Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

First 250 words of my manuscript - I critique back


  • Please log in to reply
2 replies to this topic

#1 pigeononthemoon

pigeononthemoon

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAsia

Posted 11 January 2018 - 01:11 AM

Chapter One

 

My mother and sisters were outside, a quartet of redheads inattentively guarding my boxes of tripods, camera cases, and Bowie records. My mom was adjusting her sun hat; my littlest sister Angie had ice cream dripping off the tip of her nose. It was a bright hot day in late summer, and almost all of my favorite people were here to help me set up my dorm. I should not have felt like I was at a funeral.

 

“And lover boy comes back again.”

 

Ansel was leaning against my door like he’d appeared from thin air. He had a few more piercings than he’d had last May, and his pants looked like two separate accordions eating his legs, but I was relieved to see that he hadn’t drunkenly gotten a face tattoo or lost any limbs during summer break. You never really knew with Ansel.

 

“Hey, man.” I cringed, sounding bleak even to my own ears.

 

“Still got it, I see.” He pointed to my wrist.

 

The world’s most threadbare bracelet was attached to my wrist. I’d grown too big for the bracelet a few years ago, so I’d had to lengthen the braided hemp with a few safety pins.

 

I pressed it to my lips. “I never change, do I?”

 

“Like a sad old dog waiting for its master,” Ansel agreed happily. “What’d you do this summer?”

 

Took pictures. Helped my mom run her summer camp. Thought about Will. Wrestled with my old high school friends. Thought about Will. Taught the summer camp kids how to make spaghetti. Saw Will at a grocery store when I was collecting ingredients for aforementioned spaghetti.



#2 rhwashere

rhwashere

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 53 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 January 2018 - 03:01 PM

I like the voice and the imagery you have here. I'm curious as to who Will is, which would keep me reading (though I don't know why the MC is called lover boy; maybe that would be answered later). 

 

The only concern I have is that (according to what I've read) your first chapter should be more intense with either action or drama, and sparse on description (unless it is important to what's happening). I don't know how true that advice is, though, considering every "expert" seems to have a different opinion.

 

I say try what you have here and see if any agents bite. If not, maybe try to spice things up a bit.


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/


#3 pigeononthemoon

pigeononthemoon

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAsia

Posted 11 January 2018 - 08:42 PM

Thank you so much! I really appreciate that advice.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users