Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

BLACK STARS FALLING


  • Please log in to reply
68 replies to this topic

#21 Sataris

Sataris

    lives in a van down by the river

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 239 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Pro market sff, 1st place WotF winner, reader at Apex Magazine

Posted 16 January 2018 - 02:57 PM

No problem, and I did the exact same thing with my ms age-wise! See the top right number in each post? Click that to get the link

No current query.


#22 Bananas

Bananas

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 205 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada

Posted 16 January 2018 - 04:06 PM

Coming into this fresh.

Okay, try #3. Thanks for all your comments! 

 

darsenault, I hope this helps make the story more interesting.  :unsure:

 

 

Piper Sullivan is unaware of the war that is about to erupt. She also doesn’t know that her own father is behind it. Ok, first thing - I don't really get a sense of place or time from this. This could be anything from ancient Rome to the far distant future. Second, I personally advocate for leading with the character actively doing/knowing something. Leading with what they don't know is a bit passive.  Also, not every query *needs* a hook. Mine didn't and it's doing just fine.

 

Ever since the Others attacked Earth ten years ago, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government; her father has been trying to protect eighteen-year-old Piper and her brother from the dangers of the new world. A small quibble here. While, based on your hook, I know this query is about Piper, this almost sounds like your story is about Piper's father. He's the one actively doing something in this sentence. In their small, isolated town, she farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table. I think you might want to consider cutting the "father protecting his children" info and lead with this. It shows what Piper is *actually* doing. But with her eyes always to the sky wondering if they’ll ever be back, she doesn’t see the growing rebellion in her own backyard. Ok, a bit passive, but I think it works. 

 

That is until the newly re-formed military shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away. Piper’s father doesn’t want her to go. He has spent the last ten years trying to protect her. The focus has moved off Piper again. These sentences are about the military and then her father. Lead with your MC. She pushes her feelings aside about the draft and vows to do her service and help rebuild her country. Ok, but *why*? One could argue that in a shattered society, people would care less for things like country and patriotism and more about local community and family. Why is she going along with this? Is it because she thinks she can protect her home? That's a better motivation than "rebuilding a country". If she can earn a good position in the army, she’ll be able to send more money home to support her family. I think *this* needs to be pushed up ahead of "rebuild her country".  Also, she's being drafted, which isn't usually seen as a "Oh-boy-opportunity" thing, and more of "oh-shit-I-don't-want-to-do-this" thing. Personally, I wouldn't be stoked about going to fight even if there was a possibility of career advancement. Getting one's legs blown off is a poor trade, IMO.

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government.  Ok, what? Why is the resistance now fighting the government? This plot point comes from nowhere. Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels. As she grows closer to, Jake, one of her instructors, she learns the truth about the Others, the Resistance and how it all leads back to her own father. This sentence lands with a plop. "Learning the truth" isn't exciting. Give us some stakes here instead.

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth, Vague. Vagueness hurts your query. and help destroy everything vague her father has worked so hard to build; or expose the truth, and help start another war. Unclear what this means. They're already prepping to fight the resistance.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA Sci-Fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series.



#23 AmberA

AmberA

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 67 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 January 2018 - 04:15 PM

I think I’m lost lol. I don’t see any new revisions. If there’s a new post, let me know which post # and if you’re going to whip up a new revision I’ll be back to critique that ☺️ thanks again for you feedback !

Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=352035


#24 lnloft

lnloft

    LNLOFT

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 313 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 January 2018 - 05:06 PM

Okay, try #3. Thanks for all your comments! 

 

darsenault, I hope this helps make the story more interesting.  :unsure:

 

 

Piper Sullivan is unaware of the war that is about to erupt. She also doesn’t know that her own father is behind it. Someone else pointed it out already and I'm going to add my voice to it: this would be a lot stronger coming from somewhere other than what the MC doesn't know. I'm not a fan of it anywhere in a query, since I expect to be taking the journey with the MC, so it's weird if part of the query is about things the MC isn't even aware of. There's a good concept to this hook, of war brewing and the MC's father at the thick of it, but I think it can be a lot stronger.

