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NEON BLUE (Adult, literary romance) UPDATE ON POST #25


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#1 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 17 January 2018 - 09:33 AM

I need to note that this novel is only a little over halfway complete, but I was too excited to not start drafting queries. This one, of course, is not a well-polished one, but I just wanted to get something down. Please let me know what you think and what places you think needs work! I know my hook here isn't the best, and I'll likely change it to something more effective but for now it'll do. Thank you so much!

 

 

 

When twenty-one year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress, passionate activist, and bearer of the tragic mental illness known as schizophrenia.

 

Ava shows Ace what the city has to offer, all the while revealing pieces of her life to him, such as the rehabilitation clinic she spent three years in for attempting suicide. But Ace has his own repressed past that’s slowly coming to the surface of his mind the more he’s with Ava: the man who sexually assaulted him as a kid, his heavy drug use, and the sex addiction brought on by his previous lovers are only small facets of what keeps him from opening up emotionally to anyone.

 

As Ace gets to know Ava, he remembers more and more of his childhood, and why he seemed to forget all of those elements that made him who he was. He has to travel through his traumatic history if he wants to move forward in life, but when Ava’s mental disorder begins to show its truly nasty side, he must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going too far over the edge. But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing an entire bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at XX,XXX words that explores themes of childhood trauma as well as mental illness.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#2 Springfield

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Posted 17 January 2018 - 10:12 AM

I need to note that this novel is only a little over halfway complete, but I was too excited to not start drafting queries. This one, of course, is not a well-polished one, but I just wanted to get something down. Please let me know what you think and what places you think needs work! I know my hook here isn't the best, and I'll likely change it to something more effective but for now it'll do. Thank you so much!

 

 

 

When twenty-one year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress, passionate activist, and bearer of the tragic mental illness This wording seems overwrought known as schizophrenia.

 

 

Ava shows Ace The names are kind of making me twitchy. what the city has to offer, all the while revealing pieces of her life to him, such as the rehabilitation clinic she spent three years in for attempting suicide. Excuse me?? But Ace has his own repressed past that’s slowly coming to the surface of his mind the more he’s with Ava: the man who sexually assaulted him as a kid, his heavy drug use, and the sex addiction brought on by his previous lovers are only small facets of what keeps him from opening up emotionally to anyone. This is confusing -- you start off with repressed past ... slowly coming to the surface as if you mean repressed memories of sexual abuse he actually doesn't remember, but then talk about drug abuse and not opening up, which implies you just mean stuff he doesn't want to discuss or whatever.

 

As Ace gets to know Ava, he remembers more and more of his childhood, Yeah, this again implies the former, above, which, like a rehab clinic someone spends three years in for a suicide attempt, isn't a thing?  and why he seemed to forget all of those elements that made him who he was. He has to travel through his traumatic history if he wants to move forward in life, but when Ava’s mental disorder begins to show its truly nasty side, What does that mean? You want specifics in a query. he must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going too far over the edge. But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing an entire bottle of pills. There are no stakes for your MC here.

 

 

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at XX,XXX words that explores themes of childhood trauma as well as mental illness.

 

I know you said this is for a WIP, so I get the plot may not be fleshed out, but in the query the plot feels very thin, heh, with no concrete problem for the MC and no stakes at all. Also, not getting literary from this. The psych stuff reads as problematic, but I'm not sure how you mean it.



#3 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 17 January 2018 - 10:26 AM

I know you said this is for a WIP, so I get the plot may not be fleshed out, but in the query the plot feels very thin, heh, with no concrete problem for the MC and no stakes at all. Also, not getting literary from this. The psych stuff reads as problematic, but I'm not sure how you mean it.


Thank you! For the rehab bit, I forgot to exclude the reason as attempted suicide because that wasn’t the reason she was there; that occurs while she’s there.I was jotting things down and wanted to include that but forgot to change it. Thanks for catching that!

Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

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#4 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 09:58 AM

Here's another update. I definitely feel as if this one shows a lot more of the novel than the last one. It's getting there! Let me know! :D Also, for newcomers, this is a query for a story that is not finished yet. 

 

 

 

 

 

When twenty-one year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress, passionate activist, and whom also happens to have schizophrenia.

 

Ever since he was sexually assaulted as a child, Ace has sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. Snorting cocaine, popping countless pills, and, to top it off ladies and gentleman, sex addiction are just a few ways he tries to reach this maximum overdrive. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysteriously powerful woman had a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for him to genuinely be in love…

 

But there is a darker side that appears in Ava as her mental disorder causes her to develop extreme hallucinations and depression. Ace finds himself slipping into his own depressive state. The one thing that is keeping Ace going is the memory of a bright, blue light from his childhood that symbolized safety and comfort from all of his fears.

