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The Other Side of Blood--YA fantasy


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#21 Erevos

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 07:29 AM

Hello there and thank you for your commnets!! Though you saw an earlier draft, I'm glad you like the overall story!!

I think your new draft is much much better!! By the way for some reason your story reminds me of Castle in the Sky by Miyazaki!! Have you seen it? There are no elves, but it feel similar!!

 

 

 

The only thing Velho Vain—a highly trained elf assassin—finds more appealing than exterminating elves, is his own death. I'd leave this sentence there alone. It's really great  and it's better to start a new paragraph after it!

 

But immortality has shielded him from that final destination, forcing him to wander the world in search of a way to escape his living nightmare. His journey is thrown into chaos when twelve-year-old Brooklyn pleads for his less than savoury services to help locate the lost city of Elemain. Legends tell of the city’s coffers which are overflowing with enough gold to buy the world. Velho's love of gold does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but fate The only thing that I'd change is the word "fate". Makes me wonder why "fate" and not something else...Why did he agree to help her? forces him into action.

 

The Death Queen—Brooklyn’s step-mum—also has her sights and assassin’s set on Elemain, but first she must locate Brooklyn and the map she stole to the lost city. Great great!! If the queen gains the city’s fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and her key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

The appearance of Valtienne—Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queens hired guns—sees a shift in Velho’s goals. Though touched by Brooklyn’s charismatic innocence, uncontrollable hatred has Velho rashly using her as bait to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the Death Queen and Velho appalled he sacrificed Brooklyn for his personal vendetta. The loss of Brooklyn forces Velho to delve into his emotions and discover that he once again holds love in his heart. This is really good, but I'd try and tighten it up a bit...just a little bit so it reads faster!

 

Velho’s only mission now is to rescue Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to feel again I prefer what you wrote above " see beauty in the world again" , and find Elemain before the Death Queen has a chance to wrap her wicked claws around its gold. The pleasure of death’s embrace must wait a while longer for Velho Vain.

 

Great great improvement!! I hope my comments help!


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#22 KET Writes

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 05:51 PM

 

The only thing Velho Vain—a highly trained elf assassin—finds more appealing than exterminating elves, is his own death. I like this line. Has me hooked! I'm just wondering why his age isn't mentioned, as it's a YA novel. (Sorry if I missed this earlier in the thread). But immortality has shielded him from that final destination, forcing him to wander the world in search of a way to escape his living nightmare.I know that he wants to die, but now, I'm trying to understand why his life is  a living nightmare. His journey is thrown into chaos when twelve-year-old Brooklyn pleads for his less than savoury services to help locate the lost city of Elemain. Legends tell of the city’s coffers which are overflowing with enough gold to buy the world. Velho's love of  desire for? Something about this phrase threw me off in terms of comprehension. I had ot go back over it to understand. (Could just be me) gold does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but fate forces him into action.

The Death Queen—Brooklyn’s step-mum—also has her sights and assassin’s set on Elemain, but first she must locate Brooklyn and the map she do you mean "he?" stole to the lost city. If the queen gains the city’s fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and her key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent. Just out of curiousity--if there is enough gold to buy the world, why would she still need coal? Wouldn't the gold be enough to have her always get her way?

The appearance of Valtienne—Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queens hired guns—sees a shift in Velho’s goals. Though touched by Brooklyn’s charismatic innocence, uncontrollable hatred has Velho rashly using her as bait to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the Death Queen and Velho appalled he sacrificed Brooklyn for his personal vendetta. The loss of Brooklyn forces Velho to delve into his emotions and discover that he once again holds love in his heart. 

Velho’s only mission now is to rescue Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to feel again, and find Elemain before the Death Queen has a chance to wrap her wicked claws around its gold. The pleasure of death’s embrace must wait a while longer for Velho Vain.

 

 

 

This sounds like an exciting story! While I LOVED the hook. I don't really see his desire to die threaded into the rest of the query, or into the main conflict. If it isn't part of the rest of the story, you may need a new hook. If it is, (is he torn between wanting to die, and make right with Brooklyn?) tie it into more of the query.

 

Best of luck!


If my feedback was helpful, I'd appreciate some thoughts on my YA Urban Fantasy Query !

