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NEON BLUE (Adult, literary romance) UPDATE ON POST #30


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#21 lnloft

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Posted 29 May 2018 - 09:23 PM

Hello guys. I know it's been awhile since I've posted an update but I have another one here. It's been a crazy last month or so on my end, and I've only just recently been able to get back into the swing of things. Let me know what you think of this version of the query. It's a little bit more intense, but I feel like it's appropriate for the tone of the novel. Thank you guys so much!

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia. I feel like I've seen a ton of hooks that follow some format of "Hero didn't plan on falling in love with Love Interest." There's nothing wrong with this hook, per se, but it's not particularly unique.

 

Ace has always sought a high that would chase away his negative self-image after being the victim of sexual abuse as well as the death of his father. This is a rather clunky sentence. Read it out loud and you'll see it runs on a bit. Coke, pills, and sex have become the lifelines that he clings to for any sort of clarity in life. But after meeting Ava, he discovers that she has a way of making him feel as if he’s finally on the right path. Maybe, just maybe, he could figure out a way to make sense of the world.

 

Living with the mental disorder passed down from her mother, Ava struggles with her own self-image and is in an almost constant state of fear with her delusional thinking. With Ace by her side, she slowly begins to enjoy life again Can you give specifics? What do they do together? It'll help show the relationship between them. and the two realize that, together, they can better handle their faults.

 

A darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds, wanting to prove she can lead a normal life with Ace, but her hallucinations and delusions increase. I think this sentence can be better as well. It is a bit run-on-y, and it's just not sitting right with me. Not a fan of "A darker side forms". Maybe just start it as, "But Ava stops taking her meds, wanting to prove she can lead a normal life with Ace." You'd then have to find a way to rewrite the latter portion, but I think it would flow better. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But Ava sees only one way to help herself—downing a bottle of pills. So, there's me knowing that people with mental illness don't always think logically, but then there's also wanting to see her version of logic. Like she knows things work with her meds, so why isn't she just like, "Whelp, this didn't work, guess the meds are better than nothing." So can you show us a bit more, where she's maybe like, "The meds are cheating/hiding the real me/show that I'm not good enough for Ace." Whatever her irrational logic is, so we know that much more of what they have to overcome.
 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

I never read romance, so there's a few things in here that I can't tell if they're actually problems or they're just the tropes of the genre. I'll let some other people speak up on the story itself while I focused on the query. The biggest problem is that I'm not seeing a ton to set it strongly apart from other similar stories. And, again, maybe some of that is my ignorance of the genre, but not all of it. Specifics will definitely help in that. Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#22 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 01:04 AM

Alright guys, it's 2AM right now where I am and I've just put this new version together, so if there are any typos, please forgive me. What do you guys think of this one?

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

After a traumatic childhood event as well as experiencing the death of his father, Ace’s favorite vices become pills, Coke, and anything that would alter his state of mind. Dropping out of college and hopping a plane to New York is Ace’s last attempt at “finding himself” before his unhealthy habits take full control over his life. But once he runs into the mysterious and gorgeous Ava Grace in Central Park, he can’t help but feel as if he were falling hard and fast into real love.

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. Together, the two begin to embrace the harsh reality of the world and the role that mental health plays in everyday life.

 

A darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds, wanting to prove she can lead a normal life with Ace, but her hallucinations and delusions increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with from going over the edge. But Ava sees only one way to help herself—downing a bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#23 W.P.

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 02:13 AM

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson leaves everything behind to move to New York, he doesn’t plan on falling in love with Ava Grace—a blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia. ((I like your opening line, but I feel like it doesnt pack enough of  a punch. Might be the way it's worded. I think there is both too much and too little, if that makes sense. the first part (about Ace) is too vague "leaves everything behind to mote to New york". What is he leaving? why is he moving? two huge questions that would tell us a ton about our main character. And then you have too much about Ava. Her description is too long (in comparison to Ace's and he's our MC). My suggestion is to first make it about Ace--cause taht's who we're rooting for, and then reveal Ava. but that's just my opinion.))

