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BLACK STARS FALLING


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#41 Nonicks

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 05:09 AM

I just cleaned it up a bit. Revision #8

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with (irrelevant since it's not a romance novel), reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government. If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others. (ok, but what's the novel about?) 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

 

 

After finishing the query, I don't know what the novel is about. What happens after she agrees to join the rebels? (or if she disagrees?) But I  think that what's really missing in this query is the voice. 

 

thank you for commenting ion my query, I'd appreciate it if you took another look at it, here



#42 alibi174

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 11:23 AM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government [this sentence reads a bit strangely because it is a fragment. I'm guessing you made this choice intentionally, but it was confusing for me and I had to read it over a few times]. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper farms, huntsand scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll [consider changing this word to "the Others", since it's been a couple of sentences since they were mentioned] ever be back.

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government [is there anything else you could say about the Resistance that could differentiate them from every other group of rebels?]. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected [this second clause reads a bit awkwardly]: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others [I wasn't prepared for you to talk about the Others again here...it feels a little forced since they haven't been mentioned since the first paragraph]. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government. If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

I would greatly appreciate any feedback you can provide on my new version of my query for BISECTER


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#43 dizzywriter

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 01:45 PM



I just cleaned it up a bit. Revision #8

 

Every day, seventeen-year-old Piper farms, hunts and scavenges food in the flattened [destroyed, devastated] cities and stares up at the sky, [terrified? She's not just wondering, is she?] that the Others who shattered Earth ten years ago will return.

 

Instead, the draft-board of the newly-reformed government shows up to take Piper and her friends...

***

 

Sorry for the heavy hand in rewriting but it's much easier than making suggestions. This is just an idea of blending the background into the now, though I think it's still too much backstory at the outset. 

 

and wonders if they’ll ever be back. wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper [Piper is 17. She couldn't have rebuilt much of anything] 

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town [family?] will suffer [something more specific, starve?]without the extra hands to help [too vague -- this might be a good point to introduce how they hunt and gather food]. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. [This is key. It means the struggles of Piper and her town are artificial. I think you need to spell it out. Otherwise the rebels are generic] At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels [too bland. If they're dangerous, say so]. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected [too vague]: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. [I think you need to spell out how they are connected -- the government invited the Others to destroy Earth so it could better control the population -- or whatever the conspiracy is ]. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.[there's no reason for her to do this unless you tell us why the government is bad. Just because the rebels believe it, doesn't mean it's true. The rebels could be lying, too, and in such situations IRL, often do.]

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government [spell out what's so bad about the government. Only people who've never lived WITHOUT a government assume it's a great fun thing with free money and no curfews. ;)). If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

It's getting there. But I do think there's too much back story and you need to spell out what is bad about the government. I have what I"m hoping is a final (for now) revision up, if you can take a look. Thanks for your input. It really helped.



#44 alibi174

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 12:38 PM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving [and left] behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen [if it's accurate, I think "falling" would be better (less jarring, since this is)] the first time he's mentioned] in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government. If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

 

Really great job revising this! This version is much cleaner and easier to read :)


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#45 VSChapman

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 12:50 PM

Newest revision #9.  I'm torn because of the conflicting critiques. Some love it while others don't know what my story is about. (not sure how that can happen. ;0)  I've read that I shouldn't give away the whole book in the query but a lot of people ask what the connection is between the Resistance, the government and the Others. Telling this gives away the book. But...I will try it and see what y'all think. I will happily delete it again if it's too much. Thanks for all the help as always! 

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After a three-day war, they mysteriously vanished, making the world believe they'd won.

 
Now, after years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, Piper farms, hunts, and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they'll ever be back.
 
When the newly reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her town will suffer without the extra hands to help feed the people. But determined to serve her time, she hopes she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.
 
In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back the progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels after they graduate from basic training, but she learns the truth about why the Resistance is really fighting the government. The Others never left after all and now they secretly control the government and hence all its citizens, claiming to only want peace.
 
If Piper joins the Resistance, she'll help start another war. If she doesn't, she'll stay a slave to those who've already destroyed her world once.
 
BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. 


#46 VSChapman

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 12:54 PM

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving [and left] behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen [if it's accurate, I think "falling" would be better (less jarring, since this is)] the first time he's mentioned] in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government. If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

 

Really great job revising this! This version is much cleaner and easier to read :)

 

Ha! You posted this just as I was writing the newest one in here. I've changed the end if you could take a look. Thank you!!!



