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Return of the Titans (Middle Grade, Fantasy)

Adventure Fantasy Middle Grade Multi-Cultural Humor/Satire

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#1 HGWilliams

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 01:12 PM

(Hello, everyone! This is my first time querying, so by all means, please tell me what I may need to edit, fix, or improve upon. Thank you!)

 

Dear Agent,

 

Thirteen-year-old Frankie Taton is a scruffy vagabond who is struggling to get by. After the sudden disappearance of her mother when she was a young girl, leaving her alone and homeless; she lives her life in the shadows, terrified of change and what the next day might bring. The only thing that brings her comfort is the friendliness of a mortician named Dr. Lebeau, a man of many secrets but none too intrusive.

 

However, that all changes when she realizes that her world is much bigger than she anticipated. There are immortals in her city, maidens who can control the waves, and men with cloven hooves. Even the mysterious Doctor is an immortal, the descendant of Giants, a race of once-powerful gods, but now banished and void of much of their power. Frankie is shocked to find out that she too has this mysterious blood running through her veins. The illegitimate child of a dryad and a mortal man; for this, she has the gift of immortality, but also the curse of antlers.

 

But not every immortal wish to keep themselves hidden in plain sight. A race of Giants called the Lion-men seek revenge for the loss of their land, of which the next generation of gods and innocent mortals live and thrive, Frankie included. However, to do so requires a blood sacrifice of an immortal, but not just any immortal. One who, once killed, can come back. But an immortal never has, until Frankie finds herself revived and rejuvenated after a failed Giant attack.

 

With nowhere else to run, to stop them from destroying the city that she knows and loves, Frankie journeys to find her people’s king, the only person who can help them. But when she discovers that Father of All is in cahoots with the Lion-men, a partnership created to bring back his family, the malevolent Gods of Old, Frankie dispels them, only to quickly realize that her actions have just brought them back.

 

Complete at 75,000 words, RETURN OF THE TITANS (YA/Fantasy) is a Greek Mythology with a modern twist, where the stories you have heard about the Golden Age of classical Greek Mythology are retold. It will appeal to readers who favor a strong female protagonist of color and within the LGBT community. This is the first book in a six-book series, the second of which I am currently writing, and the third already plotted out.

 

I have been writing since I was ten years old and have always looked-for books with characters who reflected me. As a woman of color and member of the LGBT community, I was saddened when I discovered the scarcity of them. In May of 2015 I joined the online writing community known as Wattpad, and over the years my work has been featured on the site in its category and won contests. As of now, I am in college working for a degree in Humanities, expanding my view on the world, and gaining knowledge for this story. RETURN OF THE TITANS is my first novel.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

NAME HERE



#2 Springfield

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Posted 12 January 2018 - 01:36 PM

(Hello, everyone! This is my first time querying, so by all means, please tell me what I may need to edit, fix, or improve upon. Thank you!)

 

Dear Agent,

 

Thirteen-year-old Frankie Taton is a scruffy vagabond who is struggling to get by. After the sudden disappearance of her mother when she was a young girl, leaving her alone and homeless; she lives her life in the shadows, terrified of change and what the next day might bring. The only thing that brings her comfort is the friendliness of a mortician named Dr. Lebeau, a man of many secrets but none too intrusive.

 

However, that all changes when she realizes that her world is much bigger than she anticipated. There are immortals in her city, maidens who can control the waves, and men with cloven hooves. Even the mysterious Doctor is an immortal, the descendant of Giants, a race of once-powerful gods, but now banished and void of much of their power. Frankie is shocked to find out that she too has this mysterious blood running through her veins. The illegitimate child of a dryad and a mortal man; for this, she has the gift of immortality, but also the curse of antlers.

 

But not every immortal wish to keep themselves hidden in plain sight. A race of Giants called the Lion-men seek revenge for the loss of their land, of which the next generation of gods and innocent mortals live and thrive, Frankie included. However, to do so requires a blood sacrifice of an immortal, but not just any immortal. One who, once killed, can come back. But an immortal never has, until Frankie finds herself revived and rejuvenated after a failed Giant attack.

 

With nowhere else to run, to stop them from destroying the city that she knows and loves, Frankie journeys to find her people’s king, the only person who can help them. But when she discovers that Father of All is in cahoots with the Lion-men, a partnership created to bring back his family, the malevolent Gods of Old, Frankie dispels them, only to quickly realize that her actions have just brought them back.

 

Complete at 75,000 words, RETURN OF THE TITANS (YA/Fantasy) is a Greek Mythology with a modern twist, where the stories you have heard about the Golden Age of classical Greek Mythology are retold. It will appeal to readers who favor a strong female protagonist of color and within the LGBT community. This is the first book in a six-book series, the second of which I am currently writing, and the third already plotted out.

 

I have been writing since I was ten years old and have always looked-for books with characters who reflected me. As a woman of color and member of the LGBT community, I was saddened when I discovered the scarcity of them. In May of 2015 I joined the online writing community known as Wattpad, and over the years my work has been featured on the site in its category and won contests. As of now, I am in college working for a degree in Humanities, expanding my view on the world, and gaining knowledge for this story. RETURN OF THE TITANS is my first novel.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

NAME HERE

 

Hi --

 

I'm not going to do a lbl, because there are some overarching issues I think you need to address before you get into the nitty gritty. 

