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Fyreheart - YA Fantasy Query

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#21 Nessa

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 11:57 PM

 

[NOTE: REVAMP #3]

Dear Agent,

 

Rebekah has always loved fire. She loves the flickering colors, its warmth in her palms, and its sense of being alive​[Delete this sentence and stick to the details of the plot.]. When an unexplained fire engulfs her home and her family’s bodies are discovered among the ashes, everyone assumes that it is Rebekah’s fault​[The first sentence should establish that she's known for playing with fire so that it makes sense when she is blamed. Otherwise, you're leaving a gap for the reader to fill.]. The 10-year-old swears she is innocent, and instead claims that ‘Black Dogs’, huge dogs made of shadows, are the guilty ones. Without any living relatives and believed to be insane, and the girl is ​[Avoid epithets. Once you establish a name, use it. Otherwise it will sound off balance.]locked away in the St. Helene’s Psychiatric Hospital; in which her only way of achieving freedom is reaching her 18th birthday.​(This story takes place when she's 18, right? You should focus less on what happened when she's 10 and more on what happens in real time. As is, it sounds like you're pitching a book w/ a 10-year-old protagonist.]

 

After Rebekah accidentally releases a power she didn’t even she possessed​[How? Is she attacked? Does she have a nightmare that triggers her powers?], a mysterious man by the name of Christoffer arrives at the hospital, claiming he has answers to all her questions. Revealing to Rebekah that he believes she can harness the raw, magical energy in the world, and bend it to her will; ​[Semi-colon doesn't fit.]he offers to take her a college of magic, where she can receive a rigorous education and perfect her gift.​[I'm still looking for a hook. So far, this sounds too similar to other "discovers a power and is given a mentor" stories.]

Entering an extraordinary new world​[Too vague. It's an extraordinary world, but what is it?], Rebekah is surprised to find herself feeling more at ease and apart of it; rather than the mundane world she grew up in.​[Semi-colon is used incorrectly, and the second half of the sentence doesn't make sense. This is also vague. Queries should be specific.] On the grounds of Avalon University for Advanced Sorcery, Rebekah must balance her studies, uncover the dark shadows of her past; and fight to prevent herself from falling for the forbidden Christoffer.​[What are the stakes?]

 

Complete at 80,000 words, THE SOURCE OF MAGIC is a NA ​[NA is a dead genre in traditional publishing. It had its 15 minutes of fame. It's also typically used for romance-heavy stories about college-aged protagonists. You might want to go with Adult.]Fantasy standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to fans who favor strong, yet morally complex ​["Strong and morally-complex"]heroines such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Buffy Summers; ​[Semi-colons link two independent clauses that are related. Think of two sentences that are very related to each other. Each half of the semi-colon should be able to stand alone as a sentence.]but set in a realistic, and mature setting such as Lev Grossman’s The Magicians Trilogy.​[If you include a TV show as a comp, you'll also want two book titles.] Originally posted on online community Wattpad, it currently has almost 10,000 reads​[This is a problem. You've already published the book, and your reads aren't impressive enough to mention. I think 500,000+ reads was the suggestion from Suzie Townsend on her Tumblr blog. Many agents will automatically reject anything that is already published. Your best bet is to pitch a completely different project. That might mean completely rewriting this story so it doesn't resemble the one published online.].[Considering leaving this last sentence out, as it doesn't have like millions upon millions of reads.... On the site I have almost 9k followers... so should I add that or leave it out?]

 

Below, are the first ten pages of the manuscript, and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 


I love dogs


#22 darsenault

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 03:12 AM

I won't run through Ver. 3 since several others beat me to it, but I do want to weigh in on the Wattpad issue.

If you have hopes of publishing this traditionally, you should remove it from Wattpad RIGHT NOW.

 

I'm not an authority on the subject, but I've researched it several times myself, and if you've posted anything more than the first chapter or two of your story online, a lot of publishers won't touch your work at all. You still need to be upfront about this in the query, so that you can find a publisher who is okay with it, but advertising the number of people who have seen it is points against you, not in your favor. 