 


#23 Mdane

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Posted 20 January 2018 - 12:26 AM

Thanks Erevos for having another look, and thanks KET for your help. To answer your questing IRT the Elemain's gold, it is merely a means to power. You cannot go to a country and buy it, but you can take it if you have armies with blackpowder (gun powder) :)

 

I find I am making less and less edits now, so I think that is a sign that we are getting there. Thanks for all your help.

 

 

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain finds more appealing than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality has forced him to wander the world in search of a way to escape his living nightmare. His journey is thrown into chaos when twelve-year-old Brooklyn pleads for his less than savoury services to help locate the lost city of Elemain. Legends tell of the city’s coffers which are overflowing with enough gold to buy the world. Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but unfortunate events force him to become traveling companions with the annoyingly cheerful Brooklyn.

 

The Death Queen—Brooklyn’s step-mum—also has her sights on Elemain, but first she must locate Brooklyn and the map she stole to the lost city. If the queen gains the city’s fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

The appearance of Valtienne—Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—sees a shift in Velho’s goals. Uncontrollable hatred has Velho using Brooklyn as bait to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the queen and Velho racked with guilt at Brooklyn’s abduction.

 

Velho must deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace a while longer while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to see beauty in the world again. If he fails then she will be murdered and the queen will be left unchecked to gain Elemain’s gold to the detriment of the Central Continent.


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#24 Erevos

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Posted 20 January 2018 - 09:06 AM

Hey Mdane and thank you for your comments on my query!

I know about te em dash, but since ctrl alt minus doesn't work here, I'm kind of bored to copy paste from word. So I just put a hyphen hehe  :laugh:

 

I came here to comment again on your latest attempt..and.. I got nothing bad to say! I loved the "annoyingly cheerful Brooklyn" and the "see beauty in the world again."

For me it works!! Perhaps you can wait a bit more to see what others will have to say, but other than that you are ready to start sending it to agents!


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#25 Mdane

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Posted 20 January 2018 - 10:54 AM

So I have shortened the query and modified the layout a bit to hopefully improve it. Can you please let me know which one you guys prefer.

 

​New query:

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain craves more than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality forces him to wander the world hunting a cure to his existence.

 

When twelve-year-old Brooklyn tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she brings hot hell in tow. Having stolen a map to the lost city of Elemain from the Death Queen—her step-mum—Brooklyn is a princess with a price on her head. She intends to reach the city with head intact before the queen does. If the queen acquires the city’s rumoured fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne— Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—has him accepting the annoyingly cheerful Brooklyn’s offer. Understanding Valtienne will not give up the chase of Brooklyn, Velho uses Brooklyn as bait in an attempt to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the Death Queen and Velho racked with guilt over Brooklyn’s abduction.

 

Velho must now deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn. To fail is to deliver Brooklyn to death, the queen to Elemain and the Central Continent to hell.

 

​Old Query:

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain finds more appealing than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality has forced him to wander the world in search of a way to escape his living nightmare. His journey is thrown into chaos when twelve-year-old Brooklyn pleads for his less than savoury services to help locate the lost city of Elemain. Legends tell of the city’s coffers which are overflowing with enough gold to buy the world. Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but unfortunate events force him to become traveling companions with the annoyingly cheerful Brooklyn.

 

The Death Queen—Brooklyn’s step-mum—also has her sights on Elemain, but first she must locate Brooklyn and the map she stole to the lost city. If the queen gains the city’s fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

The appearance of Valtienne—Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—sees a shift in Velho’s goals. Uncontrollable hatred has Velho using Brooklyn as bait to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the queen and Velho racked with guilt at Brooklyn’s abduction.

 

Velho must deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace a while longer while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to see beauty in the world again. If he fails then she will be murdered and the queen will be left unchecked to gain Elemain’s gold to the detriment of the Central Continent.


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#26 Sataris

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Posted 20 January 2018 - 11:17 AM

 

The only thing Velho Vain—a highly trained elf assassin—finds more appealing than exterminating elves is the prospect of his own death. (you can probably work the assassin bit in later on so that the hook will be punchier) But immortality has shielded positive connotation; maybe blocked? him from that final destination, forcing him to wander the world in search of a way to escape his living nightmare.

