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Ya-Query: New edits

Fiction Adventure Young Adult

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#21 AmberA

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 10:35 PM

In the last query I replied to, I JUST went back and edited a part in turquoise.  (Man, you're fast! LOL) I want to make sure you got my note about the POV error and to perhaps run through your m/s to make sure little mistakes like that don't appear in there.   :smile:

 

 

Okay, I wouldn't worry about the hook yet.  That'll come when you're polishing this.  For now, work on the plot points you want to make in your query and getting those crystal clear, because at this point, I'm not sure enough about your plot. 

 

 

So far, I'm taking this to be more of an action/revenge story.  If you're trying to convey "falling in love with the wrong guy", it's not coming across that way.   :huh:

 

 

 

LOL yes it's an action/revenge story but she falls for the wrong guy which is making her mission difficult. I guess I wasn't specific enough in the query, back to the drawing board, haha. But thank you for your feedback  :wub:


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#22 AmberA

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 10:36 PM

Hey Amber!

I'm super stoked you reached out to me! I'm honestly liking your story line a lot, and I feel like it's different than a lot of other stories I'm used to reading in the YA field. I so like the concept of a bad ass, YA superhero. 

As far as your query goes, it's honestly not too bad. You do have a lot of words, so I would suggest cutting some of your sentences into shorter ones. Sometimes a short, concise sentence keeps the reader intrigued. 

To break it all down: 

-I do suggest  re-working the hook. I feel like you have such a cool story that you can find something about it that stands out (aka a young woman plotting revenge on a grown man--that's a huge wow factor). I'd also suggest throwing her age in there. I don't think it was mentioned anywhere in the query. 

-As for the body of your query, I think you should give a little back story on Amber's relationship with her dad and how her life has changed since his death. I do think you should keep how Amber plants drugs in this guy's house, and how she gets caught by his nephew. I'd also suggest doing a lot of tightening in your last two paragraphs because it does get a bit repetitive at times. 

-And for the closing hook, I like how you have clearly stated your stakes, which is, in both ultimatums, death. However, the way you have worded it makes it super hard to read and a bit confusing. Definitely mention her mission and her possible outcomes, but I think if you went a little deeper as to why Johnny means so much to her, it'll be easier for the reader to relate to why she might want to forget her mission. Otherwise it's like, "Girl, you've been planning this mission your whole life, and all of a sudden you want to end it for some guy we barely know?!?!"

 

I hope my comments help you, Amber!

I totally look forward to seeing how this one evolves!

Good luck!

 

 

Than you for your critique! Yes, I'm going to work on the plot and make it stronger! Hopefully the next revision will shine  :wub:


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#23 AmberA

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 12:02 AM

Just Trying different approaches... 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake wants to ruin the life of the ruthless man who made her father commit suicide.  So when she gets the perfect opportunity, at serving justice, she takes it willingly, even if it means ignoring her true love.   

 

Amber was five years old, when the only family she had was stripped away from her, labeling her an orphan.  Ever since that day, Amber is determined to sabotage that man, Mr. Jameson.

 

After she uses Jameson’s sons to get in their house, she executes her first plan. Where she plants drugs and leaves a tip for the police. Amber’s failed attempt at a quick escape puts her on the radar of, Mr. Jameson’s arrogant and handsome nephew​, Johnny. She hates him for always bullying her during family dinners.  

 

Evidently, Johnny, participates in one of Amber’s defense courses, where she kicks his ass. He’s amazed and wants Amber to teach him a few moves. Her first instinct is to punch him in the face. But Johnny’s part of Mr. Jameson’s family. He can give Amber dirt no one knows. Intent on retribution, Amber uses her combat skills for his information. She isn’t counting on discovering feelings for him, Johnny giving her love no one usually did, or learning the reality about the Jameson family that can destroy them. Then Johnny’s true identity is revealed that puts Amber in jeopardy. Now Amber has to choose: finish destroying Mr. Jameson or risk everything to save the only love she had, but both options leads to death.  


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#24 Sataris

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 12:35 AM

Just Trying different approaches... 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake wants to ruin the life of the ruthless man who made her father commit suicide nice clear motivation.  So when she gets the perfect opportunity, at serving justice you can have an opportunity to serve justice, not at serving. or, better yet, "the perfect opportunity to exact her revenge", she takes it willingly, even if it means ignoring her true love. We haven't learned anything about her love interest yet, so this doesn't have all that much oomph. What is the actual opportunity? Can you tell us in just a few words so it isn't quite so vague?  

