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OCEANS DEEP - YA Fantasy

Fantasy Young Adult

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#21 Sataris

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:00 AM

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on betraying one of the few people who truly understands her. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it the victim may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Other than those small edits I think this is looking great. I still have an issue with the permission thing but maybe that's just me. Seems like this is getting to the point where you could probably send it out.


No current query.


#22 rhwashere

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:25 AM

Thanks Sataris. The permission thing is a stylistic phrase that, for me, sums up her personality. As in, she will not allow herself to feel inferior because of what others do or say. I know that, taken literally, it doesn’t make as much sense. But, after all, no one makes her bleed her own blood... 😉

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/


#23 Sataris

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 11:01 AM

yeah i figured that was the case. it just seems like it risks the agent not giving you the benefit of the doubt 


No current query.


#24 MICRONESIA

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 12:05 PM

So much for last versions. Here we go again:


Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule. Maybe it's just me, but I have no problem picturing her as an "underwater girl."

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about politics.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. 

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes all the way up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Once again, I love everything up to the "stakes" paragraph. While this version is better, it still falls a bit flat. I think it's mainly because we have no idea who this "royal adviser" is. We don't even get his name! Yet he plays such a big part in the stakes. In other words: he feels a bit tacked on. Can you mention him earlier -- to at least set up his significance in the reader's mind? One tight sentence will probably do the trick.

 

You left some VERY helpful comments on my query the other day. Would you mind glancing over my latest revision? Link below.


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#25 VSChapman

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:53 PM

So much for last versions. Here we go again:


Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule.

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about politics.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved.

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think this looks pretty good! I can't recommend any changes. And I'd love to read it. Good luck!



#26 LEEALLAN

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 10:23 PM

Thanks for critiquing my query! I've studied yours intently, and I can't think of anything to add besides the excellent suggestions of the other folks. Like the 2nd last reviewer, I think the name of the royal adviser should be given. Also, why doesn't Drake at least help her in some way? He's the love interest, so he ought to do something to win her over. Let him play a role in helping her solve her problem. Just an idea. This query is almost ready to send out to agents!

 

 

Dear [Agent],

In the underwater kingdom of Syren, Princess Ondine is the only girl who can't swim. After losing both legs, her metal prosthetics keep her from being carried away by the currents, but they also weigh her down and make her an object of ridicule.

Still, nobody makes Ondine feel inferior without her permission. She fights at the drop of a fin, and fearlessly rides her manta ray in the deadliest races, leaving even the best riders in her wake. Her reckless lifestyle is an embarrassment to the royal family, but she's never cared about politics.

Not until a border lord is murdered by agents of the Nereid Kingdom, and there are whispers of a traitor in the palace. When Ondine catches the king's own spymaster meeting secretly with the Nereids, she realizes the danger is closer to her family than she thought. Unfortunately, the only person who believes her is Drake, a handsome manta racer who would rather whisk her away than get involved. 

But when the spymaster turns up dead, Ondine is horrified to learn that the conspiracy goes right up to the royal adviser, a man who has been like a second father to her. Stopping him means turning on one of the few who truly understands her. But if she takes Drake’s offer to leave, there will be another death in the palace. And this time, it may be her real father, the King of Syren himself.

OCEANS DEEP is an 80,000-word YA fantasy that should appeal to fans of a strong female lead and political intrigue, as found in Kristin Cashore's GRACELING.

Thank you for your time and consideration. 







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