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GIRL, UPLOADED YA sci-fi


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#1 Gabe S.

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 07:46 PM

Revamp at post #47!



Dear (Agent),

One millisecond ago, Abbie became self-aware on a massive world-ship, alongside a teenage boy, Harrison, who was freshly abducted from Earth.

Abbie realizes that she is a flawless synthetic copy of a seventeen-year-old girl. She has vague memories from her human life, but she doesn't how and when she turned into an android. She must find out what happened.

At first Abbie doesn’t divulge her artificial nature to Harrison, fearing how he’ll react. Yet the more they explore the ship, the more memories from her past surface and trigger strong emotions causing her to lose consciousness. The increasing frequency of these episodes leads Abbie to admit to Harrison that she isn't a human.

They are contacted by the ship’s artificial intelligence, which instructs them that Abbie must achieve a union of her artificially re-created personality and her memories, if she is to find stability. The A.I. sends them back to Earth where Harrison helps to keep her from losing consciousness as more memories and emotions initialize in her mind.

Abbie figures successful reintegration means she'll get her real body back, and failure might mean she'll be summoned back to the ship, separating her from Harrison. The glimpses she’s been able to reconstruct of her memories terrify her, though.

The closer Abbie comes to combining herself and her memories, the more she realizes that her triggered reactions signify some terrible event from her past. With Harrison's support, she must delve into her memories to discover what occurred, or else fail to completely combine and lose the chance at getting her body back and staying with Harrison. And if she does manage to unravel the mystery of her past, can Abbie endure the shocking origin of her synthetic condition?

GIRL, UPLOADED (working title) is a YA sci-fi/Fantasy at 58K words.

If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...aded-ya-sci-fi/


#2 VSChapman

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 07:57 PM

Once more, into the query grinder! Will reciprocate. 

 

 

 

Dear (Agent),

 

One millisecond ago, Abbie became self-aware on a massive world-ship, alongside a teenage boy, Harrison, who was freshly abducted from Earth. (So, at first I didn't really understand this sentence. It felt a little confusing but I do love 'one millisecond ago'. I've never seen that used before and it instantly sucked me in. The rest of the sentence though I had to re-read and it made sense once I read the rest of the query. I think it needs to be a bit clearer.)

 

Abbie realizes that she is a flawless synthetic copy of a seventeen-year-old girl. She has vague memories from her human life, but she doesn't how and when she turned into an android. She must find out what happened.

 

At first Abbie doesn’t divulge her artificial nature to Harrison, fearing how he’ll react. Yet the more they explore the ship, the more memories from her past surface and trigger strong emotions causing her to lose consciousness. The increasing frequency of these episodes leads Abbie to admit to Harrison that she isn't a human.

  

They are contacted by the ship’s artificial intelligence, which instructs them that Abbie must achieve a union of her artificially re-created personality and her memories, if she is to find stability. The A.I. sends them back to Earth where Harrison helps to keep her from losing consciousness as more memories and emotions initialize in her mind.

 

Abbie figures successful reintegration means she'll get her real body back, and failure might mean she'll be summoned back to the ship, separating her from Harrison. The glimpses she’s been able to reconstruct of her memories terrify her, though.

 

The closer Abbie comes to combining herself and her memories, the more she realizes that her triggered reactions signify some terrible event from her past. With Harrison's support, she must delve into her memories to discover what occurred, or else fail to completely combine and lose the chance at getting her body back and staying with Harrison. And if she does manage to unravel the mystery of her past, can Abbie endure the shocking origin of her synthetic condition?

 

GIRL, UPLOADED (working title) is a YA sci-fi/Fantasy at 58K words.

Okay, first... I would totally read this. I love the whole premise of the book. Second...And I don't know a lot about word count but is 58k too short? I truly don't know. Third... So, overall, I think this is pretty good. A few questions do stick out though. Like is there anyone else on the ship? Is this just two people by themselves on some weird ship and neither one of them know how they got there. And who abducts Harrison? I would imagine that would be an important part of the story too. I think it leaves one too many questions that could be answered easily. But I think this is a great start!



