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Ya-Query: New edits

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#1 AmberA

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 06:58 PM

I'm going to post the lastest revisions here  :wub:  So you don't have to search. ( Critique for a Critique ) 

 

Revision 11 down below or check post #71

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber has a plan for Bradley Jameson: seduce his son : plant drugs in his house, ruin his business, seduce his son. Bradley deserves it. His false accusations of embezzlement drove Amber's father to suicide.  And he needs to pay.

 

Amber manufactures an entirely new personality, to get close to Henry, Bradley's son, and get invited to his home. She plants drugs in Bradley’s library and sends a tip to the cops, hoping to wreak havoc. Instead, crooked cops on Bradley's payroll show up and leave the drugs without questioning him. It’s just the first of several schemes that Amber tries to ruin Bradley, but she’s after a man who seems completely untouchable. Each scheme Bradley wriggles out of trouble, and each one leaves Amber closer to being exposed. 

Things take a turn for the worse when Amber encounters an old admirer. It’s Bradley’s nephew, Johnny--- a ruthless playboy.  Amber needs to get rid of Johnny before he tries to get in the way of her scheme and expose her true identity.  But as much as Amber doesn't want to admit it, the more time she spends with Johnny makes her want to kiss him, not kill him.

To make matters worse, Bradley and his son are getting suspicious, so time to complete her plan is running out. Now Amber must choose between pursuing revenge against a powerful man, who could ruin her life with a snap of his fingers, or bail on her plans and live the rest of her life knowing she's let her father down.

 

Revision 10 down below or check post 66

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber has a plan for Bradley Jameson: seduce his son. Bradley deserves it. His false accusations of embezzlement drove Amber's father to suicide.  And he needs to pay. 

 

Amber manufactures an entirely new personality to get close to Henry, Bradley's son, then uses him. She plants drugs in Bradley’s library and sends a tip to the cops, hoping to wreck havoc. Instead, crooked cops on Bradley's payroll show up and leave the drugs without questioning him. Amber’s after a man who seems completely untouchable. Each failed attempt to destroy Bradley brings more and more scrutiny on her.

 

Things take a turn for the worse when Amber encounters an old admirer. It’s Bradley’s nephew, Johnny--- a ruthless playboy.  Amber needs to get rid of Johnny before he tries to get in the way of her scheme and expose her true identity.  But as much as Amber doesn't want to admit it, the more time she spends with Johnny makes her want to kiss him, not kill him.

 

To make matters worse, Bradley and his son are getting suspicious, so time to complete her plan is running out. Now Amber must choose between pursuing revenge against a powerful man, who could ruin her life with a snap of his fingers, or bail on her plans and live the rest of her life knowing she's let her father down.

 

Revision 9 down below or check post 57 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber has a plan for Bradley Jameson: seduce his son, plant drugs in his house, crush his business. Bradley deserves it. He drove his business associate, Amber's father, to suicide with false accusation.

 

Amber has a thirst for vengeance. She knows she can’t get her father back, but Amber will stop at nothing to destroy Bradley. Amber plants drugs in Bradley’s library and sends a tip to the cops hoping to cause havoc. Instead, crooked cops that were on Bradley's payroll leave the drugs without questioning him. Things take a turn when Amber is under Bradley's radar.

 

Amber's attempting to figure out a way to frame Bradley without getting caught, until an encounter with an old admirer throws her off. It's Johnny, Bradley's mischief nephew. He claims to know her, and she's denying it. Amber realizes she's on thin ice and can't have Johnny exposing her. Now, Amber not only must steer clear of Johnny, she also must get the contract to wreck Bradley, before he frames her like her father.

 

 

Revision 8 down below or check post 52 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber has a plan for Bradley Jameson: seduce his son, plant drugs in his house, crush his business. Bradley deserves it; after all he drove his business associate, Amber's father, to suicide, because of a false accusation.

 

Amber has a thirst for vengeance, ever since Bradley made the town call her father a thief, and that guilt drove her father to take his life. She knows she can’t get her father back, but Amber will stop at nothing to destroy Bradley. Amber is the hottest girl in school, and no one knows about her past. After Amber gets Bradley’s son’s affection by her looks and sweet talk, she uses him to get invited to the fundraiser held in his home. When Amber plants drugs in Bradley’s library, she sends a tip to the cops, in hopes of causing havoc. But nothing happens. Instead, there were crooked cops who take away the drugs, without questioning Bradley. In a heated moment, Amber comes across a contract that could shut down Bradley’s business. Before she could snap a picture, Bradley takes it away.  His intense stare worries Amber, she doesn’t want to get caught.

 

As she attempts to search for the contract, she confronts an old admirer who can ruin her disguise. It was Bradley’s mischief nephew, Johnny. When Amber tries to make a quick escape, she’s stopped and questioned by Johnny. He’s claiming to know her, and she’s denying it. Amber knows she’s on thin ice and has to get rid of Johnny, before he exposes her. Now, Amber not only must steer clear of Johnny, she also must get the contract to wreck Bradley, before he ruins her.  

 

 

Revision 7 down below :

 

Dear Agent xx,
 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake intends to destroy Bradley Jameson; a business associate who drove her father to suicide.

