivation, I think you need to be a little more specific. For a few weeks, she’ll crash with MILES, a former hookup. But Jean finds herself more drawn to DEVIN, Miles’ neighbor—a single father whose wife recently committed suicide. What draws her to Devin? I think you could combine the two sentences

 

Creepy shit starts going down at the apartment complex. This definitely doesn't fit the tone you've sent. I would rephrase and show Jean's role in the so-called "creepy shit" Rooms get tidied up while no one’s home. Shadows scurry. Children’s singing echoes from the woods. Worst of all, a local boy wanders up a nearby mountain and dies of exposure. Jean recalls the legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits said to steal children’s souls.

 

Two weeks into her stay, Jean is attacked by a spectral entity calling itself THE LANDLORD. I really like the name of the entity! This entity tempts her with visions of a more vibrant, sustainable world—the future she’s always longed for. In order for it to become a reality, a massive tragedy must occur. What type of massive tragedy? She awakens hours later, nearly dead from asphyxiation. I think you could cut this and be okay

 

FUZZY, an aging PI, is hired to investigate Jean’s attack. He learns about several sketchy deaths that have taken place at the complex. Fuzzy also suspects (correctly) that Devin murdered his wife. For some reason, the Landlord’s company recently bought property in places rumored to be “mounds of the Fair Folk,” including the apartment complex. Devin, meanwhile, is electronically harassed by someone who knows his secret. The assailant makes no demands. Devin, falling hard for Jean, grows increasingly paranoid. Personally, I think this paragraph distracts from the main plot. Does Jean know that Devin murdered his wife? If Jean's the protag, keep it all in her point of view

 

Enticed by the Landlord’s visions of a better future, Jean delves deeper into the complex’s mysteries. She is shocked to discover that Miles works for the Landlord: a warlock. For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven of magically-adept females. The Fair Folk, it seems, have major plans for humanity. What are those plans? Like in the changeling legends, a human soul must be replaced in order for a fairy to enter the real world. The Landlord acts as their executioner, gobbling  "gobbling" sticks out like a sore thumb with the tone you've built souls and gaining personal power.

 

MADELINE, a neighbor who babysits Devin’s daughter, is furious to learn he’s a murderer. You don't need to introduce Madeline -- stick with Jean. With some nudging from the Landlord, she kills him. Jean flees, tumbling down a magic well. In the underground fairy world, she and Fuzzy confront Miles. Not only was he Devin’s electronic assailant, Miles is one of the fairy changelings. With the aid of a clever trick, Fuzzy nabs the musical box: the portal between worlds.

 

The Landlord turns out to be an elderly, hippie warlock still longing for revolution. He plans to host a music festival on the mountain, where he’ll slaughter thousands of attendees in a fire. This sacrifice—combined with his coven’s magical efforts—will “open up the mountain,” again, why in quotes? allowing the Fair Folk to enter our world freely.

 

Jean changes her tune. Doesn't fit with tone Though skeptical, she believes humanity can still change things on its own—if it rejects modern distractions and gets back to loving nature. Furious, the Landlord reveals his true form: the walking serpent evicted from Eden.

 

He attacks, but Jean shields herself in a magic circle. The Landlord escapes. She vows to return to the real world and stop him. Unfortunately, she returns three-hundred years in the future—since time passes differently in the fairy world I would figure out a way to show this rather than plainly stating it. In the meantime, the Landlord’s overhaul of humanity has worked. An awaiting family of fairy/human hybrids shoots her. Crawling and dying, Jean remains defiant. She welcomes the next world, whatever it might entail. Wow, what an ending!!!

You have the basic flow of your story down, but you should limit how many characters you introduce ("Fuzzy" can be "the detective" and "Madeline" can be "the neighbor") and stay focused on Jean -- she is the protagonist, after all. If you don't mind, would you take a look at my synopsis? http://agentquerycon...erity-synopsis/



#3 MICRONESIA

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 07:00 PM

Thanks!

