Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

BISECTER (YA Fantasy)

Fiction Young Adult Fantasy

  • Please log in to reply
33 replies to this topic

#1 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 19 January 2018 - 11:11 AM

New Version in Post #31!

 

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

To Hemera, there is nothing unexpected about being abandoned in a cave collapse by her own people. Who could blame them? The black eyes and superhuman strength she shares with the halves, monstrous creatures, make her less than human.

 

When Hemera’s love and only friend is captured by the halves, she knows she is the only one who can save him. Hemera’s decision to leave the underground caves where her people have lived for centuries is not only illegal, it’s deadly. Yet she doesn’t hesitate to enter the world where the sun’s rays can kill in seconds and enemies are tracking her every move.

 

As everything she believes about her world is challenged—by friends she never expected to meet and family she never knew existed—Hemera must face an impossible decision. Escape from the growing evil with the man she loves or risk everything to embrace her true identity.

 

BISECTER is a YA Fantasy, complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work overlaps with your interests, and will appeal to readers of Cassandra Clare’s LADY MIDNIGHT and Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE. You will find that BISECTER contains a strange, new world, as well as a powerful narrative voice.

 

I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.

 

I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. Upon request, I would be delighted to send you the completed manuscript of BISECTER.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

 

 

 


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#2 lnloft

lnloft

    LNLOFT

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 322 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 19 January 2018 - 11:37 AM

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

To Hemera, there is nothing unexpected about being abandoned in a cave collapse by her own people. Who could blame them? The black eyes and superhuman strength she shares with the halves, monstrous creatures, make her less than human. I'm confused what the cave collapse has to do with anything, because it's never brought up again in the query and thus doesn't seem like a big deal at all.

 

When Hemera’s love and only friend is captured by the halves, she knows she is the only one who can save him. Hemera’s decision to leave the underground caves where her people have lived for centuries is not only illegal, it’s deadly. Yet she doesn’t hesitate to enter the world where the sun’s rays can kill in seconds and enemies are tracking her every move.

 

As everything she believes about her world is challenged—by friends she never expected to meet and family she never knew existed—Hemera must face an impossible decision. Escape from the growing evil with the man she loves or risk everything to embrace her true identity. This paragraph is too vague. What sort of dangers in Hemera facing? What sort of world-shattering revelations is she learning? What do you mean by her new identity? I see a lot of these sorts of things in the queries here, so you need to find a way to make yours stand out.

 

BISECTER is a YA Fantasy, complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work overlaps with your interests, and will appeal to readers of Cassandra Clare’s LADY MIDNIGHT and Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE. You will find that BISECTER contains a strange, new world, as well as a powerful narrative voice. Rather than tell the agent this, find a way to show it to them.

 

I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.

 

I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. Upon request, I would be delighted to send you the completed manuscript of BISECTER. Of course you would be delighted to send them your manuscript. It would be weird if they requested and you said "no".

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

 

 

 

 

You've got yourself to a solid starting point. Now you've got to start fleshing things out. The hook doesn't match right now, and you should build up what Hemera is really facing when she leaves the caves, because I don't have much of a grasp of what's going on out there yet.

 

Anyway, as I said, you're off to a good start. Good luck.


If you found my feedback useful, I'd appreciate yours: Ouroboros


#3 KET Writes

KET Writes

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationCanada

Posted 19 January 2018 - 12:07 PM

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

To Hemera, there is nothing unexpected about being abandoned in a cave collapse by her own people. Who could blame them? The black eyes and superhuman strength she shares with the halves, monstrous creatures, make her less than human. When I reread your query, I really appreciate the information you give us here, but I don't really get how it's tied in below. I kept wondering what the deal was about her being abandoned. 

 

When Hemera’s love and only friend is captured by the halves, she knows she is the only one who can save him. Hemera’s decision to leave the underground caves where her people have lived for centuries is not only illegal, it’s deadly. Yet she doesn’t hesitate to enter the world where the sun’s rays can kill in seconds and enemies are tracking her every move. I'm not entirely sure, specifically, who the enemies are. Also how and why are they tracking her? I'm assuming this is a new enemy that lives beyond the cave, but I'm still unsure because it's illegal to leave, so maybe it's her own people after her?