 

 

His journey is thrown into chaos pushed to the side when twelve-year-old Brooklyn pleads for his less than savoury services as a X to help locate the lost city of Elemain (this seems like a good spot to talk about his abilities; it's not clear why she'd hire an assassin to find a city. Legends tell of the city’s coffers which are overflowing with enough gold to buy the world. Velho's love of gold does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but fate forces him into action. I like the whisky part, but the fate thing is unclear as to what it actually prompting him

 

The Death Queen—Brooklyn’s step-mum—also has her sights and assassin’s no apostrophe; reads clearer as her having her assassins set on elemain rather than her assassin's sight set on Elemain, but first she must locate Brooklyn and the map she stole to the lost city this is an interesting detail and it should probably be worked in above - it might be a good way to tie this paragraph to the one above it. End with telling us she has a stolen map, then introduce the person she stole it from (DQ). If the queen gains the city’s fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and her key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent. I think the black powder thing sets up your world really well, but it makes me wonder why they can't just use charcoal? 

 

The appearance of Valtienne—Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queens hired guns—sees a shift in Velho’s goals. Though touched by Brooklyn’s charismatic innocence, uncontrollable hatred has Velho rashly using her as bait to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the Death Queen and Velho appalled he sacrificed Brooklyn for his personal vendetta. The loss of Brooklyn forces Velho to delve into his emotions and discover that he once again holds love in his heart.  This sounds like it would be super compelling in your book, but it's a bit too much info for the query, and it's going to cause us to dislike the MC without more background to justify it that you dont have room for. I think it'd be easier to follow if you just summarized this as but when Brooklyn is captured by the queen, Velho will have to decide between rescuing the girl who taught him to feel again (and will have to give up X) or leaving her to the queens devices and pursing his own ends/suicide/etc

 

Velho’s only mission now is to rescue Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to feel again, and find Elemain before the Death Queen has a chance to wrap her wicked claws around its gold. The pleasure of death’s embrace must wait a while longer for Velho Vain.

 

This is much better than the previous version I looked it - much more concise in particular. I think if you summarize the third paragraph and cut the fourth (since it's restating what we know he's doing  a bit) you'll have a really solid shell to play with that will have all of the info we need. Hope that was helpful! Thanks for taking a look at my query.


No current query.


#27 VSChapman

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Posted 21 January 2018 - 11:00 AM

So I have shortened the query and modified the layout a bit to hopefully improve it. Can you please let me know which one you guys prefer.

 

​New query:

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain craves more than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality forces him to wander the world hunting a cure to his existence. (love this opening!)

 

When twelve-year-old Brooklyn tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she brings hot hell in tow. (Okay, not big on the hot hell in tow. I'm wondering exactly what kind of troubles she's bringing with her. And it sounds like she's asking him to exterminate elves because that's all we know about him so far.) Having stolen a map to the lost city of Elemain from the Death Queen—her step-mum—Brooklyn is a princess with a price on her head. She intends to reach the city with head intact before the queen does. If the queen acquires the city’s rumoured fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, (like the whiskey remark!)but the re-emergence of Valtienne— Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—has him accepting the annoyingly cheerful Brooklyn’s offer. Understanding Valtienne will not give up the chase of Brooklyn, Velho uses Brooklyn as bait in an attempt to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the Death Queen and Velho racked with guilt over Brooklyn’s abduction.

 

Velho must now deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn. To fail is to deliver Brooklyn to death, the queen to Elemain and the Central Continent to hell.

 

​Old Query:

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain finds more appealing than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality has forced him to wander the world in search of a way to escape his living nightmare. His journey is thrown into chaos when twelve-year-old Brooklyn pleads for his less than savoury services to help locate the lost city of Elemain. Legends tell of the city’s coffers which are overflowing with enough gold to buy the world. Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but unfortunate events force him to become traveling companions with the annoyingly cheerful Brooklyn.

 

The Death Queen—Brooklyn’s step-mum—also has her sights on Elemain, but first she must locate Brooklyn and the map she stole to the lost city. If the queen gains the city’s fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent. (this version is much more clear of what is happening than the one above it.)

 

The appearance of Valtienne—Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—sees a shift in Velho’s goals. Uncontrollable hatred has Velho using Brooklyn as bait to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the queen and Velho racked with guilt at Brooklyn’s abduction.

 

Velho must deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace a while longer while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to see beauty in the world again. If he fails then she will be murdered and the queen will be left unchecked to gain Elemain’s gold to the detriment of the Central Continent.