 

The high school senior is confident she can seduce Jameson's son and plot a scheme to ruin Mr. Jameson. She wants to plant drugs in his house, ruin his multi-million dollar business​, and make his family hate him. ​  

 

When Jameson’s son, asks Amber to join him at his father's annual fundraiser, she can’t even respond without sounding like a spaz. Amber tends to be blissfully ignorant. Whenever she finds a chance to wreak Mr. Jameson, she drags trouble with her. So when she plants drugs in the library and sends a tip to the cops, she remembers that she forgot to wipe her prints off the package. Amber is left with a lot of regrets, but she also catches Mr. Jameson's attention. All the clues keep leading towards her, but her relationship with Mr. Jameson's son is the only thing keeping her name clean.

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks, an old friend shows up, Mr. Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny. Amber is attempting to misdirect Mr. Jameson's nephew from finding the person in charge of the heinous crime, which she committed. Despite the threat he poses, she's falling in love with him.

 

Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and not serve justice for her late father, or continue her mission and lose her only chance at a normal life.


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#2 taylorhale

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 07:13 PM

 

Hi everyone. I've been stalking this forum for many months now. I just finished my YA novel and tried to write a query for it. It's a little dull, but I hope it's a good start. 

 

Hi!

 

Dear Agent xx, 

 

Senior year is expected to be epic—parties, memories and prom. But seventeen-year-old Amber Blake,(remove comma) has vengeful things in mind. She wants to kill the man who made her father commit suicide and to do that, Amber must make his son, Jake Jameson, fall in love with her. (Okay, does she LITERALLY mean kill? Because that's how it sounds. Maybe "she wants to ruin the life of the man...")

 

At school, Amber is the hottest geek every girl hates. She has guys head-over-heels for her, including Jake. When Jake asks Amber out, she knows she’s closer to her goal. Their one date turns into a two-week relationship and Jake invites Amber to meet his parents. Prep for many years, (What? Do you mean "She has prepared for this for years"?) Amber plans to attack (Now I'm getting the sense she literally wants to murder this person) Mr. Jameson after dinner, but there’s one problem, (opt out comma for either a slash or a colon) Johnny Jameson, Jake’s older and dreamy cousin. He follows Amber like a hawk, so she decides to strike another time, after she gets rid of Johnny. Amber thinks Johnny is onto her and does what she knows best, make him fall in love with her, but he’s one hard rock. 

 

While still focusing on her mission, Amber tries many many times to smooch up to James. (I'm confused, who is James? Do you mean Johnny?) He just wont give in, until a night encounter at the lake, turns their hatred to passion. Neither of them expected for anything to happen, but Amber soon finds that James knows about her mission and plans to tell authorities. ("Authorities" reads too formal for the voice you're going for. Maybe say "cops"?) She can’t let love get in the way of her bullets. (Her plans?) To Amber, this is justice for her late father, but she can’t seem to forget her feelings for James. When Amber gets a troublesome note from James, she must make a choice: Forget her mission altogether and not serve justice for her father or Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by James. 
 
IMPEDE is a 82k YA contemporary novel. 

 

I think you got your names mixed up. We had Jake, then Johnny, then randomly we had James. 

 

I think you're onto something here BUT I'm not sure how I feel about a teen girl plotting to murder a man. Ruin his life might be more realistic. Even if someone has wronged you, murder is pretty extreme - Amber is coming across as a psychopath. She also sounds nothing like a "geek" so I don't know why that term is being used to describe her.

 

Hope this helps! :-) Good luck with your story!



#3 AmberA

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 07:33 PM

I think you got your names mixed up. We had Jake, then Johnny, then randomly we had James. 

 

I think you're onto something here BUT I'm not sure how I feel about a teen girl plotting to murder a man. Ruin his life might be more realistic. Even if someone has wronged you, murder is pretty extreme - Amber is coming across as a psychopath. She also sounds nothing like a "geek" so I don't know why that term is being used to describe her.

 

Hope this helps! :-) Good luck with your story!

 

Thank you for your feedback! :) 

Whoops. Yes, I meant Johnny. I have too many J's. I think I'm going to change up the names, it gets too confusing haha. Hmm... I don't want to ruin the book. She does want to kill him not literally, but she tries to ruin his life/business/family to the point he wants to commits suicide, basically. I didn't demonstrate it properly on the query, I'll work on that. 


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#4 taylorhale

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 07:35 PM

Thank you for your feedback! :) 

Whoops. Yes, I meant Johnny. I have too many J's. I think I'm going to change up the names, it gets too confusing haha. Hmm... I don't want to ruin the book. She does want to kill him not literally, but she tries to ruin his life/business/family to the point he wants to commits suicide, basically. I didn't demonstrate it properly on the query, I'll work on that. 

I like the J names to be honest :) I don't think you need to change them, but if it confuses you then maybe! And yes, I would definitely take a different approach - maybe something like she wants to do to him what he did to her father, because as it sounds, I had the image of a girl carrying around a knife, plotting to slit a man's throat ;-)



#5 AmberA

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Posted 08 January 2018 - 08:01 PM

I like the J names to be honest :) I don't think you need to change them, but if it confuses you then maybe! And yes, I would definitely take a different approach - maybe something like she wants to do to him what he did to her father, because as it sounds, I had the image of a girl carrying around a knife, plotting to slit a man's throat ;-)

 

haha Yeah, that's not a good image of her! 


