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#1 Wil

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Posted 07 January 2018 - 11:51 PM

Latest version at post 9. 

 

 

 

 

Hey everyone,

 

My query letter's done, but I know many agents like to see the book's synopsis too. I just wanted to get a few opinions to see if mine does the right job. Happy to crit back. 

 

Thank you. 

 

 

 

 

After the zombie outbreak, the elves, vampires and other mythical creatures revealed themselves to humanity, in order to save it.

 

In this post-apocalyptic future, half-zombie TATE ROPER is reviled by all groups of people, the humans, the wizards and even the other Mythies. The only thing that stops Tate from ending it all and seeing his family in the afterlife are his fellow monster hunters and his mentor JOVE, who saved him from public execution.

 

Tate works in the smog-stained city of New London, renowned for its murder rate and magic abuse. It’s Tate’s job to destroy any monsters roaming the city, and to capture any law-breaking Mythies who are a danger to civilians. Tate and his team are on a routine mission when they discover the bodies of several wizards. It seems the rumours he’s heard of a serial killer targeting wizards is true.

 

Not long after Tate returns home to inform Jove about the whole mess, the militia are at their door, arresting Jove for the crimes. Jove claims to have been framed, but Tate only has mere days to prove his innocence before his mentor is executed.   

 

Jove saved Tate from his own execution, he needs to return the favour, or die trying. To do so, Tate has to figure out the real killer and hunt him down in time. He starts by questioning a nest of vampires, who lead him to a faerie drug dealer. Tate gains two strong leads, but as he can’t follow both at once, he decides to follow his lead in London and sends fellow hunter ESPERANZA MASANDA to chase down their suspect outside the city.

 

Esperanza sets out across the zombie clogged wastes between cities in her Battle-Car, heading toward a camp of wasteraiders, one of whom may be the killer. Along the way, Esper is followed by the enigmatic DORIAN. Esper is furious as he accompanies her across the wastes, refuting his claims that her father sent him to be her bodyguard, since she could kick his ass any day. Although she can feel her attraction to Dorian growing, Esper focuses on the job, learning the perp she thought was the killer has been recently killed himself.

 

Meanwhile, Tate’s investigation leads him next to a nightclub where his gorgon ex-girlfriend works. Unfortunately, all clues so far point to his new girlfriend, SHARN. Tate also works out each wizard victim are related, and that there seems to be one victim left who the killer will go after next. However, this victim is the same wizard responsible for accidentally unleashing the zombies who killed Tate’s family.

 

After being chased by a gang of wasteraiders and their weaponised cars, Esper and Dorian uncover damning evidence, which also points to Sharn being the killer. Esper joins up with Tate before they head to the home of the final victim. Once inside, they see Sharn and arrest her, only to discover who the real killer is and how she framed both Jove and Sharn.

 

The killer is a fellow hunter Tate interacted with several times in the novel, seeking revenge against the wizards who killed her son. She tries to convince Tate to murder the last victim on her list for her, and Tate is tempted to seek revenge himself. He almost gives in, before realising becoming a murderer won’t bring his family back. After a struggle, Tate tries to apprehend the killer, but she refuses to be taken alive. Fortunately, enough evidence is at the scene to prove Jove’s innocence and he’s set free.

 

The story ends with Tate recovering from his injuries, his suicidal thoughts temporarily at bay as he looks forward to going out with Esper and his friends to hunt down a pack of ghouls in the city. Jove also receives a message about the gang’s next monster hunting job. 



#2 Wil

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 11:28 PM

bump



#3 galaxyspinner

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Posted 09 January 2018 - 01:09 PM

After the zombie outbreak, the elves, vampires and other mythical creatures revealed themselves to humanity, (You could do without this comma) in order to save it.

 

In this post-apocalyptic future, half-zombie TATE ROPER (To my knowledge, you don't use bold text in a synopsis) is reviled by all groups of people, (I'd use a colon here) the humans, the wizards and even the other Mythies (I like that you use this word without explicitly defining it; it gives the audience credit). The only thing that stops Tate from ending it all and seeing his family in the afterlife are his fellow monster hunters and his mentor JOVE, who saved him from public execution.

 

Tate works in the smog-stained city of New London, renowned (consider "notorious"; "renowned" has a positive connotation) for its murder rate and magic abuse. It’s Tate’s job to destroy any monsters roaming the city, and to capture any law-breaking Mythies who are a danger to civilians. Tate and his team are on a routine mission when they discover the bodies of several wizards. It seems the rumours he’s heard of a serial killer targeting wizards is true.

