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Tales of Adventure: The Wayfarer [Adult (Psychological) Fantasy] - Critique for Critique


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#1 Wayfarer

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 11:31 PM

Revision 68:

Dear [Agent of Agency],

 

Aëros can’t recall when the shadow first appeared, or why. It walks alongside him, a doppelgänger wreathed in darkness, its words as murky as its purpose.

 

Aëros attempts to ignore the shadow, but when it directs him to Athair, the Necromancer responsible for the near extinction of the West, he has no choice but to abide it. Once driven by a love of adventure and the unknown, Aëros now follows a singular pursuit—to avenge those Athair slew. The shadow leads Aëros through forests of fable and vales of ash with nothing but his bow and a blade to serve him. Though many old comrades insist on aiding him in his quest, the only companion he will put at risk of such a dangerous venture is the one over which he has no sway—the shadow.

 

As Aëros draws near to Athair, the shadow’s words begin to evoke memories of an alternate past. One where Athair was victorious, and the world was laid beneath ash. Aëros begins to question his reality, his revenge falling aside as he realizes Athair is the key to unlocking the truth. Led now by his curiosity, Aëros must steel himself for what he may find at his journey’s end—and what he will face should the shadow’s words prove true.

 

Tales of Adventure: The Wayfarer, complete at 76,000 words, is a psychological fantasy novel that explores the philosophical nature of psychosis and existential unease as symptoms of severe post traumatic stress.

 

Thank you for your time and attention.

 

Cordially,

 

[Me]



#2 Springfield

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 11:55 PM

Tales of Adventure: The Wayfarer, is an 80,000-word adult Fantasy story that follows Aëros Arûaë, otherwise known as The Wayfarer, as he journeys in search of the villain responsible for dragging him to the precipice of insanity, and leaving him there. Aëros seeks from this agent of the eldritch and the corrupted one thing only; his life, in payment for those he took. But the vengeance he seeks is a boon that has been long lost to him, one stolen by the villain himself as he ended his own life, a final effort of treachery, and condemnation aimed to rob the Wayfarer of the reprisal that was his due.
 
When that final fragment of purpose was torn from him, Aëros’s mind slipped, and he forsook the truth in favor of an aureate lie. He told himself that the villain had merely escaped into the shadows, a failure that was lesser than the reality, more bearable, and soothing even as his mind hollowed from his untruth. But he knew that such a falsehood would serve only as a temporary salve to his affliction, and would one day need to choose; between the cathartic illusion he wove, and the oppressive axiom he spurned. Before succumbing to the weakness of his will he hid a reminder of the truth at the conclusion of a journey of which he was the architect. He painted it with a falsehood he could bear, a goal that would drive him forward without relent; the villain.

 
It was then he buried the truth in his mind, and from its festering form was cast a symptom of his dwindling sanity. A shadow that lingered both in the light of day, and under shroud of night, a final tether to the forgotten memory that fragmented him. It was purposed to guide him to the conclusion of the journey he had crafted, to the choice he had hidden there for himself to find. A choice between the tranquil illusion of the present, inevitably succumbing to the hollowness that was overtaking him, and would curse him to wander an eternity a withering husk devoid of his sanity, or the sorrowful depth of his past, and the serenity he would find in its acceptance.
 
As the Wayfarer embarks on this journey, unwitting of what he left for himself at its end, he will cross lands long lost to the decay of time, meet with friends both expected and unlooked for, pit himself against the few relics of corruption that still lurk in the forlorn parts of the world, and Weave the Threads of existence themselves as he ventures between the infinitude of realms that compose the Tapestry in his search for vengeance, a search that will in the end lead him only to truth, and the choice between it and insanity.

 

This... is not a query. 

 

You probably want to check some of the query threads and sites like queryshark, before scrapping this and starting anew. 



#3 Wayfarer

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 09:59 AM

This... is not a query. 

 

You probably want to check some of the query threads and sites like queryshark, before scrapping this and starting anew. 

Is a query not an attempt to sell the plot of the story? I admit I'm confused going from that concept to reading what you've said here.

 

I've made a major revision after reviewing more query's as you suggested, I think I've understood the direction I'm supposed to take now. The new revision has been added to the original post.