Okay, so I like the opening in the new version better but I like the main part in the old one better. Keeping that first line by itself in the new query I think works better than combining them in the old version. In the new one, things start to get a little muddled and confusing, a little harder to follow. They are much clearer in the old version for me. I would combine the two and see how that works. BTW, your book on Amazon looks really good!



#28 PureZhar3

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Posted 21 January 2018 - 02:38 PM


The only thing assassin Velho Vain craves more than exterminating elves, By no means am I the comma expert, but is this necessary here? It was a minor distraction to me (if it's correct, of course, keep it) - maybe put a comma after craves too? is his own death. But immortality forces him to wander the world hunting for/down a cure to his existence. The entered word is also minor, but it might read smoother. That might just be me. Other than those minor things, this is such a great opening!!

 

When twelve-year-old Brooklyn tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she brings hot hell in tow I'm not quite sure what you mean by the phrase "hot hell" - be specific. Having stolen a map to the lost city of Elemain from the Death Queen—her step-mum—Brooklyn is a princess with a price on her head. She intends to reach the city with head intact before the queen does. If the queen acquires the city’s rumoured fortune, she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal ; should this semi-colon be a full colon? the sentence following is a dependent clause a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent. I don't fully understand this sentence - I think partially because, in my mind, "reach of destruction" could mean either the extension of her kingdom or increased devastation caused by her. I'm also not totally clear how it relates to coal (is she buying coal to extend her reach of destruction, or is she extending her reach of destruction to get access to coal?)

 

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne— Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—has him accepting the annoyingly cheerful Brooklyn’s offer. Understanding Valtienne will not give up the chase of Brooklyn, Velho uses Brooklyn as bait in an attempt to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the Death Queen and Velho racked with guilt over Brooklyn’s abduction.good, clear explanation of what's going on - good job!

 

Velho must now deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn. To fail is to deliver Brooklyn to death, the queen to Elemain, and the Central Continent to hell.

 

​Old Query:

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain finds more appealing than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality has forced him to wander the world in search of a way to escape his living nightmare. His journey is thrown into chaos when twelve-year-old Brooklyn pleads for his less than savoury services to help locate the lost city of Elemain. Legends tell of the city’s coffers which are overflowing with enough gold to buy the world. Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but unfortunate events force him to become traveling companions with the annoyingly cheerful Brooklyn.

 

The Death Queen—Brooklyn’s step-mum—also has her sights on Elemain, but first she must locate Brooklyn and the map she stole to the lost city. If the queen gains the city’s fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

The appearance of Valtienne—Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—sees a shift in Velho’s goals. Uncontrollable hatred has Velho using Brooklyn as bait to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the queen and Velho racked with guilt at Brooklyn’s abduction.

 

Velho must deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace a while longer while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to see beauty in the world again. If he fails then she will be murdered and the queen will be left unchecked to gain Elemain’s gold to the detriment of the Central Continent.

 

I definitely like the new version better... with some simple rewording (particularly in the second paragraph), I think you'll have an amazing query. The plot was pretty easy to follow, for me. You're almost there!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#29 Wayfarer

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Posted 21 January 2018 - 04:39 PM

​New query:

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain craves more than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality forces him to wander the world hunting [for](just reads better to me with 'for', not technically necessary though) a cure to his existence.

 

When twelve-year-old Brooklyn tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she brings hot hell in tow. Having stolen a map to the lost city of Elemain from the Death Queen—her step-mum—Brooklyn is a princess with a price on her head. She intends to reach the city with head intact before the queen does. If the queen acquires the city’s rumoured fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne— Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—has him accepting the annoyingly cheerful Brooklyn’s offer. Understanding Valtienne will not give up the chase of Brooklyn, Velho uses Brooklyn as bait in an attempt to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails leaving Velho racked with guilt as Valtienne escapes death and returns Brooklyn to the Death Queen.

 

Velho chooses to deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn. To fail is to deliver Brooklyn to death, the queen to Elemain and the Central Continent to hell.

 

It's looking so much better. The latter edits are just adjustments I made that read better to me by streaming the ideas presented in the query.



#30 Mdane

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 03:40 AM

Thanks all for your great input :) I have modified it based on your recommendations. Fingers crossed we are almost there. I had forgotten how hard writing a query can be haha

 

 

 

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain craves more than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality forces him to wander the world hunting for a cure to his existence.