 

Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going too far over the edge. But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing an entire bottle of pills. And Ace might just be messed up enough to join her.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at XX,XXX words that explores themes of childhood trauma as well as mental illness.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#5 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 08 April 2018 - 11:30 AM

Currently in the editing stages of this MS, and have an updated query below. I'm not sure how I feel about it. What do you guys think?

 

 

 

When twenty-one year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ever since he was sexually assaulted as a child, Ace has sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. Snorting cocaine, popping countless pills, and, to top it off ladies and gentleman, sex addiction are just a few ways he tries to reach this maximum overdrive. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman had a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for him to genuinely be in love…

 

But there is a darker side that appears in Ava as her mental disorder causes her to develop extreme hallucinations and depression. Ace finds himself slipping back into his own self-destructive ways as memories of his childhood surface and he is forced to deal with his trauma directly.

 

Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going too far over the edge. But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing an entire bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 73,000 words that explores themes of childhood trauma as well as mental illness.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#6 BadgerFox

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Posted 08 April 2018 - 12:46 PM

Currently in the editing stages of this MS, and have an updated query below. I'm not sure how I feel about it. What do you guys think?

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year-old [hyphenate all the words describing the age, not just the first two] Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia. [this is a pretty decent hook, although a little on the long side. Can't see an obvious place to shorten it though...]

 

Ever since he was sexually assaulted as a child, Ace has sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. Snorting cocaine, popping countless pills, and, (to top it off) ladies and gentleman, sex addiction [either put 'to top it off' OR put 'are just a few ways', because the first phrase implies that the list of things he's doing to get high is comprehensive whereas the second phrase implies the things listed here are just examples of a multitude of things he does to get high. I know it's a nitpick, but you need to choose in this phrase whether you're describing a completed list of everything he does to get high or whether you're just giving a few examples. It can't really be both at once.] (are just a few ways) he tries to reach this maximum overdrive. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman had has [wrong tense. Meeting her is something that happens at a fixed point in the past, but her unlocking capabilities are a trait that in ongoing into the future, so change the tenses in these two sentences accordingly] a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there was [check your tenses again. This one should probably be 'is' or 'could be'] a chance for him to genuinely be fall in love…

 

But there is a darker side that appears in Ava [as opposed to what - the cheerful, happy-go-lucky, enjoyable side of schizophrenia that sufferers just adore having? :D Sorry, I'm not making fun of the query here, but I think that phrase came out a bit unintentionally hilarious for those of us who've dealt with mental health issues. I've been in a mental hospital with many people suffering from schizophrenia, and it just feels a bit of a 'well duh!' obvious thing to say, that people suffering from schizophrenia have a dark side to their experiences. I get what you're saying here, but maybe choose a different way to phrase it? Or just go straight into saying she has hallucinations and depression. I don't think it'll be confusing, in the query's context] as her mental disorder causes her to develop extreme hallucinations and depression. Ace finds himself slipping back into his own self-destructive ways as memories of his childhood surface and he is forced to deal with his trauma directly.

 

Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going too far over the edge. But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—and one includes downing an entire bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance, [comma] complete at 73,000 words. that explores themes of childhood trauma as well as mental illness. [nothing wrong with the last part of this sentence, it's just completely redundant, as it's already really clear from above what the themes are].

 

Well, I for one would read this! It's quite close to home with the mental illness themes and I think it's something that needs talked about frankly more. I think this query handles the tricky subject of depicting mental illness fairly well - serious but not necessarily sensationalized, and with real 3D human beings behind it. There were a couple of points where you need to double-check your grammar and phrasing, and make sure you've got a clear idea in mind of what you're truly trying to say with each point, but overall I don't think you need to radically re-sequence or re-shape this query. The plot makes sense and I can follow it just fine.


Spare a little feedback, if you have a moment? :)

My AU historical novel query: here. Thank you!


#7 RosieSkye

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 01:29 PM

Currently in the editing stages of this MS, and have an updated query below. I'm not sure how I feel about it. What do you guys think?

 

 

 

When twenty-one year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia. (When you say "THE gorgeous actress..." it feels like she's already famous?  Is she?)

 

Ever since he was sexually assaulted as a child, Ace has sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. Snorting cocaine, popping countless pills, and, to top it off ladies and gentleman, sex addiction are just a few ways he tries to reach this maximum overdrive. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman had a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for him to genuinely be in love… (The way this is presented feels a bit bland and cliche - we've all heard the "one special person who can unlock someone's heart" scenario. Give some specifics about Ava that make her stand out as a character.)