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#6 bkarperien

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Posted 09 January 2018 - 06:36 PM

 

Hi everyone. I've been stalking this forum for many months now. I just finished my YA novel and tried to write a query for it. It's a little dull, but I hope it's a good start. 

 

Revision 2 

 

Dear Agent xx, 

 

Senior year is expected to be epic—parties, memories and prom. But seventeen-year-old Amber Blake has vengeful things in mind. She wants to ruin the life of the man who made her father commit suicide and to do that, Amber must make his son, Jake Jameson, fall in love with her. (Woah. Superb hook. Would pick this up right now if only I was an agent.)

 

For twelve years Amber has been plotting a way to destroy Mr. Jameson (why has she waited so long? Why only start now? What changed?) by planting drugs in his house, ruining his million dollar business’ and making his entire family hate that scumbag (it's not clear why she needs Jake to fall for her)At her new school, Amber is the hottest transfer student every girl hates. She has every guy head-over-heels for her, including Jake. When Jake asks Amber out, she agrees. Their one date turns into a two-week relationship and Jake invites Amber to meet his parents.  Amber plans to hide the drugs around Mr. Jameson's office after dinner,  but there’s one problem   Johnny Jameson, Jake’s dreamy older cousin, who follows Amber like a hawk.  Amber thinks Johnny is onto her and does what she knows best, flirt, but he’s one hard rock.

 

Amber plants the drugs and sends records of Mr. Jameson’s deceit (what deceipt? Is he really corrupt, or is she planting this all?) to his CEO, finally putting her plan in action. While still focusing on her mission, Amber tries many times to lure Johnny (I really don't get the Johnny thing. Why is she trying to lure him? And lure him into what?). He won’t give in, until an encounter at the lake turns their hatred to attraction (encounter at the lake is a little vague, but that detail may not be necessary. What is it about the encounter that turns their hatred into attraction?). Neither of them expected for anything to happen, but Amber soon finds that James knows about her mission and plans to tell cops.  She can’t let love get in the way of her plans (wait, why would love be in the way? I don't understand the connection. She has feelings for Johnny, right? Not James? And how does she stop James from turning her in?). To Amber, this is justice for her late father, but she can’t ignore her feelings for James (What? I thought she liked Johnny?). When Amber gets a note from Johnny, she must make a choice: Forget her mission altogether and not serve justice for her father or Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny (wait, what? Did her plan always involve murder? And why would Johnny kill her...I'm totally confused here. Is she in love with Johnny or James? And which one is trying to stop her? and why, why, why does Johnny want to kill her? The original concept is so strong, but I feel like it gets a little lost by the end.)

 

.

 
 
 
IMPEDE is a 82k YA contemporary novel. 

 

This has a good start, but the ending totally confused me. I'd suggest simplifying things and working on making it clearer. Great concept though, I love it!

If you get a chance to check out my query, that'd be fantastic!


Check out my query!


#7 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 12:30 AM

Dear Agent xx, Sounds silly, but I had to increase the size of the font to read this. Don't send a too-small query to an agent, or they'll delete it.

Senior year is expected to be epic—parties, memories and prom. But seventeen-year-old Amber Blake has vengeful things in mind. Has revenge in mind? Try not to use the word 'things.' She wants to ruin the life of the man who made her father commit suicide. To do that, Amber must make his son, Jake Jameson, fall in love with her. ooooooh nice and snappy.

For twelve years Amber has been plotting has plotted (make the verbs snappier) a way to destroy Mr. Jameson. Her relentless plot deals with (replace - 'deals with' is vague) planting drugs in his house, ruining his million dollar businesses (misplaced apostrophe I think) and making his entire family hate him (that scumbag conveys voice but is grammatically awkward here)

At school, Amber is the hottest transfer student every girl hates. She has guys head-over-heels for her, including Jake. When After Jake asks Amber out, she agrees. T their one date turns into a two-week relationship and Jake invites Amber to meet his parents. Amber plans to hide the drugs around Mr. Jameson's office after dinner, but there’s one problemJohnny Jameson, Jake’s older and dreamy cousin. Be weary of the excess J- names. He follows Amber like a hawk. Amber thinks Johnny is onto her and does what she knows best flirt — (use em-dashes here)but he’s one hard rock. I don't hate it but I don't love it. I've never heard anyone described as 'one hard rock' before.

Amber plants the drugs saying 'she plans to...but there's one problem' in the above paragraph makes it sound like she never gets to plant them. Needs to better-organized, I think, to prevent a reader being confused and sends records of Mr. Jameson’s deceit to his CEO, allowing the damages to begin. While still focusing on her mission, Amber tries many times to lure Johnny. He won’t give in, until an encounter at the lake turns their hatred to attraction. Neither of them expected for anything to happen, but Amber soon finds that Johnny knows about her mission and plans to tell cops Sounds like something romantic is about to happen, but then it's about the police. Revise so it all has the same tone. She can’t let love get in the way of her plans. To Amber, this is justice for her late father, but she can’t ignore her feelings for Johnny. When Amber gets a note from Johnny, she must make a choice: Forget her mission altogether and not serve justice for her father or Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny.

IMPEDE is a 82k YA contemporary novel. 

 

I would not mention Jake at all. He doesn't sound incremental enough to be mentioned. Just say Amber gets to Mr. Jameson's house and focus on the actual love interest. This also helps solve the J-name problem, ha. This is good, but it can be tightened and re-organized so that it sounds like every event leads to the next event smoothly. Good luck!