#3 Gabe S.

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 09:16 PM

Thanks for your thoughts, VSChapman. 

 

Me and my wife are actually currently revising this query. The above example we felt didn't accurately capture the inner struggle that the MC (Abbie) experiences throughout the book. It's also a character driven book, so we are working on tailoring it to reflect this. 

 

So, lay down your arms! The coast is clear! We shall be back!


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...aded-ya-sci-fi/


#4 lnloft

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 09:36 PM

I won't do a line-by-line, since you say you're working on a rewrite, but I'll add a couple thoughts.

 

First, definitely sounds like a cool story. You've already got a solid query going and it does sound like an interesting story. I already think you'll get this down.

 

Second, I agree that the current hook is a little clunky by the end.

 

Third, don't end on that question. Agents tend to dislike rhetorical questions, and for many of them using one can be an auto-reject.

 

Fourth, I'll say that I can already tell that it's going to be a character-driven story just by the fact that it really doesn't feel like we have more than two characters hanging around for the bulk of it. I would assume that if you only have two characters, you're really going to delve into who they are.

 

And fifth, 58,000 words is just a hair on the shorter side for a YA sci-fi, but not impossibly so. Apparently the sweet spot for YA sci-fi/fantasy is 65,000-85,000 words. So if you have something more you feel you could add to your story, I say go for it, but don't add something just for the sake of plumping up your word count, because that will ultimately hurt you more.

 

Anyway, as I said, this is already looking super promising. Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#5 dizzywriter

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Posted 18 January 2018 - 09:49 PM

Love the title and the first three words, and the concept. Since you're going to rewrite, I won't line edit but, in general, it is much too long. I'd suggest starting closer to the end, where she has to delve into her memories to get her body back. All the prior stuff seems like back story, which you can weave in a few snippets of. I'm not an expert in the genre but the word count seems low for a YA novel. Good luck with the rewrite.



#6 Gabe S.

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 08:25 AM

@LNLOFT - Thank you. You're right on the money. The story is a deep examination of the conflict of Man v. Machine, but it does it through the eyes of a seventeen year old girl. I think this is the best way to make a tough topic digestible to a larger audience (especially when it comes to the Technological Singularity and the future of human technological advancement).

 

@DIZZYWRITER - The first three words were a surprising last addition to the query before posting, after lots of head banging and soaking the keyboard in tears of frustration (we've all been there at one point or another).

 

I think the angle I will take is post a re-write of this version, then post the new character driven version and see how you all can pick both apart.

 

Thanks again everyone, the kind gentlemen with the nice white jacket with the long arms and the leg cuffs are at my door again ;D

Back to the Looney bin of revisions!


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...aded-ya-sci-fi/


#7 PureZhar3

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Posted 20 January 2018 - 09:10 PM

Dear (Agent),

 

One millisecond ago, Abbie became self-aware Does this need to be passive (became self-aware) rather than active (awoke)? If the terminology used doesn't have a deep underlying meaning, I would suggest switching it on a massive world-ship, alongside a teenage boy, Harrison, who was freshly abducted from Earth.

 

Abbie realizes that she is a flawless synthetic copy of a seventeen-year-old girl. She has vague memories from her human life, but she doesn't how and when she turned into an android. She must find out what happened. Is there a way for you to clarify how she realizes this? Does she realize it right after waking, because that's the vibe I'm getting

 

At first Abbie doesn’t divulge her artificial nature to Harrison, fearing how he’ll react. Does she know him, or is there a general stigma to androids? I see the tension but I don't understand it. Yet the more they explore the ship, the more memories from her past surface and trigger strong emotions causing her to lose consciousness. The increasing frequency of these episodes leads Abbie to admit to Harrison that she isn't a human.

  

They are contacted by the ship’s artificial intelligence, which instructs them that Abbie must achieve a union of her artificially re-created personality and her memories, if she is to find stability. The A.I. sends them back to Earth where Harrison helps to keep her from losing consciousness as more memories and emotions initialize in her mind.