 

After a traumatic childhood event as well as experiencing ((not needed))the death of his father, Ace’s favorite vices become pills, Coke, and anything that would alter his state of mind. ((Again, good content and conflict, but it's worded really doesn't pack a punch. I feel like by making it tighter, it could be stronger. Bad example, but shows what I mean: "After a childhood trauma and the death of his father turned him to pills and Coke, Ace drops out of college..." ))) Dropping out of college and hopping a plane to New York is Ace’s last attempt at “finding himself” before his unhealthy habits take full control over his life.((now that I know why Ace leaves, I'm even more certain you should make the begining more about him. His struggle is high stakes and a way to hook the agent. but I have to ask, why NY? if there's a special reason, I suggest letting us know)) But once he runs into the mysterious and gorgeous Ava Grace in Central Park, he can’t help but feel as if he were falling hard and fast into real love.

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. Together, the two begin to embrace the harsh reality of the world and the role that mental health plays in everyday life. ((like this paragraph. I'm just not sure why he falls in love with her. you say she's mysterious and gorgeous... is that enough? I'm sure in the novel there are more reasons, but in the query we need a bit more.))

 

A darker side forms in Ava as she stops taking her meds, wanting to prove she can lead a normal life with Ace, but her hallucinations and delusions increase. Ace must pour his heart into keeping the woman he’s fallen in love with  ((he loves? <--- just to keep it tight))) from going over the edge ((too vague and abstract. the clearer the consequences, the more we care.)). But Ava sees only one way to help herself—downing a bottle of pills. ((why? just now she was sure she could lead a normal life without them, and now she's downing them? I understand what you mean, but the sequence isn't all too clear.))

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

 

 

 

I feel like you're on your way there, but some things could be worded differently and others could be a bit clearer. :) You have a good story with high stakes and intense conflict, I think you need to show it better to really sell your story. :)

 

I hope this helps. :D

 

If you have time, could you please take a look at my query as well? :)  http://agentquerycon...ren-ya-fantasy/



#24 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 04 June 2018 - 05:50 PM

Here's a new version. I think this one is more fleshed out and shows the conflict better. I couldn't think of anything new to put for the hook so I just kept the original. 

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson drops out of college and hops a plane to New York, the last thing he expects is to fall in love with Ava Grace—the blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Since the death of his father at a young age, Ace constantly crosses the line of reckless behavior. Pills, cocaine, and sex become the only vices that can tame the fear inside of him. The last time he thought he was “in love” he was doing a line in a run-down hotel. So when he meets Ava in Central Park, he is bewildered by her powerful aura that sucks him in and hold him tight. Perhaps he could finally experience real love and figure out his place in the world.

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. The more time he spends with Ava, the more traumatic events of his past come bubbling to the surface and he is forced to face the monsters he is hoarding in his heart.

 

But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her disorder. Even if that means facing the reality he’s been trying to avoid. Ava sees only one way out of the hell she’s been in her whole life—downing a bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#25 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 12 June 2018 - 01:52 AM

A new update.

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson drops out of college and hops a plane to New York, the last thing he expects is to fall in love with Ava Grace—the blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Since the death of his father at a young age, Ace constantly crosses the line of reckless behavior. Pills, cocaine, and sex become the only vices that can tame the fear inside of him. So when he meets Ava in Central Park, he is bewildered by her powerful aura that sucks him in and holds him tight. Perhaps he can finally experience real love and figure out his place in the world.

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. The more time he spends with Ava, the more traumatic events of his past come bubbling to the surface and he is forced to face the monsters he is hoarding in his heart.

 

But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her disorder. Even if that means facing the reality he’s been trying to avoid. Ava sees only one way out of the hell she’s been in her whole life—downing a bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#26 Tanja

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 06:07 AM

I like the story and you have a query that's nearly there.

 

A new update.

