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Romance - The Glow Up


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#1 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 06:13 AM

Please read draft two! (fourth post down)
 

Hello! I will gladly exchange critique for critique. 

 

____

 

On the first day of his sophomore year, CIAN ZYRNES and his family haul his extensive record collection into his dorm room. He sees ANSEL WARDEN, his billionaire best friend, who points out that Cian has slept with almost every boy on their dorm floor. Cian thinks about how none of last year’s partying stopped him from missing WILL CUNNINGHAM, his childhood crush. He thinks he glimpses Will in the dorm hall but concludes he was wishfully hallucinating.

 

WILL CUNNINGHAM goes shopping with a new friend, coming out to her as a casual crossdresser. She warns him to stay away from his favorite model, Ansel Warden, who owns the notorious off-campus LGBT club, Licentious.

 

Will makes his debut at Licentious. He fixates on a boy getting a blowjob behind a sheer curtain in the club. He’s told the boy’s name is Cian, and realizes he’s been watching his Cian. The two confront each other. Will is cold and distant, Cian warm and sweet.

 

His friend introduces Will to an anonymous kissing game. Blindfolded, he shares a life-changing kiss with an unknown guy. When he takes off his blindfold, the model Ansel Warden is standing in front of him.

 

After Ansel leaves, Cian tells Will he kissed him, but Will thinks it’s a cruel joke. He remembers when Cian feigned a crush on Will in order to humiliate him. Will’s homophobic mother told Will that Cian called her and outed Will as gay, making life hell for Will.

 

After hanging out with Ansel, Will realizes Ansel wasn’t the mystery kisser. He quickly loses his boyhood crush on the famous model, becoming his friend instead. Will joins Ansel’s casual dance group, Pray and Sway. Ansel decides to play matchmaker, believing Cian and Will to be perfect together. He acts as Will’s stylist.

 

Cian sees Will in Ansel’s clothes and concludes they’re sleeping together. Cian doesn’t want to take away from their newfound happiness, but he’s heart broken. He decides to ignore them both.

 

Will is devastated when Cian ignores him.

 

After practicing with Pray and Sway, Will performs a strip tease at Licentious. He sees Cian watching not with lust, but with awe.

 

When boys bombard Will after the dance, Cian rescues him. The two dance together for the first time – and Cian is a terrible dancer.

 

The next day Will gets a text from his mother. The text triggers an emotional breakdown and he almost cuts himself. He has old scars on his arm. He decides he’s too broken for therapy.

 

Ansel invites Cian and Will on an impromptu trip to his parents’ mansion. There, Ansel’s father reveals that he knows Ansel turned his father’s old fraternity house into the LGBT dance club Licentious. He vows to sell the club.

 

The friends decide to save Licentious by convincing Renard College to buy it. They plan several events to promote the club. During their planning, Will realizes Cian kissed him back when he was blindfolded.

 

Will and Cian try to sleep together, but Will has a panic attack when Cian almost sees Will’s scarred arm. To defuse his own anxiety, Will makes a joke about how Ansel would love to know that Will and Cian are sleeping together.

 

Cian is devastated that Will is thinking about Ansel while they’re about to make love. He asks Will to leave.

They don’t speak for two weeks.

 

Home for Thanksgiving, Will is lied to compulsively by his mother. His father reveals that she was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. He blames her mental disorder on Will, saying Will’s sexual orientation stressed her out beyond her limits.

 

Will escapes to Cian’s house. They confront one another in an intense shouting match. Will reveals he never dated Ansel. Cian reveals he never outed Will – it must have been a lie Will’s mom told to keep them apart. He tells Will he’s selfish for having never communicated with Cian. He dissolves into tears, feeling for the first time that he wasted years by loving Will.

Will is astounded that anyone cares about him enough to cry because of him. He has a hard time believing Cian really loves him, but he resolves to go to therapy, determined not to be like his mother.

 

Their fight flicked a switch in both of them, and they return to campus feeling cathartic and cleansed. Will begins therapy.

The two start shooting flirty pictures together for a charity calendar meant to help save the club. Will shows Cian his scars. With Cian’s dirty imagination leading the way, some of their pictures are more explicit photos for them to keep for themselves. The photoshoots frequently dissolve into sex.

 

In the spring, Will and Cian attend what might be the club Licentious’s last party. Will performs a strip tease for Cian on stage. After the performance, he realizes his mom came to campus after hearing about the much-publicized club’s last party, suspecting Will might be there. She saw his dance.

 

He confronts his mom, setting up his own boundaries for the first time.

 

In May, Cian and Will attend an art auction that has some of the photos Cian took of Will. Their flirty charity calendar is on sale, and they realize Cian accidentally left in a picture that shows Will’s scars on his arm. Will decides he’s ready to stop hiding them.