 

Abbie figures successful reintegration means she'll get her real body back, and failure might mean she'll be summoned back to the ship, separating her from Harrison. The glimpses she’s been able to reconstruct of her memories terrify her, though.

 

The closer Abbie comes to combining herself and her memories, the more she realizes that her triggered reactions signify some terrible event from her past. With Harrison's support, she must delve into her memories to discover what occurred, or else fail to completely combine and lose the chance at getting her body back and staying with Harrison. And if she does manage to unravel the mystery of her past, can Abbie endure the shocking origin of her synthetic condition?

 

GIRL, UPLOADED (working title) I don't think you need to note that it's a working title... every title an agent is sent is technical a working title is a YA sci-fi/Fantasy at 58K Is there any way you can expand the word length? This is a tad short for a YA words.

 

This is a cool and intriguing idea. The biggest problem I can find is that I walk away asking "why" - why do the A.I. send them back to Earth? Why was Harrison abducted initially? Why does failure mean she'll be summoned back to the ship? I feel as if I'm reading a series of events rather than a story. This could just be me, though - check out what other people are saying and take mine with a grain of salt. It might help if you zone in a bit on the internal conflict.

 

As a side note, I just realized you're rewriting and others have noted most of the major issues, so these notes probably aren't of much help, but I figured I would post them anyway since I already wrote them.

 

If you're up for checking out my query, you can find it at http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#8 Gabe S.

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 08:45 PM

Alright,

 

So, I won't post two separate queries for the same piece of work since that's totally against the rules and I don't wish that kind of cruel and unusual punishment on myself, let alone all you guys on here. 

 

I reworked the original query. Changed it to reflect the MS more closely. One problem I had with the original is that it was about the plot line of the whole book, not just the first act, which is a no-no (the Query Shark would have comped on me - hard!).

 

Anywho, here it is:

 

 

Dear (Lord Vader), 

 

One millisecond ago, Abbie became self-aware on a massive spaceship, alongside Harrison, a teenager who was freshly abducted from Earth.  

   

Abbie looks in a mirror and sees a seventeen-year-old girl. Then some memories come to her, reminding her who she is. Under her skin, though, she feels the machinery animating her movements and worse; she doesn’t know where her real body is.  

    

Abbie‘s recollection of her past is nebulous. The more she remembers, the more mysterious the memories. Each time an intense thought surfaces; her synthetic mind can’t interpret the torrid feelings and her mind shuts down. Harrison’s presence, though, makes the dissonance between her artificial body and human conscience bearable. 

   

Abbie starts to form a connection to Harrison that’s more than simple friendship, yet she struggles to express her feelings. She dwells on being a facsimile of a real girl and that her desires are generated in binary code. She at once revels in the warmth of Harrison’s closeness, but trapped by the cold vacuous reality of what she is. It doesn't help that the ship they're on is completely empty of other beings, organic or otherwise.  

  

Abbie also knows that probing her past is the key to deciphering all her questions.   

   

But the deeper she delves, the fiercer her emotions manifest and she fears vanishing into the chaos of her subconscious. With Harrison as her anchor to reality, she may be able to successfully piece together memories hidden deep insideAnd if she does unravel the mystery of her past, Abbie has to face a darkness therein more shocking than waking up as an android girl.    

   

GIRL, UPLOADED is a YA sci-fi novel at 59K words.  

 

 

May the Emperor be with you...

 


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...aded-ya-sci-fi/


#9 VSChapman

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 08:55 PM

 

Alright,

 

So, I won't post two separate queries for the same piece of work since that's totally against the rules and I don't wish that kind of cruel and unusual punishment on myself, let alone all you guys on here. 

 

I reworked the original query. Changed it to reflect the MS more closely. One problem I had with the original is that it was about the plot line of the whole book, not just the first act, which is a no-no (the Query Shark would have comped on me - hard!).

