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#1 VSChapman

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 04:02 PM

New version on post #34! Thanks for all the help and comments!

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Piper Sullivan’s world changed forever when unknown ‘Others’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished once again, leaving behind flattened cities and citizens fighting for resources and survival.

 

Now, ten years later, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table for her family. Whether she’s counting eggs from the chicken coop or yanking carrots from the garden where her childhood swing set used to stand, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

On Piper’s eighteenth birthday, the newly re-formed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft.  

 

Despite not being at war.

 

Forced to leave her family behind, she pushes her feelings aside and vows to earn a position that will ensure her family is fed.

 

Once in basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance. An underground group planning on revolting against the government and destroying everything Piper has worked so hard to rebuild. But with the roads not being repaired fast enough, technology still down (Piper still holds onto her mom’s old cell phone that no longer works), and a draft during peace, the Resistance claims the government is holding progress back on purpose and controlling its citizens.

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these pesky rebels. But as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake, he reveals the truth about the Others and the Resistance and why she may be on the wrong side after all.

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth and live in safety or join the Resistance and risk not only her life but the lives of her family and friends as well.



#2 rhwashere

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 05:26 PM

Okay, I know I'm breaking some of the rules, but I don't think it works otherwise. Please help! 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Piper Sullivan’s world changed forever when unknown ‘Others’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished once again, leaving behind flattened cities and citizens fighting for resources and survival.

 

Now, ten years later, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table for her family. Whether she’s counting eggs from the chicken coop or yanking carrots from the garden where her childhood swing set used to stand, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

On Piper’s eighteenth birthday, the newly re-formed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft. (Does the government show up after 10 years, or is the draft after 10 years?) 

 

Despite not being at war.

 

Forced to leave her family behind (is she forced to leave her family or does she choose?), she pushes her feelings aside and vows to earn a position that will ensure her family is fed. (I thought they lived on a farm? This is a good motivation, but I don't know enough about their situation to understand why they need help being fed)

 

Once in basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance. An underground group planning on revolting against the government and destroying everything Piper has worked so hard to rebuild (What, exactly, did she work hard to rebuild? I need to know more about her motivation here). But with the roads not being repaired fast enough, technology still down (Piper still holds onto her mom’s old cell phone that no longer works) (Why doesn't the technology work? Is this like Revolution where no technology works? If so, that should be addressed earlier), and a draft during peace, the Resistance claims the government is holding progress back on purpose and controlling its citizens.

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these pesky rebels. But as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake, he reveals the truth about the Others and the Resistance and why she may be on the wrong side after all.

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth and live in safety or join the Resistance and risk not only her life but the lives of her family and friends as well. (Why does joining the Resistance risk her family's life?)

 

I might think of ways you can simplify this. I know it's hard (I've done so many revisions, it's given me ulcers) but I feel like there's too much going on here. Focus on the core aspects of the story that are important to Piper.

 

I hope these suggestions helped. If so, please take a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/


#3 VSChapman

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 06:19 PM

I might think of ways you can simplify this. I know it's hard (I've done so many revisions, it's given me ulcers) but I feel like there's too much going on here. Focus on the core aspects of the story that are important to Piper.

 

I hope these suggestions helped. If so, please take a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/

Yep, I saw yours already and really liked the second draft. I've had a tough time trying to clean this up but I'll keep trying and see if I can answer your questions too. Thanks!



#4 Daisy

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 08:19 PM

Okay, I know I'm breaking some of the rules, but I don't think it works otherwise. Please help! 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Piper Sullivan’s world changed forever when unknown ‘Others’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished once again, leaving behind flattened cities and citizens fighting for resources and survival.

 

Now, ten years later, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table for her family. Whether she’s counting eggs from the chicken coop or yanking carrots from the garden where her childhood swing set used to stand, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

On Piper’s eighteenth birthday, the newly re-formed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft.  

 

Despite not being at war.

 

Forced to leave her family behind, she pushes her feelings aside and vows to earn a position that will ensure her family is fed.

 

Once in basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance. An underground group planning on revolting against the government and destroying everything Piper has worked so hard to rebuild. But with the roads not being repaired fast enough, technology still down (Piper still holds onto her mom’s old cell phone that no longer works), and a draft during peace, the Resistance claims the government is holding progress back on purpose and controlling its citizens.