 

Not long after Tate returns home to inform Jove about the whole mess, the militia are at their door, arresting Jove for the crimes. Jove claims to have been framed, but Tate only has mere days to prove his innocence before his mentor is executed.   

 

Jove saved Tate from his own execution, (This sentence would read better with a conjunction, or possibly a semicolon.) he needs to return the favour, or die trying. To do so, Tate has to figure out the real killer and hunt him down in time (This statement goes without saying). He starts by questioning a nest of vampires, who lead him to a faerie drug dealer. Tate gains two strong leads, but as he can’t follow both at once, he decides to follow his lead in London and sends fellow hunter ESPERANZA MASANDA to chase down their suspect outside the city.

 

Esperanza sets out across the zombie clogged wastes between cities in her Battle-Car, heading toward a camp of wasteraiders, one of whom may be the killer. Along the way, Esper is followed by the enigmatic DORIAN. Esper is furious as he accompanies her across the wastes, refuting his claims that her father sent him to be her bodyguard, since she could kick his ass any day. Although she can feel her attraction to Dorian growing, Esper focuses on the job, learning the perp she thought was the killer has been recently killed himself.

 

Meanwhile, Tate’s investigation leads him next to a nightclub where his gorgon ex-girlfriend works. Unfortunately, all clues so far point to his new girlfriend, SHARN. Tate also works out each wizard victim are ("each" is singular, so it would be "each is related") related, and that there seems to be one victim left who the killer will go after next. However, this victim is the same wizard responsible for accidentally unleashing the zombies who killed Tate’s family.

 

After being chased by a gang of wasteraiders and their weaponised cars, Esper and Dorian uncover damning evidence, which also points to Sharn being the killer. Esper joins up with Tate before they head to the home of the final victim. Once inside, they see Sharn and arrest her, only to discover who the real killer is and how she framed both Jove and Sharn.

 

The killer is a fellow hunter Tate interacted with several times in the novel (I'm not sure about getting meta in a synopsis; you might be able to get away with it, but you may be better served by introducing this character earlier), seeking revenge against the wizards who killed her son. She tries to convince Tate to murder the last victim on her list for her, and Tate is tempted to seek revenge himself. He almost gives in, before realising becoming a murderer won’t bring his family back. After a struggle, Tate tries to apprehend the killer, but she refuses to be taken alive. Fortunately, enough evidence is at the scene to prove Jove’s innocence and he’s set free.

 

The story ends with Tate recovering from his injuries, his suicidal thoughts temporarily at bay as he looks forward to going out with Esper and his friends to hunt down a pack of ghouls in the city. Jove also receives a message about the gang’s next monster hunting job.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#4 Wil

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 04:40 PM

Thanks a lot Galaxy.

 

Yes, I'd heard for names that some bold it and some agents prefer caps, so I did both. :) But I'll change it to just caps now. 

 

I'll also fix the grammar issues and rethink the meta lines. 

 

Thanks again.



#5 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 09:31 PM

After the zombie outbreak, the elves, vampires and other mythical creatures revealed themselves in order to save humanity. to humanity, in order to save it. [I had to read this twice to get the meaning. Once I understood I was like ahhh that's so cool! But I think rephrasing it slightly will make it smoother. UPDATE: Upon rereading this hook I'm wondering whether it really relates to the rest of the book. The synopsis can easily begin with the next paragraph. Kill your darlings?]

 

In this a post-apocalyptic future, half-zombie TATE ROPER is reviled by all groups of people, the humans, the wizards and even the other Mythies. The only thing that stops Tate from ending it all [if there are suicidal thoughts in the book, definitely keep this. If there aren't, take it out, just in case agents are like 'this is too dark for me...'] and seeing his family in the afterlife are his fellow monster hunters and his mentor JOVE, who saved him from public execution.

 

Tate works in the smog-stained city of New London, renowned for its murder rate and magic abuse [what's magic abuse?]. It’s Tate’s job to destroy any monsters roaming the city, and to capture any law-breaking Mythies who are a danger to civilians. Tate and his team are on a routine mission when they discover the bodies of several wizards. It seems the rumours he’s heard of a serial killer targeting wizards is true [mention the rumors before he finds the bodies. That way it'll feel suspenseful rather than like an info dump.].