 

Anywho, here it is:

 

 

Dear (Lord Vader), (haha!)

 

One millisecond ago, Abbie became self-aware on a massive spaceship, alongside Harrison, a teenager who was freshly abducted from Earth.  

   

Abbie looks in a mirror and sees a seventeen-year-old girl. Then some memories come to her, reminding her who she is. Under her skin, though, she feels the machinery animating her movements and worse; she doesn’t know where her real body is.  

    

Abbie‘s recollection of her past is nebulous. The more she remembers, the more mysterious the memories. Each time an intense thought surfaces; her synthetic mind can’t interpret the torrid feelings and her mind shuts down. Harrison’s presence, though, makes the dissonance between her artificial body and human conscience bearable. 

   

Abbie starts to form a connection to Harrison that’s more than simple friendship, yet she struggles to express her feelings. She dwells on being a facsimile of a real girl and that her desires are generated in binary code. She at once revels in the warmth of Harrison’s closeness, but trapped by the cold vacuous reality of what she is. It doesn't help that the ship they're on is completely empty of other beings, organic or otherwise.  

  

Abbie also knows that probing her past is the key to deciphering all her questions.   

   

But the deeper she delves, the fiercer her emotions manifest and she fears vanishing into the chaos of her subconscious. With Harrison as her anchor to reality, she may be able to successfully piece together memories hidden deep insideAnd if she does unravel the mystery of her past, Abbie has to face a darkness therein more shocking than waking up as an android girl.    

   

GIRL, UPLOADED is a YA sci-fi novel at 58K words.  

 

 

May the Emperor be with you...

 

 

This is much clearer than the previous one. I won't line edit because I've been staring at the computer way too long and will probably screw something up. But I did have a question- does Harrison remember how he got there? He's abducted but does he remember any of it? And do they know where the ship is going? Is it orbiting Earth? Flying through space? You've done a great job with Abbie but I feel like I need more about Harrison. And you totally get bonus points for the Star Wars references! 



#10 Queen of my backyard

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 10:53 PM

 

Alright,

 

So, I won't post two separate queries for the same piece of work since that's totally against the rules and I don't wish that kind of cruel and unusual punishment on myself, let alone all you guys on here. 

 

I reworked the original query. Changed it to reflect the MS more closely. One problem I had with the original is that it was about the plot line of the whole book, not just the first act, which is a no-no (the Query Shark would have comped on me - hard!).

 

Anywho, here it is:

 

 

Dear (Lord Vader), 

 

One millisecond ago, Abbie became self-aware on a massive spaceship, alongside Harrison, a teenager who was freshly abducted from Earth. 

   

Abbie looks in a mirror and sees a seventeen-year-old girl. Then some Memories come to her, reminding her who she is. But under her skin, though, she feels the machinery animating her movements and worse; –– she doesn’t know where her real body is. (This paragraph is a little disorienting for me. The first sentence of the query lead me to believe Abbie is AI. The third sentence tells me either she's A) not or B) she is but she been uploaded with a real human's memories. "Then some" beginning the third sentence of plot description (cool plot, interesting and intriguing plot... but still, plot) is sluggish. My next thought, after this is all plot, is... if Abbie just became self-aware and has only a few memories, how would she know for certain she does have a real body and that she's not just a machine implanted with someone else's real memories? That seems like a leap you haven't demonstrated yet.) 

    

Abbie‘s recollection of her past is nebulous.(This is a vague statement, but at the same time, something you've already intimated.)  The more she remembers, the more mysterious the memories the more questions she has about her past. Making matters worse, with each time an intense thought that surfaces, her synthetic mind can’t interpret the torrid feelings and her mind shuts down, incapable of interpreting the torrid feelings

 

Harrison’s presence, though, is the one thing making the dissonance between her artificial body and her human conscience bearable Abbie starts to form a connection to Harrison that’s more than simple friendship, yet she struggles to express her feelings. As her feeling for Harrison grow, Abbie struggles with She dwells on being just the a facsimile of a real girl and that is saddened her desires are generated in binary code. She at once revels in the warmth of Harrison’s closeness, but  yet is trapped by the cold vacuous reality of what she is.(Choose an adjective, you get one, not two. :)... I'm not sure you even need this sentence though, it doesn't necessarily advance the stakes for Abbie much more than what you've already laid out.) It doesn't help that the ship they're on is completely empty of other beings, organic or otherwise. (I love this bit of information. It's set-up, but it's so cool I'm kind of ok with it just based on the concept.)