 

When twelve-year-old Brooklyn tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she is trailed by a storm of trouble. You see, Brooklyn is a princess with a price on her head. Unsurprising considering she stole a map to the lost city of Elemain from the Death Queen—her step-mum. She aims to reach the city before the queen in order to safeguard its legendary riches. If the queen acquires the city’s wealth she will use it to fund her destruction of the land and her subjects in her pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne— Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—has him accepting Brooklyn’s offer. Understanding Valtienne will not give up the chase of Brooklyn, Velho uses Brooklyn as bait in an attempt to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails leaving Velho racked with guilt as Valtienne escapes and returns Brooklyn to the Death Queen.

 

Velho must now deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn. To fail is to deliver Brooklyn to death, the queen to Elemain and the Central Continent to hell.


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#31 misskittin1978

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 07:16 AM

please take my input with a pinch of salt because the query I posted was not great (and being revised now) so I feel I might not be the best to give our suggestions but wanted to return the favour xx

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain craves more than exterminating elves is his own death. But immortality forces him to wander the world hunting for a cure to his existence.

 

When twelve-year-old Brooklyn tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she is trailed by a storm of trouble. You see, Brooklyn is a princess with a price on her head. Unsurprising considering she stole a map to the lost city of Elemain from the Death Queen—her step-mum. She aims to reach the city before the queen in order to safeguard its legendary riches. If the queen acquires Elemain she will use it to fund her destruction of the land and her subjects in her pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder (what is black powder we don't know maybe just say it is a highly sought after and precious thing ?) and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne— Velho’s old love, (is there a point to mention that it's his old love if he doesn't care about her now? If he still does then maybe mention it could be a dilemma and his old feelings come in the way of the mission if not don't mention ??? ) now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—has him accepting Brooklyn’s offer. Understanding Valtienne will not give up the chase of Brooklyn, Velho uses Brooklyn as bait in an attempt to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails leaving Velho racked with guilt as Valtienne escapes and returns Brooklyn to the Death Queen.

 

Velho must now deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn. To fail is to deliver Brooklyn to death, the queen to Elemain and the Central Continent to hell.



#32 Jbaydoun

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 09:03 AM

 

Thanks all for your great input :) I have modified it based on your recommendations. Fingers crossed we are almost there. I had forgotten how hard writing a query can be haha

 

 

 

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain craves more than exterminating (extermininating sounds weird, like he's squashing bugs. Just say he "killing") elves, is his own death. But immortality forces him to wander the world hunting for a cure to his existence.

 

When twelve-year-old Brooklyn tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she is trailed by a storm of trouble. You see, Brooklyn is a princess with a price on her head. Unsurprising  Not surprising considering she stole a map to the lost city of Elemain from the Death Queen—her step-mum. She aims to reach the city before the queen so she can safeguard its legendary riches. If the queen acquires the city’s wealth, she will use it to fund the destruction of the land and her subjects in her pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent. 

 

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne— Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—has him accepting Brooklyn’s offer. Understanding Valtienne will not give up the chase of Brooklyn, Velho uses Brooklyn as bait in an attempt to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails leaving Velho racked with guilt as Valtienne escapes and returns Brooklyn to the Death Queen. (This is where you lose me. You are introducing a new character at the very end of your query! That is a big no-no. I was led to believe that Velho and Brooklyn are the main characters, why should I care about Valtienne? You need to introduce her ealier. Tell us that Brooklyn is being chased by Velho's old flame when you tell us about Brooklyn.

 

 

Velho must now deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn. To fail is to deliver Brooklyn to death, the queen to Elemain and the Central Continent to hell. (The grammar is off in this sentence. Try rewriting it in a different way). 

 

 

 

Your plot is very interesting. I think you just need to polish up the query just a little more and you'll be set. Good luck!



#33 Nonicks

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 12:56 PM

Fresh eyes here! 

 

 

Thanks all for your great input :) I have modified it based on your recommendations. Fingers crossed we are almost there. I had forgotten how hard writing a query can be haha

 

 

 

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain (he has a catchy name/ I love it!) craves more than exterminating elves, is his own death (a great hook). But immortality forces him to wander the world hunting for a cure to his existence.