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these pesky rebels. But as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake, he reveals the truth about the Others and the Resistance and why she may be on the wrong side after all.

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth and live in safety or join the Resistance and risk not only her life but the lives of her family and friends as well.

 

I LOVE this.

 

 

 

If I was an agent I'd request pages. 



#5 VSChapman

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 08:40 PM

I LOVE this.

 

 

 

If I was an agent I'd request pages. 

yay! Thank you!!!



#6 bkarperien

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 09:18 PM

Okay, I know I'm breaking some of the rules, but I don't think it works otherwise. Please help! 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Ten year ago, Piper Sullivan’s world changed forever when unknown ‘Others’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished once again, leaving behind flattened cities and citizens fighting for resources and survival.

 

Now, eighteen-year-old Piper (I think it runs a little smoother this way, and takes out some non-vital info. We don't really need to know they showed up on her birthday, right?)farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table for her family (might make it more compelling if we knew why Piper's family was so dependent on her.). Whether she’s counting eggs from the chicken coop or yanking carrots from the garden where her childhood swing set used to stand, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

Then the newly re-formed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft. Despite not being at war. Forced to leave her family(maybe home? to avoid repeating the word?) behind, Piper pushes her feelings aside and vows to earn a position that will ensure her family is fed.

 

Once in basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government and destroy everything Piper has worked so hard to rebuild. But with the roads not being repaired fast enough (awkward, maybe "road repairs constantly delayed?"), technology still down (Piper still holds onto her mom’s old cell phone that no longer works), and a draft during peace, the Resistance claims the government is holding progress back on purpose and controlling its citizens. (So why doesn't Piper believe the Resistance? The evidence above is rather compelling, why does she dismiss it so easily? Also, I'd tack that onto this paragraph so the final paragraph begins with the revelation.) 

But as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake, he reveals the truth about the Others and the Resistance, and Piper realizes she may be on the wrong side after all. Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth and live in safety or join the Resistance and risk not only her life but the lives of her family and friends as well. (How would joining the Resistance impact her friends and family? I feel like these stakes could be improved on. It doesn't feel personal enough. Also, would ignoring the truth really grant her and her family safety if the government is evil and doing bad things?)

I made some suggestions, did a tiny bit of restructuring and such. I think you had a lot of unnecessary paragraph breaks. I also feel like I don't know much about Piper. I don't know anything about her personality, only that she a provider for her family. 

I loved this though! It's got great 5th Wave vibes. The writing was lovely, I felt like I was watching a movie trailer. I'd still focus on simplifying a bit, and tidying things up, but overall, I quite liked it :)

If you get a chance, please check out my query!


Check out my query!


#7 sereneew

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Posted 10 January 2018 - 09:43 PM

Okay, I know I'm breaking some of the rules, but I don't think it works otherwise. Please help! 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Piper Sullivan’s world changed forever when unknown ‘Others’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished once again, leaving behind flattened cities and citizens fighting for resources and survival.

 

Now, ten years later, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table for her family. Whether she’s counting eggs from the chicken coop or yanking carrots from the garden where her childhood swing set used to stand, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

On Piper’s eighteenth birthday, the newly re-formed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft.  

 

Despite not being at war.

 

Forced to leave her family behind, she pushes her feelings aside and vows to earn a position that will ensure her family is fed.

 

Once in basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance. An underground group planning on revolting against the government and destroying everything Piper has worked so hard to rebuild. But with the roads not being repaired fast enough, technology still down (Piper still holds onto her mom’s old cell phone that no longer works), and a draft during peace, the Resistance claims the government is holding progress ( holding what progress?)  back on purpose and controlling its citizens.

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these pesky rebels. But as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake, he reveals the truth about the Others and the Resistance and why she may be on the wrong side after all. ( Ohh. I like the twist!) 

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth and live in safety or join the Resistance and risk not only her life but the lives of her family and friends as well. 

