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The Horror of Skorengard


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#1 The Drowned Man

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Posted 09 January 2018 - 03:42 AM

Tell me what you guys think! Thanks! 

 

Dear Agent

 

When it comes to killing monsters, Thane Grimheart only has one rule; survive. Well, that and get paid. Having survived a series of brutal trials that elevate his speed, strength, and agility to superhuman levels, Thane belongs to a dying breed of elite monster hunters known as Huntsman. Feared and cursed as a mutant by an ever-alienating society, Thane is forced to live a solitary life spent trekking through murky swamps and dense woodlands in search of work in a world that seems determined to discard him.

 

After having successfully hunted down a griffin for the Inner Kingdoms most powerful guild, the Citadel, Thane returns to collect the bounty, but to his surprise is offered a superior contract; to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness. The catch? He must work with a partner, something he vowed to never do again. To make things worse, Solarra is a young brash Alchemist whose privileged slaver background has led her to expect that the world should bow to her every whim. Unable to pass up such a prized contract, Thane grudgingly accepts and together he and Solarra ride north for Skorengard, a realm teeming with savage northmen and vicious mythical creatures beyond count. To survive Thane and Solarra must set aside their differences and come to terms that not all monsters have fangs and claws, but can be found much closer to home.



#2 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 12:49 AM

Dear Agent,

 

When it comes to killing monsters, Thane Grimheart only has one rule: colon not semi-colon here survive. Well, that and get paid. Noooo this ruins the nice oomph of the preceding sentence. Maybe something like "...Thane Grimheart has two rules: Survive, get paid." Also, neither of these are rules, they're goals/objectives. I suggest replacing "rules" Having survived a series of brutal trials that elevate his speed, strength, and agility to superhuman levels, Thane belongs to a dying breed of elite monster hunters known as Huntsman. hellz yeah *air guitar* Feared and cursed as a mutant by an ever-alienating society, Thane is forced to lives a solitary life spent trekking through murky swamps and dense woodlands in search of work in a world that seems determined to discard himThe last bit is redundant; it was covered by the first bit. 

 

After having successfully hunting down a griffin for the Inner Kingdom's apostrophe here most powerful guild, the Citadel, Thane returns to collect the bounty, and to his surprise is offered a superior contract: colon again not semi-colon to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness. YESSSS I need this book in my liiifffeee. The catch? He must work with a partner, something he vowed to never do again. To make things worse, 

 

good time for a new paragraph! Solarra is a young brash Alchemist with a privileged slaver background has led her to expect that the world should bow to her every whim. You don't need to use my suggestion, of course, but again the second part of the sentence can be summed up by 'privileged.' Unable to pass up such a prized contract, Thane grudgingly accepts.
 

 

good time for a new paragraph! short paragraphs = happy agents. They spend all day in front of their screens. Together he and Solarra ride north for Skorengard, a realm teeming with savage northmen and vicious mythicalmythical? but they're real in this world, so they're not mythical. you can say monsters, demons, etc, which would also happily negate the need for the word 'vicious.' creatures beyond count. To survive, absolutely need a comma here. The first time I read it as, "To survive Thane, Solarra must..." Thane and Solarra must set aside their differences and come to terms realize/learn that not all monsters have fangs and claws. but Some can be found much closer to home. 

 

Don't forget to add title, genre, and word count.

 

This book sounds flipping AWESOME and your query is pretty strong. It mostly just needs to be tightened/shortened. Good luck!



#3 The Drowned Man

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 01:53 AM

Thank you for your feedback mate! Cheers! I found your comments to be both very helpful and funny! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Hopefully, it will be on the bookshelves soon! I followed many of your suggestions as I completely agree, however, I'm still hesitant to break the query into so many little paragraphs. I understand the concept behind wanting the paragraphs to be short and thanks to your edits I was able to cut about 30 words or so, but I strongly feel that breaking the query into so many paragraphs makes it feel too splintered if that makes sense? Below is my current query! Rip it to bloody shreds, everyone! Cheers and thanks again! 

 

Dear Agent

 

When it comes to killing monsters, Thane Grimheart only has two rules: survive and get paid. Subjected to brutal trials that have increased his speed, strength, and agility to superhuman levels, Thane belongs to a dying breed of elite monster hunters known as Huntsman. Feared by an alienating society, Thane lives a solitary life trekking through murky swamps and dense woodlands in search of work.

 

After successfully hunting down a griffin for the Inner Kingdom’s most powerful guild, Thane returns to collect the bounty, and is offered a superior contract: to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness. The catch? He must work with a partner, something he vowed to never do again. Solarra is a young brash Alchemist with a privileged slaver background. Unable to pass up such a prized contract, Thane grudgingly accepts. Together he and Solarra ride north for Skorengard, a lawless realm teeming with savage northmen and voracious monsters. To survive, the Huntsman and the Alchemist must set aside their differences and come to the realization that not all monsters have fangs and claws. Some can be found much closer to home.

 

The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror of Skorengard is a complete 140,000 word adult epic fantasy novel with strong sequel potential that will appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and Glen Cook’s The Black Company.



#4 lnloft

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 05:20 PM

Thank you for your feedback mate! Cheers! I found your comments to be both very helpful and funny! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Hopefully, it will be on the bookshelves soon! I followed many of your suggestions as I completely agree, however, I'm still hesitant to break the query into so many little paragraphs. I understand the concept behind wanting the paragraphs to be short and thanks to your edits I was able to cut about 30 words or so, but I strongly feel that breaking the query into so many paragraphs makes it feel too splintered if that makes sense? Below is my current query! Rip it to bloody shreds, everyone! Cheers and thanks again! 