#8 Daisy

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 08:47 AM

Hi everyone. I've been stalking this forum for many months now. I just finished my YA novel and tried to write a query for it. It's a little dull, but I hope it's a good start.

Revision 2

 

 

 

Dear Agent xx,

Senior year is expected to be epic—parties, memories and prom. But seventeen-year-old Amber Blake has vengeful things in mind. She wants to ruin the life of the man who made her father commit suicide and to do that, Amber must make his son, Jake Jameson, fall in love with her. :smile:

 

For twelve years Amber has been plotting a way to destroy Mr. Jameson. Her relentless plot deals with planting drugs in his house, ruining his million dollar business’ and making his entire family hate that scumbag.

 

So far, you've kept my interest.   I'm not completely wowed, but I'm curious enough to keep reading.    :smile: 
 

At school, Being a transfer student implies school so I'd leave that out. Every word counts in a query so cut where you can. 

 

Amber is the hottest transfer student every girl hates. You know, I think I would move this to the start when you introduce your protag.

 

 

 

Amber Blake is the hottest transfer student every girl hates and her senior year is expected to be epic—parties, memories and prom.(suggestion: and her senior year is going to be epic) It is a stronger way to show how confident she is in her plan, which ups the stakes. The word you chose, "expected" is okay, but doesn't have the same weight, if you know what I mean.

 

 

Amber Blake is the hottest transfer student every girl hates and her senior year is going to be epic.

 

You know, I think I'd take out "every girl hates" as well because I'm a girl and I want to like your protag. Being the hottest already implies there's going to be jealousy so I'd cut that out.  Like I said before, every word count.

 

 

Amber Blake is the hottest transfer student and her senior year is going to be epic.

 

However, the seventeen-year-old But,  seventeen-year-old Amber Blake has vengeful things in  vengeance in mind. Play with the wording here a bit more to made it seem a bit darker. This has the potential to be a really good hook, right here.

 

 

She wants to ruin the life of the man who made her father commit suicide and to do that, Amber must make his son, Jake Jameson, fall in love with her.  Again, play with the wording a bit here.  Tighten it up and really suck me in.  So far I'm curious enough to keep reading, but this could be even stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

She has guys head-over-heels for her, including Jake. This part is redundant.  You've already said she's the hottest transfer student so obviously all the hormonal teenage boys will be after her.  Don't hit me on the head with the fact that she's every guys dream because it's not a perk to me as a reader.  It's just cliché.  Make her come across more than just a hot girl. You want me to like her and dwelling on her looks won't accomplish that.  It's been stated at the start, now show me there's more to her than a pretty face and a hot body. :smile:

 

 

 

When Jake asks Amber out, she agrees. And, it falls flat here. Of course she agrees!  That's part of her sinister plan!  Tweak the wording here. You're trying to reel me in. Build and build the tension with each sentence you add until I can't take it any longer and have to read the m/s! 

 

 

Their one date turns into a two-week relationship and Jake invites Amber to meet his parents. Amber plans to hide the drugs around Mr. Jameson's office after dinner, but there’s one problem Johnny Jameson, Jake’s older and dreamy cousin. He follows Amber like a hawk. Amber thinks Johnny is onto her and does what she knows best, flirt, but he’s one hard rock. Again, tweak the wording here because I'm not feeling any urgency or tension from it. It's just...yawn.  And you're relying on her looks again. That's fine in the m/s where there's more time to show that there's more to her character, but in a query it's boring.  :sad:

 

Amber plants the drugs and sends records of Mr. Jameson’s deceit to the CEO allowing the damages to begin. the second half of this sentence needs to be tweaked a bit too since I'm mildly confused. Is she sending the info to Mr. Jameson's CEO?  Just clear it up so it's crystal clear the first time I read though it. You don't want your reader to have to go back and re-read anything because it pulls them out of your grasp. 

 

 

While still focusing on her mission, Amber tries many times to lure Johnny. The wording here is clunky and boring.  Try to get this info across in a stronger way.

 

 

He won’t give in, until an encounter at the lake turns their hatred to attraction.

 

 

Neither of them expected for anything to happen, but Amber soon finds that Johnny knows about her mission and plans to tell cops. So far, I'm not really rooting for any of your characters.  :sad: Amber's a vengeful chick who's only asset is her looks. If I was an agent I'd stop reading now because I am just not invested in your characters enough to stick around for 82,000 words.  Show me I'm wrong!  :wub:

 

 

She can’t let love get in the way of her plans.

 

To Amber, this is justice for her late father, but she can’t ignore her feelings for Johnny. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.  What happened to Jake, the guy mentioned at the very start?  Find a way to re-work the query so Johnny is the second person in the query rather than Jake.

 

 

When Amber gets a note from Johnny, she must make a choice: Forget her mission altogether and not serve justice for her father or Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny.  ????? huh?  :blush:  Now Johnny's going to kill her?  That took me by surprise, but not in a good way.  I'm confused because I thought Johnny had become her love interest.  Now he's going to kill her?  I realize there's sexual tension here and he's kind of a love interest, but you need to emphasize the fact he's the antagonist because that's not coming through the query. 



IMPEDE is a 82k YA contemporary novel.