#4 Daisy

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 11:08 AM

Revision 1:

For longer than the recollection of memory Aëros Arûaë, otherwise known as ‘The Wayfarer’, has been hunting the villain responsible for dragging him to the precipice of insanity, and leaving him suspended on its ephemeral brink.

 

Guided by a hallucinatory symptom of his dwindling sanity, a vociferous shadow that lingers both in the light of day, and under shroud of night, he will embark upon the final span of his vengeful journey. It is a venture that will take him from the luminous regions of his world that he loves, to those harrowed by eldritch shadows older than the form that cast them.  To be honest, this is so flowery that I'm not even sure what I've read.  :sad: It's not easy to follow and if I was an agent, I'd pass thinking the m/s must be the same.

 

Along the way he will find the aid of old comrades both expected and unlooked for, Weave the very Threads of existence themselves for both survival and amusement, pit himself against the few relics of corruption that still lurk in the forlorn parts of the world, all the while listening to the unrelenting echoes of his shadow as it reveals more and more of the past he has forsaken, and of the somber memories that await him at his journeys conclusion. A novel needs to be somewhat conversational.  You need to lure me over, start telling me what's up, and then draw me into your amazing adventure. It's the plot and characters that should take center stage.  The writing...your voice...should feel so natural that it fades into the background as I'm held captive.  But, the way this is written, the writing is taking center stage and making me notice it, but in a manner where it's become a distraction. I'm not sure if you're aware what purple prose is, but I believe this falls into that category. 

 

https://en.wikipedia...ki/Purple_prose

In literary criticism, purple prose is prose text that is so extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw excessive attention to itself.[1] Purple prose is characterized by the excessive use of adjectives, adverbs, and metaphors. When it is limited to certain passages, they may be termed purple patches or purple passages, standing out from the rest of the work.

Purple prose is criticized for desaturating the meaning in an author's text by overusing melodramatic and fanciful descriptions. As there is no precise rule or absolute definition of what constitutes purple prose, deciding if a text, passage, or complete work has fallen victim is a somewhat subjective decision.

 

 

In all honesty, If you're looking at becoming published, I would go back and revamp your m/s to cut out a lot of the extra words. 

 

Your writing and your voice can still be poetic and beautiful, with a rhythm and flow to it, but in this case it seems to verge on the side of over-doing it.    

 

I'm so distracted by the aureate lie and the hallucinatory symptom of his dwindling sanity that I'm ready to lay down my own melancholy burden of sanity and sally-forth to rid the world of all purple prose!   :cool: :biggrin:

 

Good luck!  

   

 

In the end Aëros will find something quite different to the vengeance he has been searching for, something his shadow has long warned him of, something he has ignored for even longer still. He will find there at his journeys end one thing only; a choice. Between the aureate lie that has guided him for longer than the recollection of memory, and the sorrowful truth of his past, and the serenity he may find in its acceptance.

 

 

It is a choice that will sunder him, reveal to him all he has forgotten, and bring him back to the reality of the precipice on which he is stood. It is on the precipice he must choose, lest he wander an eternity a withering husk, succumbing to the hollowness that is slowly overtaking him, cursed to insanity until the memory of time itself evanescence into phantasmal wisps of nothingness.

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

 



#5 Wayfarer

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 11:00 PM

Thank you for the feedback Daisy, it's much appreciated. I was slowly coming to the same conclusion as you have as I re-read things, and have actually been working on a more streamlined rendition of the query. I hope you'll come back around to review it when it's posted!



#6 Wayfarer

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 02:49 PM

I've amended the original post with the newest revision. Hopefully its a bit less purple than the former!



#7 Daisy

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 03:42 PM

Thank you for the feedback Daisy, it's much appreciated. I was slowly coming to the same conclusion as you have as I re-read things, and have actually been working on a more streamlined rendition of the query. I hope you'll come back around to review it when it's posted!

 

 

Oh, I'm glad you replied because I was worried I came across as too harsh. 

 

Glad to see that what I said wasn't taken the wrong way and hopefully it helps.



#8 mindy24601

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 07:55 PM

Revision 2:

For longer than the reach of memory comma Aëros Arûaë, otherwise known as the Wayfarer, has been hunting the villain responsible for dragging him to the precipice of insanity,no comma and leaving him suspended over its brink. i feel this is too wordy for a hook, although i like the precipice/suspension imagery. can you break it into two sentences? 

