Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

BLACK STARS FALLING


  • Please log in to reply
68 replies to this topic

#61 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 112 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 28 January 2018 - 10:12 PM

This is random, but I don't think I ever told you how amazing your title for this book is.

It's amazing.

:smile:

Lol! Thanks! It's actually means something too. It's part of the reason she's always 'staring up at the sky'. That's how the Others first attacked. She thought she saw a shooting star but it was actually one of the first bombs they dropped. It turns black right before hitting. 



#62 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 112 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 30 January 2018 - 05:04 PM

Revision 11: I’m not sure at this point if I’m making this any better or just changing words around.


Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago, before the Others attacked Earth. After a three-day war, they retreated, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. But as life settles back into the ordinary, her eyes still dart to the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back.

That is, until the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the military draft, despite not being at war. Piper and her friends are dragged away from the town and families that depend on them. Piper struggles with leaving her family behind, but resolves to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group stealing food and supplies from towns. They claim the government is holding back repairs and communications in order to control its citizens. Piper doesn’t believe them and wants to protect her family and town. As she prepares to fight against these rebels, she learns the truth- the Resistance is fighting against the Others. It turns out, they never left, and now they secretly control the government and its citizens.

If Piper joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war. If she doesn’t, she’ll stay a slave to those who already destroyed her world once.

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words.

#63 Zach

Zach

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 6 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 30 January 2018 - 05:23 PM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago, before the Others attacked Earth. After a three-day war, they retreated, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. But as life settles back into the ordinary, her eyes still dart to the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back.

 

That is, until the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the military draft, despite not being at war. Piper and her friends are dragged away from the town and families that depend on them. Piper struggles with leaving her family behind, but resolves to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group stealing food and supplies from towns. They claim the government is holding back repairs and communications in order to control its citizens. Piper doesn’t believe them and wants to protect her family and town. As she prepares to fight against these rebels, she learns the truth- the Resistance is fighting against the Others. It turns out, they never left, and now they secretly control the government and its citizens. I get that a secret society can take over the government, but you make it sound like the Others are imbedded in the civilian population as well by saying that they control the governments citizens. Is that the effect you are going for?

 

If Piper joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war. If she doesn’t, she’ll stay a slave to those who already destroyed her world once.

 

As far as I can tell, you’ve established well that Piper is a girl willing to do almost if not anything for her family. She does hard labor (hunting, scavenging) to provide for them, risks her life as a soldier for a government she doesn’t know or trust to send her family money, wants to fight the resistance to protect her families town from their raids. It’s a well established and moving motive. However, you make the point in your closing a conflict between a peaceful but oppressed status quo vs a violent war with the potential to create a more free world. This feels thematically off from the rest of your query, where the tension seems to be between Piper’s personal goals (not being drafted for example) and helping her family.

 

I only elaborate on this ending because I really liked the rest of the query. Hope that this helped!

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words.



#64 Bananas

Bananas

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 205 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada

Posted 31 January 2018 - 12:03 PM

Revision 11: I’m not sure at this point if I’m making this any better or just changing words around.


Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for her life to go back to the way things were ten years ago, before the Others attacked Earth. After a three-day war, they retreated, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After years of rebuilding, Now, Piper helps her family survive by scavenging the ruins. Piper farms, ok, while this might technically be true, I think farming isn't that compelling of an image. Someone picking weeds and pulling carrots isn't as interesting as someone on the hunt. Its all right to fudge some details in your query to increase its pop factor. As long as you're not misrepresenting the story/characters, you're fine. hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. But even as life finds a new normal, she can't stop watching the skies. But as life settles back into the ordinary, her eyes still dart to the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back.

That is, until the unannounced newly-reformed reformed is the wrong word here. While I get that it's coming back together, in politics it carries a different connotation than "to put back together" government shows up unannounced and reinstates the military draft, despite not being at war. Piper and her friends are dragged away from the town and families that depend on them. Piper struggles with leaving her family behind, but resolves to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

When representatives from a new government show up unannounced with a military draft, despite the war being over, Piper finds herself enlisted. Hoping to make the best of a bad situation, she looks to the silver lining - that her wages might be able to pull her family out of poverty. But when she begins hearing stories that the new government is holding back reconstruction efforts, the sheen comes off. The truth is worse than she realizes - the Others never left and this new government is their pawn. A small resistance is fighting them, but its all but hopeless. 

 

Piper has a choice to make; if she stays, she can help her family out of poverty, but if joins the Resistance, she might be able to free everyone

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group stealing food and supplies from towns. They claim the government is holding back repairs and communications in order to control its citizens. Piper doesn’t believe them and wants to protect her family and town. As she prepares to fight against these rebels, she learns the truth- the Resistance is fighting against the Others. It turns out, they never left, and now they secretly control the government and its citizens.

If Piper joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war. If she doesn’t, she’ll stay a slave to those who already destroyed her world once.


BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words.



#65 Wayfarer

Wayfarer

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 31 January 2018 - 03:15 PM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago, before the Others attacked Earth. After a three-day war, they retreated, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. But as life settles back into the ordinary, her eyes still dart to the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back. 