 

Amber was five years old, when the only family she had was stripped away from her, labeling her an orphan.  Ever since that day, Amber is determined to sabotage that man, Mr. Jameson.

 

 the above is redundant; all it's doing is naming the man mentioned in the first line

 

After she uses Jameson’s sons to get in their house, she executes her first plan. Where she plants drugs and leaves a tip for the police. Amber’s failed attempt at a quick escape puts her on the radar of not sure what this means, Mr. Jameson’s arrogant and handsome nephew​, Johnny. She hates him for always bullying her during family dinners They're family?  

 

I think you could probably cut this whole paragraph and focus more on her getting to know Johnny and planning to use him to get at his father

 

Evidently, Johnny, participates in one of Amber’s defense courses, where she kicks his ass. He’s amazed and wants Amber to teach him a few moves. Her first instinct is to punch him in the face. But Johnny’s part of Mr. Jameson’s family. He can give Amber dirt no one knows. Intent on retribution, Amber uses her combat skills for his information. She isn’t counting on discovering feelings for him, Johnny giving her love no one usually did, or learning the reality about the Jameson family that can destroy them this is too vague to garner interest. Then Johnny’s true identity as what? is revealed that puts Amber in jeopardy. Now Amber has to choose: finish destroying Mr. Jameson or risk everything what is everything? to save the only love she had, but both options leads to death.  How could choosing to leave mr jameson alone result in her death?

 

I think you might be best off cutting out the bulk of this and trying to reorient the query more tightly around Johnny and Amber. It could look something like this:

 

1. Amber wants to ruin the life of Jameson because he bullied her father into suicide (motivation)

2. So she decides to get as close to him as possible by manipulating his Nephew (plan)

3. But she falls in love with Johnny, and exacting her revenge will hurt him somehow (what's stopping her)

4. Amber must choose between revenge and X (I'm not clear what exactly happens if she chooses not to ruin Jameson, but it sounds like there's something there)

 

From there, you could decide which details to add back in. Do we need to know that she plants drugs in his house? Or that she uses his sons to get inside? Or that she's doing defense classes? All of those things are interesting, but we can understand the plot without them.

 

Hope that was helpful! Best of luck.


No current query.


#25 AmberA

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 02:18 AM

I think you might be best off cutting out the bulk of this and trying to reorient the query more tightly around Johnny and Amber. It could look something like this:

 

1. Amber wants to ruin the life of Jameson because he bullied her father into suicide (motivation)

2. So she decides to get as close to him as possible by manipulating his Nephew (plan)

3. But she falls in love with Johnny, and exacting her revenge will hurt him somehow (what's stopping her)

4. Amber must choose between revenge and X (I'm not clear what exactly happens if she chooses not to ruin Jameson, but it sounds like there's something there)

 

From there, you could decide which details to add back in. Do we need to know that she plants drugs in his house? Or that she uses his sons to get inside? Or that she's doing defense classes? All of those things are interesting, but we can understand the plot without them.

 

Hope that was helpful! Best of luck.

 

 

 

Thank you for your critique, it's very helpful :wub:  I feel like I need to start with a different approach too! 


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#26 AmberA

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 02:27 AM

I deleted majority of the things, only because this is a revenge novel. LESS ROMANCE MORE ACTION Haha But then again, it still has a romantic twist 

 

NEW REVISION: 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old, Amber Blake wants to ruin the life of the ruthless man who bullied her father into committing suicide.

 

Amber spends her nights plotting a scheme to destroy Mr. Jameson, and her mornings flirting with his son. She gets invited to Mr. Jameson’s fundraiser. Inside her enemies home, she watches self-observed couples brag about their fortune. The same fortune her father should’ve enjoyed. In a heated moment Amber plants drugs in the library and sends a tip to the police. It sets off a group of events that force her down a risky path filled with angry businessman, convicts, and dirty cops.

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up in town with trouble. He is Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny, but he is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger.

 

Johnny has suspicions and Amber tries to get rid of him. The harder she tries, the closer she’s pulled to him. She learns things about him, she never knew existed. Amber can’t fall in love with Johnny, he'll get in the way of her mission.

 

Now Amber faces an impossible choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only person she was falling in love with.


