Thanks for your reply Darsenault. I guess I am having trouble trying to convey what is going on in my story. In brief, travelling the world in search of death is Velho's norm. Along comes Brooklyn who needs him to help her find the city. Over time she does cause a character arc in Velho which is important because his goals change with his arc. First it is death, then at the hook point when his enemy turns up, it is to kill her, but when Brooklyn is captured, at the moment of realization that there is something to live for, it is to rescue her and take her to Elemain.
So I guess my problem is I'm not sure how to focus it on one part of the story. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated
I've got good news- you understand your story well enough that this is pretty easy to work through. I'll try to give you some barebones- the sentences won't be pretty, but you can do that once the structure makes sense.
Every good story starts with a status quo which presumably is broken in chapter one. You status quo just happens to be unusual, and your query focused pretty hard on that. Instead, let's start there, and break it right away.
"The only thing the bounty-hunter, Velho, wants from his immortality any longer is a release, but when a twelve year old named Brooklyn presents him with the opportunity to discover the lost city, Elemain, he can't help but accept the offer."
Okay, that sentence is way too long for a query, but look at the structure: We identify Velho by what makes him unique (bounty hunter, immortality), but immediately redirect attention to the point of the story (following Brooklyn to Elemain).
Now that we have that out of the way, we need to set up the conflict. This gets difficult because you have so much going on- the enemy that Velho encounters seems really unrelated to the plot, but at the same time, Velho doesn't seem to care about the Death-Queen much, which makes it hard to focus on one or the other.
"Brooklyn is determined to reach Elemain to secure a powerful weapon before the Death-Queen can retrieve it and threaten the world. However, Velho doesn't share her goal. He'd much rather settle his debts so he can end his life properly, and when an opportunity appears to exterminate an old enemy, he callously places Brooklyn in harm's way to accomplish his goal."
There's a rough attempt at the conflict, but now we need a choice, and the stakes around it.
"The Death Queen, takes advantage of this confusion and captures Brooklyn. Velho must choose between putting the past away so he can seek his death, and saving the girl who is willing to cross the continent to save life."
This last part, to me, is the most questionable, but that might be because I don't know the actual story. Why can't Velho save the girl and kill his enemy? Why is he so determined to kill his enemy in the first place, if he doesn't care about his life? How did a twelve year old get targeted by "the Death Queen?" Why did the Death Queen capture Brooklyn instead of just sticking a knife through her throat and leaving Velho to his own devices (since Velho doesn't seem to care about the quest anyways?)
You don't need to answer those questions in the query, but you need to know the answers in order to be able to write the query clearly.
Remember, you need:
Character (Focus on Velho, because it's about his choice)
I'm excited to see your next draft! And sorry if this is sloppy, it's almost 800AM and I've been up all night. Oops.