Wayfarer: Congratulations on your exciting fantasy. You have worked hard revising the query and we all know how difficult it is to write. I am making some general suggestions and will crit the letter. First, read the how to write a query. It should
fit on one double spaced page and that will be about 300 words. Many of your sentences are over
30-42 words which is considered long.
The hook is the key to the first paragraph: the hero wanders in a new world and is almost insane because Athair destroyed his world. I strongly recommend reading the section entitled ‘successful queries’ and you will see what it took to get an agent’s attention. Three years ago, like you, I posted and reposted my letter. Then, I began reading about queries and found out what was needed: Hook, short synopsis of the action in the second paragraph, and information about your genre. I recommend reading your changes out loud to see if the sentences and phrases can be shortened or eliminated. Sometimes the result will be clarity.
Below I have made changes and the ( ) indicate to delete an unnecessary phrase or use another one. The problem with the second paragraph is that it is too abstract. Tell me what happened. A) he used his powers of _. B) he recovered his sanity and x, y, z. Don’t rush it.
Start with reading the great letters, and write simple sentences using action verbs. It sounds exciting. Good luck and persevere. Billy
The Wayfarer, Aëros Arûaë, finds himself balanced on the precipice of insanity as he wanders through a new world (delete that is not his own).
After Athair, (delete:the villain who) destroyed( responsible for the genocide of) the Wayfarer’s (home) world, he kills himself, despoiling (another word) Aëros of the(change to his) vengeance( delete: that was his due), he is left with a choice: to accept his failure, or fight (long sentence). He chooses the latter, and Weaves the Threads of Aūr to open a Rift (not sure why caps; also, change this to action verbs. He fights with his powers; something that we can see; I am not sure what the weaving is) into a new reality, one that(delete :is a reflection of: change to reflects; also, getting abstract; tell us in simple terms what he did ) his own in all but one way. In this reality Athair’s genocide was thwarted (active) by an Aëros who’s ( now lies) dead.
As the Aëros who fled from his reality takes the place of his fallen self( vague, hard to visualize)(,) he renews his purpose by lying ( with a simple lie) He claims Athair lives and seeks revenge (use active verb). He journeys for ( now in search of his unattainable) revenge( already said), led by a hallucination: that he is ___ ( use 3-4 words) (born from the aspect of himself that wishes to accept the truth he has repressed). It manifests as a shadow visible only to him, and from its guiding whispers he believes he has uncovered the refuge of the villain: a crumbling fortress set in the heart of a great necropolis known as the Barrows(39 words). But his shadows worlds are filled (active verb) with deceit. Its true purpose is to guide him to the one thing that will force him to confront the truth: the grave of the Aëros he has replaced.
The Wayfarer must reach the grave before his mind unravels (overwhelms him), (for it is only there that he can remake the choice he has already made once before). To either accept the memory he has repressed, and the consuming anguish remembrance will bring, or refuse it once again, choosing to dwell in a false world as he descends into the abyss of insanity from which there is( shorten to of) no return.
I hope to post my new query in a week: The Masters of Mankind. Thanks.