 

And now, a few general notes on your latest draft:

 

  1. Start with the event that causes her to unleash her power in the hospital. Burning down her family's home is backstory.
  2. She goes to Avalon and falls for her mentor, but that's not a story. What conflict is she facing? What choice does she have to make? What are the stakes that surround that choice (If she does A, she'll suffer this way, If she does B, she'll suffer that way).
  3. You've cut out a LOT of the fluff, and that's great, but you've got more to cut, and then you have to give us the interesting parts. Her "mysterious past" is probably where the good stuff lurks- the dangers, the challenges, the threats. Drag that out of the shadows and put it on display. Be specific!

 

I also saw you asking people for suggestions on good comp titles, and I think you're missing the point. We all told you to take out the ones you had because they're unnecessary, not because you had the wrong ones. Comp titles are a good way to say, "I can't describe my story, so here's something else you like." 

But your story is interesting. Let it stand on its own.

 

Good luck with revision four!



#23 Springfield

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 08:39 AM

I don't think comps are unnecessary -- plenty of agents ask for comps outright. I said the OP had bad comps. I don't think it's terrible to not have them, but I'd put them, personally. However, I'd suggest two books from within the past few years in the same category and genre, as is standard.



#24 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 12:07 PM

REVAMP #4
 
[NOTE: Significant changes made! I have been hard at work and changed a LOT of things. 
 
For starters: Rebekah is now Renée, which now that I think about it ties in more with her story as Renée means “renewal/rebirth” and I’m all about symbolism in my books. The book is going to be taken down from Wattpad, and it won’t take me long to make changes. I wrote the book in less than a month, so it should take me equally as long to change things. By the time I’m done, it will be a completely different story. 
 
Secondly: I took out the comp titles. I was considering adding “it will appear to fans who favor strong and morally-complex heroines, and set in colorful cities such as San Francisco”, where it takes place.
 
Thirdly: I feel a bit nervous about not having any writing background on here… should I mention that I am in college to get my B.A. in psychology? Or leave that all together? Do agents favor “green” authors that they can help mold, or like ones with background? I’m not 100% green, as I’ve been on Wattpad for a while and have a loyal following.
 
Fourthly: The title. I really do love The Source of Magic, but should I change it?
 
Lastly: It's much, much shorter, I'm surprised how short it is now, but I know that you only have a limited about of time to gain a Agent's attention. Anyway, I hope this version works better :D]
 
Dear Agent,
At 10 years old, pyromaniac Renée is falsely accused of killing her family and locked away in St. Helene’s Psychiatric Hospital. The only light she has comes in the form of Ranarae, a talking dragon only she can see. Now 18, Renée finally has a chance of freedom. However, her bright future is darkened after witnessing the murder of hospital patient, and to flee from the murderer’s, accidentally releases a power she didn’t even she possessed.
 
Shaken by what she has done, she is surprised when a mysterious man by the name of Christoffer arrives at the hospital, claiming he has answers to all her questions. Revealing to Renée that he believes she can harness the raw, magical energy in the world, and bend it to her will. Warning her that others will come desiring to use her for their own gain, he offers to take her a college of magic, where she can receive a rigorous education and perfect her gift.
 
Entering an extraordinary new world filled with Druyds, Familiars, royalty and forbidden fruit; Renée is surprised to find herself easily adapting to this new world, rather than the mundane one she grew up in. On the grounds of Avalon University for Advanced Sorcery, she quickly realizes that this bright new world, isn’t so bright after all. The whimsical creatures only look whimsical, poison can easily be disguised as a sweet drink, and magic, above all things, always comes with a price.
 
Complete at 80,000 words, THE SOURCE OF MAGIC is a YA Fantasy standalone novel with series potential.
 
Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.


#25 Ajax

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 12:39 PM

So I just found this story on Wattpad. It seems like a lot of it is already out for the readers. I'd suggest you to take the entry down from Wattpad. It's unacceptable in traditional publishing because if you have Wattpad, why would you need a publisher? 



#26 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 12:42 PM

So I just found this story on Wattpad. It seems like a lot of it is already out for the readers. I'd suggest you to take the entry down from Wattpad. It's unacceptable in traditional publishing because if you have Wattpad, why would you need a publisher?


I am going to take it down, and I wasn't going to leave it up if I got published. I've read the non competition rule Amazon, Barns and Noble and other sites have. Originally I was going to self publish, but when I saw my fav agents were open for submissions I was gonna submit to them first.