 

 

Okay so you really have a great query. I just added a few recommendations. But honestly, I would send a few query out, because I know agents will request for more! I really like the twist! But don't forgets to credits. ( Title, word count, genre and comps if any ) then new paragraph with a little bio ( if you published anything journals, articles and etc. ) 

 

Hope this helps (: 

 

Oh I just read about the format. So this is breaking the traditional query rule, but I'm not sure if it's going to hurt you. I don't follow the traditional format either, but it's close to similar. instead of three para. I have four. Maybe googling it up... Or if you can try to condense it to four paragraphs. Hook. Para 1, Para 2 and Para 3 with stakes. 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#8 darsenault

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 03:27 AM

Okay, I know I'm breaking some of the rules, but I don't think it works otherwise. Please help! 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

 

Piper Sullivan’s world changed forever when unknown ‘Others’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they mysteriously vanished once again, leaving behind flattened cities and citizens fighting for resources and survival.

 

"changed forever" and "mysteriously vanished" are phrases which mean very little. They're a good sign that you aren't getting to your point. You can condense the first two paragraphs into a single sentence. "After a three day invasion where aliens laid waste to the world and then vanished, Piper Sullivan struggles just to help keep her family fed."

 

Now, ten years later, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table for her family. Whether she’s counting eggs from the chicken coop or yanking carrots from the garden where her childhood swing set used to stand, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back. This is backstory. In a query, start with the protagonist and move directly into the problem they're facing.

 

On Piper’s eighteenth birthday, the newly re-formed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft.  

 

Despite not being at war.

 

You forget to mention that Piper is drafted, which seems pretty important. 

 

Forced to leave her family behind, she pushes her feelings aside and vows to earn a position that will ensure her family is fed.

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning on revolting against the government and destroying everything Piper has worked so hard to rebuild. (They're attacking her family's farm? Seems odd for a bunch of rebels. I imagine the rebels are actually trying to overthrow the newly formed government, and you should say that. Always lean toward being specific over being floral in a query.) But with the roads not being repaired fast enough, technology still down (Piper still holds onto her mom’s old cell phone that no longer works), and a draft during peace, the Resistance claims the government is holding progress back on purpose and controlling its citizens. We don't really need a list of the govt's inefficiencies. "The resistance claims the government is intentionally preventing the repair of the roads and technology in order to control the remaining populace."

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these pesky rebels. But as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake, he reveals the truth about the Others and the Resistance and why she may be on the wrong side after all.

 

So the reason I told you to cut so much from the first few paragraphs? None of it tells me anything about your story. Right here, Piper has a conflict (what is it?) and a choice to make (what are the options?). That choice has consequences (what are they?). Use that word count you saved above to tell us more about Piper. She's what we're here to read about. You sum things up nicely below, but Piper is so sparsely mentioned in the query so far that it looks like you're telling us the conflict, rather than showing us the conflict.

 

Also, rebels aren't pesky. Your kid sister is a pesk when she won't stop looking through your stuff. 

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth and live in safety or join the Resistance and risk not only her life but the lives of her family and friends as well.

 

 

Your story has promise, and this query is not bad for a first try! I'm really curious about the three-day invasion, and the fact that it doesn't show up again in the query leaves me a little worried. Where are the aliens now? When in the story do they return, throwing a wrench into the machinations of the govt and the rebels? 

The post-apocalyptic story of rebels vs. govt has been done and done again. The three day invasion is interesting and (to my eyes) unique. Focus on what makes your story unique.

But above all, focus on Piper, and her role in all of this.

 

Good luck!



#9 VSChapman

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 02:19 PM

Thanks everyone for the help. I rewrote this in trying to get more of a feel of Piper.

 

Revision #2

 

Piper Sullivan is unaware of the war that is about to erupt. Sheltered by her father in hopes to keep her and her brother safe, she is unknowingly naïve about the truth of why the Others mysteriously vanished after three days of war, leaving behind flattened cities, downed communication and the government in pieces. Or to the growing rebellion in her own backyard.

 

After ten years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, eighteen-year-old Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. Whether she’s counting eggs from the chicken coop or yanking carrots from the garden, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

That is until the newly re-formed military shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away from the hunting and farming that her town depends on.

 

Against her father’s wishes, she pushes her feelings aside about the draft and vows to do her service and help rebuild her country. If she can earn a good position, she’ll be able to send more money home.

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government. Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels. But as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake, he reveals the truth about the Others, the Resistance and how it all leads back to her own father.

 

Piper realizes why she may be on the wrong side after all. Now she has to choose: ignore the truth and live in safety or ruin what her father has tried so hard to protect her from in hopes of protecting her family’s future her own way.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA Sci-Fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series.