 

As everything she believes about her world is challenged I'd look for a bit more specificity here. You don't have to unleash the whole plot, but what are some beliefs that are being challenged? —by friends she never expected to meet and family she never knew existed—Hemera must face an impossible decision.  Escape from the growing evil with the man she loves or risk everything to embrace her true identity. I can see that  she has to make a choice here, but why/how is she presented with this choice. Why is risking everything to embrace her true identity an option? We don't really see this in the rest of the query. 

 

BISECTER is a YA Fantasy, complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work overlaps with your interests, and will appeal to readers of Cassandra Clare’s LADY MIDNIGHT and Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE. You will find that BISECTER contains a strange, new world, as well as a powerful I would consider using a different word. Powerful is a bit general, and grandiose. If this is told from Hemera's POV, what are some interesting words that describe her voice, words that let you dig into her character. narrative voice.

 

I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.

 

I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. Upon request, I would be delighted to send you the completed manuscript of BISECTER.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. May be nitpicky, but I would keep it simple. Thank you for your time, or thank you for your consideration. 

 

 

 

It seems like you know where the plot is going, but some clarity is needed to convey it to the agent. (This is my own struggle as well, so I get it!)


If my feedback was helpful, I'd appreciate some thoughts on my YA Urban Fantasy Query !

 


#4 Nessa

Nessa

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 247 posts
  • Literary Status:published, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 19 January 2018 - 02:34 PM

Dear [Agent]:

 

 

To Hemera, there is nothing unexpected about being abandoned in a cave collapse by her own people.​[Reads awkwardly.] Who could blame them? ​[Avoid rhetorical questions.]The black eyes and superhuman strength she shares with the halves, monstrous creatures, make her less than human.​[What creatures? Is she half-monster half-human, or something else entirely?]

 

When Hemera’s love and only friend is captured by the halves​[Oh, so the halves are creatures, not half-something and half-another? Her lover/friend needs to be worked in.], she knows she is the only one who can save him​[Vague.]. Hemera’s decision to leave the underground caves where her people have lived for centuries is not only illegal, it’s deadly.​[Why is it illegal? Why is it deadly? Also, I thought she was abandoned in the caves. Is she living with friends? On her own?] Yet she doesn’t hesitate to enter the world where the sun’s rays can kill in seconds and enemies are tracking her every move.​[Too vague. I don't really have a sense of the world we're in. Who are the enemies? Why are they tracking her?]

 

As everything she believes about her world is challenged​[Cliché and empty phrase]—by friends she never expected to meet and family she never knew existed​[Vague. Where does she encounter these people?]—Hemera must face an impossible decision. Escape from the growing evil with the man she loves or risk everything to embrace her true identity.​[You haven't really worked up to this.]

 

BISECTER is a YA Fantasy,​[Lowercase "f" and remove the comma.] complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work overlaps with your interests​[Vague. Is there a specific #MSWL or note on their blog/website that fits your manuscript?], and will appeal to readers of Cassandra Clare’s LADY MIDNIGHT and Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE​[Anything by Cassandra Clare is a major outlier. Ideal comps should be published within the past 3 years and shouldn't have viewable TV/film adaptations. Otherwise the agent might wonder how familiar you really are with the market. There are a lot of recently published non-outlier YA F out there.]. You will find that BISECTER contains a strange, new world, as well as a powerful narrative voice.​[Remove this sentence. It's too telling.]

 

I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.

 

I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. Upon request, I would be delighted to send you the completed manuscript of BISECTER.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

 

 

 


I love dogs


#5 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 19 January 2018 - 03:12 PM

Thank you so much for all of your feedback so far! I'm processing these suggestions and already starting to revise. Nessa--thank you for the info about comparing to other books. KET Writes--thank you for pointing out the leaps in the story I didn't even realize I was making. Inloft--thank you for pointing out the vagueness of my hook. I really appreciate the help! And for those of you who asked, I will make sure to return the favor and leave my comments on your queries. 


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#6 Queen of my backyard

Queen of my backyard

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 30 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:I grew up with parents in the publishing business, but as of yet, am unpublished.

