Jack Kenning spent years with his friend Anna trying to discover the secret behind his ability to persuade anyone of anything. [As a hook, this doesn't grab me... was there some inciting event that led him on that journey? I.e. After convincing ISIS to lay down their weapons, Jack Kenning and his friend Anna spent years searching for the secret behind his god-like powers of persuasion.] [And why doesn't Anna get a last name?]
Years later, Anna sends a time-stopping vagabond to recruit Jack to bring "Talented" people to Anna at the Grand Canyon. [This sounds like the causal event. When a time-stopping vagabond shows up at Jack Kenning's door, the used car salesman has to drop everything to bring "Talented" people to the Grand Canyon.]
cross the United States to fulfill Anna's latest plan.
Fearing for Jack's memory, he's provided little information on what that plan entails. [This sentence provides no new information]
All he knows is that his ability is a remnant of magic known as Talent, [He can't Know this - memory loss! - this is something that's Told to him. This difference is not as trivial as it sounds] and that his full abilities can be restored if he can bring enough of the Talented to Anna at the Grand Canyon. [Hmmm... suggest delivering story tone and concrete examples: All that the grungy time traveler will tell Jack is that the plan was something that Jack planned before his memory was wiped. And that Jack can thank a remnant of magic known as Talent for his ability to persuade people that used VW bugs are modern Teslas.]
As Jack gathers the Talented to bring them to Anna, the group discovers that the force which took magic from the world can affect them from afar. [wordy, vague, and ... obvious. The most common advantage of most magic is to cause 'an effect' at a distance. Which means you're not really telling us anything new, interesting, or concrete. Like maybe... As Jack gathers the Talented, the magic-draining force causes them headaches.]
Their powers grow unpredictable, and the headaches which warn them that they may lose their memories grow worse. If Jack continues to pursue magic, he may lose his mind once more, but if he cannot learn to control his abilities,
the side-effects of his lies may cost lives. [What lies? You've not mentioned him lying to anyone, only being really good at persuasion... I suppose that persuasion could be a form of lying - but the most persuasive people are usually good at selective truth-telling. Just saying...]
When one of those lies causes a town to burst into flames, Jack must decide how much risk magic is worth. [Um... did he convince them that their houses were fireproof? Playing aloof in a query doesn't come across as compelling, it's often off-putting or confusing.]
(Redundant in the original)
Ok... Slow down. Unless you write it in the query, we've no idea what you're talking about. Is your central plot about the consequences of lying, or about Jack and Anna confronting the force that drains magic from the world? It sounds like the draining magic thing, and that lying is a complication. Great! Just provide a couple concrete examples to show that Jack's persuasion relies on lies and that saving magic will have deadly consequences.
Hope that helps!
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