 

 

When twenty-one-year old Ace Thompson drops out of college and hops a plane to New York, the last thing he expects is to fall in love with Ava Grace—the blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

 

 

Since the death of his father at a young age, Ace constantly crosses the line of reckless behavior. Pills, cocaine, and sex become the only vices that can tame the fear inside of him. So You don't need SO here. When he meets Ava in Central Park, he is bewildered by her powerful aura that sucks him in and holds him tight. Perhaps he can finally experience real love and figure out his place in the world.

 

 

 

Having recently left hospitalization from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too. She shows Ace how she gets by in the constant hubbub of the city—as well as her own demons that haunt her. The more time he spends with Ava, the more traumatic events of his past come bubbling to the surface and he is forced to face the monsters he is hoarding in his heart. This is the only para I'm struggling with. The reason why is because you jump from Ava back to Ace. Either stay with Ace the entire time, or give the entire para to Ava. But don't mix both in one. Is the story written only in Ace's POV, then write the whole query in his POV. If the story is written in both Ava's and Ace's POV, then use Ava in this para.

 

 

 

But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her disorder. Even if that means facing the reality he’s been trying to avoid. I think this needs a bit more clarity. Amp it up what it means to him to face the reality he fears. Ava sees only one way out of the hell she’s been in her whole life—downing a bottle of pills.

 

 

 

NEON BLUE is a what? Adult? YA? so many people forget the genre but agents want to know literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

 

I quite like it. It just needs a bit more oomph. Other than that, good job.

 

Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#27 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 09 July 2018 - 10:09 PM

I want to thank everyone who proved feedback for this query. After much deliberation, however, I have decided to release this novel via Amazon. I feel that this route is most appropriate for this particular project, but I appreciate everyone who has provided help. See you guys with my next query!


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#28 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 05:13 AM

Alright, so I know I said that I was publishing this on Amazon but, as usually, I have changed my mind. I mostly did it so I could share the story with family members. ANYWAY, I have created an updated query letter. I don't know how I feel about this one, so let me know what you guys think or if I went in the wrong direction. I tried something that I'm not sure if it's gimmicky or not but let me know - the middle paragraphs kind of end the same way, but from two different perspectives. I thought it seemed cool (you know how sometimes in the heat of writing we think something is awesome but when other people look at it or we look at it later, it's awful) so let me know if it's the wrong direction to take.

 

Thank you so much, guys!

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year-old Ace Thompson drops out of college and hops a plane to New York, the last thing he expects is to fall in love with Ava Grace—the blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia.

 

Ever since the trauma he experienced as a child, Ace constantly crosses the line of reckless behavior. Percocets and alcohol are catalysts for him to drown his memories. Ace gives one last leap of faith by traveling to the city that never sleeps. But once he becomes bewitched by the gorgeous girl with gray eyes in Central Park, there is a spark within himself he hasn’t felt in a long time.

 

Still recovering from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder, Ava is trying to find herself, too.  Her own vice: acting, in order to pretend she is someone else for a while. After the death of her mother from the same disorder, Ava walks the line between reality and the monsters her mind creates, fearing she may go down the same path. But once she meets the cute boy with blue eyes in Central Park, hope ignites in her torrent of darkness.

 

Together, Ace and Ava begin to battle the monsters they have harbored within themselves. But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her own mind. And Ava sees only one way out of the hell her life has become—downing an entire bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a New Adult Literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#29 Caligulas

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 11:02 AM

Alright, so I know I said that I was publishing this on Amazon but, as usually, I have changed my mind. I mostly did it so I could share the story with family members. ANYWAY, I have created an updated query letter. I don't know how I feel about this one, so let me know what you guys think or if I went in the wrong direction. I tried something that I'm not sure if it's gimmicky or not but let me know - the middle paragraphs kind of end the same way, but from two different perspectives. I thought it seemed cool (you know how sometimes in the heat of writing we think something is awesome but when other people look at it or we look at it later, it's awful) so let me know if it's the wrong direction to take.

 

Thank you so much, guys!