#10 VSChapman

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 02:52 PM

I made some suggestions, did a tiny bit of restructuring and such. I think you had a lot of unnecessary paragraph breaks. I also feel like I don't know much about Piper. I don't know anything about her personality, only that she a provider for her family. 

I loved this though! It's got great 5th Wave vibes. The writing was lovely, I felt like I was watching a movie trailer. I'd still focus on simplifying a bit, and tidying things up, but overall, I quite liked it :)

If you get a chance, please check out my query!

Thank you! I tried to make some changes and put more in about Piper. Let me know what you thought of the version.



#11 VSChapman

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 02:55 PM

Your story has promise, and this query is not bad for a first try! I'm really curious about the three-day invasion, and the fact that it doesn't show up again in the query leaves me a little worried. Where are the aliens now? When in the story do they return, throwing a wrench into the machinations of the govt and the rebels? 

The post-apocalyptic story of rebels vs. govt has been done and done again. The three day invasion is interesting and (to my eyes) unique. Focus on what makes your story unique.

But above all, focus on Piper, and her role in all of this.

 

Good luck!

So, the Others are mentioned again at the end of the query or rather the truth about them being revealed. I can't put in too much because it'll give it away. It's been hard to write this without giving it all away! ;)  I tried to build Piper up a little more too in the newer version. Thanks for your help!



#12 VSChapman

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Posted 11 January 2018 - 02:58 PM

Okay so you really have a great query. I just added a few recommendations. But honestly, I would send a few query out, because I know agents will request for more! I really like the twist! But don't forgets to credits. ( Title, word count, genre and comps if any ) then new paragraph with a little bio ( if you published anything journals, articles and etc. ) 

 

Hope this helps (: 

 

Oh I just read about the format. So this is breaking the traditional query rule, but I'm not sure if it's going to hurt you. I don't follow the traditional format either, but it's close to similar. instead of three para. I have four. Maybe googling it up... Or if you can try to condense it to four paragraphs. Hook. Para 1, Para 2 and Para 3 with stakes. 

Thank you! I cut out a few things and tried to focus on Piper more. I know the traditional format says no backstory but my backstory is really a big part of the actual story too so it's been hard.



#13 darsenault

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 02:23 AM

Thanks everyone for the help. I rewrote this in trying to get more of a feel of Piper.

 

Revision #2

 

Piper Sullivan is unaware of the war that is about to erupt. Sheltered by her father in hopes to keep her and her brother safe, she is unknowingly  naïve about the truth of why the Others mysteriously vanished after three days of war. They left behind flattened cities, downed communication and a shattered government. Piper has no idea about the growing rebellion in her own backyard.

 

Keep your sentences straightforward and clear when you can, and don't break parallelism in your lists.

 

After ten years of rebuilding what the Others destroyed, eighteen-year-old Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. Whether she’s counting eggs from the chicken coop or yanking carrots from the garden, she stares up to the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back. The story is not about Piper feeding her family. You don't have word count to waste on anything that isn't essential.

 

That is until the newly re-formed military shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away from the hunting and farming that her town depends on. Perfect! You nailed this sentence. Combine it with the first line of the last paragraph, and I think you'll see how strong it is.

 

Against her father’s wishes, she pushes her feelings aside about the draft and vows to do her service and help rebuild her country. If she can earn a good position, she’ll be able to send more money home. 

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government. Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels. But as she grows close to one of her instructors, Jake, he reveals the truth about the Others, the Resistance and how it all leads back to her own father.

 

Piper realizes why she may be on the wrong side after all. Now she has to choose: ignore the truth and live in safety or ruin what her father has tried so hard to protect her from in hopes of protecting her family’s future her own way.

 

You're not writing a back-cover blurb. A query needs to contain the most interesting part of your story. Don't be afraid to reveal it. "how it all leads back to her father" and "why she may be on the wrong side after all" are too general to be interesting. Be specific. 

 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA Sci-Fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series.

 

 

This was a really great second draft! It flowed much better, and I think you're moving in the right direction. Just keep tidying, and don't hold back the best parts of your story! You don't need to tell us the end, but you do need to tell us why your story is interesting.



#14 VSChapman

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 06:31 PM

Okay, try #3. Thanks for all your comments! 

