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The Other Side of Blood--YA fantasy


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#41 Mdane

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Posted 12 November 2018 - 05:42 AM

Wow Koechophe, your advice is invaluable! I love what you did, it reads so much better. I have ammended again based on your critique. Thanks very much :)

 


Tormented by the mistakes of his past which resulted in the murder of his beloved brother, immortal assassin Velho Vain is on a quest for the one thing he can’t have; death.

When Brooklyn, a twelve-year-old princess, tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she is trailed by a storm of trouble. A magnificent bounty on her head, a stolen map to a city full of gold, and the insane idea that she can save the kingdom from her stepmother, the Death Queen. Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne—Velho’s old love until she murdered his brother—has him accepting Brooklyn’s offer in the hopes of using the girl as bait. When his plan backfires and Brooklyn is captured, Velho is faced with another old enemy; his conscience. 

 

Velho must now deny himself his hunt for death while he attempts to save Brooklyn from the gallows. But with each swish of his blade and thump of his crossbow, one truth becomes clear: the Death Queen is merely a pawn in a battle of immortals.

 


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#42 Koechophe

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Posted 12 November 2018 - 10:56 AM

Just a bit of trimming and cleanup and I think you're well on your way!

 

 

Tormented by the mistakes of his past which resulted in the murder of his beloved brother, immortal assassin Velho Vain is on a quest for the one thing he can’t have; death.

When Brooklyn, a twelve-year-old princess, tracks Velho down and pleads for his specialized services, she is trailed by a storm of trouble. A magnificent bounty on her head, a stolen map to a city full of gold, and the insane idea that she can save the kingdom from her stepmother, the Death Queen.

 

New paragraph here

Velho's love of money does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, but the re-emergence of Valtienne—Velho’s old former love who until she murdered his brother—has him accepting Brooklyn’s offer in the hopes of using the girl as bait. When his plan backfires and Brooklyn is captured, Velho is faced with another old enemy; his conscience. 

 

Velho must now deny himself his hunt for death while he attempts to save Brooklyn from the gallows. But with each swish of his blade and thump of his crossbow, one truth becomes clear: the Death Queen is merely a pawn in a battle of immortals.

I'm not sure I like this last sentence, it's just a bit too vague here. I don't know your story, but I actually think it would read better to instead say "Vehlo himself has only been a pawn in a larger battle of immortals." 

 

I really think this query is succinct in the most effective way possible. My only advice is cleaning up that last line, and a few word choice tweaks here and there to add clarity and brevity. Well done!

 






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