 

Guided by a symptom of his unraveling sanity lovely, a shadow that walks beside him even under shroud of night, okay he will embark upon the final span of his journey for reprisalwhat do you mean? what is reprisal?. It is a venture that will take him from the no the regions of the world both fair and flourishing, to those harrowed by a lingering corruption that seeks only to defile and desecrate.this is all very vague. i wonder if you could give us some more meat. i know you said psychological, but this is very vague. It is a corruption left by the villain he hunts, a remnant of the malevolence he spread during an Age since passed into the annals of memory.your language is very flowery, but you lack meat. what are the stakes? what's going on? 

 

Yet for Aëros such a past is more than a memory. For him it is an ever present suffering. It is the vision of his world engulfed in an inferno, the smell of cruor pooling beneath the corpses of those he cherished, the sound of their pleading, of rope catching, and flesh rending. so he has a traumatic past. maybe lead with this? It is the sense of helplessness, of fear, of indecision and failure that overcome him in his moments of solitude. It is all that drives him now as his mind drifts towards insanity, the final smoldering ember of his spirit, feeding on one thing only; his desire for vengeance. forgive me, all of this floweriness is turning me off your story. i don't know if this is how psychological novels are typically queried, but this sounds a bit like a psychological analysis with literary metaphors. where is the plot?

 

But Aëros will find at his journeys apostrophe conclusion an end devoid of vengeance, you mean, he gets no vengeance, or he doesn't want it any more? in its place a memory capable of extinguishing the ember that flickers so weakly within him. It is a memory he long ago forsook, a memory of the event that first began the unraveling of his wits and brought him to the precipice of insanity on which he is perched. It was a vision he had expelled from his mind, the image of the villain knelt before him, the wretches final act of treachery robbing him of the reprisal he sought by ending his own life.

 

It is to the effigy of this memory that the Wayfarer now unwittingly ventures. His shadow was cast by its silhouette, a manifested fragment of the truth that lingers ever still in the depths of his mind, its purpose to guide him back to the truths full form. He will be faced with a choice then, between the acceptance of the truth, and the closure that will bring, or its denial, and the continued descent into insanity from which there will be no return.

 

okay, i really worry about this. you have several paragraphs with no clear plot, no clear stakes, nothing.

just looked above, I agree with the above comments. You still have a long way to go if publication is your goal. 

i've been asking for more crits on mine, but it's almost ready for publication. maybe take a look to see the more general approach to a query? http://agentquerycon...ry-ya-fantasy/ 

hang in there, you'll get the hang of it soon! :) 



#9 Nessa

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 08:25 PM



Revision 2:

For longer than the reach of memory ​[I know you're going for the fantasy feel, but this feels awkward.]Aëros Arûaë​[I really would consider changing the name. All those fancy accents are difficult to replicate on a keyboard for most people, and I doubt most people know how to pronounce that.], otherwise known as the Wayfarer, has been hunting the villain responsible for dragging him to the precipice of insanity​[Pretty but vague. You'll want to be specific in queries. Who is the villain, how was he dragged to insanity, etc. Look at the successful queries forum for examples.], and leaving him suspended over its brink.​[Is he going to kill himself? Is he going to start a war? Be more specific.]

 

Guided by a symptom of his unraveling sanity​[Vague.], a shadow that walks beside him even under shroud of night​[If this is a literal shadow that follows him (creative, I like it), then put that at the start of this sentence. Queries are short, so you want every segment of a sentence to have vital information.], he will embark upon the final span of his journey for reprisal​[Vague.]. It is a venture that will take him from the regions of the world both fair and flourishing, to those harrowed by a lingering corruption that seeks only to defile and desecrate​[You're going too far into pretty prose. At this point I don't know anything specific about the plot.]. It is a corruption left by the villain he hunts, a remnant of the malevolence he spread during an Age since passed into the annals of memory.

 

Yet for Aëros such a past is more than a memory. For him it is an ever present suffering. It is the vision of his world engulfed in an inferno, the smell of cruor pooling beneath the corpses of those he cherished, the sound of their pleading, of rope catching, and flesh rending. It is the sense of helplessness, of fear, of indecision and failure that overcome him in his moments of solitude. It is all that drives him now as his mind drifts towards insanity, the final smoldering ember of his spirit, feeding on one thing only; his desire for vengeance.