That is, until the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the military draft, despite not being at war. Piper and her friends are dragged away from the town and families that depend on them. Piper struggles with leaving her family behind, but resolves to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group stealing food and supplies from towns. They that claims claim the government is holding back repairs and communications in order to control its citizens. Piper doesn’t believe the rebels at first, but and wants to protect her family and town. As as she prepares to fight against them, she learns the truth- the Resistance is fighting against the Others. It turns out, they never left, and now they secretly control the government and its citizens.

 

Really good up until the final paragraph. I made some adjustments to it to allow it to read better, and get to the stakes a little quicker.



#66 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 112 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 02 February 2018 - 11:18 AM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago, before the Others attacked Earth. After a three-day war, they retreated, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. But as life settles back into the ordinary, her eyes still dart to the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back.

 

That is, until the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the military draft, despite not being at war. Piper and her friends are dragged away from the town and families that depend on them. Piper struggles with leaving her family behind, but resolves to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group stealing food and supplies from towns. They claim the government is holding back repairs and communications in order to control its citizens. Piper doesn’t believe them and wants to protect her family and town. As she prepares to fight against these rebels, she learns the truth- the Resistance is fighting against the Others. It turns out, they never left, and now they secretly control the government and its citizens. I get that a secret society can take over the government, but you make it sound like the Others are imbedded in the civilian population as well by saying that they control the governments citizens. Is that the effect you are going for?

 

If Piper joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war. If she doesn’t, she’ll stay a slave to those who already destroyed her world once.

 

As far as I can tell, you’ve established well that Piper is a girl willing to do almost if not anything for her family. She does hard labor (hunting, scavenging) to provide for them, risks her life as a soldier for a government she doesn’t know or trust to send her family money, wants to fight the resistance to protect her families town from their raids. It’s a well established and moving motive. However, you make the point in your closing a conflict between a peaceful but oppressed status quo vs a violent war with the potential to create a more free world. This feels thematically off from the rest of your query, where the tension seems to be between Piper’s personal goals (not being drafted for example) and helping her family.

 

I only elaborate on this ending because I really liked the rest of the query. Hope that this helped!

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words.

Hey Zach, yes, the Others are hiding among the population. If I said something like 'secretly control the government while hiding among its citizens' would that help?



#67 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 03 February 2018 - 12:19 PM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago, before the Others attacked Earth. After a three-day war, they the Others? Might I suggest editing to something like "After a three-day assault, the Others retreated" retreated, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. For the sake of parallelism/flow, it might be worth trying to make both of these plural or singular (a flattened world and shattered government" or "flattened cities and shattered governments") After years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. But as life settles back into the ordinary, her eyes still dart to the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back.

That is, until the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the military draft, despite not being at war. Piper and her friends are dragged away from the town and families that depend on them. Piper struggles with leaving her family behind maybe show how she struggles with this, but resolves to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group stealing food and supplies from towns. They claim the government is holding back repairs and communications in order to control its citizens. Piper doesn’t believe them and wants to protect her family and town You've already established her focus on family/home, so either use this space to explain why she doesn't believe them, or just take it out. As she prepares to fight against these rebels, she learns the truth - the Resistance is fighting against the Others. It turns out, they never left, and now they secretly control the government and its citizens. This sentence could be written better. I like your rewrite of it in post 66

If Piper joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war. If she doesn’t, she’ll stay a slave to those who already destroyed her world once. Good. This could have a bit more of a punch, however, if you edited it a bit, I think.

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#68 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 112 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:11 PM

Thanks all! I will work on the suggestions above and see what I can do. Hopefully, it's getting there!



#69 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:37 PM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago, before the Others attacked Earth. After a three-day war, they retreated, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. After years of rebuilding, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. But as life settles back into the ordinary, her eyes still dart to the sky, wondering if the Others will ever be back.

That is, until the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the military draft, despite not being at war. Piper and her friends are dragged away from the town and families that depend on them. Piper struggles with leaving her family behind ​no comma but resolves to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance, an underground group stealing food and supplies from towns. They ​this is super minor, but at first I wasn't sure who "they" referred to (the towns? the rumors? the Resistance? I figured it was the Resistance) claim the government is holding back repairs and communications in order to control its citizens. Piper doesn’t believe them ​maybe also clarify this pronoun - Piper doesn't believe "the gossip" - since she isn't talking directly to the Resistance and wants to protect her family and town. ​You've established this quite a lot that unless you're going to say "Piper doesn't believe the gossip, strengthening her desire to protect her family by warding off these rebels"As she prepares to fight against these rebels, ​however?, she learns the truth- the Resistance is fighting against the Others. It turns out ​no comma they never left, and now they secretly control the government and its citizens.

If Piper joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war. If she doesn’t, she’ll stay a slave to those who already destroyed her world once.

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words.

 

​I'm liking this! A few minor word changes were suggested, but otherwise, this is quite good!

​I've revised my own query if you're willing to check it out again :)


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users