 

At the auction, Ansel reveals that Renard College agreed to buy the club and keep it open.

 

In celebration, Cian strips privately for Will for the first time. Before they leave campus, they have a small party with their friends at the club, looking forward to the summer they’ll spend together with Cian’s family in France. Both boys are happy forevermore.



#2 smithgirl

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 05:40 PM

On the first day of his sophomore year, CIAN ZYRNES and his family haul his extensive record collection into his dorm room. He sees ANSEL WARDEN, his billionaire best friend, who points out that Cian has slept with almost every boy on their dorm floor. Cian thinks about how none of last year’s partying kept stopped him from missing WILL CUNNINGHAM, his childhood crush. He thinks he glimpses Will in the dorm hall but concludes he was wishfully hallucinating.

 

Is this after the school year starts? WILL CUNNINGHAM goes shopping with a new friend, coming out to her as a casual crossdresser. She warns him to stay away from his favorite model, Ansel Warden, who owns the notorious off-campus LGBT club, Licentious.

 

Will makes his debut at Licentious. He fixates on a boy getting a blowjob behind a sheer curtain in the club. He’s told the boy’s name is Cian, and realizes it's the Cian he likes. he’s been watching his Cian. This is confusing. The two confront each other. Will is cold and distant, Cian warm and sweet.

 

His friend introduces Will to an anonymous kissing game. Blindfolded, he shares a life-changing kiss with an unknown guy. When he takes off his blindfold, the model Ansel Warden is standing in front of him.

 

After Ansel leaves, Cian tells Will he kissed him, but Will thinks it’s a cruel joke. He remembers when Cian feigned a crush on Will in order to humiliate him. Will’s homophobic mother told Will that Cian called her and outed Will as gay, making life hell for Will.

 

After hanging out with Ansel, Will realizes Ansel wasn’t the mystery kisser. He quickly loses his boyhood crush on the famous model, becoming his friend instead. Will joins Ansel’s casual dance group, Pray and Sway. Ansel decides to play matchmaker, believing Cian and Will to be perfect together. He acts as Will’s stylist.

 

Cian sees Will in Ansel’s clothes and concludes they’re sleeping together. Cian doesn’t want to take away from their newfound happiness, but he’s heart broken. He decides to ignore them both.

 

Will is devastated when Cian ignores him.

 

After practicing with Pray and Sway, Will performs a strip tease at Licentious. He sees Cian watching not with lust, but with awe.

 

When boys bombard Will after the dance, Cian rescues him. The two dance together for the first time – and Cian is a terrible dancer.

 

The next day Will gets a text from his mother. The text triggers an emotional breakdown and he almost cuts himself. He has old scars on his arm. He decides he’s too broken for therapy.

 

Ansel invites Cian and Will on an impromptu trip to his parents’ mansion. There, Ansel’s father reveals that he knows Ansel turned his father’s old fraternity house into the LGBT dance club Licentious. He vows to sell the club.

 

The friends decide to save Licentious by convincing Renard College to buy it. They plan several events to promote the club. During their planning, Will realizes Cian kissed him back when he was blindfolded.

 

Will and Cian try to sleep together, but Will has a panic attack when Cian almost sees Will’s scarred arm. To defuse his own anxiety, Will makes a joke about how Ansel would love to know that Will and Cian are sleeping together.

 

Cian is devastated that Will is thinking about Ansel while they’re about to make love. He asks Will to leave.

They don’t speak for two weeks.

 

Home for Thanksgiving, Will is lied to compulsively by his mother. His father reveals that she was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. He blames her mental disorder on Will, saying Will’s sexual orientation stressed her out beyond her limits.

 

Will escapes to Cian’s house. They confront one another in an intense shouting match. Will reveals he never dated Ansel. Cian reveals he never outed Will – it must have been a lie Will’s mom told to keep them apart. He tells Will he’s selfish for having never communicated with Cian. He dissolves into tears, feeling for the first time that he wasted years by loving Will.

Will is astounded that anyone cares about him enough to cry because of him. He has a hard time believing Cian really loves him, but he resolves to go to therapy, determined not to be like his mother.

 

Their fight flicked a switch in both of them, and they return to campus feeling cathartic and cleansed. Will begins therapy.

The two start shooting flirty pictures together for a charity calendar meant to help save the club. Will shows Cian his scars. With Cian’s dirty imagination leading the way, some of their pictures are more explicit photos for them to keep for themselves. The photoshoots frequently dissolve into sex.

 

In the spring, Will and Cian attend what might be the club Licentious’s last party. Will performs a strip tease for Cian on stage. After the performance, he realizes his mom came to campus after hearing about the much-publicized club’s last party, suspecting Will might be there. She saw his dance.

 

He confronts his mom, setting up his own boundaries for the first time.