Posted 19 January 2018 - 06:01 PM

Honest to goodness I wanted to take a stab at offering something helpful on your query, but after reading what the other posters have already said I think they've pretty much covered it all! It does sound like an intriguing concept and I look forward to seeing a rewrite and learning a bit more about your story. :)


If you found my comments helpful, please consider critiquing my query at http://agentquerycon...fantasyrevised/


#7 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 385 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 20 January 2018 - 03:41 PM

To Hemera, there is nothing unexpected about being abandoned in a cave collapse This phrase threw me for a bit of a loop... do you mean collapsing cave, or does cave collapse mean something different in your story? If the former, I would say that by her own people. Who could blame them? The black eyes and superhuman strength she shares with the halves, monstrous creatures, make her less than human.Perhaps say "with the monstrous halves". Also, you may want to consider capitalizing halves so that it's clearly a proper noun

 

When Hemera’s love and only friend is captured by the halves, she knows she is the only one who can save him. Hemera’s decision to leave the underground caves where her people have lived for centuries is not only illegal; it’s deadly. Yet she doesn’t hesitate to enter the world where the sun’s rays can kill in seconds and enemies are tracking her every move. There might be more tension if you could find a way to briefly specify how it kills and who the enemies are

 

As everything she believes about her world is challenged—by friends she never expected to meet and family she never knew existed—Hemera must face an impossible decision: Escape from the growing evil with the man she loves or risk everything to embrace her true identity. You need to make it clearer why these two things are not reconciliatory

 

BISECTER is a YA Fantasy, complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work overlaps with your interests, and will appeal to readers of Cassandra Clare’s LADY MIDNIGHT and Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE. You will find that BISECTER contains a strange, new world, as well as a powerful narrative voice.

 

I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.

 

I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. Upon request, I would be delighted to send you the completed manuscript of BISECTER.

 

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

 

Overall, a great query. I followed the plot easily. The biggest advice I would have for you would be specifics. While reading, it felt like my mind couldn't come up with a clear picture of this, which means it might be too generalized.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#8 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 21 January 2018 - 08:47 AM

Thank you all so much for your helpful feedback! PureZhar3, thank you for your suggestion on capitalizing Halves and your specific thoughts on parts that need to be cleared up. I am working through all of your feedback, and I'll post my revised query as soon as I can get it to a better place!


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#9 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 23 January 2018 - 10:15 AM

New version in Post #17

 

Thank you all for your amazing suggestions the first time around. I have re-written my query below. I tried to address all of your comments, but I'm sure I failed in a number of places. Please feel free to rip this version to shreds....I really appreciate any advice you can give!

 
 
Dear [Agent],
 
Hemera has spent her life, hated and feared by her own people, trying to hide her black eyes and inhuman strength. She inherited both from a freak accident involving one of the murderous creatures, called Halves. She is the only one of her kind. 
 
She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, and a dying man reveals a cryptic message about where Brice has been taken, Hemera leaves the only home she has ever known. She emerges from the humans’ underground cave system into the world where the sun never sets, and its rays are poison to exposed skin. 
 
Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the impossible task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves iminent, and a new threat on the rise, Hemera must face an impossible decision. Escape with the one she loves, or abandon Brice and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing to face the growing evil.
 
BISECTER is a YA Fantasy complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work will appeal to readers of Victoria Schwab’s THIS SAVAGE SONG and Alwyn Hamilton’s REBEL OF THE SANDS.
 
I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.
 
I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. 
 
Thank you for your consideration.

If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#10 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 385 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 23 January 2018 - 11:18 AM

 

Thank you all for your amazing suggestions the first time around. I have re-written my query below. I tried to address all of your comments, but I'm sure I failed in a number of places. Please feel free to rip this version to shreds....I really appreciate any advice you can give!

 
 
Dear [Agent],
 
Hemera has spent her life, hated and feared by her own people, trying to hide her black eyes and inhuman strength. She inherited both from a freak accident involving one of the murderous creatures, called Halves. She is the only one of her kind. This hook isn't working for me. Yes, all the fascinating information on Hemera is conveyed. However, it isn't conveyed in such a way that it piques my interest... it reads too much like a nonfiction bio, I think.
 