 

Not long after Tate returns home to inform Jove about the whole mess, the militia are at their door, arresting Jove for the crimes. Jove claims to have been framed, but Tate only has mere days [I don't prefer 'only' or 'mere,' so choose one but don't use both. Also, I would replace the 'but' with 'and.'] to prove his innocence before his mentor is executed.   

 

Jove saved Tate from his own execution. h He needs to return the favour, or die trying. To do so, Tate has to figure out the real killer and hunt him down in time. He [I started editing this before realizing none of it was needed.] Jove starts by questioning a nest of vampires, who lead him to a faerie drug dealer. Tate gains two strong leads, but as he can’t follow both at once, he decides to follow his lead in London and sends fellow hunter ESPERANZA MASANDA to chase down their suspect outside the city.

 

[the shift confuses me] Esperanza sets out across the zombie clogged wastes between cities in her Battle-Car, heading toward a camp of wasteraiders, one of whom may be the killer. Along the way, Esper is followed by the enigmatic DORIAN, who claims Esper's father sent him to be her bodyguard. Esper is furious as he accompanies her across the wastes, refuting his claims that her father sent him to be her bodyguard, since she could kick his ass any day. Although she can feel her attraction to Dorian growing [if I were an agent, I might stop reading here, because this was a big whaaat? I liked Tate, but now the query has abruptly shifted characters without warning. It told me Esper was an ass-kicker, but now she has a crush for no reason that's written here. UPDATE: After reading the whole synopsis, I don't see why Dorian needs to be mentioned at all.], Esper focuses on the job, learning the perp she thought was the killer has been recently killed himself.

 

Meanwhile, Tate’s investigation leads him next to a nightclub where his gorgon ex-girlfriend works [lol I like this - but again with the weird shift]. Unfortunately, all clues so far point to his new girlfriend, SHARN. Tate also works out each wizard victim are related, and that there seems to be one victim left who the killer will go after next. However, this victim is the same wizard responsible for accidentally unleashing the zombies who killed Tate’s family.

 

After being chased by a gang of wasteraiders and their weaponised cars [Is the chase an important detail or can you delete?], Esper and Dorian uncover damning evidence, which also points to Sharn being the killer [how? too vague.]. Esper joins up with Tate before they head to the home of the final victim. At the home of the final victim, Esper and Tate see Sharn and arrest her, only to discover who the real killer is and how she framed both Jove and Sharn [tell us how to 1. make us care and 2. show the agent your book doesn't suck and have stupid justifications for things. REVEAL ALL.].

 

The killer is a fellow hunter Tate interacted with several times in the novel [no booo, SHOW US the sneaky interactions earlier. Do not assume the agent is going to give your manuscript the benefit of the doubt and think your twist is super awesome. You gotta prove it. I was a slush pile reader and read promises of twists all the time, and no matter how much potential I thought a manuscript had, my agent always gave these kinds of synopses passes. You're basically asking them to read your book to see how cool it is - and I get why that is sooo tempting, but agents are too busy.], seeking revenge against the wizards who killed her son. She tries to convince Tate to murder the last victim on her list for her, and Tate is tempted to seek revenge himself. He almost gives in, before realising becoming a murderer won’t bring his family back. After a struggle, Tate tries to apprehend the killer, but she refuses to be taken alive. Fortunately, enough evidence is at the scene to prove Jove’s innocence and he’s set free.

 

The story ends with Tate recovering from his injuries, his suicidal thoughts temporarily at bay as he looks forward to going out with Esper and his friends to hunt down a pack of ghouls in the city. Jove also receives a message about the gang’s next monster hunting job.

 

Regarding the bold or caps thing - speaking from work experience, it doesn't matter if you do one or both, as long as you don't do neither. I always liked bolded names because it was easier to find the important characters after squinting at the slush pile for 3 hours. If an agent turns you away for excess bolding, they're terrible people who you wouldn't want to work with anyway. :)

 

This needs restructuring, but I hope this helps. Your story sounds interesting and the world-building sounds delightful and fresh. Mysteries are probably the hardest to write about in synopses, so try reading lots of successful examples. Good luck!



#6 smithgirl

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 03:46 PM

After the zombie outbreak, the elves, vampires and other mythical creatures revealed themselves to humanity, in order to save it.

 

In this post-apocalyptic future, half-zombie TATE ROPER Character names only need to be in caps (not bold). is reviled by everyone: all groups of people, the humans, the wizards comma and even the other Mythies. I wonder if you could quickly define Mythies? The only thing that stops Tate from ending it all and seeing his family in the afterlife are his fellow monster hunters and his mentor JOVE, who saved him from public execution.