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#27 Daisy

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 08:19 AM

This query is much better at letting us get to know your main character.  Much better than the original where Amber's only asset seemed to be her hot bod. Thumbs up! 

 

 

I deleted majority of the things, only because this is a revenge novel. LESS ROMANCE MORE ACTION Haha But then again, it still has a romantic twist 

 

NEW REVISION: 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old, Amber Blake wants to ruin the life of the ruthless man who bullied her father into committing suicide. My brother committed suicide so this is near to my heart.  I find that using the word "Bullied" makes it sound sort of high school-ish. Seeing that this is her father rather than a sibling or peer, how about a different word such a drove?    Drove her father to suicide. 

It puts the cause of his suicide at a different level. I believe it would have taken more than a "bully" to make an adult...with children...commit suicide, which is the case since this appears to have been in regards to a large corporation and a fortune.  "Bullied" doesn't capture the scale of it in my mind. (Not poo-pooing bullying, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.) :smile:

 

 

Amber spends her nights plotting a scheme to destroy Mr. Jameson, and her mornings flirting with his son. She's flirting with the son to get to the father, right? The way it's worded now makes it sound like she's attracted to him, so that's not coming across in the right way; that this is part of the scheme to destroy Jameson. 

 

 

 She gets invited to Mr. Jameson’s fundraiser. Inside her enemies enemy's home, she watches self-observed couples brag about their fortune.  Fiddle with the wording here some more.  The writing is sort of...blah and clunky.  :blush:

 

 

The same fortune her father should’ve enjoyed. :smile:

 

 

In a heated moment, Amber plants drugs in the library and sends a tip to the police. :smile:

 

It sets off a group of events that force her down a risky path filled with angry businessman, convicts, and dirty cops. :sad: Boring.  It reads like a shopping list now. 

 

 

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up in town with and he's trouble. He is Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny, but he  is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger.  :smile: Ohhhh, so she knows him from before. Interesting!  Shows there's a connection and I'm not as confused now as in the previous queries. 

 

Johnny has suspicions and Amber tries to get rid of him. Clarify this some more. 

 

The harder she tries, the closer she’s pulled to him.

 

She learns things about him, she never knew existed. Again, this line is sort of boring and vague. 

 

Amber can’t fall in love with Johnny, he'll get in the way of her mission. :smile: I'd choose a different word than "mission".   It'll get in the way of her revenge, or something like that.  Mission sounds like she's a spy or a secret agent. 

 

 

Now Amber faces an impossible choice: Doesn't really seem like an "impossible" choice to me.  LOL  Maybe a tough choice, but not impossible.

 

fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only person she was falling in love with.  This is better than before, but needs a LOT more work still.  Keep fiddling with the wording. You've managed to explain it better, but it's not well written here.  Keep polishing.

 

 

:biggrin:

 

Have at it!  hahaha!



#28 taylorhale

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 10:53 AM

I deleted majority of the things, only because this is a revenge novel. LESS ROMANCE MORE ACTION Haha But then again, it still has a romantic twist 

 

NEW REVISION: 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old,(no comma) Amber Blake wants to ruin the life of the ruthless man who bullied(I agree with the above critique - bully makes it sound teenagey. The man who pushed him to suicide?) her father into committing suicide.

 

Amber spends her nights plotting a scheme to destroy Mr. Jameson, and her mornings flirting with his son. (? I think I liked it better before when it said "And the only way to do that is to get his son to fall in love with her" it makes her motives more clear) She gets invited to Mr. Jameson’s fundraiser. (bland statement - "When she gets invited to Mr. Jameson's fundraiser..." followed by things that happen) Inside her enemies home, she watches self-observed couples brag about their fortune. The same fortune her father should’ve enjoyed. (Why would her dad be part of the fortune? I'm not sure if this detail is necessary, or maybe direct the anger right at Mr. Jameson, not at his house guests. It doesn't feel as meaningful) In a heated moment, Amber plants drugs in the library and sends a tip to the police (cops works better for voice). It sets off a group of events that force her down a risky path filled with angry businessman, convicts, and dirty cops. (A little vague, maybe be more specific)

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up in town with trouble. He is Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny, but he is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger. (Suggestion: "As Amber tries to cover her tracks, Mr. Jameson's arrogant nephew, Johnny, shows up in town. Amber hasn't seen Johnny in years, but he's still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were kids")

 

Johnny has suspicions and Amber tries to get rid of him. The harder she tries, the closer she’s pulled to him. She learns things about him, she never knew existed. Amber can’t fall in love with Johnny, he'll get in the way of her mission. (When Johnny shows suspicion, Amber tries to get rid of him. But the harder she tries, the closer he gets. Amber can't fall in love with Johnny--he'll stand in the way of her mission to destroy his uncle.)

