Hello there and thank you for your commnets!! Though you saw an earlier draft, I'm glad you like the overall story!!
I think your new draft is much much better!! By the way for some reason your story reminds me of Castle in the Sky by Miyazaki!! Have you seen it? There are no elves, but it feel similar!!
The only thing Velho Vain—a highly trained elf assassin—finds more appealing than exterminating elves, is his own death. I'd leave this sentence there alone. It's really great and it's better to start a new paragraph after it!
But immortality has shielded him from that final destination, forcing him to wander the world in search of a way to escape his living nightmare. His journey is thrown into chaos when twelve-year-old Brooklyn pleads for his less than savoury services to help locate the lost city of Elemain. Legends tell of the city’s coffers which are overflowing with enough gold to buy the world. Velho's love of gold does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but fate The only thing that I'd change is the word "fate". Makes me wonder why "fate" and not something else...Why did he agree to help her? forces him into action.
The Death Queen—Brooklyn’s step-mum—also has her sights and assassin’s set on Elemain, but first she must locate Brooklyn and the map she stole to the lost city. Great great!! If the queen gains the city’s fortune she will use it to extend her reach of destruction in pursuit of coal; a vital ingredient in black powder and her key to unchallenged rulership of the entire Central Continent.
The appearance of Valtienne—Velho’s old love, now mortal enemy and one of the queens hired guns—sees a shift in Velho’s goals. Though touched by Brooklyn’s charismatic innocence, uncontrollable hatred has Velho rashly using her as bait to destroy Valtienne. The plan fails, resulting in Valtienne escaping death, Brooklyn returned to the Death Queen and Velho appalled he sacrificed Brooklyn for his personal vendetta. The loss of Brooklyn forces Velho to delve into his emotions and discover that he once again holds love in his heart. This is really good, but I'd try and tighten it up a bit...just a little bit so it reads faster!
Velho’s only mission now is to rescue Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to feel again I prefer what you wrote above " see beauty in the world again" , and find Elemain before the Death Queen has a chance to wrap her wicked claws around its gold. The pleasure of death’s embrace must wait a while longer for Velho Vain.
Great great improvement!! I hope my comments help!