 

Ever since the Others attacked Earth ten years ago, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government;, [comma, not semi-colon] her father has been trying to protect eighteen-year-old Piper and her brother from the dangers of the new world This is a little awkward as a sentence, I think in a big part because the antecedent to "her father" actually comes after, so it's not as clear as it should be as to who "her" is.. In their small, isolated town, she farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table So... she's Katniss Everdeen? Sorry, but that did immediately make me think Hunger Games, and while obviously if your book eventually gets compared to Hunger Games that's great, but right now we want to make sure things don't come across as a rip-off (I don't see that as what you're doing, but you don't want an agent to see it that way).. But with her eyes always to the sky wondering if they’ll ever be back, she doesn’t see the growing rebellion in her own backyard. Again, it's kinda weird how much focus is being given to the things Piper doesn't know.

 

That is until the newly re-formed military shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away Kinda like they're "tributes"? Dang it, now I can't get Hunger Games comparisons out of my head.. Piper’s father doesn’t want her to go. He has spent the last ten years trying to protect her. She pushes her feelings aside about the draft and vows to do her service and help rebuild her country. If she can earn a good position in the army, she’ll be able to send more money home to support her family.

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government Why would they want to do this?. Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels. As she grows closer to, [remove comma] Jake, one of her instructors, she learns the truth about the Others, the Resistance and how it all leads back to her own father. What truth? I really don't have enough to work with about the Others, other than they were some alien force. We need more details.

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth, and help destroy everything her father has worked so hard to build; or expose the truth, and help start another war. And, not to harp on things people have already said, but this is too vague. Right now, the only thing I know her father worked really hard on was keeping Piper and her brother safe, but I feel pretty confident that that's not what you're talking about here. The advice I doll out with some regularity (including having to learn it the hard way myself): you know all the context for this. We don't. So things that connect perfectly to you are just kinda "huh?" for us.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA Sci-Fi sci-fi [lower case] complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series.

You're on the right track, and you have what sounds to be an interesting story. Now you just need to clear some things up. Good luck with the rest.

 

P.S. Edit: You can make a signature by clicking on your name up in the top right corner when you scroll all the way up, then click on "My Profile". On that page, click "Edit My Profile" on the right, and from there, you'll find one of the tabs on the left is "Signature". You can copy and paste a link in there with a request for people to take a look. I would tell you how to make it as an embedded link like mine instead of the whole strand, but I'm not entirely sure how I do it other than messing around long enough with the "Link" option in the signature editor. Hope this is what you were asking Sataris earlier and that it helps.


If you found my feedback useful, I'd appreciate yours: Ouroboros


#25 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 18 January 2018 - 04:01 PM

Okay, so here's my newest version below. Before anyone yells at me- yes, I know the MC is supposed to come first. I'm trying this because the other way just doesn't feel right to me. And I'm trying to use Banana's advice about not every query has to have the hook with the MC. And yes, I also know that queries shouldn't have backstory but my backstory is also a big part of the actual story so... yes, there's backstory. Ultimately, the idea is for the agent to want to read more. So, does this make you want to read more? Thanks for all the comments! I'm trying!

 

Revision #4

 

Dear Agent,

 

Ten years ago, the Others attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government.

 

Now, seventeen-year-old Piper Sullivan farms, hunts and scavenges to help her family put food on the table. And everyday, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they'll ever be back.

 

That is, until the newly reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away. Despite not being at war.

 

She pushes her feelings aside about leaving home and vows to do her service. If she can earn a good position, she can send more money to her family.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance. An underground group planning on revolting against the government. But with the roads not being repaired fast enough and technology still down, the Resistance claims the government is holding back progress and controlling it's citizens. As she grows closer to her instructor, he reveals how all three are connected; the Resistance, the government, and the truth of what really happened to the Others. 

 

Now Piper has to choose. If she ignores the truth- she'll have a chance at living in peace, yet she'll always be under the control of the government. If she joins the Resistance- she'll not only help start another war, but orchestrate in the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series. 



#26 Gabe S.

Gabe S.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 51 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Wrote stuff already

Posted 18 January 2018 - 06:45 PM

Okay, so here's my newest version below. Before anyone yells at me- yes, I know the MC is supposed to come first. I'm trying this because the other way just doesn't feel right to me. And I'm trying to use Banana's advice about not every query has to have the hook with the MC. And yes, I also know that queries shouldn't have backstory but my backstory is also a big part of the actual story so... yes, there's backstory. Ultimately, the idea is for the agent to want to read more. So, does this make you want to read more? Thanks for all the comments! I'm trying!