 

 

 

Great start so far!  Keep polishing this baby up because it had a lot of potential! :biggrin: 



#9 AmberA

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 06:47 PM

Thank you for the feedback @Diasy and @Pigeononthemoon and @Bkarperien.. Hoping this new revisions is better and answers many unanswered questions !

 

Revision 3

 

Amber Blake is the hottest transfer student and her senior year is going to be epic. However, the seventeen-year-old has an appetite for vengeance, which will ruin the life of the monstrous man who made her father commit suicide.

 

For twelve years Amber has plotted a way to destroy Mr. Jameson. She wants to plant drugs in his house, ruin his multi-million dollar business and make his entire family hate him. To do that, Amber makes Jameson’s son fall in love with her and uses him to get in the house.

 

After she plants the drugs and leaves a tip for the police, Amber makes a quick escape before the cops arrive, until she encounters Mr. Jameson’s nephew, Johnny. He’s the definition of a playboy, and she hates him. Johnny isn't very fond of her either, but Amber can’t let him get in the way of her work. She doesn't want to seduce him and instead she tries to befriend him.


While Amber gets closer to Johnny to gain his trust she learns that he has another side. They have a love and hate relationship, but sometimes more love than hate. Their feelings grow stronger for each other. When Amber sneaks into Mr. Jameson's office, she encounters a group of men with masks.  She uses her badass moves to kick some ass, until a man's mask falls. It was Johnny. Amber refuses to accept the fact that Johnny, not only knew about her mission, but he was apart of the scheme this entire time. To Amber, this is justice for her late father, but she can’t ignore her love for him. When Amber gets a note from Johnny, she must make a choice: Forget her mission and not serve justice for her father or Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny.


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#10 Daisy

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 08:04 PM

Thank you for the feedback @Diasy and @Pigeononthemoon and @Bkarperien.. Hoping this new revisions is better !!!!

 

Revision 3

 

 

 

Amber Blake is the hottest transfer student and her senior year is going to be epic. ​This is much better, just tweak the wording a bit more. Keep it short and snappy to lure me in. 

 

However, the seventeen-year-old has an appetite for vengeance, which will ruin the life of the monstrous man who made her father commit suicide.   Again, tweak the wording a bit here so it flows better. You've got it down to the right amount of info but it still needs to flow a bit better.  Play with it a bit more.   :smile: 

 

 

For twelve years​, Amber has plotted a way  to destroy Mr. Jameson. ​While this is fine, try to avoid sentences beginning with "X has, X was etc.  "Amber has..." It's passive, but if you flip the wording around it will come across much stronger which you want, especially in your query.  For example off the top of my head:

 

Plotting a way to destroy Mr. Jameson consumes her every thought. ​Obviously, you can come up with something better, but try and word that in a more urgent way. 

 

She wants to plant drugs in his house, ruin his multi-million dollar business​, and make his entire family hate him. ​  ​  You might want to leave this entire sentence out. It's not the hook because that's the previous sentence and you're going to explain all this in the next few sentences anyhow. If this was my query, I'd just omit the whole thing since it's not adding anything.  

To do that,​ "To do that" is so dull.  How about something more exciting?  For example:

To DESTROY him, Amber ​needs to make makes ​ Jameson’s son fall in love with her​. ​I'd lay out her plan here.  The way you had it almost sounded like it was already a done deal and is just reading like a list.  Just polish this up a bit more. Build on the excitement.  

 

 

and ​ After she uses him to get in the house​, After she plants the drugs and leaves a tip for the police  Amber makes a quick escape before the cops arrive, until she encounters Jameson’s nephew, Johnny. ​Confusing: you say she made a quick escape before the cops arrive and then say "until" she encounter's his nephew.  I have no idea if she's escaped or if she's still there.  Clarify that some more.   :smile: 

 

He’s the definition of a playboy, and she hates him. Johnny isn't very fond of her either, but Amber can’t let him get in the way of her work. She doesn't want to seduce him and instead she tries to befriend him.  ​I'm not loving this part.  Johnny the Playboy doesn't come across as an interesting character. Sort of like what I was saying in the previous query with Amber coming across as nothing but a clichéd "hot" girl.  The "she doesn't want to seduce him" is kind of blah too, especially since you just told us he's a playboy. It's just not coming across the way you're intending.

Romance and sexual tension are awesome in books, but there needs to be more to the characters than that. Show me more about Johnny's character.  This part definitely needs tweaking because by now, I like where your query is going but I'm still not that into your main characters, although I do like Amber more this time round.   :smile:  if I was an agent, I don't think I'd ask for pages because although the plot sounds interesting, I'm not sure I'm ready to spend countless pages reading about a hot girl and the playboy...and believe me, I'm the biggest romantic out there.  LOL  I need more to my characters than that and you still need to show me. 


Amber considered gaining Johnny's trust a mission, but it becomes more. She starts growing feelings for him after seeing his other side. He’s more than a sybarite ​do you ever use that word in real life? It almost sounds like you're trying too hard. I'm all for different words, but I'm not sure it's suitable here.  and actually cares for her.

 

Amber sneaks in Jameson’s corp, and gets surrounded by security, by the last minute, Johnny saves her. She never wanted for Johnny to go against his family to save her.  ​This part is coming across as really poorly written.  Definitely work on this section some more. 

 

Neither of them expected for hatred to turn into affection, but Johnny also knows about the mission and tries to stop it. To Amber, this is justice for her late father, but she can’t ignore her love for him.  ​Again, work on the wording.  It's coming across sloppy and poorly written which is something you cannot have in a query.  Your work has to shine. Every single word counts. 

