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Ya-Query: New edits

Fiction Adventure Young Adult

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#81 alibi174

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Posted 29 January 2018 - 09:29 AM

Seventeen-year-old Amber's mission in life is to ruin Bradley Jameson. Bradley deserves it––his false accusations of embezzlement drove Amber's father to suicide. And he needs to pay. [I REALLY like this intro!]

 

Amber creates a new identity to seduce Henry, Bradley's son her ticket to an invite into Bradley's home. In her first of many attempts to destroy Bradley, Amber plants drugs in his library and sends a tip to the cops, hoping to wreak havoc. Instead, the cops that show up turn out to be crooked––they're on Bradley's payroll and leave without questioning him. [this sentences doesn't have the emotional punch as your previous ones.] Amber's after a man who's proving to be untouchable. [I don't necessarily feel like this sentence is evident from what you have said in the previous sentence. Maybe make it a little clearer?]

 

Things get complicated when Amber encounters an old admirer. [this sentence feels vague to me] It’s Bradley’s nephew, Johnny a charming playboy.  Amber needs to get rid of Johnny before he exposes her true identity and gets in the way of her scheme. But as much as Amber hates to admit it, the more time she spends with Johnny, the more she wants to kiss him, not make him disappear.

 

Bradley and his son are getting suspicious and with each scheme Bradley wriggles out of,  she gets closer to being exposed--- time to complete her plan is running out. Now Amber must choose between pursuing revenge against a powerful man, who could frame her like her father with a snap of his fingers, or bail on her plans and live the rest of her life knowing she's let her father down.[this ending is much stronger!]


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#82 PureZhar3

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Posted 29 January 2018 - 06:07 PM

Seventeen-year-old Amber's mission in life is to ruin Bradley Jameson. Bradley deserves it––his false accusations of embezzlement drove Amber's father to suicide. And he needs to pay.

 

Amber creates a new identity to seduce Henry, Bradley's son her ticket to an invite into Bradley's home. In her first of many attempts to destroy Bradley This could be strengthened (it clearly implies she fails, maybe make it more of a question... "Her first plan to destroy Bradley involves..." or something such, Amber plants drugs in his library and sends a tip to the cops, hoping to wreak havoc. Instead, the cops that show up turn out it might help to condense this "show up turn out" bit to be crooked––they're on Bradley's payroll and leave without questioning him. Amber's after a man who's proving to be untouchable.

 

Things get complicated when Amber encounters an old admirer. It’s Bradley’s nephew, Johnny a charming playboy. Can you frame this as more of a "Not only that, but suddenly Amber is on a timer: Bradley's nephew Johnny comes to visit. As an old admirer, he knows who Amber is, and she needs to get rid of the charming playboy before..." You know, give a sense of urgency rather than complications? Amber needs to get rid of Johnny before he exposes her true identity and gets in the way of her scheme. But as much as Amber hates to admit it, the more time she spends with Johnny, the more she wants to kiss him, not make him disappear. This is better, but I'm still not totally sure how Johnny fits into all this... can you be more specific as to why he shows up, when they're spending time together, etc?

 

Bradley and his son are getting suspicious and with each scheme Bradley wriggles out of,  she gets closer to being exposed--- time to complete her plan is running out. Now Amber must choose between pursuing revenge against a powerful man, who could frame her like her father with a snap of his fingers, or bail on her plans and live the rest of her life knowing she's let her father down. This last paragraph could be strengthened, I think just with rephrasing (see what other people think)

 

Much better! Overall, the whole Johnny paragraph is tripping me up. I simply don't see how he fits in well, beyond being a convenient plot device and love interest (I'm sure he makes sense, it's simply not being conveyed to me). Hopefully this all helps!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#83 AmberA

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 06:23 AM

Took a break for a couple weeks, but I’m back THIS IS MY LATEST REVISION. ( will return critiques !)


Seventeen-year-old Amber's mission in life is to ruin Bradley Jameson. Bradley deserves it––his false accusations of embezzlement drove Amber's father to suicide. And he needs to pay.
 
Amber creates a new identity to seduce Henry, Bradley's son, and lands a ticket into Bradley's home. In her first of many attempts to destroy Bradley, Amber plants drugs in his library and sends a tip to the cops, hoping to wreak havoc. Instead, the cops that show up turn out to be crooked––they're on Bradley's payroll and leave without questioning him. Amber's after a man who's untouchable.
 
Things get complicated and Amber’s on a timer: Bradley’s nephew, Johnny is in town. As an old admirer he knows who Amber is, and she needs to get rid of him before he exposes her true identity and gets in the way of her scheme. But as much as Amber hates to admit it, the more time she spends with Johnny, the more she wants to kiss him, not make him disappear. 
 