 

In May, Cian and Will attend an art auction that has some of the photos Cian took of Will. Their flirty charity calendar is on sale, and they realize Cian accidentally left in a picture that shows Will’s scars on his arm. Will decides he’s ready to stop hiding them.

 

At the auction, Ansel reveals that Renard College agreed to buy the club and keep it open.

 

In celebration, Cian strips privately for Will for the first time. Before they leave campus, they have a small party with their friends at the club, looking forward to the summer they’ll spend together with Cian’s family in France. Both boys are happy forevermore.

 

Hey pigeononthemoon. I didn't make a lot of edits because your synopsis needs some restructuring. First of all, it's too long. I put it into Word, and it's 950 words. You should shoot for something ~700 words (1 page, single-spaced, 12 pt Times New Roman, one-inch margins), which will come to ~700 words. So the first thing you need to do is cut it down. Then, you need to focus on making it a more global telling of the story. Try to stand back and tell the story from a distance, cut out all the intricate details and tell the story as a single arc, focusing on the MC. I actually have a hard time telling who the MC is here. The first paragraph starts with Cian, and I assume the story will continue with him, but then it immediately shifts to Will. Be very clear about who is your MC, that other characters are relative to him.

 

I know this is really hard, and I always start my synopsis with much too much detail and am amazed later how much I was able to cut out. 

 

If you get a chance, can you please look at my synopsis attempt? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...revised-post-7/



#3 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 06:42 PM

Thank you! I'll work on restructuring it and taking out details. The book is dual-POV, so it is necessary to shift between the two narrators. 

 

Thanks again! Now onto the next draft...



#4 pigeononthemoon

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 07:26 PM

draft two:
 
Starting off his freshman year at Renard College, WILL CUNNINGHAM is determined to leave his terrible adolescence behind. He enjoys dancing at the LGBT club Licentious, run by the billionaire ANSEL WARDEN. Ansel was his favorite fashion model in high school.
 
At Licentious, Will realizes his high school bully CIAN ZYRNES is attending Renard, too. Will shares a passionate blindfolded kiss with a boy, and although Cian tells him he was the kisser, Will thinks Cian is joking. Will believes Cian feigned a crush on him in high school as a hurtful prank, and that Cian outed Will to Will's homophobic mother.
 
Will joins Ansel's casual dance group and makes friends. He's largely happy, but he has constant nightmares about his mother showing up on campus.
 
Will, Cian, and friends go to Ansel's mansion together, where Ansel's dad reveals plans to sell the club Licentious.
 
The friends team up to save the club, hoping Renard College will buy it. They want to hold a party-fundraiser and organize a sexy calendar contest to spread awareness about the club. During their plan-making, Will realizes Cian really was the one who gave him the blindfolded kiss.
 
The two try to sleep together, but Will is terrified Cian will see Will's old scars from when he used to self-harm. The night falls apart, and the two don't speak for two weeks. 
 
At Thanksgiving, Will is tormented by his parents. He escapes to Cian's house, where the two confront each other. Cian reveals that he never feigned his crush on Will, nor did he out him - Will's mom lied in order to break them apart. Will decides to seek therapy.
 
Back at school, Cian takes Will to his first therapy session. They start shooting a sexy calendar together, and Will shows Cian his scars. The photoshoots lead to further intimacy.
 
Will spends Christmas at Cian's house, where he's treated like family. 
 
When their charity calendar goes on sale, Cian realizes he accidentally left in a picture that shows Will's scars. Will decides he's fine with this. At the party fundraiser, Will dances for Cian on a stage. Afterwards, they notice Will's mother watching the dance. She read about the club's party in the newspaper and came to see if her son was there.
 
Will confronts his mother, setting up personal boundaries. Afterwards, Will and his friends learn that Renard College decided to buy the club. They celebrate together, and Will and Cian look forward to their upcoming summer. The boys are happy forevermore.


#5 smithgirl

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 03:11 PM

Starting off his freshman year at Renard College, WILL CUNNINGHAM is determined to leave his terrible adolescence behind. He enjoys dancing at the LGBT club Licentious, run by the billionaire ANSEL WARDEN, who Ansel was also his favorite fashion model in high school.
 
At Licentious, Will realizes his high school bully CIAN ZYRNES is attending Renard, too. Will is at the club when he shares a passionate blindfolded kiss with a boy, who later claims to be Cian. But , and although Cian tells him he was the kisser, Will thinks this is a joke. Cian is joking. He dislikes  Will  believes Cian, whom he believes feigned a crush on him in high school as a hurtful prank and that Cian outed Will to Will's homophobic mother.
 
Will joins Ansel's casual dance group and makes friends. He's largely happy, but he has constant nightmares about his mother showing up on campus.
 
One night when he, Cian and and some friends go to Ansel's mansion together, where Ansel's dad reveals plans to sell the club Licentious.
 