 

Just out of curiosity, is it a hard-and-fast rule that we should ONLY stick to the protagonist's story? The PI's story directly affects what happens in the climax, as does Devin's. I'm not really sure how the ending will make sense without them. Hmmm...

 

Looking at yours now!


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#4 MICRONESIA

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 05:45 PM

Version #2 posted. I ditched the subplots. Hopefully it's simpler now.


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#5 smithgirl

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Posted 09 January 2018 - 06:23 PM

JEAN MILLER is a thirty-year-old Wiccan who moves to North Carolina to start her own coven. She figures with the way humanity is destroying the Earth, I think Earth is capitalized here because used as a proper noun. a return to pagan simplicity is the only way to save it. Through loving deeds and nature worship, Jean hopes to inspire a revolution.

 

For a few weeks, she’ll crashes with MILES, a former hookup. Weird events start taking place at the apartment complex. Rooms are tidied while no one’s home comma children’s singing echoes from the woods comma dark figures watch her as she sleeps. When a local boy wanders up a nearby mountain and dies of exposure, Jean recalls the legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits said to steal children’s souls.

 

Two weeks into her stay, Jean is attacked by a spectral entity calling itself THE LANDLORD. Ha! Funny! This entity tempts her with visions of a more vibrant, sustainable world—the future she’s always longed for. But the Landlord explains that in order for this world to become a reality, a massive tragedy must occur. The Landlord exits before explaining.

 

Enticed by the Landlord’s visions of a better future, Jean delves deeper into the complex’s mysteries. With the help of FUZZY, a local PI, Jean learns that several sketchy deaths have occurred taken place at the complex. For some reason, the Landlord’s company recently bought property in places rumored whispered to be “mounds of the Fair Folk,” including the apartment complex.

 

Jean is shocked to discover that Miles works for the Landlord: a warlock. For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven of magically-adept females. So is Miles a woman or a man? I had assumed Miles was a man, but it says that the Landlord is collecting women. The Fair Folk—stewards of nature infuriated by man’s neglect—plan to start culling humanity. Like in the legends, a human must die and their soul must be replaced by a fairy soul in order for a fairy to enter the real world. The Landlord acts as their executioner of humans, consuming souls and gaining personal power. I'm a bit unclear: a human dies, the soul is taken, and a fairy enters the real world? So the Landlord kills people? I tried to make this clearer -- but maybe not correct if I didn't understand correctly.

 

In the underground fairy world, Jean and Fuzzy confront Miles—revealed to be a fairy changeling. The Landlord turns out to be an elderly, hippie warlock still longing for revolution.  He plans to host a music festival on the mountain, where he’ll slaughter thousands of attendees in a fire. This sacrifice—combined with his coven’s magical efforts—will “open up the mountain,” allowing the Fair Folk to enter our world freely.

 

Though skeptical, Jean believes people can still change things on their own—if they reject modern distractions and get back to loving nature. I'm unclear how just Jean's belief is enough. Wouldn't she have to convince humanity? Enraged, the Landlord unveils his true form: the walking serpent evicted from Eden.

 

He attacks, but Jean shields herself in a magic circle. The Landlord escapes. She vows to return to the real world and stop him. However, she forgets that time passes differently in the fairy world, and when she returns it's three-hundred years in the future. The Fair Folks’ culling of humanity has worked. An awaiting family of fairy/human hybrids shoots her. Crawling and dying, Jean remains defiant. She welcomes the afterlife, whatever it might entail. Oh! Not happy ending!

 

Overall, I think your synopsis is clear. I made a few recommendations, and I had the one question about Jean's belief. But I think you've done a good job of making a long novel into a nice short synopsis that conveys the crux of the story. Good job! That' so hard to do. Can you please look at my synopsis when you get a chance? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...revised-post-4/



#6 KET Writes

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 01:25 PM

JEAN MILLER is a young Wiccan who moves to rural North Carolina to start a new life—thanks to an ATM that started spitting out cash. Determined to use the money selflessly, Jean plans to transform a local inn into a women’s shelter. Through loving deeds and nature worship, she hopes to inspire the community. Personally I like this opening. It gives a great sense of Jean's personality, and I even had a small smile on my lips as I read it.