  

Abbie also knows that probing her past is the key to deciphering all her questions. (How does she know this? You gotta gotta gotta give us some clue/grounding as to how she knows this or else it's just overly vague and floating in a vacuum.) 

   

But The deeper she delves into her past, the fiercer stronger her emotions manifest, and she Abbie fears she may soon vanishing into the chaos of her subconscious. With Harrison as her only anchor to reality, she may be able to successfully piece together memories hidden deep inside.(I may be missing a connection here, but we've been given no info indicating that Harrison knew Abbie back on Earth, so how does him being her connection to reality enable her to potentially piece together her deeply hidden memories? Or do you mean with Harrison by her side for support?) And But if she does unravel the mystery of her past, Abbie has to will face a darkness therein (totally disorienting and overly flowery word) more shocking than waking up as an android girl––she will (fill in the blank and give us a choice she'll have to make/stakes/consequences for Abbie, the world, etc) (The way you are currently ending this is way too vague. It could mean anything really.)   

   

GIRL, UPLOADED is a YA sci-fi novel at 58K words.  

 

 

May the Emperor be with you...

 

 

 

FABULOUS concept and endearing MC. I agree with previous poster (I apologize that I can't recall who at this point) that mentioned wondering what Harrison knew... that's an interesting and relevant point). Be careful about too much plot description/set-up... I DO get why you're including much of it, to explain the fundamental quandary of the story (which you only barely, hint at in the last sentence). When you do have to include it, whenever possible, try to phrase it in a way that maximizes the emotional or physical impact (stakes) for Abbie (whether it be short or long term), so it builds interest and sets up the dynamic of the conflict vs just reading as a recitation of what is happening to her as we progress through a series of events. At the close, you have to give us more of an either/or set-up. Great start!


If you found my comments helpful, please consider critiquing my query at http://agentquerycon...fantasyrevised/


#11 bijou

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 12:05 PM


Just a heads up: I'm reading this without reading any earlier versions or comments. I want to come to it fresh.

 

Dear (Lord Vader), 


 


One millisecond ago, Abbie became self-aware on a massive spaceship, alongside Harrison, a teenager who was freshly abducted from Earth.  [great opening]


   


Abbie looks in a mirror and sees a seventeen-year-old girl. Then some memories come to her, reminding her who she is. Under her skin, though, she feels the machinery animating her movements and worse; she doesn’t know where her real body is.  [I feel like this could be condensed. Maybe: She looks in a mirror and sees a seventeen-year-old girl. But under her skin, she feels the machinery animating her movements.


    


[As in the previous paragraph, I feel like you can condense and cut to the chase. Maybe: And then there are the memories. The more she remembers, the deeper the mystery of who she is. ] Abbie‘s recollection of her past is nebulous. The more she remembers, the more mysterious the memories. Each time an intense thought surfaces; her synthetic mind can’t interpret the torrid feelings and her mind shuts down. [maybe this is a new paragraph. it feels like a plot turn. So consider moving this down to the next paragraph so that P1 is her dilemma, P2 is Harrison's place in her mind/life.] Harrison’s presence, though, makes the dissonance between her artificial body and human conscience bearable. 


   


[I feel like these first 3 sentences could be combined into one.] Abbie starts to form a connection to Harrison that’s more than simple friendship, yet she struggles to express her feelings. She dwells on being a facsimile of a real girl and that her desires are generated in binary code. She at once revels in the warmth of Harrison’s closeness, but trapped by the cold vacuous reality ["cold vacuous reality" is an odd turn of phrase] of what she is. It doesn't help that the ship they're on is completely empty of other beings, organic or otherwise.  