#27 Springfield

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 12:57 PM

 

REVAMP #4
 
[NOTE: Significant changes made! I have been hard at work and changed a LOT of things. 
 
For starters: Rebekah is now Renée, which now that I think about it ties in more with her story as Renée means “renewal/rebirth” and I’m all about symbolism in my books. The book is going to be taken down from Wattpad, and it won’t take me long to make changes. I wrote the book in less than a month, so it should take me equally as long to change things. By the time I’m done, it will be a completely different story. 
Changing a character's name and some details aren't enough to mean it wasn't published, just so you understand. 
 
Secondly: I took out the comp titles. I was considering adding “it will appear to fans who favor strong and morally-complex heroines, and set in colorful cities such as San Francisco”, where it takes place. I would really not do that. I'd advise comps, but if you don't want to, then do nothing in that space. 
 
Thirdly: I feel a bit nervous about not having any writing background on here… should I mention that I am in college to get my B.A. in psychology? Or leave that all together? Do agents favor “green” authors that they can help mold, or like ones with background? I’m not 100% green, as I’ve been on Wattpad for a while and have a loyal following. Generally it's credits or relevant background (if you're writing about a psych hospital and are a psychiatrist who works in a psych hospital), or just leave it blank.
 
Fourthly: The title. I really do love The Source of Magic, but should I change it? You know that's the title of a fairly famous work, right? I mean it doesn't matter particularly, as titles are just placeholders, but I thought it was a bit odd from the get-go.
 
Lastly: It's much, much shorter, I'm surprised how short it is now, but I know that you only have a limited about of time to gain a Agent's attention. Anyway, I hope this version works better :D] Shorter is better/
 
Dear Agent,
At 10 years old, pyromaniac Renée is falsely accused of killing her family and locked away in St. Helene’s Psychiatric Hospital.You know this still makes no sense, right? The only light she has comes in the form of Ranarae, a talking dragon only she can see. Now 18, Renée finally has a chance of freedom. at -- why? However, her bright future What bright future?  is darkened after witnessing the murder of hospital patient, and to flee from the murderer’s, accidentally releases a power she didn’t even she possessed. I think there are words missing from this -- or something, I've no idea what you mean to say here.
 
Shaken by what she has done,You don't say what that is.  she is surprised when a mysterious man by the name of Christoffer arrives at the hospital, claiming he has answers to all her questions. Revealing to Renée that he believes she can harness the raw, magical energy in the world, and bend it to her will. This isn't a sentence.  Warning her that others will come desiring to use her for their own gain, he offers to take her a college of magic, where she can receive a rigorous education and perfect her gift.
 
Entering an extraordinary new world filled with Druyds, Familiars, royalty and forbidden fruit; That's not how to use semicolons. Renée is surprised to find herself easily adapting to this new world, rather than the mundane one she grew up in. The mundane one.... of the psychiatric hospital? On the grounds of Avalon University for Advanced Sorcery, she quickly realizes that this bright new world, isn’t so bright after all. The whimsical creatures only look whimsical, poison can easily be disguised as a sweet drink, and magic, above all things, always comes with a price. Again, this reads like where your query STARTS -- it also sounds very 'Harry Potter but a girl.'
 
Complete at 80,000 words, THE SOURCE OF MAGIC is a YA Fantasy standalone novel with series potential.
 
Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 



#28 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 08:21 PM

REVAMP #5

Dear Agent,

 

Pyromaniac Renée is a girl on a run. The only survivor of a mysterious fire that engulfed her home 10 years ago, the now 18-year-old Renée spends most of her time hiding from police and sleeping in trees of Central Park. Her only friend in the world comes in the form of Ranarae, a talking dragon only Renée can see. Not wishing to become the stereotypical homeless orphan, Renée as dreams as numerous as the stars. But without money or even a family name her future seems dark.

 

 

However, her dreams are forced to be placed on hold after she witnesses the murder of an innocent homeless child. After she is seen by the Murderer’s, in her attempt to flee Renée accidentally releases a power she didn’t even she possessed, killing them. Shaken by what she has done, she is surprised by the sudden appearance of a man named Christoffer. Impressed by her raw talent, he offers to take her a college of magic, where she can receive a rigorous education and perfect her gift.