#47 MICRONESIA

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 02:39 PM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After a three-day war, they mysteriously vanished, making the world believe they'd won. This might bring up unnecessary questions. Did the aliens take anything? Or did they just roll through, blow shit up, and leave? Maybe it's the "won" that's throwing me off here...

 
Now, after years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, Piper farms, hunts, and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they'll ever be back. I like how you've cleared a lot of this up.
 
When the newlyHYPHENreformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her town will suffer without the extra hands to help feed the people. Cluttered, overly-complex sentence. Break it up. But determined to serve her time, she hopes she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.
 
In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back the progress in order to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels after they graduate from basic training, but she learns the truth about why the Resistance is really fighting the government. The Others never left after all and now they secretly control the government and hence all its citizens, claiming to only want peace. I understand all this and dig it, but the writing can be sharper/clearer.
 
If Piper joins the Resistance, she'll help start another war. If she doesn't, she'll stay a slave to those who've already destroyed her world once.
 
BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. 

 

Again, cool story. Really reminds me of the Russian novel ROADSIDE PICNIC (everybody: read it if you haven't already). My main issue concerns clarity/style, which I noted above. I also don't feel close to the MC much at all. We know more about the global situation than we do about her: what her personality is like, what makes her tick, etc.


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#48 Wayfarer

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 04:35 PM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And But as life settles back into the ordinary, she can't help every day she stares but stare up at the sky, and wonders wondering if they’ll ever be back.

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town will suffer for their loss.without the extra hands to help But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance. He explains to her the connection between and how all three are connected: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government. If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others. (The way these stakes are worded feels weak to me. She can either say no to love, but not have war, or say yes to it, and have war. You need to explain why being a slave to the government is a worthwhile option for Piper to consider, and on the contrast why war is worthwhile beyond the argument that she gets to be in love.)

 

 



#49 Artsnerd

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 05:00 PM

Thanks for your critique of my own manuscript! I appreciate it! :)

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago.[I feel like there should be an em-dash or something connecting the first and second sentence] Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After a three-day war, they mysteriously vanished, making the world believe they'd won.

 

Now, after years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, Piper farms, hunts, and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they'll ever be back.

 

When the newly reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her town will suffer without the extra hands to help feed the people. But determined to serve her time, she hopes she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: [a comma would probably suffice; also, this might just be me, but you may want to consider changing the name of this group from the Resistance to maybe something more original] an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back the progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels after they graduate from basic training, but she learns the truth about why the Resistance is really fighting the government. The Others never left after all and now they secretly control the government and hence all its citizens, claiming to only want peace.

 

If Piper joins the Resistance, she'll help start another war. If she doesn't, she'll stay a slave to those who've already destroyed her world once. [Nice! The stakes are apparent]

 

BLACK STARS FALLING [I really like this title!] is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. 


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

―Maya Angelou

 

The query for my current WIP can be found here.

 

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#50 VSChapman

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 05:55 PM

Again, cool story. Really reminds me of the Russian novel ROADSIDE PICNIC (everybody: read it if you haven't already). My main issue concerns clarity/style, which I noted above. I also don't feel close to the MC much at all. We know more about the global situation than we do about her: what her personality is like, what makes her tick, etc.


This is one of my main issues. Making the MC come alive more. With the word count and trying to explain the story she gets left out. I will work on that. Thanks!

#51 VSChapman

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 11:06 PM

Revision #10. I'm desperately hoping this one gives more of a feel for the MC. If not, then I give up! Okay, not really. I'll keep trying. 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After a three-day war, they retreated, making the world believe they'd won.

 
Now, after years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts, and scavenges to put food on the table. But as life settles back into the ordinary, she can't help but stare up at the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back. 
 
When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, Piper is torn away from her father and brother. Determined to serve her time, she hopes she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.
 
In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress in order to control its citizens. At first, Piper vows to be the best in her class, hoping to learn how to protect her family from the rebels as they steal from the towns and threaten the government. 
 
But as she falls for her charming instructor, he pulls her into his dangerous world as he reveals the truth about the Resistance and that he's a spy, asking her to join with him. The Others never left after all and now they secretly control the government and all its citizens. But they claim to only want peace, despite what they've done in the past.  
 
If Piper joins the Resistance to seek revenge of their destruction- she'll help start another war.
 
BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. 


#52 Sarah G G

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 05:17 AM

 

Revision #10. I'm desperately hoping this one gives more of a feel for the MC. If not, then I give up! Okay, not really. I'll keep trying. 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago, before the Others attacked Earth without warning. After a three-day war, they retreated, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. The world believe the'd won. (this sentence confuses me - at first I thought that humans thought the others won, but now I think you mean that humans think they won because the others left. This needs clarity.