Bradley and his son are getting suspicious of Amber, and with each scheme, she gets closer to being exposed. Time is running out. Now Amber must choose between pursuing revenge against a powerful man, who could frame her or bail on her plans and live the rest of her life knowing she's let her father down.

Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=352035


#84 JMB

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 08:07 AM

Your query now reads quite smoothly. Good job on the revisions. Unfortunately, the plot reads a lot like the TV show Revenge.

“A young woman named Emily Thorne (VanCamp) comes to the Hamptons and rents a beach house (previously her childhood home) next door to the mansion of a wealthy family, the Graysons. Emily is actually Amanda Clarke, whose father was framed by the Graysons for treason when she was a little girl.”

#85 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 08:11 AM

I'm too tired to do any editing right now, but the above comment just made me want to post this: https://justinelarba...ot-andor-ideas/

 

Don't worry about whether a TV show's plot resembles your book. Whenever I see elements of my book in other places I panic, but it's really not about that.



#86 Emily804

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Posted 25 February 2018 - 11:30 AM

Took a break for a couple weeks, but I’m back THIS IS MY LATEST REVISION. ( will return critiques !)


Seventeen-year-old Amber's mission in life is to ruin Bradley Jameson. Bradley deserves it––his false accusations of embezzlement drove Amber's father to suicide. And he needs to pay.
 
Amber creates a new identity to seduce Henry, Bradley's son, and lands a ticket into Bradley's home. In her first of many attempts to destroy Bradley, Amber plants drugs in his library and sends a tip to the cops, hoping to wreak havoc. Instead, the cops that show up turn out to be crooked––they're on Bradley's payroll and leave without questioning him. Amber's after a man who's untouchable.
 
Things get complicated and Amber’s on a timer. Bradley’s nephew, Johnny is in town. As an old admirer he knows who Amber is (This is a bit awkward, consider rephrasing.), and she needs to get rid of him before he exposes her true identity and gets in the way of her scheme. But as much as Amber hates to admit it, the more time she spends with Johnny, the more she wants to kiss him, not make him disappear. 

Suggestion: "Amber's on a timer. Johnny is in town. He's an old admirer and she needs to get rid of him before he exposes her true identity." 

It's probably not important to know that he's Bradley's nephew. Also, you don't need to say "he knows who Amber is" because saying "she needs to get rid of him before he exposes her true identity" is enough. 
 
Bradley and his son are getting suspicious of Amber, and with each scheme, she gets closer to being exposed. Time is running out. Now Amber must choose between pursuing revenge against a powerful man, who could frame her or bailing on her plans and living the rest of her life knowing she's let her father down.

 

Overall it's really good! You just have a couple of issues with phrasing but they shouldn't be too hard to fix. Good luck! 


Query Compatibility YA sci-fi: http://agentquerycon...lity-ya-sci-fi/


#87 Nikita

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Posted 25 February 2018 - 09:21 PM

Took a break for a couple weeks, but I’m back THIS IS MY LATEST REVISION. ( will return critiques !)


Seventeen-year-old Amber's mission in life is to ruin Bradley Jameson. Bradley deserves it––his false accusations of embezzlement drove Amber's father to suicide. And he needs to pay. Love this opening.
 
Amber creates a new identity to seduce Henry, Bradley's son, and lands a ticket into Bradley's home. It might just be how I read it, but it took me a minute to realize that the 'ticket into Bradley's home' was a result of her becoming involved with Henry, and not that her new identity allowed her to gain a job or something similar to gain access to Bradley's home. I was just mildly confused at first. In her first of many attempts to destroy Bradley, Amber plants drugs in his library and sends a tip to the cops, hoping to wreak havoc. Instead, the cops that show up turn out to be crooked––they're on Bradley's payroll and leave without questioning him. Amber's after a man who's untouchable.
 
Things get complicated and Amber’s on a timer: Bradley’s nephew, Johnny is in town. As an old admirer he knows who Amber is, and she needs to get rid of him before he exposes her true identity and gets in the way of her scheme. But as much as Amber hates to admit it, the more time she spends with Johnny, the more she wants to kiss him, not make him disappear. If they're spending time together, it would seem Johnny knows what she's up to and is keeping her identity a secret thus far. What makes Amber think he'll change his mind? I think it could use a few more details here, because I'm having some difficulty understanding the urgency. 
 
Bradley and his son are getting suspicious of Amber, and with each scheme, she gets closer to being exposed. Time is running out. Now Amber must choose between pursuing revenge against a powerful man,get rid of this comma who could frame hercomma or bail on her plans and live the rest of her life knowing she's let her father down.

This query seems like it's almost ready!







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