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OCEANS DEEP - YA Fantasy (edits made 5/17/18)

Fantasy Young Adult

Best Answer MICRONESIA , 18 May 2018 - 12:31 PM

I went back through the thread to find what I consider your best query. Hell, I think that third paragraph works best here as well. I will fight to my death for this version.

 

 

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both her legs, she is weighed down by metal prosthetics that make her an object of ridicule. But nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake.

 

Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about palace politics. Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of Nereia, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. But no one will listen to her except Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved.

 

Then the spymaster turns up dead, and Ondine learns just how high up the conspiracy goes. Drake urges her to leave the palace, but if she doesn't confront the real traitor now, he will kill again. And next time, the target may well be her father, the King of Syren himself.

 

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING. Nearly every creature and setting in the story is modeled after the real-life wonders that lie beneath the waves.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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#21 Sataris

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:00 AM

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on betraying one of the few people who truly understands her. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it the victim may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Other than those small edits I think this is looking great. I still have an issue with the permission thing but maybe that's just me. Seems like this is getting to the point where you could probably send it out.


No current query.


#22 rhwashere

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:25 AM

Thanks Sataris. The permission thing is a stylistic phrase that, for me, sums up her personality. As in, she will not allow herself to feel inferior because of what others do or say. I know that, taken literally, it doesn’t make as much sense. But, after all, no one makes her bleed her own blood... 😉

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#23 Sataris

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 11:01 AM

yeah i figured that was the case. it just seems like it risks the agent not giving you the benefit of the doubt 


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#24 MICRONESIA

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 12:05 PM

So much for last versions. Here we go again:


Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule. Maybe it's just me, but I have no problem picturing her as an "underwater girl."

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about politics.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. 

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes all the way up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Once again, I love everything up to the "stakes" paragraph. While this version is better, it still falls a bit flat. I think it's mainly because we have no idea who this "royal adviser" is. We don't even get his name! Yet he plays such a big part in the stakes. In other words: he feels a bit tacked on. Can you mention him earlier -- to at least set up his significance in the reader's mind? One tight sentence will probably do the trick.

 

You left some VERY helpful comments on my query the other day. Would you mind glancing over my latest revision? Link below.



#25 VSChapman

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:53 PM

So much for last versions. Here we go again:


Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule.

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about politics.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved.

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think this looks pretty good! I can't recommend any changes. And I'd love to read it. Good luck!



#26 LeeAllan

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 10:23 PM

Thanks for critiquing my query! I've studied yours intently, and I can't think of anything to add besides the excellent suggestions of the other folks. Like the 2nd last reviewer, I think the name of the royal adviser should be given. Also, why doesn't Drake at least help her in some way? He's the love interest, so he ought to do something to win her over. Let him play a role in helping her solve her problem. Just an idea. This query is almost ready to send out to agents!

 

 

Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule.

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about politics.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. 

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration. 



#27 Wayfarer

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Posted 25 January 2018 - 03:16 PM

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule. (Super unique, good job being a creative human, that's awesome.)

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her pet manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about  for politics.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, Syren's rival, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace begin to spread. When Ondine catches the  her King's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. (Excellent.)

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her (Who? Drake? the advisor?). But if she doesn't, and takes Drake’s offer to leave (Why is his offer to leave enticing? What makes it an option she wants to consider if it could mean her fathers death? Even mentioning something like "takes Drake's offer to leave in order to avoid the political turmoil that seems inevitable" would work to flesh this out), there will be another death in the palace. And This time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.



#28 Gabe S.

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 09:39 AM

So much for last versions. Here we go again:


Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule. Stamp of approval here!

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop (Flap of a fin?) of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about politics.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved.

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself. (How about 'But if she takes Drake's offer to leave, the next death in the palace will be her real father, the King of Syren' or something like that?)

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I like the story. I know agents are always looking for stories about disabilities and overcoming them.

 

One thought: I think she'd fear that she would be next on the chopping block, after her father gets the Ned Stark treatment. That's how coups usually progress, if the plot later reveals a hidden coup d'etat.


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...aded-ya-sci-fi/


#29 ajvan

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 01:50 PM

Took me awhile to find this; happy I tracked it down! Thanks for your comments on my query. 

 

So much for last versions. Here we go again:


Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and (you could likely cut this, since the previous clause implies it) make her an object of ridicule. Concise and clear, nice work. 