 

Entering an extraordinary new world filled with Druyds, Familiars, royalty and forbidden fruit; Renée is surprised to find herself easily adapting to this new world, rather than the mundane one she grew up in. On the grounds of Avalon University for Advanced Sorcery, she quickly realizes that this bright new world, isn’t so bright after all. The whimsical creatures only look whimsical, poison can easily be disguised as a sweet drink, and magic, above all things, always comes with a price.

 

Complete at 80,000 words, The Fyreheart is a YA Fantasy standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to readers who favor strong and morally-complex heroines, and placed within a realistic and mature world.

 

Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#29 Kelz1990

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 08:42 PM

 

[NOTE: REVAMP #3]

Dear Agent,

 

Rebekah has always loved fire. She loves the flickering colors, its warmth in her palms, and its sense of being alive. When an unexplained fire engulfs her home and her family’s bodies are discovered among the ashes, everyone assumes that it is Rebekah’s fault. The 10-year-old swears she is innocent, and instead claims that ‘Black Dogs,’, (put the comma inside the quotation) huge dogs made of shadows, are the guilty ones. Without any living relatives and believed to be insane, and the girl Without any living relatives to stand up for her, Rebekah is believed to be insane and is locked away in the St. Helene’s Psychiatric Hospital; (no semicolon, just a comma) in which her only way of achieving freedom is reaching her 18th birthday. 

 

After Rebekah accidentally releases a power she didn’t even know she possessed, a mysterious man by the name of named Christoffer arrives at the hospital, claiming he has the answers to all her questions. Revealing to Rebekah that he believes she can harness the raw, magical energy in the world, and bend it to her will; (once again, use a comma here in place of a semicolon) he offers to take her  to enroll her into a college of magic, where she can receive a rigorous education and perfect her gift.

 

(new paragraph) Entering an extraordinary new world, Rebekah is surprised to find herself feeling more at ease and apart of it; (What is with the use of semicolons where commas are supposed to go? As you can already tell, I'm a bit of a "Grammar Nazi.") rather than the mundane world she grew up in. On the grounds of Avalon University for Advanced Sorcery, Rebekah must balance her studies, uncover the dark shadows of her past; (for the final time, comma here) and fight to prevent herself from falling for the forbidden Christoffer. (Why would she need to prevent herself from falling for him? What is it about Christoffer that would make him so antagonistic? I feel like this should've been mentioned in an earlier paragraph). 

 

Complete at 80,000 words, THE SOURCE OF MAGIC is a NA (It can still be YA if she's 18 - besides, NA's no longer a thing, unless you're willing to submit to small publishing companies unagented) Fantasy standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to fans who favor strong, yet morally complex heroines such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Buffy Summers; but set in a realistic, (in this case, you can remove the comma) and mature setting such as Lev Grossman’s The Magicians Trilogy. Not good comp titles, mainly because 1) Buffy's a blockbuster title, which can throw agents off when querying, and 2) books that are part of a series or trilogy shouldn't be included when querying for one book, even if it's a stand alone with series potential. That being said, I wouldn't use comp titles unless the agent specifically requires them, and even then, your comp titles should be limited to books that do really well on the shelves, but not enough to be household names. Originally posted on the online community Wattpad, it currently has almost 10,000 reads.[Considering leaving this last sentence out, as it doesn't have like millions upon millions of reads.... On the site I have almost 9k followers... so should I add that or leave it out?] (Absolutely keep this sentence - agents will want to know if it's been posted on Wattpad, or even been a finalist for a writing contest.

 

Below, (take out the comma here) are the first ten pages of the manuscript, and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Interesting concept, but this query still needs a lot of work. It'll take time, as I too am in the process of revising my *very terrible* query letter.  :happy:



#30 Ajax

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 11:25 PM

 

REVAMP #5

Dear Agent,

 

Pyromaniac Renée is a girl on a run. (Why?) The only survivor of a mysterious fire that engulfed her home 10 years ago, the now 18-year-old Renée spends most of her time hiding from police (Why is she hiding from the police? They are the only ones who could help her!) and sleeping in trees of Central Park. Her only friend in the world comes in the form of Ranarae, a talking dragon only Renée can see. Not wishing to become the stereotypical homeless orphan, (What are you implying here? Also, the statement is problematic.) Renée (H)as dreams as numerous as the stars. But without money or even a family name her future seems dark. (It's her fault. If she's not going to the police or the social services, she's never going to have money or a family. Her logic makes no sense to me.)
(So a homeless girl has a friend in a talking dragon? This sounds banal as the hook. Where's the tension and your protagonist's key motive? So far this reads like MG fantasy.)