 

Now Amber faces an impossible choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only person she was falling in love with. (redundant. Suggestion: "Now Amber is faced with a choice: to avenge her father, or give up her only shot at love" or something like that lol)

 Hope this helps!



#29 AmberA

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 04:11 PM

Thank you for your feedback @daisy and @taylorhale  :happy:  I'll work on a new version...  :wub:


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#30 AmberA

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 04:46 AM

NEW NEW REVISION (: 
 
Amber Blake isn’t your ordinary senior. She spends her mornings in a self-defense class and nights plotting a plan to destroy a grown man. It’s simple, all she needs is Mr. Jameson's son. 
 
When Amber lures Jameson's son in, she gets invited to the biggest fundraiser of the year. It was hosted by her prime target. She activates plan one, and starts by planting drugs in the library and sends a tip to the cops. Amber waits for the disaster to take place, but nothing happens. No handcuffs or news reporters, only dirty cops. However, it pissed off a group of men, who want to kill the person who’s in charge of the scheme.
 
As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up and he’s trouble. Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny, is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger.
 
Johnny is trying to find the person that wants to destroy his uncle and wants Amber to help him. Although, all the clues are pointing towards her, Amber agrees to help. This was the only way she could push him towards the wrong direction while she covers up her mistakes. As she works with Johnny, she forgot how comforting he was, that made her feel at ease. She finally feels like a normal teenager, with butterflies in her stomach and blushed cheeks. But, she can’t fall in love. She has twice failed to destroy Mr. Jameson, who’s responsible for the death of her father and can’t fail again. 

 

Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only chance to a normal life.


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#31 AmberA

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 03:35 PM

Hmm. I like this revision... With two different paras. ( will happily critique yours in exchange !) 

 

Amber wants to destroys the man who drove her father to commit suicide.

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake spends her senior year plotting a scheme to destroy Mr. Jameson. All she needs is to lure Jameson’s son in. Which isn’t hard. When she gets invited to a fundraiser hosted by her prime target, she activates plan one. She starts by planting drugs in the library, then sends a tip to the cops. Amber waits for the disaster to take place, but nothing happens. No handcuffs or news reporters, she only upsets dirty cops and angry men. 

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up and he’s trouble. Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny, is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger.

 

Johnny is trying to find the person that wants to destroy his uncle and wants Ambers help. Although, all the clues are pointing towards her, Amber agrees to help. She needs to push him towards the wrong direction while she covers up her mistakes. As she works with Johnny, she remembers how comforting he was, that made her feel at ease. She finally feels like a normal teenager. But, she can’t fall in love. She has twice failed to destroy Mr. Jameson, and can’t fail again. 

 

Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only chance to a normal life.


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#32 EmperorOfTheNorth

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 03:49 PM

Hmm. I like this revision... With two different paras. ( will happily critique yours in exchange !) 
 
Amber wants to destroys the man who drove her father to commit suicide. (I think it needs a bit more in the hook)
 
Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake spent her entire high school years plotting a scheme to destroy a grown men (man?). All she needs is to lure Jameson’s son in, (Who is Jameson?) which isn’t hard. When she gets invited to a fundraiser hosted by her prime target, she activates plan one. (Who is the prime target?)[/size]She starts by planting drugs in the library, then sends a tip to the cops. Amber waits for the disaster to take place, but nothing happens. No handcuffs or news reporters, only dirty cops and angry men. [/size]

I like this part about planting drugs

 
As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up and he’s trouble. (Explain more. Trouble how?) Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny, is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger.[/size] (color me confused)
 
Johnny is trying to find the person that wants to destroy his uncle and wants Ambers help. Although, all the clues are pointing towards her, Amber agrees to help. This was the only way she could push him towards the wrong direction while she covers up her mistakes. As she works with Johnny, she forgot how comforting he was, that made her feel at ease. She finally feels like a normal teenager, with butterflies in her stomach and blushed cheeks. But, she can’t fall in love. She has twice failed to destroy Mr. Jameson, who’s responsible for the death of her father and can’t fail again. [/size] (I feel like we are getting into synopsis or summary territory here)
 
Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only chance to a normal life.[/size]

(verbiage in last part us unclear)

I like the concept. It is excellent. Some of the verbiage sounds clunky or confusing. And this could use some tightening. But it is coming along.
Go on and stamp your forms, sonny.