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. (I think you could cut that last bit if you wanted...personally, I'd find her a little more sympathetic knowing she was willfully putting herself out there in the mayhem vs being told she always wins) Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about politics. Nice line.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. I had to reread this a couple times. Adding "At least..." to the front of the sentence would help smooth the transition. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved.

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, Try and pare that phrase down a little a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her. It would be even higher stakes if he was "the only one who truly understands..." But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Great work, this reads well and makes me want to hear more about the heroine. Other than a little smoothing, I think you have everything you need in place. 



#30 Nikita

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 04:50 PM

So much for last versions. Here we go again:


Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule. Love this!

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about politics.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. This sentence fragment seems a bit jarring to me, especially starting a new paragraph. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. I'd like to get a glimpse of Drake's motivations here. Is he worried about her safety? Does he care at all about politics, or is he just hoping that they'd have a better shot at love if they leave the palace?

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her. 'one of the few' lowers the stakes in my opinion. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think this is a really great query overall, and it sounds like a fascinating story!



#31 rhwashere

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Posted 08 February 2018 - 05:45 PM

This version has included some of the more recent suggestions and a  few minor tweaks. Thanks to everyone for their help in getting it this far! Of course, further criticism is always welcome.

 

 

Dear [Agent],

 

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can’t swim. After losing both her legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule.

 

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she’s never cared about politics. Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and whispers circulate of a traitor in the palace.

 

When Ondine catches the king’s own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer than she thought. Unfortunately, no one believes her except Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. Then the spymaster turns up dead, and she learns the identity of the real traitor: Antipater, royal adviser and a man who has been like a second father to her.

 

Drake urges Ondine to leave the palace, but she's the only one who accepts the truth about Antipater. She has to stop him, even through it means betraying the only person who truly understands her. Because if she fails, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, the victim will be her real father, the King of Syren himself.

 

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#32 PureZhar3

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Posted 09 February 2018 - 06:13 PM

I realized that I've never returned the favor of your query critique. Sorry that it took so long for me to get here and check this out!

 

 

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can’t swim. ​oooh After losing both her legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule.

 

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she’s never cared about politics. Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and whispers circulate of a traitor in the palace.

 

When Ondine catches the king’s own ​I'm not sure the word "own" is necessary spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer than she thought. ​This is minor, but I'm not loving the last clause of this sentence. It's a blend of vague/cliche Unfortunately, no one believes her except Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. Then the spymaster turns up dead, and she learns the identity of the real traitor: Antipater, royal adviser and a man who has been like a second father to her.

 

Drake urges Ondine to leave the palace, but she's the only one who accepts the truth about Antipater. ​Small point of clarity: so others know the truth, they simply don't believe it? She has to stop him, even through it means betraying the only person who truly understands her ​Drake? Antipater?. Because if she fails, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, the victim will be her real father, the King of Syren himself. ​ooohh

 

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING. ​This comp *gulp* may not be recent enough to be considered a good comp - that said, it's not the worst either, if you can't find a more recent one

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

​I had nothing big; just a few small comments. You seem to have a really solid query and story here! Good job :)


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#33 rhwashere

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Posted 09 February 2018 - 06:52 PM


Thanks Zhar! Those suggestions were really helpful, and I feel like this will be my best version yet:



Dear [Agent],


In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can’t swim. After losing both her legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule.


Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she’s never cared about politics. Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and whispers circulate of a traitor in the palace.


When Ondine catches the king’s spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she immediately tells her father, but he doesn't believe her. No one does except Antipater, the royal adviser who knows her better than anyone, and a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. But when the spymaster turns up dead, she learns that the real traitor is Antipater himself.


Ondine knows she has to stop him, even though he has been like a second father to her. Because if she fails, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, the victim will be her real father, the King of Syren.


OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#34 yawriter

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Posted 09 February 2018 - 11:45 PM

 

Thanks Zhar! Those suggestions were really helpful, and I feel like this will be my best version yet:

 

 

Dear [Agent],

 

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can’t (I think it is professional not to use contractions...I heard that somewhere)swim. After losing both her legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule. (This may be too long of a sentence to put in your first hook paragraph? Saying they keep her from being carried away..implies that they weigh her down... so perhaps "After losing both her legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule."

 

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission.(Great powerful line) She fights at the drop of a fin(...do they have fins?  I thought she was human because of the leg thing....What creature is she supposed to be?), and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she’s(contraction) never cared about politics. Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and whispers circulate of a traitor in the palace.