 

When twelve-year-old Brooklyn tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she is trailed by a storm of trouble. You see, Brooklyn is a princess with a price on her head. Unsurprising considering she stole a map to the lost city of Elemain from the Death Queen—her step-mum. She aims to reach the city before the queen in order to safeguard its legendary riches. If the queen acquires the city’s wealth she will use it to fund her destruction of the land and her subjects in her pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent. (this paragraph tells me there is more than one POV in this book. But I'm not sure about it),

 

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne (is she an important character? You have 4 names in this query. If Valentinne is a main character, keep her, if not, I would erase her name)— Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns (again, if she is a secondary character, I'd erase this line)—has him accepting Brooklyn’s offer. Understanding Valtienne will not give up the chase of Brooklyn, Velho uses Brooklyn as bait in an attempt to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails leaving Velho racked with guilt as Valtienne escapes and returns Brooklyn to the Death Queen.

 

Velho must now deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn. To fail is to deliver Brooklyn to death, the queen to Elemain and the Central Continent to hell. (he doesn't seem like a person who cares about anything apart from himself, so why does he care about the kingdom?)

 

 

Velho sounds like a really great character! I want to read this book. :) I was confused by the POVs. How many main characters do you have?

 

 

If you have the time, please take a look at my query



#34 LEEALLAN

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 10:43 PM

Thanks for your excellent critique of my query! I'll try to add to the thoughts of others about your query. I think it makes the story difficult to follow when you have the names of two main characters beginning with a "V"

 

The only thing assassin Velho Vain craves more than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality forces him to wander the world hunting for a cure to his existence.

 (awesome opener!)

When twelve-year-old Brooklyn tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she is trailed by a storm of trouble. You see, Brooklyn is a princess with a price on her head. Unsurprising considering (two words together, both ending in ing? Could this be reworded?) she stole a map to the lost city of Elemain from the Death Queen—her step-mum. She aims to reach the city before the queen in order to safeguard its legendary riches(what are the riches?Money,gold, or something else?)  If the queen acquires the city’s wealth she will use it to fund her destruction of the land and her subjects in her pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

 

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne— Velho’s old love, but now a mortal enemy and one of the queen’s hired guns—has him accepting Brooklyn’s offer. Understanding Valtienne will not give up the chase of Brooklyn, Velho uses Brooklyn as bait in an attempt to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails (comma needed here) leaving Velho racked with guilt as Valtienne escapes and returns Brooklyn to the Death Queen.

 

Velho must now deny himself the pleasure of death’s embrace while he attempts to rescue Brooklyn. To fail is to deliver Brooklyn to death, the queen to Elemain and the Central Continent to hell.



#35 alibi174

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Posted Yesterday, 10:29 AM

The only thing Velho Vain—a highly trained elf assassin—finds more appealing than exterminating elves, is his own death. But immortality has shielded him from that final destination, forcing him to wander the world in search of a way to escape an escape from his living nightmare. His journey is thrown into chaos when twelve-year-old Brooklyn pleads for his less than savoury services to help locate the lost city of Elemain. Legends tell of the city’s coffers, which are overflowing with enough gold to buy the world. Velho's love of gold does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but fate forces him into action [this is a bit vague, making it hard for me to picture].

The Death Queen—Brooklyn’s step-mum [should this be hyphenated?]—also has her sights and assassin’s [assassins...without the apostrophe?] set on Elemain, but first she must locate Brooklyn and the map she stole to the lost city. If the queen gains the city’s fortune, she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal;, a vital ingredient in black powder and her key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.

The appearance of Valtienne—Velho’s old love,--now mortal enemy and one of the queens hired guns—sees a shift in Velho’s goals. Though touched by Brooklyn’s charismatic innocence, uncontrollable hatred has Velho rashly using her as bait to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the Death Queen, and Velho appalled he sacrificed Brooklyn for his personal vendetta [I think parallel structure would make this list read more fluidly]. The loss of Brooklyn forces Velho to delve into his emotions and discover that he once again holds love in his heart.

Velho’s only mission now is to rescue Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to feel again, and find Elemain before the Death Queen has a chance to wrap her wicked claws around its gold. The pleasure of death’s embrace must wait a while longer for Velho Vain.

 

I love your last paragraph! It makes me really want to read your novel.


 

 

I would greatly appreciate any feedback you can provide on my query for BISECTER





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