#33 VSChapman

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 06:51 PM

Hmm. I like this revision... With two different paras. ( will happily critique yours in exchange !) 

 

Amber wants to destroys the man who drove her father to commit suicide. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake spent her entire high school years plotting a scheme to destroy a grown men (Personally, I would use the guy's actual name so it's clear). All she needs is to lure Jameson’s son in (I'm guessing the man she wants to destroy is Jameson? I would move his name up then keep this line simple by saying his son. Otherwise it's confusing. The way it's written Jameson could be someone else). Which isn’t hard. When she gets invited to a fundraiser hosted by her prime target, she activates plan one. She starts by planting drugs in the library, then sends a tip to the cops. Amber waits for the disaster to take place, but nothing happens. No handcuffs or news reporters, only dirty cops and angry men.

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up and he’s trouble. Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny, is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger.

 

Johnny is trying to find the person that wants to destroy his uncle and wants Ambers help. Although, all the clues are pointing towards her, Amber agrees to help. This was the only way she could She needs to push him towards the wrong direction while she covers up her mistakes. As she works with Johnny, she forgot remembers? how comforting he was, that made her feel at ease. She finally feels like a normal teenager, with butterflies in her stomach and blushed cheeks. But, she can’t fall in love. She has twice failed to destroy Mr. Jameson, who’s responsible for the death of her father and can’t fail again.

 

Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only chance to a normal life.

I just glimpsed at the last two revisions and I think they're getting better. Really, I think it needs to be cleared up in the beginning. If you name the bad guy at the end, why not name him in the beginning so we're not guessing. The flow is good though and overall it's pretty good. 



#34 AmberA

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 03:32 AM

NEW NEW EDITS (:  Will return the critiques  ( Thank you for your comments  :wink: )

 

 

Amber wants to ruin the life of the man who drove her father to commit suicide.

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake spends her senior year plotting a scheme to destroy Mr. Jameson. All she needs is to lure Jameson’s son inWhich isn’t hard for the hottest senior in high school. When she gets invited to a fundraiser hosted by her prime target, she activates plan one. Amber starts by planting drugs in the library, then sends a tip to the cops. She lingers around for the disaster to take place, but nothing happens. No handcuffs or news reporters, instead she provokes dirty cops and bitter men. 

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up and he’s trouble. Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny. He is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger.

 

Johnny is trying to find the person that wants to destroy his uncle and wants Ambers help. Although, all the clues are pointing towards her, Amber agrees to help. She needs to lead him towards the wrong direction while she covers up her mistakes. As she works with Johnny, she remembers how comforting he was, and how he made her feel at ease. or should I say ( As she works with Johnny, she remembers how comforting he was, and how he used to always make her feel right at home. ) She finally feels like a normal teenager when she's around him. But, she can’t fall in love. She has twice failed to destroy Mr. Jameson, and can’t fail again. 

 

Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only chance at a normal life.


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#35 Springfield

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 12:10 PM

NEW NEW EDITS (:  Will return the critiques  ( Thank you for your comments  :wink: )

 

 

Amber wants to ruin the life of the man who drove her father to commit suicide. Ok, but I need more info.

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake spends her senior year plotting a scheme to destroy Mr. Jameson. Who is? Because? All she needs is to lure Jameson’s son in. To? Which isn’t hard for the hottest senior in high school. This isn't a sentence. When she gets invited to a fundraiser hosted by her prime target, she activates plan one. Which is? I feel ike this whole query is playing coy, which is offputting. Amber starts by planting drugs in the library, then sends a tip to the cops. She lingers around for the disaster to take place, but nothing happens. No handcuffs or news reporters, instead she provokes dirty cops and bitter men. I don't get what this means.

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, Cover her tracks? Nothing happened. a former flame shows up and he’s trouble. Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny. He is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger. When who was younger? 