 

 

 

When twenty-one-year-old Ace Thompson drops out of college and hops a plane to New York, the last thing he expects is to fall in love with Ava Grace—the blossoming actress, passionate activist, and sufferer of schizophrenia. (Other than being long, there isn't anything wrong with this sentence. It just doesn't hook me because there's nothing particularly unique about it in and of itself. It's formatted like a hook, though it's too long for a traditional hook. Hooks work best for super high concept stories where the characters aren't the selling point of the story, their situation is. A guy moving and falling for a mentally ill girl isn't unheard of)

 

Ever since the trauma he experienced as a child (Vague, be specific), Ace constantly crosses the line of reckless behavior (Vague, be specific). Percocets and alcohol are catalysts for him to help drown his memories. Ace gives takes one last leap of faith (This implies he's looking for an effect. A leap of faith isn't jumping up and doing something at random. It's doing something you can't know what the outcome of will be, but it is an attempt to change something. You've vaguely stated he has trauma and is reckless, but not what he hopes to gain. Stability? Excitement? To get away from something? If you were more specific before it might be better implied) by traveling to the city that never sleeps. But once he becomes bewitched by the gorgeous girl with gray eyes in Central Park (How? He literally only sees her and is in love? Specifics), there is a spark within himself he hasn’t felt in a long time (This is both repetitive and wordy. Which is reoccuring. You already said he was bewitched, which implies he is feeling something strong. You don't need to again state he feels a spark. Keeping in line with this, this paragraph doesn't build from the opening sentence. There he has already flown to NYC and met this girl. Here you're restating that with more information. Pick one start and move forward. I suggest starting with this paragraph as the hook isn't doing much on it's own and you need more info. Then the query so far is very wordy. The sentences aren't snappy and a few are bogged down with a lot of needless words).

 

Still recovering from a suicide attempt brought on by her mental disorder , Ava is trying to find herself, too. (This sentence kind of rubs me the wrong way. I have a lot of experience with mental illness, professionally and personally. This is so vague that is reads improper. She has schizophrenia. There is a link between suicide attempts and schizophrenia but it's not simply have one and do the other. Like anyone else, there are factors that lead to suicide. This sentence reads like "Eh, she's a schizo so that's why she tried to kill herself". Especially with the tacked on "trying to find herself too" part. It lacks attention to the weightiness of this disorder and suicide and reads tactless, like you're just using this stuff to make Ava interesting) Her own vice: acting, in order to pretend she is someone else for a while. (How is acting a vice?) After the death of her mother from the same disorder (The disorder didn't kill her. It's not cancer. How exactly did she die), Ava walks the line between reality and the monsters her mind creates (What does this mean? All schizophrenics don't see things the exact same. Be specific), fearing she may go down the same path (I don't know what path that is. She already has schizophrenia). But once she meets the cute boy with blue eyes in Central Park, hope ignites in her torrent of darkness something else. (Kind of cheesy and doesn't really say anything at all. Plus, I don't know what this means for the story. Dating is supposed to help her schizophrenia? It actually does quite the opposite)

 

Together, Ace and Ava begin to battle the monsters they have harbored within themselves (Meaningless because it's vague. I don't know what Ace's issue is and if he's anything other than a psychiatrist there isn't all that much he can do to help Ava). But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her own mind (Why? I mean, the query is at the start of them meeting. I don't know why Ace is so into Ava. It reads like he met a hot chick and liked her, but schizophrenia is hard af. There's a reason many schizophrenics end up homeless and alone. It's not like people don't want to help them, it's just that it's obscenely hard and sometimes impossible without hospitalization. The query isn't showing me how two random, unstable people became bonded enough to deal with each other's stuff a la something like the movie alleluia). And Ava sees only one way out of the hell her life has become—downing an entire bottle of pills. (TBH, this sounds more like you're writing a story about psychotic depression, not schizophrenia)

 

NEON BLUE is a New Adult Literary romance complete at 71,000 words.

