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YA Sci-fi Query


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#41 Nonicks

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Posted Yesterday, 05:09 AM

I just cleaned it up a bit. Revision #8

 

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper farms, hunts and scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll ever be back.

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with (irrelevant since it's not a romance novel), reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government. If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others. (ok, but what's the novel about?) 

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

 

 

After finishing the query, I don't know what the novel is about. What happens after she agrees to join the rebels? (or if she disagrees?) But I  think that what's really missing in this query is the voice. 

 

thank you for commenting ion my query, I'd appreciate it if you took another look at it, here



#42 alibi174

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Posted Yesterday, 11:23 AM

Seventeen-year-old Piper wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government [this sentence reads a bit strangely because it is a fragment. I'm guessing you made this choice intentionally, but it was confusing for me and I had to read it over a few times]. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper farms, huntsand scavenges to put food on the table. And every day she stares up at the sky and wonders if they’ll [consider changing this word to "the Others", since it's been a couple of sentences since they were mentioned] ever be back.

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town will suffer without the extra hands to help. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government [is there anything else you could say about the Resistance that could differentiate them from every other group of rebels?]. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected [this second clause reads a bit awkwardly]: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others [I wasn't prepared for you to talk about the Others again here...it feels a little forced since they haven't been mentioned since the first paragraph]. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government. If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

 

I would greatly appreciate any feedback you can provide on my new version of my query for BISECTER



#43 dizzywriter

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Posted Yesterday, 01:45 PM



I just cleaned it up a bit. Revision #8

 

Every day, seventeen-year-old Piper farms, hunts and scavenges food in the flattened [destroyed, devastated] cities and stares up at the sky, [terrified? She's not just wondering, is she?] that the Others who shattered Earth ten years ago will return.

 

Instead, the draft-board of the newly-reformed government shows up to take Piper and her friends...

***

 

Sorry for the heavy hand in rewriting but it's much easier than making suggestions. This is just an idea of blending the background into the now, though I think it's still too much backstory at the outset. 

 

and wonders if they’ll ever be back. wants nothing more than for life to go back to the way things were ten years ago. Before the Others attacked Earth without warning, leaving behind flattened cities and a shattered government. Now, after years of rebuilding what they destroyed, Piper [Piper is 17. She couldn't have rebuilt much of anything] 

 

When the newly-reformed government shows up unannounced and reinstates the draft, taking Piper and her friends away, she knows her isolated town [family?] will suffer [something more specific, starve?]without the extra hands to help [too vague -- this might be a good point to introduce how they hunt and gather food]. But Piper is determined to serve her time, hoping she can rise quickly through the ranks and send money home.

 

In basic training, rumors stir of the Resistance: an underground group planning a revolt against the government. They claim the government is holding back progress to control its citizens. [This is key. It means the struggles of Piper and her town are artificial. I think you need to spell it out. Otherwise the rebels are generic] At first, Piper and her friends vow to protect their families and town from these rebels [too bland. If they're dangerous, say so]. But her instructor, a man she’s fallen in love with, reveals he’s a spy for the Resistance and how all three are connected [too vague]: the Resistance, the government and the truth of what really happened to the Others. [I think you need to spell out how they are connected -- the government invited the Others to destroy Earth so it could better control the population -- or whatever the conspiracy is ]. He asks her to join and fight against the government control.[there's no reason for her to do this unless you tell us why the government is bad. Just because the rebels believe it, doesn't mean it's true. The rebels could be lying, too, and in such situations IRL, often do.]

 

Now Piper has to choose: if she says no to the man she loves, she’ll lose him and stay a slave to the government [spell out what's so bad about the government. Only people who've never lived WITHOUT a government assume it's a great fun thing with free money and no curfews. ;)). If she says yes and joins the Resistance, she’ll help start another war, and orchestrate the return of the Others.

 

BLACK STARS FALLING is a YA sci-fi complete at 93,000 words. It is a standalone with potential series.

It's getting there. But I do think there's too much back story and you need to spell out what is bad about the government. I have what I"m hoping is a final (for now) revision up, if you can take a look. Thanks for your input. It really helped.






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