 

Johnny is trying to find the person that wants to destroy his uncle This makes no sense -- nothing happened, how would anyone, let alone a distant, out-of-town relative, conclude from cops getting a random anonymous tip that there were drugs at a party, that someone wanted to "destroy his uncle?". and wants Ambers help. Why? Although, all the clues are pointing towards her, Amber agrees to help. She needs to lead him towards the wrong direction while she covers up her mistakes. As she works with Johnny, she remembers how comforting he was, and how he made her feel at ease. or should I say ( As she works with Johnny, she remembers how comforting he was, and how he used to always make her feel right at home. ) I don't know what it refers to at all; there's no information. She finally feels like a normal teenager when she's around him. But, she can’t fall in love. She has twice failed to destroy Mr. Jameson,huh? and can’t fail again. 

 

Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only chance at a normal life.

 

I'm lost -- there's too much info missing, and the query feels like a synopsis as it is. The a-to-b-to-c logic isn't clear at all, and there are grammar and punctuation issues throughout.



#36 AmberA

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 05:11 PM

I'm lost -- there's too much info missing, and the query feels like a synopsis as it is. The a-to-b-to-c logic isn't clear at all, and there are grammar and punctuation issues throughout.

 

 

 

I'll try my best to address your concerns on my latest edit. Thank you for your critique  :happy:


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#37 mindy24601

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 06:12 PM

NEW NEW EDITS (:  Will return the critiques  ( Thank you for your comments  :wink: )

 

 

Amber wants to ruin the life of the man who drove her father to commit suicide. okay fine

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake spends her senior year plotting a scheme to destroy Mr. Jameson. who i assume caused her father's suicide? i feel maybe mention his name above. Amber wants to ruin the life of Mr Jameson: the man whose actions drove her father to suicide. All she needs is to lure Jameson’s son inshe wants to kill the son? hardly seems fair Which isn’t hard for the hottest senior in high school. good When she gets invited to a fundraiser hosted by her prime target the son? how old is he? is it legal for him to go for a high school kid if he's hosting fundraisers?, she activates plan one. Amber starts by planting drugs in the library,so jameson's son is in high school? it's a high school fundraiser? then sends a tip to the cops. She lingers around for the disaster to take place, but nothing happens. No handcuffs or news reporters, instead she provokes dirty cops and bitter men. what bitter men? jameson? jameson's son? i'm confused

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up and he’s trouble. and he's trouble sounds juvenile. maybe make two sentences Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny. He is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger. are these second two sentences necessary?

 

Johnny is trying to find the person that wants to destroy his uncle and wants Ambers Amber's help. Although, all the clues are pointing towards her, what clues? what for? Amber agrees to help. She needs to lead him towards the wrong direction while she covers up her mistakes.this is too vague, which makes it confusing As she works with Johnny, she remembers how comforting he was, and how he made her feel at ease. or should I say ( As she works with Johnny, she remembers how comforting he was, and how he used to always make her feel right at home. ) She finally feels like a normal teenager when she's around him. But, she can’t fall in love. She has twice failed to destroy Mr. Jameson, and can’t fail again. 

 

Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only chance at a normal life.

okay, a couple of things: 

 

1) i feel this is too vague. i keep getting confused. vague usually leads to cliches as well (all clues pointing towards her, cover up her mistakes)

2) your language lapses in a few places. be careful. 

3) your protagonist almost sounds like a vengeful villain, if that's what you're going for 

 

please consider donating your thoughts: http://agentquerycon...ry-ya-fantasy/ 



#38 Daisy

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 09:35 PM

NEW NEW EDITS (:  Will return the critiques  ( Thank you for your comments  :wink: )

 

 

Amber wants ​can you choose a stronger word than "wants"? This is the opening, the hook. to ruin the life of the man who drove her father to commit suicide. ​Okay, now that you've whittled it down to the meat I think you might want to put something more about Jameson in here instead of "the man" to bring it to life a bit more.  

 

 

​Off the top of my head:  

 

 

​Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake intends to destroy <First Name> Jameson; a business associate who drove her father to suicide. 

 

 

​Play around with what you have a bit to breathe some more life into your characters.   :smile:  

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake spends her senior year plotting a scheme to destroy Mr. Jameson. All she needs is to lure Jameson’s son inWhich isn’t hard for the hottest senior in high school.   

 

​I don't know.  I don't really like the flow of this. Fiddle around the wording a bit to make it sound more exciting.  Nothing major, but I think it's missing a little "oomph".

​If the previous sentence is your hook, you need to start to reel me in here.  The sentences aren't flowing nicely.