 

-- This is WAY too long, and has way too much info that you don't need in a query. You want 250 or under; this is more than double that. 

 

-- You've got this tagged as MG in the title and YA in the body, and your MC is 13, which is problematic either way. I'd age the MC up or down and pick one. You don't want to be in no-man's land.

 

-- Was this published on Wattpad? If so, you need to disclose that it's been published already. 



#3 giffordmac

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Posted 14 January 2018 - 01:47 PM

I'm not really familiar with the categories (MG/YA), so I can't speak to that. But I agree it's much too long.

 

I've also noticed the incorrect use of the semi-colon: it should separate two related sentences that could stand on their own. In each case, at least one of the separated parts is not a sentence.

 

So, while you're shortening it, take a good look at punctuation. I know it sounds picky, but agents are very observant -- you don't want to give them a reason to say no.

 

Best of luck!


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#4 Daisy

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 11:27 AM

(Hello, everyone! This is my first time querying, so by all means, please tell me what I may need to edit, fix, or improve upon. Thank you!)

 

Dear Agent,

 

Thirteen-year-old Frankie Taton is a scruffy vagabond who is struggling to get by. Is she a homeless kid or something like that?  I'm a bit confused by the description of her as a vagabond.  If she is homeless, there may be a more heart-string-pulling way to point that out here.

 

After the sudden disappearance of her mother when she was a young girl, leaving her alone and homeless; Aww yes, there it is. She is homeless.  she lives her life in the shadows, terrified of change and what the next day might bring.

Since your query is quite lengthy, I'd suggest finding a way to blend the above two sections.

 

For example: After the sudden disappearance of her mother, thirteen-year-old Frankie Taton lives in the shadows.  Homeless and alone, she's terrified of change and what the next day might bring.

 

 

The only thing person  that brings her comfort is the friendliness of a mortician named Dr. Lebeau, a man of many secrets but none too intrusiveTry and get rid of unnecessary words.  Every word counts in a query so cut, cut, cut. Get the important points down and then you can go back and polish and add your voice. 

 

However, that all changes when she realizes that her world is much bigger than she anticipated. There are immortals in her city, maidens who can control the waves, and men with cloven hooves. You can find a way to say this with half the words.  Also, try not to start your sentences with "there are" (They are, We are, He is, She was, It was...). It's too passive and you want to excite me here.  Flip the words around to make it a more active sentence.

 

 

Even the mysterious Doctor Dr. Lebeau is an immortal, the descendant of Giants, a race of once-powerful gods, but now banished and void of much of their power. Again, cut out unnecessary words and make your sentences more active. 

 

Frankie is shocked to find out that she too has this mysterious blood running through her veins. The illegitimate child of a dryad and a mortal man; for this, she has the gift of immortality, but also the curse of antlers. ​Kind of reminds me of the Percy Jackson books.  

 

But not every immortal wish to keep themselves hidden in plain sight. A race of Giants called the Lion-men seek revenge for the loss of their land, of which the next generation of gods and innocent mortals live and thrive, Frankie included. However, to do so requires a blood sacrifice of an immortal, but not just any immortal. One who, once killed, can come back. But an immortal never has, until Frankie finds herself revived and rejuvenated after a failed Giant attack.  You've tried to jam as much info in here as possible and instead of exciting me, it's making my eyes glaze over. Plus, you have so many unnecessary words. I need to be able to get sucked in as I'm skimming.  Instead, I'm losing interest. 

 

With nowhere else to run, to stop them from destroying the city that she knows and loves, Frankie journeys to find her people’s king, the only person who can help them. But when she discovers that Father of All is in cahoots with the Lion-men, a partnership created to bring back his family, the malevolent Gods of Old, Frankie dispels them, only to quickly realize that her actions have just brought them back.  The sentences here are too long and wordy to give me any sense of urgency.  You want me excited by now and racing through this query. Instead, this long-winded section makes me meander.  Keep it short and snappy if you're trying to excite me.  The way it is now, if I was an agent I'd give it a pass. :sad:

 

Complete at 75,000 words, RETURN OF THE TITANS (YA/Fantasy) is a Greek Mythology with a modern twist, where the stories you have heard about the Golden Age of classical Greek Mythology are retold. It will appeal to readers who favor a strong female protagonist of color and within the LGBT community. This is the first book in a six-book series, the second of which I am currently writing, and the third already plotted out.

 

I have been writing since I was ten years old and have always looked-for books with characters who reflected me. As a woman of color and member of the LGBT community, I was saddened when I discovered the scarcity of them. In May of 2015 I joined the online writing community known as Wattpad, and over the years my work has been featured on the site in its category and won contests. As of now, I am in college working for a degree in Humanities, expanding my view on the world, and gaining knowledge for this story. RETURN OF THE TITANS is my first novel.

 

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

NAME HERE

 

 

The title is what lured me in.  :smile:

 

I think what you need to do is cut unnecessary words. Your writing will be stronger.

Make your sentences short and snappy when you're trying to excite me. 

 

Try to avoid " ________ is" or " __________ was" and sentences like that because they're too passive.

Flip them around, play with the wording, and wow me!



#5 ABF

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Posted 15 January 2018 - 09:19 PM

Sounds very unique in concept! A couple of quick thoughts:

 

1. The mortician idea might be to scary for middle grade, but YA I think would be fine

2. You might want to shorten the summary down to 2 paragraphs tops.







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