She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. Hmm. This is a sudden shift in style to me. This almost sounds like historical fiction, but the previous paragraph is a clear fantasy style. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, and a dying man reveals a cryptic message Can you tell us anything more about the dying man? Is he just a man? Another soldier? A hermit? about where Brice has been taken, Hemera leaves the only home she has ever known. She emerges from the humans’ underground cave system into the world where the sun never sets, and its rays are poison to exposed skin. You have a lot of passive verbs here (she is... he was...) It doesn't convey as much action as it could
 
Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the impossible I would use a different adj... impossible conveys very little to me task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new threat on the rise, Hemera must face an impossible decision: Escape with the one she loves, or abandon Brice and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing to face the growing evil.Everything after the "or" is a bit of a doozy for me... also, I'm a bit confused as to the course of action... if she abandons Brice, will he still get away? Wouldn't killing the evil keep him safe? I might be misunderstanding, but there are just a few too many words for me to follow in that last bit.
 
BISECTER is a YA Fantasy complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work will appeal to readers of Victoria Schwab’s THIS SAVAGE SONG and Alwyn Hamilton’s REBEL OF THE SANDS.
 
I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.
 
I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. 
 
Thank you for your consideration.

 

This version is much clearer; however, it could still use work if you want to pull out the maximum tension and appeal. It could particularly use a bit more clarity on the last couple sentences of the plot. Keep up the good work - I'll stop by soon and check out any new edits you've made :)


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#11 bijou

bijou

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 14 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:I've published articles online and in print, but I've never published fiction.

Posted 23 January 2018 - 12:22 PM


Dear [Agent],
 
Hemera has spent her life, hated and feared by her own people, trying to hide her black eyes and inhuman strength. She inherited both from a freak accident involving one of the murderous creatures, called Halves. She is the only one of her kind. [I'm wondering if you'd have a stronger hook if you  flipped the order of these sentences. For example: Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength she gained from an encounter with the one of murderous creatures called Halves.]
 
She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, and a dying man reveals a cryptic message about where Brice has been taken, Hemera leaves the only home she has ever known. [I saw the question in the earlier critique about the dying man. It might be more economical simply to leave him out. It could be "But when she learns Bryce has been captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves the only home ...] She emerges from the humans’ underground cave system into the world where the sun never sets, and its rays are poison to exposed skin. 
 
Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the impossible task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves iminent, and a new threat on the rise, Hemera must face an impossible decision. Escape with the one she loves, or abandon Brice and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing to face the growing evil. [I agree the conflict is not totally clear here -- why is it an either/or?]
 
BISECTER is a YA Fantasy complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work will appeal to readers of Victoria Schwab’s THIS SAVAGE SONG and Alwyn Hamilton’s REBEL OF THE SANDS.
 
I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.
 
I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. 
 
Thank you for your consideration.

If my feedback was helpful, I'd appreciate some thoughts on my historical novel query.


#12 ThatDan

ThatDan

    Back at it

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 133 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:Purely scientific

Posted 23 January 2018 - 02:50 PM

 

Thank you all for your amazing suggestions the first time around. I have re-written my query below. I tried to address all of your comments, but I'm sure I failed in a number of places. Please feel free to rip this version to shreds....I really appreciate any advice you can give!

 
 
Dear [Agent],
 
Hemera has spent her life, hated and feared by her own people, trying to hide her black eyes and inhuman strength. She inherited both from a freak accident involving one of the murderous creatures, called Halves. She is the only one of her kind. <half human, half halve. does this make her a quarter? :p (probably not the first to make this joke)
 
She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. Even more surprising is that they fall in love.<this feels quite definitive for something so early on. Maybe have it as "even more surprising is that a human might have feelings for a quarter" But when Brice is captured by the Halves, and a dying man<this guy came out of nowhere... maybe consider cutting him and just say that Hemera receives a cryptic message. reveals a cryptic message about where Brice has been taken, Hemera leaves the only home she has ever known< a bit cliche, and doesn't add much. If anything, I'd think she would embrace leaving the people who've hated her her entire life.. She emerges from the humans’ underground cave system into the world where the sun never sets, and its rays are poison to exposed skin. <i really like this imagery. only suggestion is maybe say that the rays are poison to human skin (strengthens that she, being half-halve, can survive it to an extent)
 
Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the impossible task of rescuing Brice.<eludes to the next line, but is kind of vague on its own. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves iminent, and a new threat on the rise,<maybe make it clearer who these new creatures/ new threat are. some imagery? Hemera must face an impossible decision. Escape with the one she loves, or abandon Brice and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing to face the growing evil.<not 100% sure why she can't do both. maybe if the clock ticking was stronger, I'd understand that it'll take too much time to do both.
 