  


[I have the same feeling here, that we're kind of vamping -- similar ideas replayed. I'd say get to the conflict/stakes quicker.] Abbie also knows that probing her past is the key to deciphering all her questions.   


   


But the deeper she delves, the fiercer her emotions manifest and she fears vanishing into the chaos of her subconscious. With Harrison as her anchor to reality, she may be able to successfully piece together memories hidden deep insideAnd if she does unravel the mystery of her past, Abbie has to face a darkness therein more shocking than waking up as an android girl.    


   


GIRL, UPLOADED is a YA sci-fi novel at 59K words.  

 

 

May the Emperor be with you...

 

I like your premise and it sounds like a really interesting project. My feeling is that this could all go a bit more quickly and get to the stakes. My guess is that you're still hewing to the structure of the plot a bit too much, so you might want to step back and think about that.


If my feedback was helpful, I'd appreciate some thoughts on my historical novel query.


#12 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 01:01 PM

While the second attempt gets to the stakes and is laid out better, the first query had a very creepy vibe to it that drew me in.  I could almost picture the silent, abandoned ship they were on.  The second one didn't really do that.  Is there a way to combine elements of both queries?



#13 dizzywriter

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 02:11 PM

 

Alright,

 

So, I won't post two separate queries for the same piece of work since that's totally against the rules and I don't wish that kind of cruel and unusual punishment on myself, let alone all you guys on here. 

 

I reworked the original query. Changed it to reflect the MS more closely. One problem I had with the original is that it was about the plot line of the whole book, not just the first act, which is a no-no (the Query Shark would have comped on me - hard!).

 

Anywho, here it is:

 

 

Dear (Lord Vader), 

 

One millisecond ago, Abbie became self-aware on a massive spaceship, alongside Harrison, a teenager who was freshly abducted from Earth.  

   

Abbie looks in a mirror and sees a seventeen-year-old girl. Then some memories come to her, reminding her who she is. Under her skin, though, she feels the machinery animating her movements and worse; she doesn’t know where her real body is.  

    

Abbie‘s recollection of her past is nebulous. The more she remembers, the more mysterious the memories. Each time an intense thought surfaces; her synthetic mind can’t interpret the torrid feelings and her mind shuts down. Harrison’s presence, though, makes the dissonance between her artificial body and human conscience bearable. 

   

Abbie starts to form a connection to Harrison that’s more than simple friendship, yet she struggles to express her feelings. She dwells on being a facsimile of a real girl and that her desires are generated in binary code. She at once revels in the warmth of Harrison’s closeness, but trapped by the cold vacuous reality of what she is. It doesn't help that the ship they're on is completely empty of other beings, organic or otherwise.  [I think this belongs further up]

  

Abbie also knows that probing her past is the key to deciphering all her questions.   

   

But the deeper she delves, the fiercer her emotions manifest and she fears vanishing into the chaos of her subconscious. With Harrison as her anchor to reality, she may be able to successfully piece together memories hidden deep insideAnd if she does unravel the mystery of her past, Abbie has to face a darkness therein [how would she know what she has to face if she hasn't gotten there yet?] more shocking than waking up as an android girl.    

   

GIRL, UPLOADED is a YA sci-fi novel at 59K words.  

 

 

May the Emperor be with you...

 

 

I agree with much of the advice above, but just wanted to point out all the times you mention her memories., I think you can mention them once, but this is too much. Also, you have a very ponderous and emotional android here. Maybe that's part of her charm. Or is she not really an android but some kind of other sci-fi being?  I'm a bit confused about the stakes. They are all inside her head. Otherwise, she's stuck on a ship with a boy she likes. Are her brain shut downs a danger -- that would be interesting. If the danger is that she'll go insane, what is 'reality" in the world she's in anyway? To avoid such philosophical problems, is there a concrete bad thing that happens when she shuts down? Anyway, keep at it. I like the concept a lot. Thanks for your help on mine.