 
Now,(Is now necessary?) after years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts, and scavenges to put food on the table. But (shorter sentences are good, but with "but," I think this is the same sentence, and that there should be a comma after table) as life settles back into the ordinary, she can't help but stare up at the sky (is staring up at the sky an important thing to include?) and wonder if the Others will come back. 
 
When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, Piper is torn away from her father and brother. Determined to serve her time, she hopes she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home. (Should this be more active? I.E. instead of "she hopes she can rise" changes to "she rises"? but maybe not, because the next paragraph talks about basic training....)
 
In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress in order to control its citizens. At first, Piper vows to be the best in her class, hoping to learn how to protect her family from the rebels as they steal from the towns and threaten the government. (Once again you start the next sentence with "but", when it is really is a continuation of the same thought) But as she falls for her charming instructor, he pulls her into his dangerous world as he reveals the truth about the Resistance and that he's a spy, asking her to join with him. How about changing to: When she falls for her charming instructor, he pulls her into his dangerous world and reveals the truth about the Resistance. (I would eliminate this:) and that he's a spy, asking her to join with him. The Others never left after all and now they secretly control the government and all its citizens. (You start the next sentence with But again. I think you can eliminate the whole thing) But they claim to only want peace, despite what they've done in the past.  
 
If Piper joins the Resistance to seek revenge of their destruction- she'll help start another war.
 
BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. 

 

 

I think your story is VERY clear. Now it is more an issue of grammar and sentence construction. I noted the places to potentially change. You are very close!



#53 rhwashere

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 06:24 AM

I think revision 10 is much better, but a few issues still linger.

1. Saying Piper is torn away from her family takes the decision away from her. However, elsewhere in the query, you say she is doing it to provide for her family and protect them from the rebels. I would take out the torn away part.

2. Your final two paragraphs feel weaker than the rest. Every sentence here should build tension more than the one before it. I would cut out “the truth about the Resistance” and just say he’s a spy and wants her to join the Resistance. I would also cut out the line that the Others want peace, as it slows your tension way down.

3. Your final line could benefit from another option to her choice that demostrates what’s at stake. For example: “Piper now must choose whether to ignore the truth and keep her family safe, or join the Resistance and start another war. One that could cost her family, and many others, their lives.”

4. You bounce around a little with what each sentence focuses on. I would group all like topics together, so that you fully address one issue, then move to the next, and so on. Suggested order: Others attacked and now Piper provides. Piper joins new government’s army to keep family safe from thieving rebels. Falls for instructor until he tells her he’s a rebel. Finds out that the Others have been here all along. Must decide to ignore this info to keep family safe, or join resistance and start another war.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/


#54 VSChapman

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 02:03 PM

I think your story is VERY clear. Now it is more an issue of grammar and sentence construction. I noted the places to potentially change. You are very close!

Thanks for the corrections! I'm working on a new revision now. 



#55 VSChapman

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 02:07 PM

I think revision 10 is much better, but a few issues still linger.

1. Saying Piper is torn away from her family takes the decision away from her. However, elsewhere in the query, you say she is doing it to provide for her family and protect them from the rebels. I would take out the torn away part.

2. Your final two paragraphs feel weaker than the rest. Every sentence here should build tension more than the one before it. I would cut out “the truth about the Resistance” and just say he’s a spy and wants her to join the Resistance. I would also cut out the line that the Others want peace, as it slows your tension way down.

3. Your final line could benefit from another option to her choice that demostrates what’s at stake. For example: “Piper now must choose whether to ignore the truth and keep her family safe, or join the Resistance and start another war. One that could cost her family, and many others, their lives.”

4. You bounce around a little with what each sentence focuses on. I would group all like topics together, so that you fully address one issue, then move to the next, and so on. Suggested order: Others attacked and now Piper provides. Piper joins new government’s army to keep family safe from thieving rebels. Falls for instructor until he tells her he’s a rebel. Finds out that the Others have been here all along. Must decide to ignore this info to keep family safe, or join resistance and start another war.

Thanks for all the thoughts! I had the 'torn away' part in there hoping to get more of a feeling of Piper. She doesn't want to go but knows she has to and makes the best out of it. I guess that's not really creating enough conflict though. I'm working on a new one now.