 

But there is a darker side that appears in Ava as her mental disorder causes her to develop extreme hallucinations and depression. Ace finds himself slipping back into his own self-destructive ways as memories of his childhood surface and he is forced to deal with his trauma directly.

 

Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going too far over the edge. But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing a an entire bottle of pills. (I'd reword this end to be stronger: "But in Ava's eyes, the only way out is at the bottom of a pill bottle."  Or something like that.  Implying that she has several options waters down the stakes.)

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 73,000 words that explores themes of childhood trauma as well as mental illness.

 

 

Hope this helps!



#8 jpfranco

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 02:20 PM

When twenty-one year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ever since he was sexually assaulted as a child, this may just be my sensitivity speaking, but I don't like this. Child sexual abuse makes everyone uncomfortable, and I think you could leave it out. The following sentence doesn't need that qualifier. I'm not saying it doesn't have a place in your MS, I just think it doesn't need to be in the query.

 

Since a young age, Ace has sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. Snorting cocaine, popping countless pills, and, to top it off ladies and gentleman, a (insert descriptive adjective) sex addiction are just a few ways he tries to reach this maximum overdrive. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman Ava has a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’s been repressing his whole life. Maybe,  just maybe, there was is a chance for him to genuinely be in love…Is love the answer to all of his problems? I think he needs more than just love here, he needs a lot of help and a complete lifestyle change, it seems.

 

But There is a darker side that appears in Ava as her mental disorder causes her to develop extreme hallucinations and depression. This is good, but needs rewording: Ava's darker side appears, bringing with it extreme hallucinations and depression. (or something similar) More detail about how this affects them, what exactly happens with these hallucinations, what does she do to Ace, is she abusive? Ace finds himself slipping back into his own self-destructive ways as memories of his childhood surface and he is forced to deal with his trauma directly.

 

Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going too far over the edge.   But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing an entire bottle of pills. These are entirely different stakes than Ace confronting his demons. I think they both belong, but you've got to link them in your query. We go from Ace's demons to impending suicide. How can he help her when he's slipping back to his self-destruction? 

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 73,000 words that explores themes of childhood trauma as well as mental illness.

 

Okay, so I know I stated my discomfort with child sexual abuse, but that being said, I'm not afraid of raw reality, and the darkness in your story is intriguing. I think mental illness and suicide are things that need to stop being swept under the rug.  I am wondering how two very damaged people can help each other heal when they are both in extremely dangerous situations. I think you have room to expand on some things here. Keep at it and good luck!



#9 Aightball

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 09:42 PM

Currently in the editing stages of this MS, and have an updated query below. I'm not sure how I feel about it. What do you guys think?

 

 

 

When twenty-one year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ever since he was sexually assaulted as a child, Ace has sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. Snorting cocaine, popping countless pills, and, to top it off ladies and gentleman Don't embellish in this way...it draws the reader out of the query and while it may fit the voice of your character, it doesn't fit the query, sex addiction are just a few ways he tries to reach this maximum overdrive. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman had a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for him to genuinely be in love…

 

But there is a darker side that appears in Ava as her mental disorder causes her to develop  Have you studied schizophrenia?  Not knocking, just asking =).  I think develop is incorrect here, it should be have. extreme hallucinations and depression. Ace finds himself slipping back into his own self-destructive ways as memories of his childhood surface and he is forced to deal with his trauma directly.

 

Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going too far over the edge. But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing an entire bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 73,000 words that explores themes of childhood trauma as well as mental illness.

 

This sounds interesting...I like the themes, as I don't think there are many books out there covering this subject.

 

When writing your query, I think you have good voice here.  Just be careful with your embellishments, as they can distract from the query.  But over all, I think your query sounds good and I think your book will need to be on my shelf in the future =)

 

Good luck!


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Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

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Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#10 BrookeJS

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 10:55 PM

I agree with much of the advice offered by the above posters so I don't think I'll be copying and pasting to reiterate what was already said. What I will say is I find your query intriguing but I do feel as if a bit too much information is revealed. Personally, I love to figure the story out with the characters and as the person 2 posts above me said - the declaration of his abuse at the very beginning may not be needed. It seems more interesting to state he is a sex addict, then the reader wants to know why ​he is an addict. That seems essential to the plot. I do wish there was something more positive about Ava in the query; why is she an activist? what does Ace love about her and do they find healing together? 