 

Tate works in the smog-stained city of New London, renowned for its murder rate and magic abuse. Abuse of or by magic? It’s Tate’s job to destroy any monsters roaming the city, and to capture any law-breaking Mythies who pose are a danger to civilians. Tate and his team are on a routine mission when they discover the bodies of several wizards. It seems the rumours he’s heard of a serial killer targeting wizards is true.

 

Not long after Tate returns home to inform Jove about the whole mess, the militia are at their his door, arresting Jove for the crimes. Jove claims to have been framed, and but Tate learns he only has mere days to prove Jove's his innocence before his mentor is executed.   

 

Jove saved Tate from his own execution, he needs to return the favour, or die trying. To do so, Tate has to find figure out and capture the real killer and hunt him down in time. He starts by questioning a nest of vampires, who lead him to a faerie drug dealer. Tate gains two strong leads, but as he can’t follow both at once, he decides to follow one his lead in London and sends fellow hunter ESPERANZA MASANDA to pursue chase down a different their suspect outside the city.

 

Esperanza sets out across the zombie-clogged wastes between cities in her Battle-Car, heading toward a camp of wasteraiders, one of whom may be the killer. Along the way, Esperanza Keep the same name throughout the synopsis. is followed by the enigmatic DORIAN. Who/what is Dorian? Enigmatic isn't enough. Esper is furious as he accompanies her across the wastes, refuting his claims that her father sent him to be her bodyguard, since she could kick his ass any day. Although she can feel her attraction to Dorian growing, Esper focuses on the job, learning the perp she thought was the killer has been recently killed himself. This part about Dorian feels squeezed in and sudden. He doesn't seem necessary to the synopsis. I would cut Dorina completely. 

 

Meanwhile, Tate’s investigation leads him next to a nightclub where his gorgon ex-girlfriend works. Unfortunately, all clues so far point to his new girlfriend, SHARN. Tate also works out how each wizard victim is are related, and that there seems to be one victim left who the killer will go after next. However, this victim is the same wizard responsible for accidentally unleashing the zombies who killed Tate’s family. What? Wizards killed Tate's family? Can you get this in earlier?

 

After being chased by a gang of wasteraiders and their weaponised cars, Esper and Dorian uncovers damning evidence, which also points to Sharn being the killer. Esper joins up with Tate before they head to the home of the final victim. Once inside, they find see Sharn and arrest her, only to discover who the real killer is and how she framed both Jove and Sharn.

 

The killer is a fellow hunter Tate interacted with several times in the past novel No! Don't mention the novel. Show the interactions. She is seeking revenge against the wizards who killed her son. She tries to convince Tate to murder the last victim on her list for her, Why would Tate do that? Oh, because wizards killed is family. Had to think. and Tate is tempted to seek revenge himself. He almost gives in, before realising that becoming a murderer won’t bring his family back. After a struggle, Tate tries to apprehend the killer, but she refuses to be taken alive. Jove is arrested, but fortunately enough evidence is at the scene to prove his Jove’s innocence and he’s set free.

 

The story ends Don't write something like "The story ends." Stay inside the story. with Tate recovering from his injuries, his suicidal thoughts temporarily Throughout the query, we really lost track of Tate's depression. You should keep that going. at bay as he looks forward to going out with Esper and his friends to hunt down a pack of ghouls in the city. Jove also receives a message about the gang’s next monster hunting job. 

 

So I think your synopsis is pretty good until you get to Dorian. Then it starts to wander. I would cut Dorian; you don't need him.

 

You also kind of drop the suicide part, and it feels like a surprise to read about it again at the end. I would try to work that into the query. You can do it lightly, just hinting at his state of mind. I would try to insert a bit more emotion in general; we need to care about Tate, but I'm not really rooting for him. Show us how he struggles.  Finally, be sure and stay "in-story" -- don't jump out of the synopsis and write something like the story ends. 

 

Can you look at my synopsis when you get a chance? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...revised-post-9/

 



#7 VSChapman

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 04:33 PM

So, I've never read or tried to write a synopsis yet but I was just scrolling around. How is he a half-zombie? I'm confused. 



#8 Wil

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 09:26 PM

Thanks a lot Pigeon, getting advice from a slushpile reader is awesome, I really appreciate it.

 

You're right, I'll take out Dorian and introduce the killer beforehand. 