BISECTER is a YA Fantasy complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work will appeal to readers of Victoria Schwab’s THIS SAVAGE SONG and Alwyn Hamilton’s REBEL OF THE SANDS.
 
I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.
 
I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. 
 
Thank you for your consideration.
 
Really great so far. Love the imagery of the underground vs aboveground civs (reminds me a little of the anime Patema Inverted (but with monsters)). It might even be worthwhile mentioning this aspect earlier. Just throw in "underground society" somewhere, or something like that. This would also give a slight dystopia feel and reinforce Hemera's lament (everyone hates her and she's stuck in the depressing underground)

 


I'm no professional. Take my critiques merely as suggestions.

No active query atm.


#13 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 23 January 2018 - 03:05 PM

Thank you for all of your suggestions! I'm processing everything and I'll put my new revision up once I'm more satisfied with it. :)


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#14 Nonicks

Nonicks

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 294 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationEurope

Posted 23 January 2018 - 05:15 PM

Fresh eyes here! 

 

 

 

Thank you all for your amazing suggestions the first time around. I have re-written my query below. I tried to address all of your comments, but I'm sure I failed in a number of places. Please feel free to rip this version to shreds....I really appreciate any advice you can give!

 
 
Dear [Agent],
 
Hemera has spent her life, hated and feared by her own people, trying to hide her black eyes and inhuman strength. She inherited both from a freak accident involving one of the murderous creatures, called Halves. She is the only one of her kind.  (I hope I'm not oversteppoing, but I would reword this paragraph. Like so: "After being involved in an accident, Hemera inherits black eyes and inhuman strengh". Or something like that.)
 
She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. (why is she in danger?) Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, and a dying man reveals a cryptic message about where Brice has been taken, Hemera leaves the only home she has ever known. She emerges from the humans’ underground cave system into the world where the sun never sets, and its rays are poison to exposed skin(what exactly do you mean by 'underground cave system'? and what are these poisonous rays?)
 
Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the impossible task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves iminent, and a new threat on the rise, Hemera must face an impossible decision. Escape with the one she loves, or abandon Brice and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing to face the growing evil (why can't she do both?).
 
BISECTER is a YA Fantasy complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work will appeal to readers of Victoria Schwab’s THIS SAVAGE SONG and Alwyn Hamilton’s REBEL OF THE SANDS.
 
I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.
 
I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. 
 
Thank you for your consideration.

 

 

I think if you clarify the confusing sentences, it will be a solid query. 



#15 Kelz1990

Kelz1990

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 53 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 23 January 2018 - 07:22 PM

 

Thank you all for your amazing suggestions the first time around. I have re-written my query below. I tried to address all of your comments, but I'm sure I failed in a number of places. Please feel free to rip this version to shreds....I really appreciate any advice you can give!

 
 
Dear [Agent],
 
Hemera has spent her entire life being hated and feared by her own people, trying to hide her black eyes and inhuman strength. She inherited both (Her eyes and strength? Seems vague) from a freak accident involving one of the murderous creatures, called Halves. She is the only one of her kind. 
 
She Hemera is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier named Brice risks his own life to save her's. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, (are the Halves supposed to be one monster or a group of monsters?) and a dying man reveals a cryptic message about where Brice has been taken, Hemera leaves the only home she has ever known. She emerges from the humans’ underground cave system into the world where the sun never sets, and its rays are poison to exposed skin. 
 
Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the impossible task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves iminent, and a new threat on the rise, Hemera must face an impossible decision. Escape She must either escape with the one she loves, or abandon Brice and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing to face the growing evil.
 
BISECTER is a YA Fantasy complete at 87,000 words. I believe my work will appeal to readers of Victoria Schwab’s THIS SAVAGE SONG and Alwyn Hamilton’s REBEL OF THE SANDS.
 
I have a Bachelor’s Degree from Colgate University in English and a Master’s Degree from the University of Pennsylvania in Reading, Writing, and Literacy. I previously worked for and published articles in the Syracuse New Times.
 
I have included the first 10 pages of my manuscript in the body of this email. 
 