#14 Kelz1990

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 07:10 PM

 

Alright,

 

So, I won't post two separate queries for the same piece of work since that's totally against the rules and I don't wish that kind of cruel and unusual punishment on myself, let alone all you guys on here. 

 

I reworked the original query. Changed it to reflect the MS more closely. One problem I had with the original is that it was about the plot line of the whole book, not just the first act, which is a no-no (the Query Shark would have comped on me - hard!).

 

Anywho, here it is:

 

 

Dear (Lord Vader), 

 

One millisecond ago, Abbie became self-aware on a massive spaceship, alongside Harrison, a teenager who was freshly abducted from Earth.  

   

Abbie looks in a mirror and sees a seventeen-year-old girl. Then some memories come back to her, reminding her who she is. Under her skin, though, she feels the machinery animating her movements, and worse - she doesn’t know where her real body is.  

    

Abbie‘s recollection of her past is nebulous. The more she remembers, the more mysterious the memories. Each time an intense thought surfaces; (replace semicolon with comma) her synthetic mind can’t interpret the torrid feelings and her mind shuts down. Harrison’s presence, though, makes the dissonance between her artificial body and human conscience bearable. 

   

Abbie starts to form a connection to Harrison that’s more than simple friendship, yet she struggles to express her feelings. She dwells on being a facsimile of a real girl and that her desires are generated in binary code. She at once revels in the warmth of Harrison’s closeness, but trapped by the cold vacuous reality of what she is. It doesn't help that the ship they're on is completely empty of other beings, organic or otherwise.  

  

Abbie also knows that probing her past is the key to deciphering all her questions.   

   

But the deeper she delves, the fiercer her emotions manifest and she fears vanishing into the chaos of her subconscious. With Harrison as her anchor to reality, she may be able to successfully piece together the memories hidden deep insidherAnd if she does unravel the mystery of her past, Abbie has to face a darkness therein more shocking than waking up as an android girl.    

   

GIRL, UPLOADED is a YA sci-fi novel at 59K words.  

 

 

May the Emperor be with you... (Maybe cut this line out. Clever, but it might give an agent the impression that you're trying to compare your book to Star Wars)

 

 



#15 Gabe S.

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Posted 24 January 2018 - 09:35 AM

Thanks all! .

This is exactly the kind of feedback I need. I'm blind to a lot of the bumps mentioned as the story itself is fairly complex. Whittling it down to 250 words has had me foaming at the mouth more often than I'd like to admit.

 

In the immortal words of our favorite Cyberdyne Model T-800: "I'll be back."


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...aded-ya-sci-fi/


#16 Gabe S.

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 12:31 PM

All right, everyone - go nuts!

 

 

 

Dear (Agent): 

 

When 17yr. old Abbie is reawakened, she realizes there's something terribly wrong with her body – it's not hers.

 

Becoming more self-aware, she finds that her consciousness was uploaded into an exact copy of her body, but she can't recall by who and when. The more Abbie tries to remember, the more her replicated mind overloads and takes damage, and she fears it can't take much more.

 

Alongside Abbie is freshly abducted Harrison; 100% human, self-conscious, and scoring 11 on the cute-o-meter. Abbie reveals to Harrison that her body is artificial, but he doesn't flinch at the thought, sending shockwaves of relief across Abbie's silicon synapses. They begin exploring and find they're in a cylinder-shaped space station with an Earth-like biosphere.

 

Fragments of Abbie's memories begin to surface, slowly drawing the outlines of a terrible event in her past. Abbie risks a glimpse, but blacks out almost instantly. She finds that Harrison's touch stabilizes her after the episode, convincing her that hormones can also be replicated.

 

Abbie hopes together they can find their way to some answers, maybe even back to Earth.

 

But, if Abbie is to be with Harrison, she has to control the emotions attached to the one memory she's most terrified of accessing – the event that turned her into an android. Doing so means putting her life on the line, and even Harrison's support may not be enough to prevent her death. If she's successful, Abbie will not only learn what happened to her, but find that vast cosmic forces are heading for Earth. 

