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NEON BLUE (Adult, literary romance) UPDATE ON POST #25


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#21 lnloft

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Posted 29 May 2018 - 09:23 PM

Hello guys. I know it's been awhile since I've posted an update but I have another one here. It's been a crazy last month or so on my end, and I've only just recently been able to get back into the swing of things. Let me know what you think of this version of the query. It's a little bit more intense, but I feel like it's appropriate for the tone of the novel. Thank you guys so much!

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia. I feel like I've seen a ton of hooks that follow some format of "Hero didn't plan on falling in love with Love Interest." There's nothing wrong with this hook, per se, but it's not particularly unique.

 

Ace has always sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image after being the victim of sexual abuse as well as the death of his father. This is a rather clunky sentence. Read it out loud and you'll see it runs on a bit. Coke, pills, and sex have become the lifelines that he clings to for any sort of clarity in life. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that she has a way of making him feel as if he’s finally on the right path. Maybe, just maybe, he could figure out a way to make sense of the world.

 

Living with the mental disorder passed down from her mother, Ava struggles with her own self-image and is in an almost constant state of fear with her delusional thinking. With Ace by her side, she slowly begins to enjoy life again Can you give specifics? What do they do together? It'll help show the relationship between them. and the two realize that, together, they can better handle their faults.

 

A darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds, wanting to prove she can lead a normal life with Ace, but her hallucinations and delusions increase. I think this sentence can be better as well. It is a bit run-on-y, and it's just not sitting right with me. Not a fan of "A darker side forms". Maybe just start it as, "But Ava stops taking her meds, wanting to prove she can lead a normal life with Ace." You'd then have to find a way to rewrite the latter portion, but I think it would flow better. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But Ava sees only one way to help herself—downing a bottle of pills. So, there's me knowing that people with mental illness don't always think logically, but then there's also wanting to see her version of logic. Like she knows things work with her meds, so why isn't she just like, "Whelp, this didn't work, guess the meds are better than nothing." So can you show us a bit more, where she's maybe like, "The meds are cheating/hiding the real me/show that I'm not good enough for Ace." Whatever her irrational logic is, so we know that much more of what they have to overcome.
 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

I never read romance, so there's a few things in here that I can't tell if they're actually problems or they're just the tropes of the genre. I'll let some other people speak up on the story itself while I focused on the query. The biggest problem is that I'm not seeing a ton to set it strongly apart from other similar stories. And, again, maybe some of that is my ignorance of the genre, but not all of it. Specifics will definitely help in that. Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#22 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 01:04 AM

Alright guys, it's 2AM right now where I am and I've just put this new version together, so if there are any typos, please forgive me. What do you guys think of this one?

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

After a traumatic childhood event as well as experiencing the death of his father, Ace’s favorite vices become pills, Coke, and anything that would alter his state of mind. Dropping out of college and hopping a plane to New York is Ace’s last attempt at “finding himself” before his unhealthy habits take full control over his life. But once he runs into the mysterious and gorgeous Ava Grace in Central Park, he can’t help but feel as if he were falling hard and fast into real love.

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. Together, the two begin to embrace the harsh reality of the world and the role that mental health plays in everyday life.

 

A darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds, wanting to prove she can lead a normal life with Ace, but her hallucinations and delusions increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But Ava sees only one way to help herself—downing a bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#23 W.P.

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 02:13 AM

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia. ((I like your opening line, but I feel like it doesnt pack enough of  a punch. Might be the way it's worded. I think there is both too much and too little, if that makes sense. the first part (about Ace) is too vague "leaves everything behind to mote to New york". What is he leaving? why is he moving? two huge questions that would tell us a ton about our main character. And then you have too much about Ava. Her description is too long (in comparison to Ace's and he's our MC). My suggestion is to first make it about Ace--cause taht's who we're rooting for, and then reveal Ava. but that's just my opinion.))

 

After a traumatic childhood event as well as experiencing ((not needed))the death of his father, Ace’s favorite vices become pills, Coke, and anything that would alter his state of mind. ((Again, good content and conflict, but it's worded really doesn't pack a punch. I feel like by making it tighter, it could be stronger. Bad example, but shows what I mean: "After a childhood trauma and the death of his father turned him to pills and Coke, Ace drops out of college..." ))) Dropping out of college and hopping a plane to New York is Ace’s last attempt at “finding himself” before his unhealthy habits take full control over his life.((now that I know why Ace leaves, I'm even more certain you should make the begining more about him. His struggle is high stakes and a way to hook the agent. but I have to ask, why NY? if there's a special reason, I suggest letting us know)) But once he runs into the mysterious and gorgeous Ava Grace in Central Park, he can’t help but feel as if he were falling hard and fast into real love.