 

I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query :) http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=358143



#30 JordanTheNinja

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 01:00 AM

Alright guys, I'm actually really happy with this version I just made. I revamped things a bit. I altered the hook paragraph and changed a good chunk of the middle paragraphs. I feel this is pretty solid, but please let me know what you guys think. You guys have been so fantastic with your advice. I am eternally in your debt. Thank you so much.

 

 

 

 

For twenty-one-year-old Ace Thompson, life is an endless cycle of drugs and reckless behavior. But that all changes after he moves across the country and falls in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress who also suffers from schizophrenia.

 

Ever since the trauma he experienced as a child, Ace has numbed his memories with sex, cocaine, and quite a few un-prescribed Percocets. With a past he’s too afraid to face, a present that is dark and stagnant, and a future that seems almost nonexistent, Ace takes a risk by starting a whole new life in New York City. But after meeting Ava in Central Park, he begins to realize that maybe the answers to his problems lay in the very place they stem from: his childhood.

 

Still recovering from a suicide attempt brought on by her schizophrenia, Ava is trying to find herself, too. After the death of her mother from the same disorder, Ava walks the line between reality and the monsters her mind creates, fearing she may go out the same way as her mother. While Ace begins to face the demons of his youth, Ava battles the demons of her mind, and it is hand-in-hand that they see the scariest parts of themselves.

 

But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her own mind. And Ava sees only one way out of the hell her life has become—downing an entire bottle of pills.

 

NEON BLUE is a New Adult literary romance complete at 71,000 words.


Through trials comes triumph.

 

 

 

My social media:

 

Twitter: JordanAdams1128

 

Instagram: jordan_adams1128 (I post too many selfies, but also some writing  :cool: )

 

Snapchat: jordan_adams7


#31 Bibliophyl

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 02:42 PM

For twenty-one-year-old Ace Thompson, life is an endless cycle of drugs and reckless behavior. But that all changes after he moves across the country and falls in love with Ava Grace—the gorgeous actress who also suffers from schizophrenia. This is a nitpick, but I wonder if you can give Ava an additional or different modifier than just gorgeous. It makes her sound flat--there must be more to her than her beauty, another reason Ace falls in love with her. I've seen many agents be pretty sensitive to portrayals of female characters that revolve around their physical appearance, and there's the potential for some eyes to roll here. And if she's an actress it's pretty well understood that she must be physically attractive. Also the beautiful but crazy/damaged female character is cliche, so I'd be careful there as well. Just my perspective! 

 

 

Ever since the trauma he experienced as a child, [can you be more specific?] Ace has numbed his memories with sex, cocaine, and quite a few un-prescribed Percocets. With a past he’s too afraid to face, a present that is dark and stagnant, and a future that seems almost nonexistent, [I like this] Ace takes a risk by starting a whole new life in New York City. But after meeting Ava in Central Park, he begins to realize that maybe the answers to his problems lay [is it lay or lie? I'm never sure] in the very place they stem from: his childhood.

 

 

 

Still recovering from a suicide attempt brought on by her schizophrenia, Ava is trying to find herself, too. After the death of her mother from the same disorder, Ava walks the line between reality and the monsters her mind creates, fearing she may go out the same way as her mother. While Ace begins to face the demons of his youth, Ava battles the demons of her mind, and it is hand-in-hand that they see the scariest parts of themselves.

 

 

 

But when Ava’s hallucinations and delusions start to worsen, Ace must pour his heart and soul into keeping the woman he loves from being consumed by her own mind. And Ava sees only one way out of the hell her life has become—downing an entire bottle of pills. I like this but I wish the stakes were a bit more concrete. I get that it's hard with literary fiction. What exactly does Ace have to risk or give up for Ava? 

 

 

 

NEON BLUE is a New Adult literary romance complete at 71,000 words. I don't know if New Adult is the best genre here. I've heard that it's best reserved for "college romance" type books, not literary. I've also read agents saying it's a pointless genre in general. I'm no expert though--maybe someone else can chime in. 

 

Overall I think this is well-written. My main complaint was the "gorgeous actress" line. Women are more than their appearances! :P I hope my comments are helpful! My query is in my signature if you have a chance to take a look. 






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