 

(Press delete.)

However, her dreams are forced to be placed on hold after she witnesses the murder of an innocent homeless child. After she is seen by the Murderer’s, (Why is the first alphabet uppercased? Also, seen by the Murderer's what? Why are you using a possessive here?) in her attempt to flee Renée accidentally releases a power she didn’t even (KNOW) she possessed,  killing them. Shaken by what she has done, she is surprised by the sudden appearance of a man named Christoffer. Impressed by her raw talent, he offers to take her (TO) a college of magic, where she can receive a rigorous education and perfect her gift. (The plot begins here. Everything before this is filler in the context of the query.) 

 

Entering an extraordinary new world (Why did Renée agree to take the stranger's offer in the first place?!) filled with Druyds, Familiars, royalty and forbidden fruit; Renée is surprised to find herself easily adapting to this new world, rather than the mundane one she grew up in. On the grounds of Avalon University for Advanced Sorcery, she quickly realizes that this bright new world, isn’t so bright after all. The whimsical creatures only look whimsical, poison can easily be disguised as a sweet drink, and magic, above all things, always comes with a price. (This is so vague. You didn't tell me anything about the stakes.) 

 

Complete at 80,000 words, The Fyreheart is a YA Fantasy standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to readers who favor strong and morally-complex heroines, and placed within a realistic and mature world.

 

Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

The plot here is that a girl takes the offer from a stranger and attends a school for magical creatures. This sounds like Harry Potter. Make sure to highlight what makes your narrative unique. 

Also, there's barely any plot. The stakes are missing. I don't know anything about the protagonist's personality. Who are the bad guys? 

 

You should proofread your query multiple times before submitting. There are words missing here. It will not be taken lightly by the agent if you have multiple typos. This just shows that your actual manuscript is unpolished. 

I'd suggest you to read a dozen of successful queries on the Writer's Digest website before your next revision. 

Keep revising. 



#31 Springfield

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Posted 13 January 2018 - 11:39 PM

 

REVAMP #5

Dear Agent,

 

Pyromaniac Renée is a girl on a run. The only survivor of a mysterious fire that engulfed her home 10 years ago, the now 18-year-old Renée spends most of her time hiding from police and sleeping in trees of Central Park. Her only friend in the world comes in the form of Ranarae, a talking dragon only Renée can see. Not wishing to become the stereotypical homeless orphan, Renée as dreams as numerous as the stars. But without money or even a family name her future seems dark.

 

 

However, her dreams are forced to be placed on hold after she witnesses the murder of an innocent homeless child. After she is seen by the Murderer’s, in her attempt to flee Renée accidentally releases a power she didn’t even she possessed, killing them. Shaken by what she has done, she is surprised by the sudden appearance of a man named Christoffer. Impressed by her raw talent, he offers to take her a college of magic, where she can receive a rigorous education and perfect her gift.

 

Entering an extraordinary new world filled with Druyds, Familiars, royalty and forbidden fruit; Renée is surprised to find herself easily adapting to this new world, rather than the mundane one she grew up in. On the grounds of Avalon University for Advanced Sorcery, she quickly realizes that this bright new world, isn’t so bright after all. The whimsical creatures only look whimsical, poison can easily be disguised as a sweet drink, and magic, above all things, always comes with a price.

 

Complete at 80,000 words, The Fyreheart is a YA Fantasy standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to readers who favor strong and morally-complex heroines, and placed within a realistic and mature world.

 

Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

I kind of give -- I'm saying this because I don't want you to burn through agents you might have had a chance with otherwise: I don't think you're near ready to think about querying. If you're using the query-writing process to think through revamping your book, that's totally fine, just say so. However, the problems with the grammar and punctuation, combined with the clearly unfinished nature of the manuscript, and that it seems you don't see the basic problems with the query that several posters have pointed out make me think this isn't close to query-ready. 