 

Thanks smithgirl, some really helpful suggestions. I'll definitely take out mentions of the novel and add some more to Tate's character. 

Sure, I'll check out yours now. 

 

 

Hey VS, half-zombie is just a name he gets called. He's basically a zombie who can retain his humanity as long as he keeps up a steady diet of animal brains. If he goes too long without feeding he'll go rabid like a standard zombie. :)



#9 Wil

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 01:44 PM

Okay, here's the newest version. I hope the previous issues have been ironed out now. 

 

Thanks again. :)

 

 

In this post-apocalyptic future, where mythical creatures live amongst mankind, the orphaned half-zombie, TATE ROPER is reviled by everyone. He’s one of the rare undead, who can retain his humanity if he keeps a strict diet of animal brains. Humans, wizards and even other Mythies all believe he’ll infect them just by breathing on them. The only thing that stops Tate from ending it all and seeing his family in the afterlife are his fellow monster hunters and his mentor JOVE.

 

Tate works in the smog-stained city of New London, renowned for its murder rate and corrupt wizard tyrants. It’s Tate’s job to destroy monsters roaming the city, and to capture law-breaking Mythies who endanger the humans. He works with Jove, who not only stopped the wizards from executing Tate for seeking revenge for his parent’s murder, but also helped Tate adjust to life as a Halfdead. Tate and his team are on a routine mission when they discover the bodies of several wizards, the latest victim of a serial killer.

 

Tate returns home to inform Jove, but the police aren’t far behind, led by chief BOSWORTH. Bosworth has hated Tate for years and wastes no time gloating as he arrests Jove for the murders. Bosworth’s lieutenant DOROTHY- a kind elderly woman- tries to reassure Tate and stop him from assaulting police as Jove is taken away. Jove claims to have been framed, but Tate has only days to prove his innocence before Jove’s execution.  

 

Tate and his fellow hunters need to capture the real killer. He starts by questioning a nest of vampires, who lead him to a faerie drug dealer. These recesses of the city are infested with ghouls and as he exorcises them, one ghoul nearly kills him, something Tate almost welcomes. He also struggles with his Halfdead condition, knowing his zombie side really craves human over animal brains. If he gives in and goes rabid, his mind would be lost forever.

 

Tate gains two strong leads, but as he can’t follow both at once, he decides to follow his lead in London and sends fellow hunter ESPERANZA MASANDA to chase down their suspect outside the city.

 

Esperanza sets out across the zombie-clogged wastes in her Battle-Car, heading toward a camp of wasteraiders, one of whom is a suspect. But Esper soon learns the perp she thought was the killer has been recently killed himself.

 

Meanwhile, Tate’s investigation leads him to a nightclub where his gorgon ex-girlfriend works. Unfortunately, all clues so far point to his new girlfriend, SHARN. Tate also works out how each wizard victim is related, and that there’s one victim left the killer will go after next. However, this victim is the same wizard responsible for accidentally unleashing the zombies who killed Tate’s family.

 

After being chased by a gang of wasteraiders and their weaponised cars, Esper uncovers damning evidence, which also points to Sharn being the killer. Esper joins up with Tate before they head to the home of the final victim. Once inside, they find Sharn and arrest her, only to discover Sharn and Jove have both been framed by the real killer, Dorothy.

 

Dorothy explains how the tyrannical wizards killed her son for a minor law-break. She tries to convince Tate to murder the last victim on her list for her, and Tate is tempted to seek revenge himself. He almost gives in, before realising becoming a murderer won’t bring his family back. After a struggle, Tate tries to apprehend Dorothy, but she refuses to be taken alive. Fortunately, enough evidence is at the scene to prove Jove’s innocence and he’s set free.

 

Tate recovers from his injuries back at home, his suicidal thoughts temporarily at bay as he looks forward to going out with Esper and his friends to hunt down a pack of ghouls in the city. Business as usual. Little does he know that a new threat is about to strike London.



#10 Wil

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 11:13 AM

Edit- deleted double post.



#11 Wil

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Posted 17 January 2018 - 11:26 PM

Added some tweaks to the newest version. Hopefully it reads a lot better now. 

 

Thanks again. 



#12 Wil

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 01:13 AM

bump



#13 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 10:33 AM

Okay, here's the newest version. I hope the previous issues have been ironed out now. 