 

I also deal with themes of childhood abuse in my novel and I am definitely intrigued by the story you are telling! Good job!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#11 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 13 April 2018 - 08:03 AM

Thank you guys so much for all of the feedback! You have no idea how helpful it's been! I've come up with another draft and tried my best to incorporate as much as I could from what you guys suggested. Let me know what you think! Also, the word count is different because I just finished a round of editing.

 

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ace has always sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. Snorting cocaine, popping countless pills, and, to top it off, sex addiction are just a few ways he tries to reach this maximum overdrive. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman has a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there is a chance for him to live life without being afraid…

 

Living with the mental disorder passed down from her mother, Ava shows Ace how she lives her life the best way she can in the constant hubbub of New York City—and reminds him of what it’s like to live without fear. When phantoms of a traumatic past come back to haunt Ace, she helps him work through those abashed feelings.

 

But a darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds due to her wanting to live a more normal life, and her hallucinations and delusional thoughts increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing a bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#12 BrookeJS

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Posted 13 April 2018 - 04:51 PM

Thank you guys so much for all of the feedback! You have no idea how helpful it's been! I've come up with another draft and tried my best to incorporate as much as I could from what you guys suggested. Let me know what you think! Also, the word count is different because I just finished a round of editing.

 

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ace has always sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. Snorting cocaine, popping countless pills, and, to top it off, sex addiction are just a few ways he tries to reach this maximum overdrive ​This reads oddly to me, I think perhaps consider revising something like "In order to run away from his problems, Ace spirals into self-destruction through sex addiction and drugs". But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman has a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there is a chance for him to live life without being afraid…

 

Living with the mental disorder passed down from her mother, Ava shows Ace how she lives her life the best way she can in the constant hubbub of New York City—and reminds him of what it’s like to live without fear. When phantoms of a traumatic past come back to haunt Ace, she helps him work through those abashed feelings​I like the first part but the 2nd half of the sentence is too wordy. Just say Ava helps him overcome feelings of shame. "Abashed" feels too florid. 

 

But ​Try to avoid starting sentences with "but" you don't even need it here. a darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds due to her wanting ​comma and then "she wants to prove she can live a normal life" to live a more normal life, and ​but her hallucinations and delusional thoughts ​delusions increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But  ​Yet Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing a bottle of pills. ​"one way out and it's at the bottom of a bottle of pills."

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

 

I'm liking this one a lot better! Good job! A few minor tweaks, in my opinion, but I think you're really close! Most of my comments I think are just nitpicking, so take it as you will. Hope this helps!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#13 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 05:47 PM

I'm liking this one a lot better! Good job! A few minor tweaks, in my opinion, but I think you're really close! Most of my comments I think are just nitpicking, so take it as you will. Hope this helps!

Thank you so much for your feedback!  :smile:


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

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#14 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 05:48 PM

Alrighty guys, here's the most recent draft. What do you think?

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ace has always sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. His favorite vices are drugs and sex, the two things that warp his perception of reality and his memory. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman has a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there is a chance for him to live life without being afraid…

 

Living with the mental disorder passed down from her mother, Ava shows Ace how she lives her life the best way she can in the constant hubbub of New York City and reminds him of what it’s like to live without fear. When phantoms of a traumatic past come back to haunt Ace, she helps him work through those feelings of shame.

 

A darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds, as she wants to prove she can lead a normal life, but her hallucinations and delusions increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But Ava sees only one way to help herself—downing a bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#15 BrookeJS

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 10:29 PM

Alrighty guys, here's the most recent draft. What do you think?

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ace has always sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. His favorite vices are drugs and sex, the two things that warp his perception of reality and his memory. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman has a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there is a chance for him to live life without being afraid…​Period no ellipses.

 

Living with the mental disorder passed down from her mother, Ava shows Ace how she lives her life the best way she can​. ​In the constant hubbub of New York City​, and ​she reminds him of what it’s like to live without fear. When phantoms of a traumatic past come back to haunt Ace, she ​Ava helps him work through those ​the (? this one might be matter of opinion) feelings of shame.

 

​When A darker side forms in Ava​, as she stops taking her meds, ​. as ​She wants to prove she can lead a normal life ​(maybe add "like Ace"?), but her hallucinations and delusions increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But Ava sees only one way to help herself—downing a bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

 

Good job! So much better. Mostly a few grammatical tweaks and me being a nitpicker lol. As always, I say don't start a sentence with "but" but (pun not intended) it may work for the ending line. I like this! 


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#16 Aightball

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 10:31 PM

Thank you guys so much for all of the feedback! You have no idea how helpful it's been! I've come up with another draft and tried my best to incorporate as much as I could from what you guys suggested. Let me know what you think! Also, the word count is different because I just finished a round of editing.