 

darsenault, I hope this helps make the story more interesting.  :unsure:

 

 

Piper Sullivan is unaware of the war that is about to erupt. She also doesn’t know that her own father is behind it.

 

Ever since the Others attacked Earth ten years ago, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government; her father has been trying to protect eighteen-year-old Piper and her brother from the dangers of the new world. In their small, isolated town, she farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table. But with her eyes always to the sky wondering if they’ll ever be back, she doesn’t see the growing rebellion in her own backyard.

 

That is until the newly re-formed military shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away. Piper’s father doesn’t want her to go. He has spent the last ten years trying to protect her. She pushes her feelings aside about the draft and vows to do her service and help rebuild her country. If she can earn a good position in the army, she’ll be able to send more money home to support her family.

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government. Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels. As she grows closer to, Jake, one of her instructors, she learns the truth about the Others, the Resistance and how it all leads back to her own father.

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth, and help destroy everything her father has worked so hard to build; or expose the truth, and help start another war. 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA Sci-Fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series.



#15 Kelz1990

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 09:11 PM

Okay, try #3. Thanks for all your comments! 

 

darsenault, I hope this helps make the story more interesting.  :unsure:

 

 

Piper Sullivan is unaware of the war that is about to erupt. She also doesn’t know that her own father is behind it.

 

Ever since the Others attacked Earth ten years ago, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government; (use a comma here instead of a semicolon) her father has been trying to protect eighteen-year-old Piper and her brother from the dangers of the new world. In their small, isolated town, she farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table. But with her eyes always to the sky, (I added a comma here) wondering if they’ll ever be back, she doesn’t see the growing rebellion in her own backyard.

 

That is, (and another comma I added) until the newly re-formed reformed (no dashes necessary) military shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away. Piper’s father doesn’t want her to go. He as he has spent the last ten years trying to protect her. She pushes her feelings aside about the draft and vows to do her service and help rebuild her country. If she can earn a good position in the army, she’ll be able to send more money home to support her family.

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government. Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels. As she grows closer to (this time, a comma was removed) Jake, one of her instructors, she learns the truth about the Others, the Resistance and how it all leads back to her own father.

 

Now Piper has to choose make a drastic decision: ignore the truth, and help destroy everything her father has worked so hard to build; (replace semicolon with comma) or expose the truth, and help start another war. 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA Sci-Fi complete completed at 93,000 words. It is the first of a potential series. I would say "This is a stand alone with series potential," but since I don't know anything about your manuscript, I don't know for sure if you should use that. If it stands alone, yes. If not, try to revise it so that it can stand alone. Don't fret over this, I've made the same mistake with my query too.



#16 sereneew

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 02:56 AM

Okay, try #3. Thanks for all your comments! 

 

darsenault, I hope this helps make the story more interesting.  :unsure:

 

 

Piper Sullivan is unaware of the war that is about to erupt. She also doesn’t know that her own father is behind it.

 

Ever since the Others attacked Earth ten years ago, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government;(comma) her father has been trying to protect eighteen-year-old Piper and her brother from the dangers of the new world. In their small, isolated town, she farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table. But with her eyes always to the sky wondering if they’ll ever be back, she doesn’t see the growing rebellion in her own backyard.

 

That is(Comma) until the newly reformed military shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away. Piper’s father doesn’t want her to go. He has spent the last ten years trying to protect her.( I'm not sure if this is relevant for this part. Or maybe just leave the part about the father protecting her.)  She pushes her feelings aside about the draft and vows to do her service and help rebuild her country. If she can earn a good position in the army, she’ll be able to send more money home to support her family.

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government. Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels. As she grows closer to, Jake( I would introduce him first before telling us she likes him or whatever it maybe. It doesn't flow right. It seems like you're just dropping names. ), one of her instructors, she learns the truth about the Others, the Resistance and how it all leads back to her own father. ( What does she learn? This is a little too vague. ) 

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth, and help destroy everything her father has worked so hard to build; or expose the truth, and help start another war.  ( I like your stakes, only if you elaborate on the 'truth'. It would make your stakes stronger.) 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA Sci-Fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series.

 

 

 

So far your drafts are getting better each revision. Just added some recommendations, that can be fixed with a sentence or a couple words.  Hope they're useful. I will look out for your next revision (: Good luck! 


If I helped please leave a feedback on my YA FANTASY QUERY http://agentquerycon...st-50/?p=350935


#17 AmberA

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 03:26 AM

Okay, try #3. Thanks for all your comments! 