 

Revision #4

 

Dear Agent,

 

Now, Seventeen-year-old Piper Sullivan farms, hunts and scavenges to help her family put food on the table. And everyday, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they'll ever be back. I'd lead with this.

 

Ten years ago, the Others attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Followed by this one.

 

That is, until the A newly reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away. Despite not being at war.

 

She pushes her feelings aside about leaving home and vows to do her serviceI get the feeling that she is reluctant to serve, so 'vows' doesn't feel like the right word. If she can earn a good position (Rise through the ranks?), she can send more money to her family.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance. An underground group planning on revolting against the government. But with the roads not being repaired fast enough and technology still down, the Resistance claims the government is holding back progress and to controlling it's citizens. As she grows closer to her instructor, he reveals how all three are connected; the Resistance, the government, and the truth of what really happened to the Others. 

 

Now Piper has to choose. If she ignores the truth- she'll have a chance at living in peace, yet she'll always be under the control of the government. If she joins the Resistance- she'll not only help start another war, but orchestrate in the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series. 

 

I like where you are going with the story. I'd pick it up at B&N and give it a go (flip to page 69 and see whats on that page :D)

I am a little worried about the 93K words, but if you can justify it, then away you go!

Would it reveal anything if you mention that the Others are human or non-human? 

I think you have a good story here, all things considered. 


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...aded-ya-sci-fi/


#27 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 18 January 2018 - 07:24 PM

Gabe S.   I like what you did here....switching the first two sentences. I was kinda worried people would stop right there and be like 'who is They?' Everyone wants to know everything right away. But I like how this works! I also like the small corrections you made. This really helps a lot! Thank you! 

 

To answer your question about the Others- yes, I think it would reveal too much. I'm hoping it'll be enough for an agent to wonder and ask to read it.



#28 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 18 January 2018 - 07:47 PM

Revision #5

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper Sullivan farms, hunts and scavenges to help her family put food on the table. An everyday, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

Ten years ago, the Others attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government.

 

A newly reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away. Despite not being at war.

She’s reluctant to leave home and the people who depend on her, but hopes that she can rise through the ranks quickly and send more money to her family.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance. An underground group planning on revolting against the government. But with the roads not being repaired fast enough and technology still down, the Resistance claims the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. As she grows closer to her instructor, he reveals how all three are connected; the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others.

 

Now Piper has to choose. If she ignores the truth- she’ll have a chance at living in peace, yet she’ll always be under the control of the government. If she joins the Resistance- she’ll not only help start another war, but orchestrate in the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series.



#29 Sataris

Sataris

    lives in a van down by the river

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 239 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Pro market sff, 1st place WotF winner, reader at Apex Magazine

Posted 19 January 2018 - 01:01 AM

Revision #5

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper Sullivan farms, hunts and scavenges to help her family put food on the table. And everyday, she stares up to at the sky and wonders if the Others will ever come be back. I think that if you just leave it as they here, it reads as if it's her family who has actually left. You could also do something like: wonders if the creatures who destroyed civilization would ever come back if you want to drop the proper name

 

Ten years ago, the Others attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Seems like a bit of a jump here between these other two sentences. I think if you elaborated in your hook a little more you might be able to get away with cutting these sentences or just moving a few pieces of them up above. Otherwise it's a little jarring to jump from current events>backstory 10 years earlier>current event

 

A newly reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking dragging (or something active like that) Piper and her friends away. Despite not being at war. She’s reluctant to leave home and the people who depend on her, but hopes that she can rise through the ranks quickly and send more money to her family.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance colon An underground group planning on a revolting against the government. But think you want a different link here. or you could just lead with "They (the resistance) claims that..." with the roads not being repaired fast enough and technology still down, the Resistance claims the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. As she grows closer to her instructor, he reveals how all three are connected; the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. This reads as a bit to vague to be interesting; not sure how they could be related or what could have happened to the others

 

Now Piper has to choose. If she ignores the truth not sure what this is- she’ll have a chance at living in peace, yet she’ll always be under the control of the government. If she joins the Resistance- she’ll not only help start another war, but orchestrate in the return of the Others.