 

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ace has always sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image. Snorting cocaine, popping countless pills, and, to top it off, sex addiction are just a few ways he tries to reach this maximum overdrive. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that this mysterious woman has a way of unlocking aspects of himself he’d been repressing his whole life. Maybe, just maybe, there is a chance for him to live life without being afraid…

 

Living with the mental disorder passed down from her mother What is this?  Mental illness can run in families but isn't passed down per se...what is she on meds for? , Ava shows Ace how she lives her life the best way she can in the constant hubbub of New York City—and reminds him of what it’s like to live without fear. <-- this is quite a sentence...can you trim this down? When phantoms of a traumatic past come back to haunt Ace, she helps him work through those abashed feelings. <-- I'm not buying the wording here.  You could try something like: when Ace's past comes back to haunt him, Ava helps him work through [something stronger than feelings].

 

But a darker side forms in Ava as  when she stops taking her meds. due to her wanting to live a more normal life, and Her hallucinations and delusional thoughts increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But Ava sees only a few ways to help herself—one includes downing a bottle of pills.  So...what's at stake?  I would rework the end of this to reflect the stakes.  It's all well and good that Ace needs to help her out, but what's at stake if he fails?  I wouldn't focus so much on Ava's thoughts of escape so much as Ace has to help her but blank will happen if he fails

 

I'm not digging these last two paragraphs.  The query up to now seems fine...you're giving us enough to hook us and it sounds interesting.  But I think you need to add some punch here at the end.  The second paragraph is very generic...you need to give us more.  Mental illness isn't really 'passed down' so much as it can run in families.  I like the idea that his past comes back to haunt him, but your wording is weird.  See suggestions within the paragraphs =)

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

 

I think you're getting closer =).  I would work on your wording in spots and bring us more tension and stakes.  I know that's hard to do, but see if you can keep us on the edge of our seats until the very end!


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#17 BrookeJS

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 10:34 PM

I think you're getting closer =).  I would work on your wording in spots and bring us more tension and stakes.  I know that's hard to do, but see if you can keep us on the edge of our seats until the very end!

 

Schizophrenia can be genetic, or at least a higher occurrence is found in families with a parent who previously had the mental illness. It makes sense to me that Ava would perceive as having "received" it from her mother. Sometimes it skips a few generations and other times if a parent has it the child will. And her life is what is at stake. "At the bottom of a bottle of pills" is a common reference, in my opinion, to suicide. 


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#18 Aightball

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 11:14 PM

Schizophrenia can be genetic, or at least a higher occurrence is found in families with a parent who previously had the mental illness. It makes sense to me that Ava would perceive as having "received" it from her mother. Sometimes it skips a few generations and other times if a parent has it the child will. And her life is what is at stake. "At the bottom of a bottle of pills" is a common reference, in my opinion, to suicide. 

 

I didn't know that about schizophrenia!  Thanks for the information.  I definitely got the reference...but I'm torn with if that works or if we need what happens if Ace fails, you know?  It may be that I'm tired as well =). 


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#19 BrookeJS

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 12:23 AM

I didn't know that about schizophrenia!  Thanks for the information.  I definitely got the reference...but I'm torn with if that works or if we need what happens if Ace fails, you know?  It may be that I'm tired as well =). 

 

No worries, I wasn't sure if that's why you were pointing it out or not. I think possibly there might be a way to phrase the last sentence so it has a bit more punch. I can see where you are coming from!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#20 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 29 May 2018 - 08:54 PM

Hello guys. I know it's been awhile since I've posted an update but I have another one here. It's been a crazy last month or so on my end, and I've only just recently been able to get back into the swing of things. Let me know what you think of this version of the query. It's a little bit more intense, but I feel like it's appropriate for the tone of the novel. Thank you guys so much!

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ace has always sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image after being the victim of sexual abuse as well as the death of his father. Coke, pills, and sex have become the lifelines that he clings to for any sort of clarity in life. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that she has a way of making him feel as if he’s finally on the right path. Maybe, just maybe, he could figure out a way to make sense of the world.

 

Living with the mental disorder passed down from her mother, Ava struggles with her own self-image and is in an almost constant state of fear with her delusional thinking. With Ace by her side, she slowly begins to enjoy life again and the two realize that, together, they can better handle their faults.

 

A darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds, wanting to prove she can lead a normal life with Ace, but her hallucinations and delusions increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But Ava sees only one way to help herself—downing a bottle of pills.
 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

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