#56 rhwashere

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 02:22 PM

I don’t think it’s so much about creating conflict in that instance as it is about making Piper seem more active (instead of reactive). I had the same problem with my earlier novel’s MC.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/


#57 PureZhar3

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 05:03 PM

 

Revision #10. I'm desperately hoping this one gives more of a feel for the MC. If not, then I give up! Okay, not really. I'll keep trying. 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. I don't like that this is a sentence fragment. Cut the word "before" and the sentence should be good. After a three-day war, they retreated, making the world believe they'd won.

 
Now, after years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts, and scavenges to put food on the table. But as life settles back into the ordinary, she can't help but stare up at the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back. 
 
When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, Why? I thought they were at peace? Piper is torn away from her father and brother. Determined to serve her time, she hopes she can resolves to rise quickly through the ranks and send money home. 
 
In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress  be more specific about how they're holding back progress (I'm also not a huge fan of that phrase)in order to control its citizens. At first, Piper vows to be the best in her class, hoping to learn how to protect her family from the rebels as they steal from the towns and threaten the government.  Connect this and the last sentence a bt better... maybe talk about how Piper doesn't believe it and wants to defend herself/family
 
But as she falls for her charming instructor, the one we have not yet heard of? maybe bring him up a bit earlier he pulls her into his dangerous world as he reveals the truth about the Resistance and that he's a spy, asking her to join with him. The Others never left, after all and now they secretly control the government and all its citizens. But they claim to only want peace, despite what they've done in the past.  
 
If Piper joins the Resistance to seek revenge of their destruction From her prior motivations, revenge doesn't seem to jive with why she would join the resistance. Love, ethics, or loyalty seem to fit a bit more (I could be wrong)- no dash, just a comma she'll help start another war.
 
BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. 

 

Something about this query doesn't feel quite right... is there any way that you could bring the instructor in earlier and somehow tie him in with the rumors? It might make him feel more relevant, as well as help everything connect a bit better. That might be what's bothering me... I don't feel enough continuity between the whole thing. But you definitely are onto something with this draft... keep it up and don't lose hope!! I'll be back to help when you update :)


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#58 anathebookworm

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Posted 28 January 2018 - 02:44 PM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After a three-day war, they retreated, making the world believe they'd won.

 
Now, after years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts, and scavenges to put food on the table. But as life settles back into the ordinary, she can't help but stare up at the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back. So far, this is pretty great! I can see imagine what your MC is like, and it got me thinking about Hunger Games.
 
When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, Piper is torn away from her father and brother. I don't understand what you mean here. What draft? I don't think you mentioned this earlier in the query, so I'm confused. I'd explain this a bit better. Determined to serve her time, she hopes she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home. Same problem I had with the previous sentence--I don't know what you mean. Where did this come from? What is going on? Why did she had to serve the goverment? And, most important, why are they looking for people? Is there another attack coming?
 
In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group planning a revolt against the government. Why? Why is the goverment bad? So far, you didn't show me they're anything besides a regular "meh" goverment. They claim the government is holding back progress in order to control its citizens. Ahhh, you should have said this earlier! At first, Piper vows to be the best in her class, hoping to learn how to protect her family from the rebels as they steal from the towns and threaten the government. Steal what from the towns? People? Food? Weapons? Sounds to me like the Resistance is bad. Also, what about the Others? They just vanished from the story! I thought they were the bad guys.
 
But as she falls for her charming instructor, he pulls her into his dangerous world as he reveals the truth about the Resistance and that he's a spy, asking her to join with him. What is the truth? It isn't clear right now. The Others never left after all and now they secretly control the government and all its citizens. But they claim to only want peace, despite what they've done in the past. Hmm, okay, this makes sense now. But I do think you should re write it a bit, because some bits of the query left me very confused.
 
If Piper joins the Resistance to seek revenge of their destruction Wait, the way it's written now, it sounds like she wants to join the Resistance and get revenge on them!- she'll help start another war.
 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. 

 

 

Good luck! This sounds like a nice story! :) Also, thank you for your help with my query! <3 Hope I managed to help, too.



#59 PureZhar3

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Posted 28 January 2018 - 04:17 PM

This is random, but I don't think I ever told you how amazing your title for this book is.

It's amazing.

:smile:


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#60 AmberA

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Posted 28 January 2018 - 07:21 PM

Thanks for the corrections! I'm working on a new revision now. 

 

 

I will be back when you put up Revision 11! I feel that the other commenters pointed out most of the things I would suggest, so I'll be back to critique your latest revision! 


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=352035





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