 

But Aëros will find at his journeys conclusion an end devoid of vengeance, in its place a memory capable of extinguishing the ember that flickers so weakly within him. It is a memory he long ago forsook, a memory of the event that first began the unraveling of his wits and brought him to the precipice of insanity on which he is perched. It was a vision he had expelled from his mind, the image of the villain knelt before him, the wretches final act of treachery robbing him of the reprisal he sought by ending his own life.

 

It is to the effigy of this memory that the Wayfarer now unwittingly ventures. His shadow was cast by its silhouette, a manifested fragment of the truth that lingers ever still in the depths of his mind, its purpose to guide him back to the truths full form. He will be faced with a choice then, between the acceptance of the truth, and the closure that will bring, or its denial, and the continued descent into insanity from which there will be no return.

 

​I'm going to stop critiquing inside the query because your overall problem is vagueness. A query should have a protagonist, conflict, and stakes. Protagonist = Aeros, conflict = [something specific], stakes = [the consequences if Aeros fails]. Here's an example of a successful query that I really enjoy: https://kalynjosephs...iting-my-query/ Check it out, and even use the guidelines to write your next draft.


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#10 Springfield

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 09:09 PM

Revision 2:

For longer than the reach of memory Aëros Arûaë, otherwise known as the Wayfarer, has been hunting the villain responsible for dragging him to the precipice of insanity, and leaving him suspended over its brink.

 

Guided by a symptom of his unraveling sanity, a shadow that walks beside him even under shroud of night, he will embark upon the final span of his journey for reprisal. It is a venture that will take him from the regions of the world both fair and flourishing, to those harrowed by a lingering corruption that seeks only to defile and desecrate. It is a corruption left by the villain he hunts, a remnant of the malevolence he spread during an Age since passed into the annals of memory.

 

Yet for Aëros such a past is more than a memory. For him it is an ever present suffering. It is the vision of his world engulfed in an inferno, the smell of cruor pooling beneath the corpses of those he cherished, the sound of their pleading, of rope catching, and flesh rending. It is the sense of helplessness, of fear, of indecision and failure that overcome him in his moments of solitude. It is all that drives him now as his mind drifts towards insanity, the final smoldering ember of his spirit, feeding on one thing only; his desire for vengeance.

 

But Aëros will find at his journeys conclusion an end devoid of vengeance, in its place a memory capable of extinguishing the ember that flickers so weakly within him. It is a memory he long ago forsook, a memory of the event that first began the unraveling of his wits and brought him to the precipice of insanity on which he is perched. It was a vision he had expelled from his mind, the image of the villain knelt before him, the wretches final act of treachery robbing him of the reprisal he sought by ending his own life.

 

It is to the effigy of this memory that the Wayfarer now unwittingly ventures. His shadow was cast by its silhouette, a manifested fragment of the truth that lingers ever still in the depths of his mind, its purpose to guide him back to the truths full form. He will be faced with a choice then, between the acceptance of the truth, and the closure that will bring, or its denial, and the continued descent into insanity from which there will be no return.

 

This is also not a query. No one is going to sit and parse this. Just say what ACTUALLY HAPPENS, in 200 words.

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

Revision 1:

For longer than the recollection of memory Aëros Arûaë, otherwise known as ‘The Wayfarer’, has been hunting the villain responsible for dragging him to the precipice of insanity, and leaving him suspended on its ephemeral brink.

 

Guided by a hallucinatory symptom of his dwindling sanity, a vociferous shadow that lingers both in the light of day, and under shroud of night, he will embark upon the final span of his vengeful journey. It is a venture that will take him from the luminous regions of his world that he loves, to those harrowed by eldritch shadows older than the form that cast them.

 

Along the way he will find the aid of old comrades both expected and unlooked for, Weave the very Threads of existence themselves for both survival and amusement, pit himself against the few relics of corruption that still lurk in the forlorn parts of the world, all the while listening to the unrelenting echoes of his shadow as it reveals more and more of the past he has forsaken, and of the somber memories that await him at his journeys conclusion.

 

In the end Aëros will find something quite different to the vengeance he has been searching for, something his shadow has long warned him of, something he has ignored for even longer still. He will find there at his journeys end one thing only; a choice. Between the aureate lie that has guided him for longer than the recollection of memory, and the sorrowful truth of his past, and the serenity he may find in its acceptance.