 

It seems like the clear choice here would be to live in peace, since the other option is to not only start a war but have the Others come back to decimate the planet again. What good thing happens if she joins the resistance?

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is the first of a standalone with series potential a potential series.

 

Hope that was helpful and thanks for the feedback!


No current query.


#30 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 19 January 2018 - 01:57 PM

Hope that was helpful and thanks for the feedback!

Thanks for the feedback! I'm having a hard time with the choices at the end because I feel when I write too much it'll give away my big twist in the book. And I certainly don't want to give that away in the query. I will keep trying....



#31 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 19 January 2018 - 11:14 PM

Revision 6:

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to normal. The way things were ten years ago before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day, she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

When a newly reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her small isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. As she prepares to fight these rebels, her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and asks her to join. She learns how all three are connected; the Resistance, the new government and the truth of what really happened to the Others.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves- she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government, if she says yes and joins the Resistance- she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.



#32 KET Writes

KET Writes

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationCanada

Posted 20 January 2018 - 05:31 PM

Thank you so much for your critique of my query! You made me feel like I was actually getting somewhere!!

 

Revision 6:

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to normal. The way things were ten years ago before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. I know combining the first two sentences makes it a bit long, but the first line on it's own isn't as powerful. I crossed out "without warning" as a way to reduce the word count a bit, but it's not bad with it.  Now, after years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day, she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

When a newly reformed government shows up ​I'm curious about "shows up" did they exist somewhere else and just moved in and assumed power, or did they sort of form from the people left on earth? unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her small isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. As she prepares to fight these rebels,​I'm wondering if she's preparing to fight on her own? Is it to prove her worth and rise up the ranks? Is she preparing by herself? Is she being told to fight the rebels? her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and asks her to join. She learns how all three are connected; the Resistance, the new government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. Does she learn this all from her instructor?

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves- she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government, if she says yes and joins the Resistance- she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others. 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

 

 

Hope this helps! It sounds like an interesting story! I would just like to know a little more about what drives Piper. The outcome of her choices is clearly outlined, but I'm wondering a bit more about the conflict. Because yes, losing the person you love is HORRIBLE, but slave to the government seems like a slight jump, because she's determined to work her way up in it (albeit, so she can send money back home). Maybe outline how she hates serving her time, so that we know it really would be a sacrifice if she had to do it forever. Hopefully that makes sense!

 

 

Schedule


If my feedback was helpful, I'd appreciate some thoughts on my YA Urban Fantasy Query !

 


#33 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 20 January 2018 - 10:00 PM

Thank you so much for your critique of my query! You made me feel like I was actually getting somewhere!!

 

 

 

Hope this helps! It sounds like an interesting story! I would just like to know a little more about what drives Piper. The outcome of her choices is clearly outlined, but I'm wondering a bit more about the conflict. Because yes, losing the person you love is HORRIBLE, but slave to the government seems like a slight jump, because she's determined to work her way up in it (albeit, so she can send money back home). Maybe outline how she hates serving her time, so that we know it really would be a sacrifice if she had to do it forever. Hopefully that makes sense!

 

 

Schedule

Thanks for the help! I actually meant to say 'the newly reformed' instead of  'a newly reformed'... Good catch because in that sentence they definitely mean two different things. Essentially, it's our government getting back on it's feet. And I'll need to rewrite the 'slave to the government' part. It's actually not because she feels like a slave working for them but it's because she realizes that the Resistance is right- the government is controlling it's citizens. So, I will work on making that more clear. Thanks! I think my biggest problem has always been about Piper herself. There's so much story to tell, I really don't know how describe Piper's emotions to it. I'll keep trying!



#34 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 20 January 2018 - 10:10 PM

Revision #7 :

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day, she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

When the newly reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her small isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected; the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves- she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government, if she says yes and joins the Resistance- she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.



#35 Mdane

Mdane

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 90 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand
  • Publishing Experience:Self published, Amazon: The Traitor in the Trees

Posted 20 January 2018 - 11:28 PM

Revision #7 :

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day,(Unnecessary comma) she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back. Good opening

 

When the newly reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her small I think the word town is enough to let everyone know it is small isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected; the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves (no hyphen necessary) she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government, if she says yes and joins the Resistance- she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

 

I think this is a well written query. The story seems intriguing and sounds like it has some similar themes as equilibrium (which I watched last night and is badass). Very good query.