 

When Amber gets a note from Johnny, she must make a choice: Forget her mission and not serve justice for her father or Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny. ​Okay, so now I understand the jist.  I was confused in the previous query, however this needs to be reworded as well.  

 

 

It's coming along!  

 

Can't wait to see your next revision.  

 

Keep polishing this.  



#11 AmberA

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 08:09 PM

It's coming along!  

 

Can't wait to see your next revision.  

 

Keep polishing this.  

 

Oh no... You commented right when I revised the last paragraph  :wub:  It's okay, hopefully the next revision will WOW you  :wink:  Your feedbacks are very very very helpful! Leads me towards the right direction ! 


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#12 Daisy

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 08:13 PM

Oh no... You commented right when I revised the last paragraph  :wub:  It's okay, hopefully the next revision will WOW you  :wink:  Your feedbacks are very very very helpful! Leads me towards the right direction ! 

 

LOL!  No worries.  Re-read mine again because I was adding some things to my already-posted comments as well.    :biggrin: 



#13 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 08:58 PM

I'm just leaving a comment here so that I remember to post another critique after your next revision is up. Thank you so much for your feedback on my query!



#14 AmberA

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 09:14 PM

What do you guys think? Better hook and order? ( Out of curiosity, do you guys think I should mention why his father commit suicide or no? )

 

Revision 4

 

She had the drive, she had the courage, and she had the perfect opportunity. Only one thing stood between Amber Blake and her scheme of revenge: her love for the wrong man. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber has an appetite for vengeance. She wants to ruin the life of the ruthless man who drove her father to commit suicide. To destroy Mr. Jameson, Amber makes Jameson’s son fall in love with her. 
 
After she uses him to get in the house, she plants drugs and leaves a tip for the police. Amber’s failed attempt at a quick escape puts her on the radar of Johnny, Mr. Jameson’s arrogant and handsome nephew. After his mysterious character and fierce stare provokes her to spy on him, she discovers he’s more than meets the eye, and that his badass attitude is mainly reserved for the boxing ring. 
 
When Amber sneaks into Mr. Jameson's office to encrypt his files, she runs into a group of men incognito.  She uses her kick-ass moves in the attempt to flee, until a man's mask falls off. It was Johnny. Amber refuses to accept the fact that Johnny, not only knew about her mission, but he was a part of the scheme this entire time. And the worst part? Johnny loves Amber, but she doesn't know.  Determined to serve justice for her late father, Amber can’t ignore her feelings for Johnny. When Amber gets a note from Johnny, she must make a decision: stay with Johnny, or  Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny.

Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#15 bkarperien

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 09:55 PM

 

What do you guys think? Better hook and order? ( Out of curiosity, do you guys think I should mention why his father commit suicide or no? )

 

Revision 4

 

She had the drive, she had the courage, and she had the perfect opportunity. Only one thing stood between Amber Blake and her scheme of revenge: her love for the wrong man. (This hook is too vague for me. I think the following is much stronger.)

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber has an appetite for vengeance. She wants to ruin the life of the Mr. Jameson, the ruthless man who drove her father to commit suicide. To do that, she has to make Jameson’s son fall in love with her. 
 
After she uses him to get in the house, she plants drugs and leaves a tip for the police (Nice, short and sweet.) . Amber’s failed attempt at a quick escape puts her on the radar of Johnny, Mr. Jameson’s arrogant and handsome nephew. After his mysterious character and fierce stare provokes her to spy on him, she discovers he’s more than meets the eye, and that his badass attitude is mainly reserved for the boxing ring (This doesn't seem relevant. I still don't know who Johnny is, what he's doing there, what he's trying to accomplish.). 
 
When Amber sneaks into Mr. Jameson's office to encrypt his files, she runs into a group of men incognito.  She uses her kick-ass moves in the attempt to flee, until a man's mask falls off. It was Johnny. (This is confusing and too much like a play-by-play. Also, where did her kick-ass moves come from? Why were there men in the office? Who's side are they on? I'm all confuzled.) Amber refuses to accept the fact that Johnny, not only knew about her mission, but he was a part of the scheme this entire time. And the worst part? Johnny loves Amber, but she doesn't know.   (Stick to Amber's perspective. If she doesn't know, we don't know). Though she's determined to serve justice for her late father, Amber can’t ignore her feelings for Johnny. When Amber gets a note from Johnny, she must make a decision: stay with Johnny, or  Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny. (I really don't understand this sentence. I thought she wasn't murdering Mr. Jameson? I'm just confused :( )

 

It's much improved from the last version I saw, but I still got a little muddled at the end. But aside from the confusion, I think the biggest thing that bothered me was that the hook, which is so intriguing, makes me think that the conflict will revolve around Amber making Jameson's son fall for her, but there's no conflict over that. I still don't understand, really, what the main conflict is over. I think, once you get that part clarified, everything will make a lot more sense for me.

Thanks so much for your feedback on my query, btw! I think this is a really great story. I wish I could give more helpful feedback, but I don't feel like I understand enough about what's going on in the story. 

Oh, and I don't think it's necessary to include any specifics on why her father committed suicide.


Check out my query!