 

 

It is a choice that will sunder him, reveal to him all he has forgotten, and bring him back to the reality of the precipice on which he is stood. It is on the precipice he must choose, lest he wander an eternity a withering husk, succumbing to the hollowness that is slowly overtaking him, cursed to insanity until the memory of time itself evanescence into phantasmal wisps of nothingness.

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Original:

Tales of Adventure: The Wayfarer, is an 80,000-word adult Fantasy story that follows Aëros Arûaë, otherwise known as The Wayfarer, as he journeys in search of the villain responsible for dragging him to the precipice of insanity, and leaving him there. Aëros seeks from this agent of the eldritch and the corrupted one thing only; his life, in payment for those he took. But the vengeance he seeks is a boon that has been long lost to him, one stolen by the villain himself as he ended his own life, a final effort of treachery, and condemnation aimed to rob the Wayfarer of the reprisal that was his due.
 
When that final fragment of purpose was torn from him, Aëros’s mind slipped, and he forsook the truth in favor of an aureate lie. He told himself that the villain had merely escaped into the shadows, a failure that was lesser than the reality, more bearable, and soothing even as his mind hollowed from his untruth. But he knew that such a falsehood would serve only as a temporary salve to his affliction, and would one day need to choose; between the cathartic illusion he wove, and the oppressive axiom he spurned. Before succumbing to the weakness of his will he hid a reminder of the truth at the conclusion of a journey of which he was the architect. He painted it with a falsehood he could bear, a goal that would drive him forward without relent; the villain.

 
It was then he buried the truth in his mind, and from its festering form was cast a symptom of his dwindling sanity. A shadow that lingered both in the light of day, and under shroud of night, a final tether to the forgotten memory that fragmented him. It was purposed to guide him to the conclusion of the journey he had crafted, to the choice he had hidden there for himself to find. A choice between the tranquil illusion of the present, inevitably succumbing to the hollowness that was overtaking him, and would curse him to wander an eternity a withering husk devoid of his sanity, or the sorrowful depth of his past, and the serenity he would find in its acceptance.
 
As the Wayfarer embarks on this journey, unwitting of what he left for himself at its end, he will cross lands long lost to the decay of time, meet with friends both expected and unlooked for, pit himself against the few relics of corruption that still lurk in the forlorn parts of the world, and Weave the Threads of existence themselves as he ventures between the infinitude of realms that compose the Tapestry in his search for vengeance, a search that will in the end lead him only to truth, and the choice between it and insanity.



#11 Wayfarer

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 03:20 PM

Thank you both for your help!

I've made another major revision in an attempt to refine the vagueness of the story.

As always I appreciate any advice and critique offered, it's been of great use so far.



#12 Springfield

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 06:55 PM

That doesn't read any differently to me. 

 

Can you try saying, simply and clearly what happens, in 200 words or fewer?



#13 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 07:09 PM

Hello! I'm not going to rewrite your whole query (time-consuming, yikes!), but right now it's filled with tons of purple prose. It's okay to include some style and flair, but be succinct, direct, and easily comprehensible. Imagine every word costs $10. Imagine the agent is going to skim the letter in under a minute. 

 

Example: For longer than the reach of memory, Aëros Arûaë, well known as the Wayfarer, has been hunting the villain responsible for dragging him to the precipice of insanity and leaving him suspended over its brink.

 

Aeros Aruae, known as the Wayfarer, is hunting the villain who [did what to him, exactly?].

 

Good luck!



#14 Wayfarer

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 11:43 PM

Revision 4 is posted, and is considerably stripped down from what it was, sitting at 292 words now.



#15 Springfield

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 11:55 PM

As you don't seem willing to conform to general query standards, or write in any manner but the florid way you prefer -- I'd suggest you try to find agents who might be interested in this kind of thing and submit to them, or small, independent presses that take unsolicited subs.



#16 Wayfarer

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 12:06 AM

As you don't seem willing to conform to general query standards, or write in any manner but the florid way you prefer -- I'd suggest you try to find agents who might be interested in this kind of thing and submit to them, or small, independent presses that take unsolicited subs.

It's not that I'm not willing, it's that I'm confused. Should the query not maintain some semblance of the writers personal style? Does my query not have the aspects of character(Aeros), plot(Journey), conflict/stakes(Insanity/no insanity)? Or are they just that hard to extract from what I've written?