 

Dear Agent

 

When it comes to killing monsters, Thane Grimheart only has two rules: survive and get paid. Good start. Subjected to brutal trials that have increased his speed, strength, and agility to superhuman levels, Thane belongs to a dying breed of elite monster hunters known as Huntsman Huntsmen?. Feared by an alienating society, Thane lives a solitary life trekking through murky swamps and dense woodlands in search of work. I want a little something more from these latter two sentences, however. I guess my main thing is I'm a little confused about this whole monster-hunting thing works. Like who subjected him to these trials? Were the trials magically imbue him with these powers, or was it more just super-duper training makes you super-duper good? (I hope the distinction of what I'm trying to ask there comes out clear.) And why is society so afraid of him? One would think they would accept the guy who's saving them from monsters, and if they're so mistrusting of him, then why are they still willing to pay him? I don't necessarily need answers to all of these things, but I would keep them in mind as you play around with some tweaks.

 

After successfully hunting down a griffin for the Inner Kingdom’s most powerful guild, Thane returns to collect the bounty, and is offered a superior contract Superior to what? The contract he just completed? This makes it sound like he's not getting paid for the job he just completed: to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, a nameless Isn't "the horror of Skorengard" it's name? bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness. The catch: ? H he must work with a partner, something he vowed to never do again. Why to both things? Solarra is a young brash Alchemist Why the capitalization? with a privileged slaver background. Unable to pass up such a prized contract, Thane grudgingly accepts. Together he and Solarra ride north for Skorengard, a lawless realm teeming with savage northmen and voracious monsters. To survive, the Huntsman and the Alchemist must set aside their differences and come to the realization that not all monsters have fangs and claws. Some can be found much closer to home. This last little bit is too vague. I don't have any clue what the threat closer to home is.

 

The Huntsman and the Alchemist: The Horror of Skorengard THE HUNTSMAN AND THE ALCHEMIST: THE HORROR OF SKORENGARD [all caps your title] is a complete 140,000 word adult epic fantasy novel with strong sequel potential that will appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and Glen Cook’s The Black Company.

This is a solid query. For such a long manuscript (really toeing the edge of too long for a first-time author, but I hate harping on length, and you're not quite in the auto-reject range, just the making-things-more-difficult-for-yourself range), you've managed to succinctly distill things down. Most of my comments are nitpicks. Biggest gripe is that last little bit that I underlined, because I don't know what the stakes are with that. So toy with that, answer maybe one or two questions I had for your hook, probably answer why he needs to work with a partner. But you're already sitting in a good spot.

 

Regarding the paragraphs, I think you're fine. I've seen people have many really short paragraphs, and in my opinion it does get choppy. You don't have a giant block of text, and what's all together in your main paragraph flows from one piece to another. If you add more, you might want to think about splitting it once, just to make sure you don't get that giant block of text, but that honestly is something that's visual more than anything else.

 

Good job so far, and good luck with the rest.



#5 The Drowned Man

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 06:35 PM

This is a solid query. For such a long manuscript (really toeing the edge of too long for a first-time author, but I hate harping on length, and you're not quite in the auto-reject range, just the making-things-more-difficult-for-yourself range), you've managed to succinctly distill things down. Most of my comments are nitpicks. Biggest gripe is that last little bit that I underlined, because I don't know what the stakes are with that. So toy with that, answer maybe one or two questions I had for your hook, probably answer why he needs to work with a partner. But you're already sitting in a good spot.

 

Regarding the paragraphs, I think you're fine. I've seen people have many really short paragraphs, and in my opinion it does get choppy. You don't have a giant block of text, and what's all together in your main paragraph flows from one piece to another. If you add more, you might want to think about splitting it once, just to make sure you don't get that giant block of text, but that honestly is something that's visual more than anything else.

 

Good job so far, and good luck with the rest.

Thanks mate for your feedback! I really appreciate it! I found your comments immensely helpful! Like seriously! I cant believe I didnt catch the Huntsman-Huntsmen thing in the first paragraph.... *eye roll* Ill post my now updated query below



#6 The Drowned Man

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 06:37 PM

This is the current version of the query! Rip it to shreds! Cheers! 

 

When it comes to killing monsters, Thane Grimheart only has two rules: survive and get paid. Subjected to brutal trials that have increased his speed, strength, and agility to superhuman levels, Thane belongs to a dying breed of elite monster hunters known as Huntsmen. Feared by an alienating society as a mutant, Thane lives a solitary life trekking through murky swamps and dense woodlands in search of work.

 

After successfully hunting down a griffin for the Inner Kingdom’s most powerful guild, Thane collects his bounty and is offered a superior contract: to hunt down the Horror of Skorengard, an elusive bloodthirsty creature that stalks a vast and untamed northern wilderness. The catch: he must work with a partner, an agent of the guild, something he vowed to never do again. Solarra is a young brash Alchemist with a privileged slaver background and a rather high opinion of herself. Unable to pass up such a prized contract, Thane grudgingly accepts. Together he and Solarra ride north for Skorengard, a lawless realm teeming with savage northmen and voracious predators. To survive, the Huntsman and the Alchemist must set aside their differences as they struggle to hunt down a vicious creature in a world where people often prove more wicked than beasts.

 

 

THE HUNTSMAN AND THE ALCHEMIST: THE HORROR OF SKORENGARD is a complete 140,000 word adult epic fantasy novel with strong sequel potential that will appeal to fans of Andrzej Sapkowski’s The Witcher and Glen Cook’s The Black Company.






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