The friends Do the friends include Cian? Is Cian Will's friend now?  team up to save the club, hoping Renard College will buy it. Is that typical? That a college would buy a club? I don't know, was just wondering. They want to hold a party-fundraiser and organize a sexy calendar contest to spread awareness about the club. During their plan-making, Will realizes Cian really was the one who gave him the blindfolded kiss.
 
The two try to sleeping together, but Will has old scars from self harming and he's terrified Cian will see them is terrified Cian will see Will's old scars from when he used to self-harm. The night falls apart, and the two don't speak for two weeks. So does Will not sleep with anyone because of the scars, or does he just fear in Cian's case?
 
At Thanksgiving, Will goes home where he is tormented by his parents. He escapes to Cian's house, and where the two must confront their relationship. each other. Cian reveals that he never feigned his crush on Will, nor did he out him -- m-dash Will's mom lied in order to break them apart. Will decides to seek therapy.
 
Back at school, Cian takes Will to his first therapy session. They start shooting a sexy calendar together, and Will shows Cian his scars. The photoshoots lead to further intimacy, and at Christmas Will stays Will spends Christmas at Cian's house, where he's treated like family. 
 
When their charity calendar goes on sale, Cian realizes he accidentally left in a picture that shows Will's scars. Will decides he's fine with this. At the party fundraiser, Will dances for Cian on a stage. Afterwards, they notice Will's mother watching the dance. She read about the club's party in the newspaper and came to see if her son was there.
 
Will confronts his mother, setting up personal boundaries. Afterwards, Later, Will and his friends learn that Renard College decided to buy the club. They celebrate together, and Will and Cian look forward to their upcoming summer. The boys are happy forevermore.

 

Wow, you did a really good job of cutting this down. In the first version I totally lost the forest for the trees, but now I see the story clearly. I had a few questions and made some recommendations -- take them or leave them.

 

Your synopsis is short enough now that you could theoretically go back and flesh it out some more -- make it a bit less choppy, connect things more smoothly, make it sound more like one fluid story. This is hard to do, but you have some wiggle room now. The important thing is that it's clear. Start with that and try to expand a bit. Good luck!



#6 robertguitar

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 09:45 PM

Starting off his freshman year at Renard College, WILL CUNNINGHAM is determined to leave his terrible adolescence behind. Starting his freshman year at Renard College, he enjoys dancing at the LGBT club Licentious, run by the billionaire ANSEL WARDEN. Ansel was his favorite fashion model in high school.

 
At Licentious, Will realizes learns his high school bully CIAN ZYRNES is attending Renard, too. Will shares a passionate blindfolded kiss with a boy, and although Cian tells him he was the kisser, Will thinks Cian is joking. Will believes Cian feigned a crush on him in high school as a hurtful prank, and that Cian then outed Will to Will's homophobic mother.
 
Even so, Will joins Ansel's casual dance group and makes friends. He's largely happy, but he has constant nightmares about his mother showing up on campus.
 
Will, Cian, and friends go to Ansel's mansion together, where Ansel's dad reveals plans to sell the club Licentious.
 
The friends team up to save the club, hoping Renard College will buy it. They want to hold a party-fundraiser and organize a sexy calendar contest to spread awareness about the club. During their plan-making, Will realizes Cian really was the one who gave him the blindfolded kiss.
 
The two try to sleep together, but Will is terrified Cian will see Will's old scars from when he used to self-harm. The night falls apart, and the two don't speak for two weeks. (You might want to avoid using "the two" twice in this paragraph)
 
At Thanksgiving, Will is tormented by clashes with his parents. He escapes to Cian's house, where the two confront each other. Cian reveals that he never feigned his crush on Will, nor did he out him - Will's mom lied in order to break them apart. Feeling more trust, Will decides to seeks therapy.
 
Back at school, Cian takes Will to his first therapy session. They start shooting a sexy calendar together, and Will shows Cian his scars. The photoshoots lead to further intimacy.
 
Will spends Christmas at Cian's house, where he's treated like family. 
 
When their charity calendar goes on sale, Cian realizes he accidentally left in a picture that shows Will's scars. Will decides he's fine with this. At the party fundraiser, Will dances for Cian on a stage. Afterwards, they notice Will's mother watching the dance. She read about the club's party in the newspaper and came to see if her son was there.
 
Will confronts his mother, setting up establishing personal boundaries. Afterwards, Will and his friends learn that Renard College has decided to buy the club. They celebrate together, and Will and Cian look forward to their upcoming summer. The boys are happy forevermore.
I think that this is almost there. As smithgirl says, it's great if you can make it smooth and connected as if you're naturally telling a story. I think you've critiqued smithgirl's synopsis which is a good example of this. It's very hard to do. I'd very much appreciate you taking a look at my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...shoes-synopsis/
 (Please scroll all the way down to my newest draft.)





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