 

Thanks again. :)

 

 

In this post-apocalyptic future, where mythical creatures live amongst mankind, the orphaned half-zombie (I read the previous synopsis and comments to know what half-zombie meant.  Perhaps this would be less confusing to an agent if you wrote "half-zombie" in quotations), TATE ROPER is reviled by everyone. He’s one of the rare undead, who can retain his humanity if he keeps a strict diet of animal brains. Humans, wizards and even other Mythies all believe he’ll infect them just by breathing on them. The only thing that stops Tate from ending it all and seeing his family in the afterlife are his fellow monster hunters and his mentor JOVE.

 

Tate works in the smog-stained city of New London, renowned for its murder rate and corrupt wizard tyrants. It’s Tate’s job to destroy monsters roaming the city, and to capture law-breaking Mythies who endanger the humans. He works with Jove, who not only stopped the wizards from executing Tate for seeking revenge for his parent’s murder, but also helped Tate adjust to life as a Halfdead. Tate and his team are on a routine mission when they discover the bodies of several wizards, the latest victim of a serial killer.

 

Tate returns home to inform Jove, but the police aren’t far behind, led by chief BOSWORTH. Bosworth has hated Tate for years and wastes no time gloating as he arrests Jove for the murders. Bosworth’s lieutenant DOROTHY- a kind elderly woman- tries to reassure Tate and stop him from assaulting police as Jove is taken away. Jove claims to have been framed, but Tate has only days to prove his innocence before Jove’s execution.  

 

Tate and his fellow hunters need to capture the real killer. He starts by questioning a nest of vampires, who lead him to a faerie drug dealer. These recesses of the city are infested with ghouls and as he exorcises them (wait... what? when did this start happening?), one ghoul nearly kills him, something Tate almost welcomes. He also struggles with his Halfdead condition, knowing his zombie side really craves human over animal brains. If he gives in and goes rabid, his mind would will be lost forever.

 

Tate gains two strong leads, but as he can’t follow both at once, he decides to follow his lead in London and sends fellow hunter ESPERANZA MASANDA (I LOVE this name!) to chase down their suspect outside the city.

 

Esperanza sets out across the zombie-clogged wastes in her Battle-Car, heading toward a camp of wasteraiders, one of whom is a suspect. But Esper (if you are going to refer to her by a nickname for the rest of the query, introduce her as ESPERANZA "ESPER" MASANDA.  It's less confusing) soon learns the perp she thought was the killer has been recently killed himself.

 

Meanwhile, Tate’s investigation leads him to a nightclub where his gorgon ex-girlfriend (this is great) works. Unfortunately, all clues so far point to his new girlfriend, SHARN. Tate also works out how each wizard victim is related, and that there’s one victim left the killer will go after next. However, this victim is the same wizard responsible for accidentally unleashing the zombies who killed Tate’s family. (Is there a way to add how his parents are killed in the first paragraph? And does Sharn play a bigger role in the first half of the novel? Maybe mention he has a girlfriend earlier, because this whole time I've been envisioning him as a single dude with nothing to lose.)

 

After being chased by a gang of wasteraiders and their weaponised cars, Esper uncovers damning evidence, which also points to Sharn being the killer. Esper joins up with Tate before they head to the home of the final victim. Once inside, they find Sharn and arrest her, only to discover Sharn and Jove have both been framed by the real killer, Dorothy. (OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH)

 

Dorothy explains how the tyrannical wizards killed her son for a minor law-break. She tries to convince Tate to murder the last victim on her list for her, and Tate is tempted to seek revenge himself. He almost gives in, before realising becoming a murderer won’t bring his family back. After a struggle, Tate tries to apprehend Dorothy, but she refuses to be taken alive. Fortunately, enough evidence is at the scene to prove Jove’s innocence and he’s set free.

 

Tate recovers from his injuries back at home, his suicidal thoughts temporarily at bay as he looks forward to going out with Esper and his friends to hunt down a pack of ghouls in the city. Business as usual. Little does he know that a new threat is about to strike London. (I don't know about this last sentence.  I'm assuming this book is the first in a series.  But I don't feel as if this last sentence fits with the rest of the paragraph.)

 

Overall, this is really solid.  There were just a few things I've highlighted which may benefit being introduced earlier in the story.  I love the world you've created :)

I'm also not sure if you have to put their names in bold and capital when introducing a character.  I thought you just had to capitalize it.



#14 Wil

Wil

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Posted 28 January 2018 - 06:23 PM

Thanks a lot Disgruntled, I appreciate it. 






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