 

I'd suggest taking a step back, working on the ms., thinking about the plot, working on it, then polishing it really well, before considering sending anything out at all. Again, if you want to use the query to help think about how to fix the plot issues, that's a thing people do, just say so.

 

I mean or you can continue on in this vein, I'm just expressing an opinion, up to you.



#32 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 08:41 AM

I kind of give -- I'm saying this because I don't want you to burn through agents you might have had a chance with otherwise: I don't think you're near ready to think about querying. If you're using the query-writing process to think through revamping your book, that's totally fine, just say so. However, the problems with the grammar and punctuation, combined with the clearly unfinished nature of the manuscript, and that it seems you don't see the basic problems with the query that several posters have pointed out make me think this isn't close to query-ready.

I'd suggest taking a step back, working on the ms., thinking about the plot, working on it, then polishing it really well, before considering sending anything out at all. Again, if you want to use the query to help think about how to fix the plot issues, that's a thing people do, just say so.

I mean or you can continue on in this vein, I'm just expressing an opinion, up to you.


It's a mixture of what you are saying. The book is already planned out (I plot out everything before I write, make character files, plan important plots, the like) and it's ready to begin revamping. Most of the old story is gone, as in changing it 100% to make it differant from the orgional story on Wattpad.

That being said, I have been working on trying to get my query letter finished, so I can just finish working on the MS which will only take me like a month to finish, I write really fast and can push 2.5k words a day if I'm left alone to do nothing but write.

Listening to your original notes that it didn't make sense for her to be in a mental hospital, her being homeless and a orphan is more realistic.

What I'm really afraid of, is revealing too much. Every time I sit down to revamp it, an important plot idea comes up, and I wanna write it but I convenice myself I shouldn't as it would be giving too much away.

Also, the reason why some words are missing or slightly spelt wrong, is because I have dyslexia. Before it send my MS in, I would have it edited. Going to cost me a pretty penny, but it would be worth it.

#33 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 07:20 PM

REVAMP #6

 

Dear Agent,

18-year-old pyromaniac Renée is a freak, at least that’s what she’s always been told. Homeless since the age of 10, the white-haired teenager normally spends her time hiding from police and sleeping in the trees of Golden Gate Park. Caught bearing witness to a murder, Renée accidentally releases a power she didn’t even know she possessed fleeing from the murderers, killing them. Horrified by what she has done, yet knowing she cannot go to the police, Renée is at a loss for what to do until the sudden appearance of a man named Christoffer. Impressed by her raw talent he offers to take her to a college of magic, where she can receive a rigorous education and perfect her gift.

 

Hungry for answers and not having anywhere else to go, Renée enters an extraordinary new world filled with Druyds, Familiars, royalty and forbidden fruit. Once there, she is surprised to find herself easily adapting to this new world, and quickly begins to forget about the mundane one she grew up in. However, she quickly realizes that this bright new world, isn’t so bright after all. The whimsical creatures only look whimsical, poison can easily be disguised as a sweet drink, and magic, above all things, always comes with a price.

 

Complete at 80,000 words, The Fyreheart is a YA Fantasy standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to readers who favor strong and morally-complex heroines, and placed within a realistic and mature world.

 

Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#34 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 09:46 AM

REVAMP #7

Dear Agent,

 

18-year-old pyromaniac Renée is on the run. A person of interest in a mysterious fire 10 years ago, the white-haired teenager is forced to spend her time hiding from police and sleeping in the trees of Central Park. When homeless children begin to vanish, and the police choose to ignore it, Renée decides to take the law in her own hands after one of her friends disappears.

 

 

However, the situation quickly spirals out of control as Renée finds herself marked as the next victim. Terrified and frantic for escape, she unleashes a power she didn’t even know she possessed, and accidently kills her attackers. Stunned and horrified by what she has done, yet knowing she cannot go to the police, Renée is at a loss for what to do. That is, until Christoffer Henriksen appears under her tree. Attracted by the ripple of power she unleashed, he comes with a proposition.

 

Hungry for answers and not having anywhere else to go, Renée enters an extraordinary new world filled with Druyds, Familiars, royalty and forbidden fruit. However, she quickly realizes that this bright new world, isn’t so bright after all. The whimsical creatures only look whimsical, poison can easily be disguised as a sweet drink, and magic, above all things, always comes with a price.