Thank you for your consideration.

 



#16 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 23 January 2018 - 08:12 PM

Awesome feedback, thank you everyone! I'm really struggling over the last sentence of the query. I want to sleep on it, and then I'll post my fully revised draft. Thank you again! Couldn't do this without all of your support :)


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#17 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 25 January 2018 - 10:40 AM

Okay! Newly revised version below. Here are my major concerns (in addition to anything else you have comments about):

 

  • do you have any suggestions on ways to make the opening pitch draw you in more?
  • I'm really struggling with the third paragraph, and I feel like I might be making sideways progress at this point. Any suggestions?
  • The whole thing has gotten wordier...is this a problem? Is there anything I could shorten/cut?

I will gladly reciprocate and provide feedback on your work!

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength she gained from an encounter with the one of murderous creatures, called Halves. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves the underground society. The caves where she grew up are the only haven from the world where the sun never sets, and its rays are poison to exposed human skin.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the impossible task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy on the hunt for her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves or alienate him by embracing the powers she has suppressed her entire life. She must decide before the one who hunts her gets what he wants…her blood.

 
[word count, credentials, etc.]

If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#18 Wayfarer

Wayfarer

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 224 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 25 January 2018 - 03:06 PM

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength she gained from an encounter with a Halve: a murderous creature (insert some fact about halves to make them seem scary, if that's your intent. E.G. capable of/responsible for/condemned to, etc.) The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human (Follow this why that's a bad thing, why it scares her, what the world she's in thinks of this. As it stands it's lacking punch, and a reason for her needing to be reminded of her inhumanity will add that hit.)

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. Even more surprising is that they fall in love is the love that blossoms between them. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera is forced to leave the subterranean society that raised her. The caves are where she grew up are the only haven from the worlds never-setting-sun, and its rays are poison to exposed human skin.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable (pet peeve, but if it's impossible, there's no story, though I get the meaning) task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy on the hunt for hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape (escape where? The underground?) with the one she loves or alienate him (Like shun him? Leave him for dead? Too vague) by embracing the powers she has suppressed her entire life (Why does she need to leave Brice in order to use her powers?). She must decide before the one (Before you say 'creatures' making me think it's more than one thing, and that its a very inhuman thing. By saying one you contradict this, making me think it's a single entity, and that it's a very human thing, especially by following up with "he") who hunts her gets what he wants…her blood.



#19 VSChapman

VSChapman

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 123 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:none

Posted 25 January 2018 - 03:24 PM

 

Okay! Newly revised version below. Here are my major concerns (in addition to anything else you have comments about):

 

  • do you have any suggestions on ways to make the opening pitch draw you in more?
  • I'm really struggling with the third paragraph, and I feel like I might be making sideways progress at this point. Any suggestions?
  • The whole thing has gotten wordier...is this a problem? Is there anything I could shorten/cut?

I will gladly reciprocate and provide feedback on your work!

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength she gained from an encounter with the one of murderous creatures, called Halves. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. (what happened that he had to save her?)Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves the underground society. The caves where she grew up are the only haven from the world where the sun never sets, and its rays are poison to exposed human skin.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the impossible task of rescuing Brice. (as she sets out to rescue him, she learns Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy on the hunt for her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves or alienate(leave him behind? She wouldn't really be alienating him if he was captured and she didn't rescue him) him by embracing the powers she has suppressed her entire life. She must decide before the one who hunts her gets what he wants…her blood.

 
[word count, credentials, etc.]

 

I won't do a full line by line because I like a lot of the edits that wayfarer made above. My question is how do these other creatures and the Halves mix? Are they enemies to each other as well? So, we have three groups: the humans, the Halves and the other creatures right? Is everyone fighting for the same thing? You've got a good start here. I just think some things need to be a bit clearer.



#20 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 28 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 25 January 2018 - 03:35 PM

New version is below. I still need to deal with the last part (why it's an either/or choice), but that's going to take me longer to figure out. :) Thank you for your suggestions...they made this version much cleaner!

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that hunt and murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves the subterranean society that raised her. The caves are the only haven from the world’s never-setting sun, with rays that are poison to exposed human skin.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves or abandon him to embrace the powers she has suppressed her entire life. She must decide before the ones seeking her get what they want…her blood.


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users