 

For a few weeks, she’ll crashes with MILES, a former hookup. Strange events start taking place at the apartment complex. Rooms are tidied while no one’s home. Children’s singing echoes from the woods. Dark figures watch her as she sleeps. When a local boy wanders up a nearby mountain and dies of exposure, Jean recalls the legends of the Fair Folk: nature spirits said to steal people’s souls.

 

Two weeks into her stay, Jean is attacked by a spectral entity calling itself THE LANDLORD. This entity tempts I'm curious because he attacks her, then tempts her. These don't seem to go together. How was she attacked? her with visions of a greener world—the eco-conscious future she’s always longed for. In order for it to become a reality, a massive tragedy must occur. She’s left with the image of thousands of people dying on a burning mountain.

 

Enticed by the Landlord’s visions of a better future, yet shaken by the cost, Jean delves deeper into the complex’s mysteries. With the help of Miles and FUZZY, a local PI, Jean learns that several suspicious deaths have taken place at the complex and in the woods. For some reason, the Landlord’s company When you called the landlord a spectral entity, it has me thinking it's a ghost. How does it have a company? How did they connect this spectral entity to a company? recently bought property in places rumored to be “mounds of the Fair Folk,” including the apartment complex.

 

Jean is shocked to discover that Miles works for the Landlord: a warlock. Ah. A warlock. I wonder if you could somehow incorporate this before mentioning the  company. This way we know the Landlord is a physical being.  For years, the Landlord has been gathering a coven of the magically-gifted. The Fair Folk—stewards of nature infuriated by man’s neglect—plan to cull humanity, slaughtering millions the world over. With their guidance, the planet will thrive again. The Landlord acts as their executioner, consuming souls and gaining personal power.

 

In the underground Otherworld, How did they get there? This seems like a big jump. Even a quick transition line might help. Jean and Fuzzy confront Miles, who is revealed to be a changeling. The Landlord introduces himself: an elderly, hippie warlock still longing for revolution. He plans to host a music festival on the mountain, where he’ll slay thousands of attendees in a fire. This sacrifice—along with his coven’s magical efforts—will “open up the mountain,” letting the Fair Folk enter our world freely.

 

Though skeptical, Jean believes humanity can still change things on its own—if it rejects modern distractions and gets back to loving nature. She refuses to help. Enraged, the Landlord unveils his true form: the walking serpent evicted from Eden. 

 

He attacks, but Jean shields herself in a magic circle. The Landlord escapes. She vows to return to the real world and stop him. I'm wondering what the how is, how will she stop him? However, time passes differently in the Otherworld, and she returns three-hundred years in the future. Out of curiosity, does she know about this time difference?  The Fair Folks’ culling of humanity has worked. An awaiting family of fairy/human hybrids shoots her. Crawling and dying, Jean remains defiant. She welcomes the next world, whatever it might entail. Ahh noooooo she doesn't succeed! I'm thinking though, with such a sad ending, we need to know more of what Jean sacrifices, for it to really hit home and feel for her. Right now, with what I know, I'm kinda left with an "ah that kinda sucks for her". Because I don't know what she did to fight her way to save humanity. Just that she vowed to return and stop him.

 

I really like the layers of your plot. It seems to be well thought out story. I just find myself wanting to know a bit more about the actions Jean takes. Also side note, because it opens with her being Wiccan, I keep expecting this to come more into play. But the only time I see the relevance is when she shields herself in a magic circle, and it being the reason the Landlord tries to convince her to help.


If my feedback was helpful, I'd appreciate some thoughts on my YA Urban Fantasy Query !

 





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