 

darsenault, I hope this helps make the story more interesting.  :unsure:

 

 

Piper Sullivan is unaware of the war that is about to erupt. She also doesn’t know that her own father is behind it. ( This is catchy ) 

 

Ever since the Others attacked Earth ten years ago, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government; her father has been trying to protect eighteen-year-old Piper and her brother from the dangers of the new world. In their small, isolated town, she farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table.( Can you condense this. We don't really need to know about how they get the food on the table. You can leave that for your synopsis. Just a simple sentence will do. ) But with her eyes always to the sky wondering if they’ll ever be back, she doesn’t see the growing rebellion( Confused what's the 'rebellion' doing in her backyard ?) in her own backyard.

 

That is, ( don't forget your comma)  until the newly re-formed ( Im pretty sure theres no dashes between reformed.) military shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away. Piper’s father doesn’t want her to go.( This is redundant. You already told us in the previous para that her father is protecting them )  He has spent the last ten years trying to protect her. She pushes her feelings aside about the draft and vows to do her service and help rebuild her country. If she can earn a good position in the army, she’ll be able to send more money home to support her family.

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government. Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels. As she grows closer to, Jake, one of her instructors, she learns the truth about the Others, the Resistance and how it all leads back to her own father.

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth, and help destroy everything her father has worked so hard to build; or expose the truth, and help start another war. ( Good stakes) 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA Sci-Fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series.

 

 

 

Hey there! Thank you for your feedback on my query. You have a good plot and a good query. Some of the sentences didn't make sense or were vague, and it can easily be fixed. I looked at your previous drafts and your query is getting better within each draft, surely. I will be back when you make your new edits  :wink:


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=350461


#18 VSChapman

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Posted 16 January 2018 - 01:23 PM

Thanks all! It’s encouraging to hear they are getting better. I will keep trying!

#19 Sataris

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Posted 16 January 2018 - 02:13 PM

Okay, try #3. Thanks for all your comments! 

 

darsenault, I hope this helps make the story more interesting.  :unsure:

 

 

Piper Sullivan is unaware of the war that is about to erupt. And She also doesn’t know that her own father is behind it.

 

Ever since the Others attacked Earth ten years ago, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government; her father has been trying to protect eighteen-year-old this is on the upper end of YA; also, I'd probably just stick this in front of her name the first time she's mentioned Piper and her brother from the dangers of the new world. In their small, isolated town, she farms, hunts and scavenges to help put food on the table. But with her eyes always to watching the sky wondering minor issue, but eyes is the subject of wondering here if they’ll ever be back, she doesn’t see the growing rebellion in her own backyard.

 

That is until the newly re-formed military shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away. Piper’s father doesn’t want her to go. He has spent the last ten years trying to protect her.  seems a little bit like a perspective shift to the father here - maybe phrase this as piper being worried about her overprotective father instead? She pushes her feelings aside about the draft and vows to do her service and help rebuild her country. If she can earn a good position in the army, she’ll be able to send more money home to support her family. not sure this adds enough oomph for the word count it takes up.

 

In basic training, rumors fly about the Resistance, an underground group planning to overthrow the government. Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels. As she grows closer to, Jake, one of her instructors, she learns the truth about the Others, the Resistance and how it all leads back to her own father.

 

Now Piper has to choose: ignore the truth, and help destroy everything her father has worked so hard to build; or expose the truth, and help start another war. 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA Sci-Fi complete at 93,000. It is the first of a potential series.

 

 

This is pretty good. It's definitely clear, so that's a good start. My only major issue is with the end - we have no idea what the truth is, so none of her choices read as compelling. it's often tempting to hide your plot twists in the hopes that the agent will enjoy discovering them on their own, but you're much better off giving us some details here so that we can emphasize with the character's dilemma. Hope that was helpful! If you've got a minute, I'd appreciate you taking a look at the query in my signature. Best of luck.


No current query.


#20 VSChapman

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Posted 16 January 2018 - 02:49 PM

Sataris,

I’m glad you mentioned the age. I’ve actually been thinking about that too. I think I will change it to 17. I see 17 and 16 a lot so I will go with that. Thanks for the help!

Also, how do you post the link to your query at the bottom? I’be been trying to figure out how to do that. 😉




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