 

If you get a chance, would you mind looking at my query, The Other Side of Blood?

 

Thanks


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#36 MICRONESIA

MICRONESIA

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 307 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 22 January 2018 - 10:18 AM

Revision #7 :

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. This was before the Others Beware Song of Ice and Fire comparisons! attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day, she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back. So they're aliens? And they're no longer around? I would make this clear as simply and quickly as possible. 

 

When the newly HYPHEN reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, Why? In case the aliens return? Again -- no reason not to make this crystal clear in the reader's mind. taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her small isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected This needs to be an em-dash or a colon, not a semicolon. the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves Comma she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government. If she says yes and joins the Resistance Comma she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

 

Nice! I love the simplicity and flow of your language. Other than the notes above, my biggest concern involves the main plot. You HAVE to connect the aliens to the rebels. Right now, the two plots don't fit together in a logical way. We hear about aliens -- OH WOW, COOL PLOT! Then we hear about armies and rebellions and governments and are like... Okay, THIS is the plot? I have no idea how the Resistance will orchestrate the return of the Others, or why. Clear these things up with some specifics and this thing will be looking NICE!


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#37 dizzywriter

dizzywriter

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 590 posts
  • Literary Status:published, self-published, in-between agents
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 22 January 2018 - 07:21 PM

New version on post #34! Thanks for all the help and comments!

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Piper Sullivan’s world changed forever when unknown ‘Others’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished once again, leaving behind flattened cities and citizens fighting for resources and survival.

 

Now, ten years later, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table for her family. Whether she’s counting eggs from the chicken coop or yanking carrots from the garden where her childhood swing set used to stand, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back. [This is all backstory.]

 

On Piper’s eighteenth birthday, the newly re-formed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft.  [I'd start with her getting drafted] [Though at peace for a decade after mysterious Others attacked earth before mysteriously vanishing...[add a bit about flattened cities and scavenging]

 

Despite not being at war.

 

Forced to leave her family behind, she pushes her feelings aside and vows to earn a position that will ensure her family is fed.

 

Once in basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance. [After getting attacked by the Others, you bring up the Resistance] An underground group planning on revolting [they need a motive for this] against the government and destroying everything Piper has worked so hard to rebuild. But with the roads not being repaired fast enough, technology still down (Piper still holds onto her mom’s old cell phone that no longer works), and a draft during peace, the Resistance claims the government is holding progress back on purpose and controlling its citizens.

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these pesky [are you diminishing them on purpose? because this word diminishes the danger] rebels. But as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake, he reveals the truth about the Others and the Resistance and why she may be on the wrong side after all.

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth and live in safety or join the Resistance and risk not only her life but the lives of her family and friends as well.

Thank you for your input on mine. I think you have a good story and clear stakes, but there is too much backstory. I'd use those words to flesh out the plot with more detail. I added some random line suggestions. Good luck! I have a revision up if you have time to look.



#38 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 22 January 2018 - 08:26 PM

Thank you for your input on mine. I think you have a good story and clear stakes, but there is too much backstory. I'd use those words to flesh out the plot with more detail. I added some random line suggestions. Good luck! I have a revision up if you have time to look.

ah man, I think something went wrong with the post. This was the first one I put out. The latest revision is #7 on page 34. I saw earlier that this was happening to other people too. But thanks for the thoughts! ;) I will take a look at your again too.



#39 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 22 January 2018 - 08:47 PM

I just cleaned it up a bit. Revision #8

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government. If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.



#40 Gabe S.

Gabe S.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 51 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Wrote stuff already

Posted 22 January 2018 - 08:54 PM

I like it! 

With my query adventures, I did find it true that sometimes the query will spotlight potential weakness in the MS. It's something that comes up frequently with all writers of differing experience levels. Now all you gotta so do is make sure the query is true to the MS, and vice-versa. If it's not, agent lady or dude will be miffed. 

Go bravely forth! 


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...aded-ya-sci-fi/





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users