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Tales of Adventure: The Wayfarer [Adult (Psychological) Fantasy] - Critique for Critique


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#201 Phaust

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 11:25 AM

Revision 76:

Aëros can’t recall when the shadow first appeared, or why. A doppelganger only he can see, it accompanies him through the world of Eave, revealing to him grim visions it claims are memories of the past.

 

The visions show Aëros a world laid to ruin by the depraved Necromancer, Athair. The forests have withered, the seas have dried, and all of Aëros’ kith and kin lay dead. But Eave has met no such end. Athair was thwarted, his designs of war waylaid. Spurred on by his shadow, Aëros now hunts Athair, seeking to prevent him from ever regaining power, the shadow trailing him every step of the way. Fine as is. But this MIGHT be better in the sense it gives more agency to the shadow and more reason to Aeros' hunt.

 

As Aëros draws near to Athair, the unwelcome visions acquire the familiarity of memory. As he questions his sanity, become more familiar, leading Aëros to wonder if they truly are memories. The shadow urges Aëros onwards, assuring assures him that he will find the truth with Athair. Yet with Aëros’ mind sanity is swiftly unraveling, and the shadow warns him that if he does not hurry and find the villain, he will lose what little of it remains.

 

 

 

Yes, the end is much better, the stakes made more clear. I played with it a little. Nothing major. I think this is a pretty good QL. Ready for rejections! :tongue:  Hopefully not too many. 



#202 Wayfarer

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 02:09 PM

I really liked the, "acquire the familiarity of memory" phrasing, Phaust.

As for adding agency to the shadow, it doesn't have any in the story. It's a follower, a subordinate character. I know there's fudge room in the query, but I don't know if I want to fudge that, or if it's even needed.

 

77 is up.



#203 JDSmith

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 04:24 PM

Revision 77:

Aëros can’t recall when the shadow first appeared, or why. A doppelganger only he can see, it accompanies him through the world of Eave, revealing to him grim visions it claims are memories of the past.

 

The visions show Aëros a world laid to ruin by the depraved Necromancer, Athair. The forests have withered, the seas have dried, and all of Aëros’ kith and kin lay dead. But Eave has met no such end. Athair was thwarted, his designs of war waylaid. With the shadow trailing him every step of the way, Aëros seeks to bring an end to Athair and his malevolence. (I thought he was seeing "memories" I'm confused.

 

As Aëros draws near to Athair, the shadow’s visions acquire the familiarity of memory, (I thought you already said this?) leading Aëros to question his sanity. As his uncertainty grows, his grasp on reality lessens. The shadow warns him that the truth rests with Athair, and that only in finding the villain will Aëros be able to preserve what little of his sanity remains.

 

Lol when I read "kith" I couldn't get Mike Tyson trying to say "kiss" out of my head. I'm hooked, but also don't feel a sense of stakes. First Paragraph is strong. Second gets confusing right here. Same with the third paragraph. 

 

Just needs a little reworking. The concept is super cool, you just need to give that POW


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#204 mkuriel

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 05:16 PM

Aëros can’t recall when the shadow first appeared, or why. A doppelganger only he can see, it accompanies him through the world of Eave, revealing to him grim visions it claims are memories of the past.

 

This is well written, but fails for me as a hook because I get no sense of the stakes or plot. It's just interesting, but not compelling.

 

Maybe: Aeros can't recall when the doppelganger first appeared, or why only he can see it. It follows him, revealing grim visions it claims are memories essential to stopping a depraved Necromancer. Aeros just hopes he isn't insane.

 

The visions show Aëros a world laid to ruin by the depraved Necromancer, Athair.[cut because I included in hook] The forests have withered, the seas have dried, and all of Aëros’ kith and kin lay dead. But Eave has met no such end. Athair was thwarted, his designs of war waylaid. With the shadow trailing him every step of the way, Aëros seeks to bring an end to Athair and his malevolence. [jumped from past to present tense in the last sentence - I think it's intentional because I understand why you do it. Unfortunately, it also confuses things, see next paragraph]

 

I get from this paragraph that the doppleganger delivers memories of what happened when Athair won, and now Aeros needs to experience the events that would keep those memories from coming true. The trouble is the red sentences. The first implies a transition from the visions and the second implies visions of Aeros' victory. The last sentence is a clear indication of Aeros' actions outside the visions. I can follow it, I think, but it will probably confuse most people.

 

The other problem is that I've no idea of Aeros' character from this paragraph.

 

Suggest: Desperate to avert this trajedy, Aeros' demands visions of stopping Athair. As they near the Necromancer, the dark visions intensify, acquiring the familiarity of memory. Hopeless, Aeros questions his sanity.

 

As Aëros draws near to Athair, the shadow’s visions acquire the familiarity of memory, leading Aëros to question his sanity. As his uncertainty grows, his grasp on reality lessens. [cut because included above or so obvious as to be redundant] The shadow warns him that the truth rests with Athair, and that only in finding the villain will Aëros be able to preserve what little of his sanity remains.

 

Is he saving his Sanity, the world, or both?

 

I'm going to wrap up the rest of my response by putting my suggestions all in one place:

 

 

 Aeros can't recall when the doppelganger first appeared, or why only he can see it. It follows him, revealing grim visions it claims are memories essential to stopping a depraved Necromancer. Aeros just hopes he isn't insane.

 

The visions show Aëros a world laid to ruin. The forests have withered, the seas have dried, and all of Aëros’ kith and kin lay dead. Desperate to avert this trajedy, Aeros' demands visions of stopping Athair. As they near the Necromancer, the dark visions intensify, acquiring the familiarity of memory. Hopeless, Aeros questions his sanity as his grip on reality lessens. The shadow warns him that the truth rests with Athair, and that only in stopping the villain will Aëros be able to preserve what little of his sanity remains.  

 

[It just needs a showdown sentence to finish it off] Face to face with Athair, Aeros suddenly realizes that the doppelganger is the bruised part of his psyche that, if he follows it's advice, will lead him to become the very thing he wants to stop.

 

I added the last bit because, other than having this doppelganger giving him 'memories' I've no idea what makes Aeros the protagonist. Unless, of course, he feels so guilty about becoming a depraved Necromancer that his own madness and dark power reach back in time to warn him that kith and kin are not improved by reanimation.

 

I have a fever, and the only cure is more Aeros. His personality, his anguish - get him into the query so we can empathize. Otherwise, readers might conclude that the real solution involves a straight jacket and padded walls (because insanity makes people uncomfortable) - or worse, reading something else.

 

Hope this crazy otter's feedback helps,

 

I would appreciate feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...e-high-fantasy/



#205 Wayfarer

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Posted 16 March 2018 - 01:00 AM

Lol when I read "kith" I couldn't get Mike Tyson trying to say "kiss" out of my head. I'm hooked, but also don't feel a sense of stakes. First Paragraph is strong. Second gets confusing right here. Same with the third paragraph. 

 

Just needs a little reworking. The concept is super cool, you just need to give that POW

I don't really understand your confusion.

 

I said he's seeing visions the shadow claims are memory, I figured that implies that Aeros doesn't buy them. Especially when I follow what the visions shows with 'But Eave has met no such end'.  I follow that by saying as Aeros gets close to Athair, the visions begin to feel like memory, where they didn't before, only the shadow had said they were.

 

Is this just not clear enough in the query?



#206 Wayfarer

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Posted 16 March 2018 - 01:47 AM

78 is up.






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