#16 sereneew

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 09:56 PM

 

What do you guys think? Better hook and order? ( Out of curiosity, do you guys think I should mention why his father commit suicide or no? ) Nope. There's no need. We know his dad committed suicide. 

 

Revision 4

 

She had the drive motivation, she had the courage, and she had the perfect opportunity. Only one thing stood between Amber Blake and her scheme of revenge: her love for the wrong man. ( This is  Interesting...) 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber has an appetite for vengeance. She wants to ruin the life of the ruthless man who drove her father to commit suicide. To destroy Mr. Jameson, Amber makes Jameson’s son fall in love with her. 
 
After she uses him to get in the house, she plants drugs and leaves a tip for the police. Amber’s failed attempt at a quick escape puts her on the radar of Johnny, Mr. Jameson’s arrogant and handsome nephew. After his mysterious character and fierce stare provokes her to spy on him, she discovers he’s more than meets the eye( I wonder what is he? sympathetic?) , and that his badass attitude is mainly reserved for the boxing ring. ( I would add here how she's starting to fall for him...i.e Amber's starting for fall for him. ) 
 
When Amber sneaks into Mr. Jameson's office to encrypt ( maybe a different word choice )  his files, she runs into a group of concealed men incognito.  She uses her kick-ass moves in the attempt to flee, until a man's mask falls off. It's was Johnny. Amber refuses to accept the fact that Johnny, not only knew about her mission, but he played along.  was a part of the scheme this entire time. And the worst part? Johnny wants to keep her safe from the bad guys, but Amber thinks he's after her.  loves Amber, but she doesn't know.  Determined to serve justice for her late father, Amber can’t ignore her feelings for Johnny. When Amber gets a note ( what's on that note?)  from Johnny, she must make a decision: stay with Johnny, or  Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny. 

 

 

 

You have a really good story here... Just needs a little tweaking that can easily be fixed with a sentence and more details! It's a better revision. Good luck (: 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#17 Daisy

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 10:10 PM

 

What do you guys think? Better hook and order? ( Out of curiosity, do you guys think I should mention why his father commit suicide or no? )

 

Revision 4

 

She had the drive, she had the courage, and she had the perfect opportunity. Only one thing stood between Amber Blake and her scheme of revenge: her love for the wrong man. ​  ​Nah.  I'd skip it.  LOL

 

 

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber ​Blake has an appetite for vengeance. She wants to ruin the life of the ruthless man who drove her father to commit suicide. To destroy Mr. Jameson, Amber makes ​plans to make Jameson’s son fall in love with her. ​I suggest "plans to" since it's not a given and plays into the unfolding plot.  
 
 
 
 
After she uses him to get in the house, she plants drugs and leaves a tip for the police. Amber’s failed attempt at a quick escape puts her on the radar of Johnny, Mr. Jameson’s arrogant and handsome nephew​, Johnny.  ​ If you put Johnny where you had it, you might at first think that's the son she was after so it's a teeny tiny bit confusing.  This just makes it crystal clear from the get-go.  Remember, you don't want me to have to re-read anything. I want to be able to skim this and understand everything easily.   
 
After his mysterious character and fierce stare provokes her to spy on him, ​Okay, this is getting better than before where he was nothing more than a playboy, but it still needs a bit more oomph.  Keep working on this part. she discovers he’s more than meets the eye, and that his badass attitude is mainly reserved for the boxing ring. ​I like this second part a lot. Much better.   :smile: 
 
 
When Amber sneaks into Mr. Jameson's office to encrypt his files, she runs into a group of men incognito.​That's just sort of sounds off to me.    She uses her kick-ass moves in the attempt to flee,  :laugh: this made me laugh out loud, but I'm not sure it should stay.  You've never before mentioned anything about Amber's fighting skills so it's just sort of comes out of left field. I think it is coming across a bit to "convenient" and hints at the possibility of lazy writing. until a man's mask falls off.
 
It was Johnny.   gosh!: ​Good stuff!   Now you're doing a better job at explaining what happened.  :biggrin: 
 
Amber refuses to accept the fact that Johnny, not only knew about her mission, but he was a part of the scheme this entire time. And the worst part? Johnny loves Amber, but she doesn't know. ​And now I'm confused again.  
​You've removed any indication that he's attracted to her in this query up above, only that SHE is attracted to him. There was no indication it was mutual in this version of the query.  So, it's not making sense that she refuses to accept he knew about her mission and is a part of it.  As far as I know, he's just some guy she's attracted to.  
​Then you say Johnny loves Amber, but she doesn't know, which doesn't make any sense at all in this context if you think about it.   :unsure:  
 
​**** Edited to add: The Johnny loves Amber, but she doesn't know it part is a POV error here. The query is entirely in Amber's POV.  Double check to make sure you don't have any POV errors in your manuscript.  
 
 
 Determined to serve justice for her late father, Amber can’t ignore her feelings for Johnny. When Amber gets a note from Johnny, she must make a decision: stay with Johnny, or  Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny.  ​Yes, again, based on what I said about the previous paragraph, this just isn't working.  Yet.   :cool:  It'll get there though.   :wub: 
 
 
 
 
​So, what I'm not understanding is how they are attracted to each other...but at the same time he's possibly going to kill her?  It sounds like a plot hole so you're going to have to definitely work on that part of the query to make clearer their relationship.  Odd is fine, but this isn't making any sense to me.  

