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Ivaldi

epic fantasy scandinavian gods middle grade adventure

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#1 SabinaUNNU

SabinaUNNU

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Posted 09 January 2018 - 03:15 PM

Sabina Unnu

 

ALLIANCE

Ivaldi

 

 

Catch

The fishermen took out a full net and threw it to the bottom of the boat.

‘Good fishing, Stenvord.’

‘Good? Come on, Björn! It’s excellent! The first great catch since long ago
!’

‘Right’, hIs friend agreed. ‘BuT can you see how black the horizon is?..’

‘Never mind, buddy! Those are just clouds
! We’ll get back to the shore before they even catch up with us. Look, it would be a good idea to thank the sea for its gifts. It’s so nice to us today, isn’t it? Hey, sea! Do you here me?’, the young fisherman shouted into the distance, his hands folded in a mouthpiece.

As a sign of approval, the wave rocked the boat slightly.

 ‘Thank you, sea, for pampering us today!

Stenvord was freeing the fish from the net; his hands were shaking with excitement. But even the friend’s childish joy could not distract Björn’s restless thoughts from the huge cloud slithering lazily toward them.

The fish were trying to slip out of the Viking’s strong hands, beating him with  their tail fins. But breaking out of those strong hands was not easy, so the fish pierced Stenvord’s fingers and made him scream in pain.

‘Go to hell!’, the Viking shouted angrily and threw the sea bass aside. 

‘Why the exaltation, Sten?’,  exclaimed Björn. ‘You are excited like a spring chicken anticipating a date with his yellow-faced sweetheart!’
 

Stenvord noticed that his friend’s lips curled in a sneer. He didn’t answer, though. Björn was amused by the Viking’s sensitivity, which still increased his desire to annoy the vulnerable young man. Once again he saw that Stenvord looked like his younger brother. 



#2 lnloft

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Posted 16 January 2018 - 04:06 PM

 

Sabina Unnu

 

ALLIANCE

Ivaldi

 

 

Catch

The fishermen took out a full net and threw it to the bottom of the boat.

‘Good fishing, Stenvord.’

‘Good? Come on, Björn! It’s excellent! The first great catch since long ago
!’

‘Right’, hIs his friend agreed. ‘BuT But can you see how black the horizon is?..Why the ellipses-that-aren't-actually-ellipses-because-ellipses-have-three-dots after the question mark?

‘Never mind, buddy! Those are just clouds
! We’ll get back to the shore before they even catch up with us. Look, it would be a good idea to thank the sea for its gifts. It’s so nice to us today, isn’t it? Hey, sea! Do you here hear me?’, the young fisherman shouted into the distance, his hands folded in a mouthpiece. I think this dialogue would work better broken up by a few more descriptions about what's going on around them. Right now it feels an awful lot like I'm listening to two disembodied voices talk to each other.

As a sign of approval, the wave rocked the boat slightly.

 ‘Thank you, sea, for pampering us today!

Stenvord I don't know who Stenvord is and who Björn is, other than they're in a boat fishing together. Which one is the "young fisherman" and which one is "his friend"? I know I can backtrack and work it out from who said whose name and then work it from there, but I shouldn't have to spend that much time figuring it out in the first few lines of your book. was freeing the fish from the net; his hands were shaking with excitement. But even the friend’s childish joy could not distract Björn’s restless thoughts from the huge cloud slithering lazily toward them.

The fish were trying to slip out of the Viking’s strong hands, beating him with  their tail fins. But breaking out of those strong hands was not easy, so the fish pierced Stenvord’s fingers and made him scream in pain.

‘Go to hell!’, the Viking shouted angrily and threw the sea bass aside. 

‘Why the exaltation, Sten?’,  exclaimed Björn. ‘You are excited like a spring chicken anticipating a date with his yellow-faced sweetheart!’
 

Stenvord noticed that his friend’s lips curled in a sneer. He didn’t answer, though. Björn was amused by the Viking’s sensitivity, which still increased his desire to annoy the vulnerable young man. Once again he saw that Stenvord looked like his younger brother. 

 

As a viking by heritage, I like that there are vikings. But I'm unfortunately a little confused. A lot of this feels haphazard and disjointed, like we're just moving from one thing to the other just because, rather than from any logical progression. Right now Stenvord and Björn are indistinguishable from each other, to the point where I'm not sure who's saying what, and I'm not even sure which one is the POV here. On a stylistic front, I'm not a fan of the many exclamation marks. Some people don't mind them, but I am of the mind that they should be used very sparingly. And also, a few too many typos/errors. Make sure you clean those up.

 

So, I wish I could give you happier news, but, yeah, this is going to need some work. Deep breath, you can do it. Good luck.







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