 

When Ondine catches the king’s spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she immediately tells her father, but he doesn't (does not) believe her. No one does except Antipater (did I miss who Antipater was?), the royal adviser who knows her better than anyone (Ah got it...perhaps the name isn't even important since we are focused on the king and Ondine), and a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved(sucker for romance). But (Since so many people have different opinions on beginning a sentence with "but", I wouldn't risk it when showing an agent..perhaps "However" is a more suitable word? Just an opinion of course) when the spymaster turns up dead, she learns that the real traitor is Antipater himself.

 

Ondine knows she has to stop him, even through(did you mean "though"?) he has been like DEFINITELY take out "like"!Pet peeve!! Not professional at all, BUT if you insist on keeping it, the proper grammar is: "he has been, like, a second...a second father to her. Because if she fails, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, the victim will be her real father, the King of Syren. Great strong ending!

 

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I'm hoping I found the most recent version... I loved this!! Great job! Let me know if you need me to look at it again. Hope this helped.



#35 Arait

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 01:35 AM

I'm pretty sure you didn't mean California "like," but that you meant to use the word with its actual meaning of "similar to." Arait is, like, so not sure what yawriter was, like, thinking there, but, like, it should be totally okay to just leave that the way it is. (Sorry, I couldn't resist. Sorry, sorry.)

Other than that, I agree with the grammar advice yawriter gave. Just little changes to tighten things up.

#36 rhwashere

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 02:04 AM

Like, for sure!

Also, all those grammar decisions were intentional to show voice. If they don’t (contraction) like them, they definitely won’t (contraction) like my manuscript! But (ha, ha) I’ve seen enough successful queries that do the same that I’m not too worried. ;)

But in all sincerity, thanks for looking it over! And good catch on “through”. Definitely meant “though”. Now, where’s that darn edit button....

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#37 MICRONESIA

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 05:43 AM

yawriter: where are you getting the idea that you shouldn't use contractions in a query? That's absolutely not the case. A query should be professional, yes, but not a dry, voiceless business letter.



#38 PureZhar3

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 11:42 AM

Thanks Zhar! Those suggestions were really helpful, and I feel like this will be my best version yet:


Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can’t swim. After losing both her legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule.

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she’s never cared about politics. Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and whispers circulate of a traitor in the palace.

When Ondine catches the king’s spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she immediately tells her father, but he doesn't believe her. No one does except Antipater, the royal adviser who knows her better than anyone, and a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. But when the spymaster turns up dead, she learns that the real traitor is Antipater himself.

Ondine knows she has to stop him, even though he has been like a second father to her. Because if she fails, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, the victim will be her real father, the King of Syren.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

​Excellent! You cleared everything up nicely :) I have no other qualms at all. The only (extremely minor) thing that I noticed was that the "no one does except Antipater..." sentence could flow a little better. 

​If you have time, I asked a few questions on your comments, so I would appreciate it if you would stop by my query again and check them out.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#39 Maddie978

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 01:06 PM

Thanks Zhar! Those suggestions were really helpful, and I feel like this will be my best version yet:


Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can’t swim. After losing both her legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down, making and make her an object of ridicule.

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she’s never cared about politics. Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and whispers circulate of a traitor in the palace.

When Ondine catches the king’s spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she immediately tells her father, but he doesn't believe her. No one does except Antipater, the royal adviser who knows her better than anyone, and a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. (The only sentence that confused me. He is also the manta racer?)  But when the spymaster turns up dead, she learns that the real traitor is Antipater himself.

Ondine knows she has to stop him, even though he has been is like a second father to her. Because if she fails, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, the victim will be her real father, the King of Syren.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore’s GRACELING. I love love love GRACELING but it is usually good to include a comp published in the last five years. Keep GRACELING thought because it's so good :)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This is really good. I think I'm catching you at one of the final drafts here. I highlighted that one sentence that confused me a bit. I think if you reword it, the query will be perfect. Also added a couple options for wording changes so it flows a little better.

 

Wonderful query and really interesting idea! I look forward to seeing your novel on the shelves. Good luck!


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

 

 

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/


#40 rhwashere

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 02:01 PM

Thanks Maddie! I will incorporate those suggestions. That one sentence has also been reworded to make more sense.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fantasy, Young Adult

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