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. Together, the two begin to embrace the harsh reality of the world and the role that mental health plays in everyday life. ((like this paragraph. I'm just not sure why he falls in love with her. you say she's mysterious and gorgeous... is that enough? I'm sure in the novel there are more reasons, but in the query we need a bit more.))

 

A darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds, wanting to prove she can lead a normal life with Ace, but her hallucinations and delusions increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with  ((he loves? <--- just to keep it tight))) from going over the edge ((too vague and abstract. the clearer the consequences, the more we care.)). But Ava sees only one way to help herself—downing a bottle of pills. ((why? just now she was sure she could lead a normal life without them, and now she's downing them? I understand what you mean, but the sequence isn't all too clear.))

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

 

 

 

I feel like you're on your way there, but some things could be worded differently and others could be a bit clearer. :) You have a good story with high stakes and intense conflict, I think you need to show it better to really sell your story. :)

 

I hope this helps. :D

 

If you have time, could you please take a look at my query as well? :)  http://agentquerycon...ren-ya-fantasy/



#24 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 04 June 2018 - 05:50 PM

Here's a new version. I think this one is more fleshed out and shows the conflict better. I couldn't think of anything new to put for the hook so I just kept the original. 

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson drops out of college and hops a plane to New York, the last thing he expects is to fall in love with Ava Grace—the blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Since the death of his father at a young age, Ace constantly crosses the line of reckless behavior. Pills, cocaine, and sex become the only vices that can tame the fear inside of him. The last time he thought he was “in love” he was doing a line in a run-down hotel. So when he meets Ava in Central Park, he is bewildered by her powerful aura that sucks him in and hold him tight. Perhaps he could finally experience real love and figure out his place in the world.

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. The more time he spends with Ava, the more traumatic events of his past come bubbling to the surface and he is forced to face the monsters he is hoarding in his heart.

 

But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her disorder. Even if that means facing the reality he’s been trying to avoid. Ava sees only one way out of the hell she’s been in her whole life—downing a bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#25 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 12 June 2018 - 01:52 AM

A new update.

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson drops out of college and hops a plane to New York, the last thing he expects is to fall in love with Ava Grace—the blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Since the death of his father at a young age, Ace constantly crosses the line of reckless behavior. Pills, cocaine, and sex become the only vices that can tame the fear inside of him. So when he meets Ava in Central Park, he is bewildered by her powerful aura that sucks him in and holds him tight. Perhaps he can finally experience real love and figure out his place in the world.

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. The more time he spends with Ava, the more traumatic events of his past come bubbling to the surface and he is forced to face the monsters he is hoarding in his heart.

 

But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her disorder. Even if that means facing the reality he’s been trying to avoid. Ava sees only one way out of the hell she’s been in her whole life—downing a bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#26 Tanja

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 06:07 AM

I like the story and you have a query that's nearly there.

 

A new update.

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson drops out of college and hops a plane to New York, the last thing he expects is to fall in love with Ava Grace—the blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

 

 

Since the death of his father at a young age, Ace constantly crosses the line of reckless behavior. Pills, cocaine, and sex become the only vices that can tame the fear inside of him. So You don't need SO here. When he meets Ava in Central Park, he is bewildered by her powerful aura that sucks him in and holds him tight. Perhaps he can finally experience real love and figure out his place in the world.

 

 

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. The more time he spends with Ava, the more traumatic events of his past come bubbling to the surface and he is forced to face the monsters he is hoarding in his heart. This is the only para I'm struggling with. The reason why is because you jump from Ava back to Ace. Either stay with Ace the entire time, or give the entire para to Ava. But don't mix both in one. Is the story written only in Ace's POV, then write the whole query in his POV. If the story is written in both Ava's and Ace's POV, then use Ava in this para.

 

 

 

But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her disorder. Even if that means facing the reality he’s been trying to avoid. I think this needs a bit more clarity. Amp it up what it means to him to face the reality he fears. Ava sees only one way out of the hell she’s been in her whole life—downing a bottle of pills.

 

 

 

NEON BLUE is a what? Adult? YA? so many people forget the genre but agents want to know literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

 

I quite like it. It just needs a bit more oomph. Other than that, good job.

 

Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey





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