 

​for example: The high school senior is confident she can seduce Jameson's son and... ​(Tease me with her planned revenge here)

 

 

 

When she ​Amber gets invited to a fundraiser hosted by  her prime target, ​Jameson.  keep it simple so this is easy to follow.  she activates plan one. Amber ​ she starts by planting ​plants drugs in the library , then sends a tip to the cops. She lingers around for the disaster ​I think this needs a better word than disaster. to take place, but nothing happens. No handcuffs or news reporters, instead she provokes dirty cops and bitter men. <-- ​reword that. It's vague and adds nothing.  

 

 

As she attempts to cover her tracks from that night, a former flame shows up and he’s trouble. Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny. He is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger.  

 

 

Johnny is trying to find the person that ​who wants to destroy his uncle and wants ​asks for Amber​'s help. ​ (and asks Amber for help.)

 

 

Although all the clues are pointing towards her, Amber agrees to help. 

 

 

​Amber agrees so she can She needs to lead him towards  ​in the wrong direction while she covers up her mistakes. (and cover up some mistakes she made?) ​You never mentioned any mistakes earlier.  

 

 

As she works with Johnny, she remembers how comforting he was, ​is   and how he made her feel at ease. or should I say ( As she works with Johnny, she remembers how comforting he was, and how he used to always make her feel right at home. )  ​Neither of those are really coming across as strong enough emotions for this situation.  Make it more dramatic.  Comforting? Grandmas are comforting too.   :tongue:  Show me her intense attraction and feelings here that are going to throw a wrench in everything she's planned!   :biggrin: 

 

 

She finally feels like a normal teenager when she's around him.  ​Nah.  She is a normal teenager.  Dig deeper if you want to tell me how he really makes her feel.  

 

But, she can’t fall in love.

 

She has twice failed to destroy Mr. Jameson, and can’t fail again. ​I'd reword this part.  The tension should be building and building and by now.  "Can't fail again" is just sort of boring.  

 

 

Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and threaten her plan blowing in her face, or continue her mission and lose the only chance at a normal life. ​Play with the wording a bit more here. 

 

 

I'm on the fence with this one.  What I liked about the other query is that you showed more of the tension between Amber and Johnny. 

That's missing from this query. 

Now, he's coming across as nothing more than a possible love interest.

In the other one, you did a sort of teasing...is Johnny her love interest or the villain.  I kind of enjoyed that more. The Johnny here is sort of flat.  

If I were you, I'd bring parts of the last version back and continue tweaking them.

 

:wub:

 

 

Hope that helps!



#39 AmberA

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 10:01 PM

This might answer some concerns   :wink: 

 

Seventeen-year-old Amber Blake has nightmares about her father's death. Her shrink tells her to tell them what happened that night, but for some reason "my dad was drinking whiskey before he shot himself in the temple..” doesn’t always work. What does work is plotting a scheme to destroy Bradley Jameson; a chief executive who drove her father to suicide.


When Jameson’s son, asks Amber to join him at his father's annual fundraiser, she can’t even respond without sounding like a sociopath. But, when she plants drugs in the library and sends a tip to the cops, she remembers that she forgot to wipe her prints off the package. Amber is left with a lot of regret, but she also catches Mr. Jameson's attention. All the clues keep leading towards her, but her relationship with his son is the only thing saving her.


As she attempts to cover her tracks this time, an old flame shows up.  Jameson’s arrogant nephew, Johnny, is still the same handsome mischief-maker from when they were younger. He’s sent to catch the man who’s in charge of all these sleazy plans. Although, all the clues are pointing towards Amber, she volunteers to help, in order to cover up her mistakes. As she works with Johnny, she is drawn by his fearless actions and ability to open up to her. He makes her feel admired and optimistic. But, she can’t fall in love.


Now Amber faces a tough choice: fall in love with Johnny and not serve justice for her late father, or continue her mission and lose the only chance at a normal life.


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#40 AmberA

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 10:19 PM

I'm on the fence with this one.  What I liked about the other query is that you showed more of the tension between Amber and Johnny. 

That's missing from this query. 

Now, he's coming across as nothing more than a possible love interest.

In the other one, you did a sort of teasing...is Johnny her love interest or the villain.  I kind of enjoyed that more. The Johnny here is sort of flat.  

If I were you, I'd bring parts of the last version back and continue tweaking them.

 

:wub:

 

 

Hope that helps!

 

 

 

Thank you for your amazing feedback!! It's always helping me craft better query's   :wub:


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461






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