 



#18 AmberA

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 10:17 PM

 

 

What do you guys think? Better hook and order? ( Out of curiosity, do you guys think I should mention why his father commit suicide or no? )

 

Revision 4

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old​, Amber ​Blake has an appetite for vengeance. She wants to ruin the life of the ruthless man who drove her father to commit suicide. To destroy Mr. Jameson, Amber makes ​plans to make Jameson’s son fall in love with her. ​I suggest "plans to" since it's not a given and plays into the unfolding plot.  
 

 

 

 

Do you think I should mention Johnny in the hook? Because I don't want readers to think it's a story about making Jameson's son fall in love with her. It's about her falling for the wrong guy??? Also, do you think I should mention Johnny working for Jameson? 


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#19 mzbritney12

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 10:23 PM

Thank you for the feedback @Diasy and @Pigeononthemoon and @Bkarperien.. Hoping this new revisions is better and answers many unanswered questions !

 

Revision 3

 

Amber Blake is the hottest transfer student and her senior year is going to be epic. However, the seventeen-year-old has an appetite for vengeance, which will ruin the life of the monstrous man who made her father commit suicide. (Hmm, so there's a good introduction on your story in this first paragraph, but it doesn't feel like a hook to me or make me want to dive into the book. I think one part that stuck out, though, was how Amber wants revenge on the man that made her father commit suicide--I truly think your best hook may lie between those two things). 

 

For twelve years Amber has plotted a way to destroy Mr. Jameson. (Oh man! This first sentence could actually go towards your hook. Imagine this: For the last twelve years, Amber Blake has plotted a way to destroy the man who made her father commit suicide. It doesn't have to be exactly that, but something that is attention getting) She wants to plant drugs in his house, ruin his multi-million dollar business and make his entire family hate him. To do that, Amber makes Jameson’s son fall in love with her and uses him to get in the house. (This last sentence is definitely an attention-getter). 

 

After she plants the drugs and leaves a tip for the police, Amber makes a quick escape before the cops arrive, until she encounters Mr. Jameson’s nephew, Johnny. He’s the definition of a playboy, and she hates him. Johnny isn't very fond of her either, but Amber can’t let him get in the way of her work. She doesn't want to seduce him and instead she tries to befriend him.


While Amber gets closer to Johnny to gain his trust she learns that he has another side. They have a love and hate relationship, but sometimes more love than hate. Their feelings grow stronger for each other. When Amber sneaks into Mr. Jameson's office, she encounters a group of men with masks. (this last sentence seems a bit misplaced)  She uses her badass moves to kick some ass, until a man's mask falls. (How does she have these great moves? Did she train? Take Karate?) It was Johnny. Amber refuses to accept the fact that Johnny, not only knew about her mission, but he was apart of the scheme this entire time. To Amber, this is justice for her late father, but she can’t ignore her love for him. When Amber gets a note from Johnny, she must make a choice: Forget her mission and not serve justice for her father or Murder Mr. Jameson and get killed by Johnny. 

 

 

Hey Amber!

I'm super stoked you reached out to me! I'm honestly liking your story line a lot, and I feel like it's different than a lot of other stories I'm used to reading in the YA field. I so like the concept of a bad ass, YA superhero. 

As far as your query goes, it's honestly not too bad. You do have a lot of words, so I would suggest cutting some of your sentences into shorter ones. Sometimes a short, concise sentence keeps the reader intrigued. 

To break it all down: 

-I do suggest  re-working the hook. I feel like you have such a cool story that you can find something about it that stands out (aka a young woman plotting revenge on a grown man--that's a huge wow factor). I'd also suggest throwing her age in there. I don't think it was mentioned anywhere in the query. 

-As for the body of your query, I think you should give a little back story on Amber's relationship with her dad and how her life has changed since his death. I do think you should keep how Amber plants drugs in this guy's house, and how she gets caught by his nephew. I'd also suggest doing a lot of tightening in your last two paragraphs because it does get a bit repetitive at times. 

-And for the closing hook, I like how you have clearly stated your stakes, which is, in both ultimatums, death. However, the way you have worded it makes it super hard to read and a bit confusing. Definitely mention her mission and her possible outcomes, but I think if you went a little deeper as to why Johnny means so much to her, it'll be easier for the reader to relate to why she might want to forget her mission. Otherwise it's like, "Girl, you've been planning this mission your whole life, and all of a sudden you want to end it for some guy we barely know?!?!"

 

I hope my comments help you, Amber!

I totally look forward to seeing how this one evolves!

Good luck!


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#20 Daisy

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 10:29 PM

Do you think I should mention Johnny in the hook? Because I don't want readers to think it's a story about making Jameson's son fall in love with her. It's about her falling for the wrong guy??? Also, do you think I should mention Johnny working for Jameson? 

 

 

 

In the last query I replied to, I JUST went back and edited a part in turquoise.  (Man, you're fast! LOL) I want to make sure you got my note about the POV error and to perhaps run through your m/s to make sure little mistakes like that don't appear in there.   :smile: 

 

 

Okay, I wouldn't worry about the hook yet.  That'll come when you're polishing this.  For now, work on the plot points you want to make in your query and getting those crystal clear, because at this point, I'm not sure enough about your plot. 

 

 

So far, I'm taking this to be more of an action/revenge story.  If you're trying to convey "falling in love with the wrong guy", it's not coming across that way.   :huh: 







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