 

Complete at 80,000 words, The Fyreheart is a YA Fantasy standalone novel with series potential.

 

Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#35 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 09:49 AM

REVAMP #8

 

Dear [INSERT NAME HERE],

 

Renée McArthur believes that it is a joke with an unknown man with a bear appears under her sleeping tree in Central Park and tells her that she’s a Sorceress. Like everyone else, the seventeen-year-old assumes magic isn’t real; but then again how could she explain Ranarae, the talking dragon only she could see?

 

Hungry for answers, Renée finds herself boarding a plane and whisked away to a very secretive and exclusive college of magic in San Francisco. Though she is tempted to indulge in pleasures of college, Renée quickly realizes that this bright new world, isn’t so bright after all. The whimsical creatures only look whimsical, poison can easily be disguised as a sweet drink, and magic, above all things, always comes with a price.

 

Complete at 80,000 words, The Fyreheart is a YA Fantasy standalone novel with series potential.

 

Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.



#36 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 02:02 PM

REVAMP #9
Dear [INSERT NAME HERE],
 
Seventeen-year-old pyromaniac Rhianaye Richards believes that it is a joke when an unknown man with a bear appears under her sleeping tree in Central Park, and tells her that she’s a Sorceress. 
 
Like everyone else the seventeen-year-old assumes magic isn’t real, but when she witnesses a dog made of darkness consume a girl whole, Rhianaye quickly becomes a believer.
 
Accepting the offer and whisked away to a world beyond her dreams, Rhianaye can’t resist the temptation to indulge in all the pleasures of her new home; but she quickly realizes that spells and potions aren’t the only lessons she must learn. From whimsical creatures that can tear her throat out, to poison can be disguised as anything; everything is revealed to have a price. 
 
When children begin to go missing and the pattern seems familiar, Rhianaye is forced to confront the dark shadows of her past to save the children, even if it means revealing her deepest secrets.
 
Complete at 80,000 words, The Fyreheart is a young adult fantasy standalone novel with series potential. Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
XXXX


#37 Nessa

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Posted 08 February 2018 - 04:47 PM



 

REVAMP #9
Dear [INSERT NAME HERE],
 
Seventeen-year-old pyromaniac Rhianaye Richards believes that it is a joke when an unknown man with a bear appears under her sleeping tree in Central Park, and tells her that she’s a Sorceress. ​[The sentence flow is choppy, especially with "believes that it is a joke." "Unknown man" can be "strange man" or "stranger." I question what a sleeping tree is, and wonder if she's homeless or just taking a break from schoolwork.]
 
Like everyone else the seventeen-year-old ​[Once a character is named, stick to their name.]assumes magic isn’t real, but when she witnesses a dog made of darkness consume a girl whole, Rhianaye quickly becomes a believer.​[She didn't believe the stranger until this happened? Make that clearer.]
 
Accepting the offer and whisked away to a world beyond her dreams,​[I don't know what the offer is, and "world beyond her dreams" is a cliché and too vague.] Rhianaye can’t resist the temptation to indulge in all the pleasures of her new home​[I don't know what her new home is, why she's accepted it, or what this home looks like.]; but she quickly realizes that spells and potions aren’t the only lessons she must learn. ​[There's not enough of a lead into her lessons.]From whimsical creatures that can tear her throat out, to poison can be disguised as anything; everything is revealed to have a price. ​[Semi-colon used incorrectly. The key idea is a bit vague. Suddenly there are creatures to kill-- I'm not sure what kind of world we're looking at.]
 
When children begin to go missing and the pattern seems familiar​[Was something suspicious going on before the kids started disappearing? You need to build up to this. The previous paragraph doesn't really hint at an overarching evil or antagonist.], Rhianaye is forced to confront the dark shadows of her past to save the children,​[There's no lead up to her having a dark past. She just seems like an everyday girl who falls into an adventure.] even if it means revealing her deepest secrets.​[There's also no lead up to this.]
 
Complete at 80,000 words, The Fyreheart is a young adult fantasy standalone novel with series potential​[Stick to "THE FYREHEART, a YA fantasy, is complete at 80,000 words." Don't mention series potential.]Below are the first ten pages of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
XXXX

 


I love dogs


#38 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 16 March 2018 - 07:18 PM

[REVAMP #10]

Dear Agent,

 

Rhianaye Humphry has had her fair share of misfortune. Ever since that horrifying night ten years ago as she watched her family home burn in a mysterious fire, she has lived on he streets of New York, surviving by her wits and trying to stay one step ahead of the police who desire to question her about that night.