#17 Springfield

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 12:09 AM

It's not that I'm not willing, it's that I'm confused. Should the query not maintain some semblance of the writers personal style? Does my query not have the aspects of character(Aeros), plot(Journey), conflict/stakes(Insanity/no insanity)? Or are they just that hard to extract from what I've written?

 

There's voice and then there's writing a query that reads like an excerpt. A query is a business letter.

 

If you can't manage to convey, in simple, clear language, the character, problem and stakes, in 200 words, then, well, see above. There may be some agent or indie house that is interested in this. Otherwise, people expect queries to read like queries. 



#18 Mdane

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 12:43 AM

Revision 4:

Aëros Arûaë, well known as the Wayfarer, is hunting the villain responsible for dragging him to the precipice of insanity on which he is now so ephemerally balanced. The wretch massacred all that Aëros held dear, leaving him with but a single purpose; (should use a colon) vengeance.

 

Guided now by a symptom of his unraveling sanity, a shadow that walks beside him that only he can see, the Wayfarer will at last come to the conclusion of his arduous quest. However, he will not find there the revenge that has been his purpose, in its place he will rediscover a memory he long ago forsook. ​(I think these sentences would be stronger in present tense. "The Wayfarer at last arrives at the conclusion of his arduous quest. However he finds not the revenge..." Just my opinion though)  It is the memory of the villain’s final act of treachery, the memory of him ending his own life in an effort to rob Aëros of the reprisal that was so rightly his due. (Nice!)

 

The Wayfarer refused to accept his failure then, placing in its stead a lie which he could bear; that the villain still lives. He ventures now in search of revenge he cannot find, his true goal, known only to him in the depths of his unconscious mind, to undo the insanity that is consuming him. Along the way he will find the aid of old comrades both expected and unlooked for, Weave the very Threads of existence themselves, face relics of corruption from a forlorn Age, all the while listening to his shadow as it seeks to remind him of the memories he has so deeply repressed and now journeys unwittingly towards. (This paragraph combines both present tense and future tense)

 

When he at last comes upon the truth he will be faced with a choice; use a colon to accept his failure, and welcome the closure that will bring, or deny it, and continue his descent into the abyss of insanity from which there is no return.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

I really like the idea for your novel, especial the twist the villain had. Just with your style of writing this, you are using both present and future tense "He ventures" vs "he will" if you understand my meaning. I believe present tense to be much stronger and better suited to a query letter.

 

I hope this helps :)  If you get time, can you please check out my query The Other Side of Blood


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#19 Wayfarer

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 01:03 AM

Attempt 5 is up, and it's 202 words now.



#20 Sataris

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 01:37 AM

Revision 5:

Aëros Arûaë, known also as the Wayfarer, has found finds himself balanced on the brink of insanity after the villain he has long sought to slay instead kills himself in an effort to steal from him confusing reference the euphoria of vengeance. This would read much more clearly if you said spoil his vengeance, etc.

 

In that moment Aëros denied the truth, repressing the memory as he affected in its place a falsehood he could bear; that the villain still lived, and he would find his reprisal still. He journeys now towards this illusory end, guided by a shadow that only he can see, a hallucination manifested from his denial. Along the way he will find the aid of old comrades both expected and unlooked for, Weave the very Threads of existence themselves, face relics of corruption from a forlorn Age, all the while listening to his shadow as it struggles to remind him of what he will truly find at his journeys conclusionThese lines are pure synopsis, and they're too vague to mean anything to us; we don't know what the threads are so they aren't compelling, ditto the relics, ditto what he'll find at the end of his journey.

 

In the end the Wayfarer will be faced with a choice, one that he has made before, one he will never be able to make again; to accept his failure, and welcome the closure acceptance will bring, or deny it, and continue his descent into the abyss of insanity from which there is no returnThese are false stakes; there's no conflict between these two. He can either find closure by accepting his failure, or go totally insane- not really a choice, no reason to choose insanity

 

This is better than the last one, but there are still some tense issues, and it seems like the better part of half of the query is just telling us what's already happened. The rest says he goes on a journey, but we don't really know what that entails at all (or how one goes about searching for someone who is already dead). You might consider trying to find a point early on in the novel where the MC is at a crossroads and has to make a choice between two bad options: it seems like you're jumping all the way to the end of your book here. Hope that was helpful! Best of luck.


No current query.





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    Arcanjoe