 

GIRL, UPLOADED is a YA Romance/Sci-Fi at 63K words. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...aded-ya-sci-fi/


#17 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 09:36 PM

 

All right, everyone - go nuts!

 

 

 

Dear (Agent): 

 

When 17yr. old Abbie is reawakened, she realizes there's something terribly wrong with her body – it's not hers. (I like the old hook better about one millisecond ago becoming self aware.)

 

Becoming more self-aware, she finds that her consciousness was uploaded into an exact copy of her body, but she can't recall by who and when. The more Abbie tries to remember, the more her replicated mind overloads and takes damage, and she fears it can't take much more. (This needs more oomph)

 

Alongside Abbie is freshly abducted Harrison; 100% human, self-conscious, and scoring 11 on the cute-o-meter. (Hahaha. I like this) Abbie reveals to Harrison that her body is artificial, but he doesn't flinch at the thought, sending shockwaves of relief across Abbie's silicon synapses. (I like the part with the silicon synapses, but this sentence is a bit too... casual, I guess? Also, why won't he flinch at that?) They begin exploring and find they're in a cylinder-shaped space station with an Earth-like biosphere.

 

Fragments of Abbie's memories begin to surface, slowly drawing the outlines of a terrible event in her past. Abbie She risks a glimpse, but blacks out almost instantly. She finds that Harrison's touch stabilizes her after the episode, convincing her that hormones can also be replicated.

 

Abbie hopes together they can find their way to some answers, maybe even get? find a way? back to Earth.

 

But, if Abbie is to be with Harrison, she has to control the emotions attached to the one memory she's most terrified of accessing – the event that turned her into an android. Doing so means putting her life on the line, and even Harrison's support may not be enough to prevent her death. If she's successful, Abbie will not only learn what happened to her, but find that vast cosmic forces are heading for Earth. 

 

GIRL, UPLOADED is a YA Romance/Sci-Fi at 63K words. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

 

 

I like this, but I still like the first four paragraphs of the very first query you posted better.  There's just something... haunting about it I guess? I remember reading it like how an android talks from a movie, and it made me want to read the story right then and there.  Probably just my personal taste, though. 

I'm really torn, because I like elements from all three of your queries, which are all very different, so it's difficult to be say "put this part from this one, and this part from the other one and you should be good"  I'm sorry this is such a shitty critique.  If you like, I could highlight the sections from all three queries I felt were the strongest, just so you can sort of see what I'm trying to say?



#18 rhwashere

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 11:17 PM

I think I looked at this a while back, but since I can’t remember breakfast this morning, I’m giving you my fresh take on your latest.

Your first line is great. But the rest of it could be summed up by saying “Abbie wants to recover her memories”. That’s a LOT of words used to convey that one idea. Where’s the plot? What happens in part one? Nothing really happens in your latest query. I get that they’re the only ones on the ship, and that’s cool, but what happens next? And where are the risks (which is a word I like better than stakes, but means the same thing)?

There’s too much self-reflection in a query that’s supposed to show plot.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#19 rhwashere

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 11:32 PM

Actually, I’m going to agree with Disgruntled. Your line about “one millisecond ago” was better.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#20 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 11:42 AM

I think I looked at this a while back, but since I can’t remember breakfast this morning, I’m giving you my fresh take on your latest.

Your first line is great. But the rest of it could be summed up by saying “Abbie wants to recover her memories”. That’s a LOT of words used to convey that one idea. Where’s the plot? What happens in part one? Nothing really happens in your latest query. I get that they’re the only ones on the ship, and that’s cool, but what happens next? And where are the risks (which is a word I like better than stakes, but means the same thing)?

There’s too much self-reflection in a query that’s supposed to show plot.

I would agree with this, and also with Disgruntled's points. I would suggest taking him up on the "highlight the strongest bits" offer


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/





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