 

One day her friend goes missing, and in her attempt to find out what happened, Rhianaye is caught and horrified find out that she’s to be sacrificed to a monstrous creature. Just before the killing blow could be delivered, she’s shocked when she accidentally summons Ranarae, a dragon she used to talk too in her youth, but dragons aren’t real—right?

 

No, in fact the complete opposite is true. Magic is real, everything happens for a reason, and the fire that claimed the lives of her family wasn’t an accident in the slightest. Hungry for answers, her search takes her from the urban jungles of New York, to the magical underworld of San Francisco, to a secret college that might have the answers she needs.

 

When the murders resume in her new home, Rhianaye swears to bring the true murderers to justice, but how can she do this when the price to stop them might be her own humanity?

 

THE FYREHEART is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words. Below are the 10 of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

XXXX



#39 kleblanc13

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 02:21 PM

 

[REVAMP #10]

Dear Agent,

 

Rhianaye Humphry has had her fair share of misfortune. Ever since that horrifying night ten years ago as she watched her family home burn in a mysterious fire, she has lived on the streets of New York, surviving by her wits and trying to stay one step ahead of the police who desire wish to question her about that night.

 

One day her friend goes missing, and in her attempt to find out what happened, Rhianaye is caught (by who? --if you don't wish to say, I would use a word like captured instead of caught) and horrified to find out that she’s to be sacrificed to a monstrous creature. (very vague description of the creature. More details about what type of creature / what makes them monstrous would be nice) Just before the killing blow could be delivered, she’s shocked when she accidentally summons Ranarae, a dragon she used to talk too in her youth, but dragons aren’t real—right?

 

No, in fact the complete opposite is true. Magic is real, everything happens for a reason, and the fire that claimed the lives of her family wasn’t an accident in the slightest. Hungry for answers, her search takes her from the urban jungles of New York, to the magical underworld of San Francisco, to a secret college that might have the answers she needs.

 

When the murders resume in her new home, Rhianaye swears to bring the true murderers to justice, but how can she do this when the price to stop them might be her own humanity?

 

THE FYREHEART is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words. Below are the 10 (what? did you mean to write first ten pages?) of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

XXXX

 

Very intriguing story synopsis! Best of luck with everything :)



#40 SnowFox23

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 03:07 AM

Rhianaye Humphry has had her fair share of misfortune. Ever since that horrifying night ten years ago when Rhianaye Humpry  watched her family home burn in a mysterious fire, she has lived on he streets of New York, surviving by her wits and trying to stay one step ahead of the police who desire to question her about that night. The very first sentence adds no urgency. I definitely recommend cutting it, because it sounds super duper cool and enticing now.

 

One day her friend goes missing, and in her attempt to find out what happened, Rhianaye is caught by whom? and horrified to find out that she’s to be sacrificed to a monstrous creature. Just before the killing blow could be delivered, she’s shocked when she accidentally summons Ranarae, a dragon she used to talk too in her youth, but dragons aren’t real—right? Cool.

 

No, in fact the complete opposite is true.   That sentence is a bit redundant because if a dragon shows up, then we can guess that they are real.

Magic is real, everything happens for a reason, eh, this is a bit 'telly', not 'showy'.

and the fire that claimed the lives of her family wasn’t an accident in the slightest. definitely cool, but you need a way to rearrange this last paragraph. Hungry for answers, her search takes her from the urban jungles of New York, to the magical underworld of San Francisco, to a secret college that might have the answers she needs.

 

When the murders resume in her new home, Rhianaye swears to bring the true murderers to justice, but how can she do this when the price to stop them might be her own humanity? how will it cost her her humanity?

 

Oh darn it. This story has cool stuff all over it, but you're not quite selling it to me. You lost me in that last paragraph, but I can tell the story is a good one.

Clean up the personal stakes and it will definitely fare better.

 

THE FYREHEART cool title is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words. Below are the 10 of the manuscript and my contact information. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Could you check out my query when you get a chance, it's driving me nuts. Cheers and good luck!







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